Struggling very hard with lust & shame

You could communicate to him that you sinned by fornicating with him, that you do not believe in sex outside of marriage and do not plan on doing it again and that you will not put yourself in that type of situation again (sitting alone in a car together, for example.) If he's interested in potential marriage, etc., he may want to continue the relationship. If he's looking for a fornication partner and realizes that you are not it, then he may look elsewhere anyway.

Reading your post, it... feels so much like... well, i can just say i'm feeling a lot of what you feel right now.. and.. i don't know, i feel like it's my fault too, what happened, that how i dressed, or how i acted, must have encouraged it... it's so humilating knowing that... i don't know how to fix that knowing i can't undo what I did...

Hello and Good morning, a reminder, you have been redeemed by the blood of the lamb, you are a over comer we over come by the blood of the lamb, turn to Jesus, look away from what your seeing, start studying the word, romans chap 6, chap 8, change what ever your look at in movies . tv , books. internet, pray , and might need new friend's, find a spirit fill church, you can do all things though Christ Jesus who strengthens you, Victory in Jesus, take care God bless you,

We have some cultural norms that allow for unmarried people to sit around kissing, making out, whatever it is called these days, then they get handsy, or whatever.

Even with kissing or even hand-holding, you have to be very careful. We are wired to show affection and have sex with our spouses. The lusts of the flesh don't care if you are married or not. Bodily reactions and desires kick in whether you are married or not.

If you date a man, at some point you should let him know you have fallen in this area in the past, but let him know you aren't going to sit around with him in the dark in a parked car, make out on a couch, etc. if you aren't married.

If the man had an outright intention to seduce you, maybe he was a bit more to blame. Otherwise, it would be strange to judge him as a predator for doing the same thing you did. If he considers it a sin, repents before God, who knows, maybe you two could have a relationship that goes the distance, if he wants to propose. If he's just acting religious to get religious girls to sleep with him, and he's a vegan around vegan girls he's trying to sleep with, etc., you'd need to get rid of a guy like that. Some of those guys may choose to move on by themselves.

I never got why americans call it 'making out' what does that even mean

in nz people would say 'pashing' though its never quite the thing to do it in public, guy and girls are not overly romantic like in France where I observed men on the metro with flowers, they were taking them for their girlfriends. You would not see or even expect that here.

We dont even know the norms for christian dating or courtship in churches Its not demonstrated or taught. In samoa, which has a big church culture, you do not date, if your intended suitor is a good christian boy whats expected is he helps out with your parents and shows them respect first and then asks them can he go out with their daughter, and gives them a big coconut or whatever. Then he can be invited to family gatherings as a special boyfriend. Then MAYBE he can hold your hand if you want to cross the road and protect you from being run over. The thing is he needs to talk with your parents FIRST before they trust you to be alone with him. doest need to be a huge interrogation but they wanna know a few things about him first if hes potentially going to steal the daughter away from the family!

You dont go it with somene, NOT tell your parents and then go off into the bushes alone with a guy though that can and does happen, and then pretend you didnt do anything!

of course this scenario only works if you living at home with your parents or guardians, if you old enough to look after yourself, you dont NEED a man really lol Otherwise any man will think you are fair game and have to figure out how to navigate relationships by yourself. How then does a man show respect if he doent care about your family or your friends etc. You dont need a man that just sees you as someone to satisfy his lust. I dont know about the women who do the same but obviously because of the way the world is, those who do it can command payment or compensation whether its to be a mistress or by the hour, but if hes honorable he might be prepared to marry you, but do you want to force that on someone whos impatient and not ready? Might last for a few years but then he suddently realises well thats not actually what I was looking for, I just wanted a good time!

sorry for going on...but gal dont be naive
if you ever in such a situation again, just go oh is that the time Ive got to go home. No you cant come in. Bye.

Are you saying that kissing and handholding are inappropriate actions when dating? Even if in a relationship?

Depends on the culture. Some places, no, it's not okay.

Also depends on the people. Some people are not okay with it until they get married, even in areas where culture deems it okay.

HELLO GOOD MORNING EVRYONE, I like to stay away from trouble , so what I do is stay in the spirit, not the fresh, and if your in a relationship, kill the temptation, first agree to start off as friend's, I know men, you hate that word, but we must Honer God, and this will make a great foundation for the both of you, then pray together, worship together, not just in church, get into he's presence together and lift up your relationship to Jesus together, God Bless, and stay in the word,

Simply if you feel shame, you know what you did is wrong.
you do not give yourself freely like that. You need a good measure of self control ( not easy ) but it is the way to go. You should pray for that one, self control, you probably knew before you did what you did that itwas wrong, thus the shame.

Like Yeshua the son of GOD said, go and sin no more. Dont worry about it ,we all make mistakes, the lord loves you very much.

Blessings sister.

So, personally I have zero moral ground to stand on here. I’ve been guilty of this in my early years dating my wife when at that point I had no intention to marry. I stayed in that sin and lived in a sinful sexual relationship for about 5 years with my wife before we married. I Had a lot of pre-marital sex to confess to God and ask his forgiveness. Pretty sure God simply gave me over to the sin and let the rule of sowing and reaping have its way in my life. I was pretty miserable looking back though I had a lifetime porn addiction I was willingly feeding at the same time. (My marriage still struggles because of the consequences of my decisions I’m certain)

But let me maybe give you some direction because I’ve come out from this similar situation though from a male perspective . There is hope ,there is sufficient mercy and grace to cover these mistakes even sexual ones through Christ. Just don’t make it a lifestyle of sin like I did. There is such a thing as Holy Spirit conviction which is a very different thing from condemnation and accusation. If you have confessed your sin and mean it and intend to turn from it then you are free of any further condemnation. Anything else after confessing and repentance is a lie from Satan. You opened a door for Satan to find his way into your mind to begin beating you up. We confess , repent, rise again. You may also need to confess and repent of soul ties with this man. God created sexual intimacy to create a 1flesh union between a husband and wife. Sexual intimacy outside marriage still creates an unholy union with the other person spiritually, mentally and emotionally that was only meant for a husband and wife to mutually share. Praying against any soul ties with this man consistently will break any unholy bonds made between you. This may need to happen often if you are in close proximity to him and get those feels of lusting often. confess , repent , accept Gods grace and move towards godly relationship again. Don’t let Satan keep you in the dark room even for sexual issues.

I wish I would have been a believer back then because I would have had so much condemnation and blinder’s removed and maybe I could have thought clearly to make right choices .

Sexual feelings and urges are not shameful in and of themselves. It’s the ungodly desires that come from seeking relief outside Gods will and design. You need to understand God made you including a healthy sexuality. The Church has put so much shame on sexuality in the past. No one in the Churches wants to directly talk about what healthy sexuality is for a Christian for whatever reason it’s treated like taboo. Probably because more struggle in the church body than we care to admit to ourselves. Which is why so many youth fail so often due to lack of proper understanding. Id encourage you to find a study on the Song of Songs which are erotic love poems in the Bible. There are some good ones out there. One Christian Author who expounds on what a healthy Christ centered sexuality is Dr.Dan Allender who has several great books on this. Id suggest a book called Intimate Allies of his to get your bearings on healthy sexuality and marital relationships. Id also suggest the book Boundaries and apply some biblical boundaries to that Boyfriend of yours. Read it together 😊. I wish someone would have shown me what good healthy relationship boundaries were back as a teenager. I was kinda on my own. Maybe I would not have crossed so many boundaries I didn’t understand existed relationship wise both romantic ones and friendship ones. Walk with God and don’t be afraid to reach out to other mature women in your local church body directly. Vulnerability with our issues is how we get help from God and that’s when God can work through other mature believers to help us as well. Satan wants to keep us isolated and feeling like we are the only people struggling with these issues. God bless you sis and know that this struggle is not something you face alone.

Oh... I dunno. Seems like you're just the right person to talk about it.

I don't have any room to talk, because I've never been there. Someone who still is there has no room to talk because he hasn't gotten up from his fall. He just put down a bedroll and stayed there.

Someone who stumbled over that rock and got back up seems like the perfect person to have plenty of moral ground, and should have the floor whenever he feels there is something he should say.

I thought of the following advice I read once which might be of help.

I applied it in my situation where I struggled with sexual sin, be it pornography or sex before marriage. I came to realise the problem was I was lonely and that me vulnerable to make bad choices.

In many things people do which are wrong , there is a desire to fulfill a legitimate need.

People over eat, drink excessive alcohol, smoke often because they have unmet needs which they are trying to use the harmful thing to fill.

Can you identify in your situation what your needs are and how you might meet them another way which would make you stronger if you were in same situation again alone with a guy.

The 7 desires are universal desires that we want to meet in our lives. If these are not met then we find sometimes harmful ways to meet these needs.

#1 - To be heard and Understood – especially by those we are in a relationship with.
#2 - To be Affirmed – to believe someone approves of us and what we do. Sometimes people won’t try things due to fear of criticism or judgement rather than being affirmed.
#3 - To be Loved – feeling valued and special and loved for who we are. If we don’t feel loved we can feel shameful about who we are. Shame is about feeling like I am a mistake, this can result in people feeling like they are a victim (someone without choices in life).
#4 - To be Safe – free of anxieties and fears, feeling physically and emotionally safe.
#5 - To be Touched – includes non-sexual. Touch releases “feel good” chemicals in our brains. Hugging increases levels of the "love hormone" oxytocin. A 20-second hug, along with 10 minutes of hand-holding, also reduces the harmful physical effects of stress, including its impact on your blood pressure and heart rate. This makes sense, since hugging is known to lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol.
#6 - To be Chosen – we feel special and accepted when chosen for a relationship or even small task. People often turn to sex to get this need met, however this rarely works when we want nonsexual touch of care, love and concern. Without nonsexual touch people often feel isolated and unloved.
#7 - To be Included - belonging stops us feeling alone, being part of a community (something bigger than ourselves). Sometimes people will go against our wants, desires and beliefs to be included in a group.

Sexual desire and gratification is one of the most powerful forces we as humans have to face. Even King Solomon struggled immensely with it. Recognizing this and admitting it is first step. Seeking Gods forgiveness and repenting will bring about healing.

I would carry such guilt after a night of binge drinking, I would look for ways to try and punish myself. Sometimes it was almost too much to endure. God in His mercy and grace relinquished me of that guilt and would show me how to flee the temptation of alcohol. He will for you to if you really seek it.

Friend ,so sorry about what happened. The believer has the opportunity to scumble and rise again to perfection . Proverbs 24:16(KJV) For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief. The shame is because you are a believer .God himself clothed you with the lamb Jesus . now know you had been forgiven before you even performed the act . Rejoice ! Now you will move forward. Today you have a new day with a lot of promises . if you like to go on with this present relationship you would have to be adults and call it sin collectively and work together to do better .God will give you boldness and courage to confront what is before you in Jesus . study the book of psalms words of affirmation are there to help you be confident in who God calls you . stay blessed

Let me preface this by saying I'm not attacking you and don't want to do anything to discourage your walk with the Lord. I only want to say that in your title of this thread you say you're struggling hard with lust. There are also many others here who are struggling as well. You didn't really need to go into such graphic detail in your description of what happened. It wasn't necessary and may actually cause someone to stumble.

My one question to you RA is do you feel just as strongly about leading someone to stumbling when someone on here describes their struggle with gluttony? Could a description of what an overeater experienced cause one to stumble that easily? Or when a drug addict describes the high they experienced with a needle and then their guilt or shame they got after. Is your concern really that or perhaps your discomfort with discussions on sexual issues? Issues are issues all the same. Churches like to whitewash sexual issues yet the congregations themselves still struggle despite whitewash conversation on the topic. It’s time to start getting bolder in our discussions about sexual issues IMO.
I see nothing wrong with her vulnerability, I applaud it because I’ve been in the dark room of guilt and self condemnation without help as others threw me whitewash religious platitudes that only increased my want to hide. I’d be one that could stumble back into folly and I don’t see that here. Vulnerability in our struggles is the beginning to the path to healing. We’re all adults, walking in the presence of God. I’m not about to be the person turning away one that needs help. Desperate people say and do desperate things that may not line up with sanitized Churched discussion . Clearly if she came here she isn’t getting help she needed from church establishment.Of all the questionable women Jesus ran into or when they came to Him He never once criticized them for the words they used to explain their issues to Him.

I don't even know how to respond to this so I'll just say thank you for your opinion.

I'm thinking that the aunty, based on her own experience and observation might have a certain measure of understanding about these type of situations.