can you guys post something funny please?

Baptist Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.

Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said,

"Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"

Baptizing a Drunk Man

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

The preacher pulls the drunk up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk sputters, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again sputters and answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk sputters, spits, wipes his eyes, catches his breath and asks the preacher, "No, preacher, but I've got two questions for YOU. Don't you have anybody else looking, and are you sure this is where He fell in?"

Bears and Faith

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation"

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And he became gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and in traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looked up and says, "You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

Bible Humor

Q. Why did James disconnect the doorbell?
A. Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize!

Q. Which state is in the Bible?
A. Arkansas, because Noah looked out of the Ark and saw!

Q. Where was Solomon's temple?
A. On either side of his head!

Q. What kind of car is in the Bible?
A. Honda, because Jesus and his disciples were all in one accord!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Big John Doesn't Pay!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass"

Blondes like Football too!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

But Dust

"Dear Lord..." the pastor began with arms extended, a rapturous look on his upturned face and using suitable voice inflections to emphasize the piety of his plea, "... without you, we are but dust"

He would have continued, but at that moment, one very obedient little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is BUTT dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Cannibal Humor

A large church recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our leaders". The cannibals promised they would not.

Four months later the senior pastor remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the pastor had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four months we've been eating deacons and elders and no one noticed anything. But
to go and eat someone who actually does something around here!!
____________________________

Do you know why the cannibals stopped eating Charismatics?
They kept throwing up their hands.
____________________________

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
____________________________

Cannibals stopped eating Baptists because they were too dry.

Children having Church

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic...

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.

Christian Graffiti

If you spray paint "Jesus Saves" on the side of a subway car, is the crime you have committed "evandalism?"

Christmas carols for the mentally challenged

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Church Bloopers

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Cold water

A grandson goes to visit his grandpa back in the sticks who he hasn't seen in years. He stays all night with him, and grandpa makes breakfast. The grandson notices dried egg already on the plate and comments about it to gramdpa. Grandpa says, "Son, that's just about as clean a plate as you can get from cold water." Grandson stays for lunch, same thing, a little spot of dried hash in one corner of the plate. He comments to grandpa about it, Grandpa says, "Son, I told you, cold water can't get a plate much cleaner than that."

The afternoon draws on, and the grandson says his goodbye. He goes to the front gate and an old dog begins barking at him. He says, "Hey grandpa, call your dog, I can't get out." Grandpa says, "Cold Water, get away from that gate!"

Commandments for Church Sound Technicians

17. Radio Shack and Sweetwater Sound shalt be thy refuge whenst a circuit in the main board blows two hours before a Fifth Sunday Singing.

16. When you haven't had time to do a proper sound check, the starting volume of a mic being held by a member of the choir during a special is inversely proportional to the individual singer's ability to sing on key.

15. Thou shalt not turn the volume all the way up when the pastor whispers something to the head Deacon during a business meeting lest ye be prepared to confess having a mischievous spirit.

14. When riding gain on the sanctuary sound system during a special by the church's Southern Gospel quartet thou shalt be certain tithers get their money's worth out of the new 5,000 watt amps they so generously funded.

13. Thou salt always place new batteries in the pastor's wireless mic lest the batteries shalt die in the midst of the morning sermon.

12. Thou shalt properly lockout and tagout all circuit breakers before working on thy equipment lest thou shalt bounce off the audio booth wall while seeking to repair the main amp.

11. Installing a surge protector ordains that thou shalt have one additional piece of junk to dispose of whence lightning strike the sanctuary sound booth or shroud thereof.

10. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be properly tagged, that thy days in this Earth be long.

9. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou toil are grounded and thusly marked with a warning label lest they lift thee unto electronics heaven

8. Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for they are surely non believers and are not longeth for this world.

7. Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the measure of a high voltage circuit, lest thou incinerate both thyself and thy meter.

6. Take care thou tampereth not with insulation, circuit panel covers, interlocks and safety devices, for this incurreth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the electrical inspector upon thy head and about thy shoulders.

5. Toil not thou on energized equipment, for if thou so doest, thy fellow workers will surely buy flowers for thy grave and comfort thy widow and console her otherwise.

4. Service thou equipment not alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful process and thou might sizzle in thine own juices for hours upon a hot circuit before thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery.

3. Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commenceth to glow in the dark liketh a lightning bug and thy wife hath no further use for thee except for thy wages.

2. Causeth thou wire to be diagramed including all modifications made by thee upon equipment under thy care lest thy successor teareth out his hair and goeth slowly mad in his attempt to discern what manner of creature madeth a nest in the wiring of such equipment.

1. Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy backside in a most un technician like manner.

Corndawg Jokes

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. After years of Research, Scientists have figured out why Gorillas Have Big Nostrils:
It’s Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

23. One hydrogen atom to the other: "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Now, admit it.... at least one of these made you smile!

Counseling on Tuesdays and Thursdays

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people!

Deer hunting pastor

Three men were hunting one day and each shot at a deer. Unfortunately, the game warden arrived at the time the men were tracking the deer. The warden asked "who shot the deer." Each man replied, "I did."

The warden went and found the deer and came back and asked, "which one of you is a pastor?"

The pastor raised his hand and said "I am." The warden said, "Your bullet is the one which killed the deer." All three men were surprised the warden could figure out that one of them was a pastor and that it was his bullet which killed the deer.

So the pastor asked, "How did you know it was my gun and how did you know I was a pastor." The warden replied, "well the bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Ever wonder why?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Experiences encountered by travel agents

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa."

Her response was "click".

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He Replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

He said, "But they look so close on the Map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones.

Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?"

I said, "No,why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on ?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations.

"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"