When an 80-Year-Old Man Dies and Leaves Behind His 60-Year-Old Wife, Who Will Take Care of Her?

In most every situation I encounter (churches, Christian dating sites, forums, etc.) it seems to be a given that older men, Christian or not, almost unanimously want a much-younger woman.

This post seems to tally up the vast majority of reasons:


Please note that I DON'T want this thread to be a debate over whether or not this is right or wrong.

Rather, I'd like to concentrate on something I never hear talked about in any of these discussions.

Let's say Bill, age 60, marries Susan, age 40 (Bill was really hoping for a 27-year-old, but hey, he supposes that Susan will do.) For simplicity's sake, let's just say the two had former marriages but no children, and have not had any children together.

The two have had various health issues, and both are struggling with cancer, but Bill's issues have grown much more severe. At age 70, he can no longer walk, and while both have tried to help each other, Susan has always been the primary caretaker. Bill has tried to help but for over 10 years, Susan has done everything, because Bill lost the ability to do anything for himself -- including using the restroom.

Susan, still fighting cancer and losing mobility herself, is now left a widow at 60 years old.

* Should Susan be looking after a younger man to take care of her? Obviously, men her age won't be looking to marry her.

* Who would God say is now responsible for her care? Or is it simply, "Tough luck Susan, you've worn out your usefulness as a younger woman who could take care of an older man... Time to fend for yourself. You'll be fine. After all, it's the church's responsibility to look after old hags like you."

* When Adam and Eve were created, and especially when they fell into sin, Eve was now seen as the "weaker, fairer" sex to be looked after in a marriage. When does that change and the woman's usefulness should actually be to care for and look after a much-older man?

* If God looked at Adam and said, "It's not good for the man to be alone," would He then turn around and say, "It's perfeclty fine that Susan is alone now -- surely she can look after herself."


I understand that if men want younger women, that's just what's going to happen -- I can accept that part. I've brought this subject up in the past and I am always accused of being a bitter old had who can't accept reality and couldn't get a date to save her life.

My own reality is that when I last visited CC friends in 2022, their relatives thought I was around 30, and to my shock, it's often guys who are 15 years younger than my biological age who ask me out, but so far I haven't felt that's where God was leading me. But through these experiences, I can understand the appeal of having someone younger to "look after you."

But for some reason stories like Susan's plague my heart. I feel an increasing draw towards people who have been "left behind" by a spouse who has been called home, and there are usually man more women in this situation than men (at least in my personal surroundings.)

Several have been abandoned by family and friends and truly have no one.

If the men are out looking for daughter-age brides to be their saviors...

What is to become of the women of the women who are looked over, or left behind?

If by some chance, I ever did consider marrying a much-older man, that would be my first set of questions for him:

"If we get married and I take care of you until your dying day, who is going to do the same for me after you pass? How do you plan for me to be cared for as well as I've cared for you after you leave?"

And, this is just me, but I would encourage anyone who might be considering marrying, especially with such an age gap, to ask each other the same questions.

(I say this because in my family, things like life insurance and advanced care policies have been set in place, even though my parents only have a 2-year age gap.)

You mentioned the church being responsible... That IS what the Bible says.

How would that look in modern times? A church funded nursing home? How did they do it back then? Did the elderly widows live at the church?

"Pure and undefiled religion... is to visit orphans and widows in their distress..." - James 1:27.

This IS indeed Biblical. But let's think about what modern times has done to it.

If a man is 60 and has lost his spouse, he doesn't look to the church for care -- he looks for a 25-year-old wife.

If a woman is 60 and has just lost her husband, is she now the church's problem because them men her age all want someone younger?

I'm just not fully convinced that God's intent was for the church to take care of widows because the older men can now all go chase after younger women. I had assumed He said this because men usually die before women their own age.

I suppose the men are saying they're chipping in and doing their part -- by marrying the orphans.

And if it happens to also be a young woman whose had a husband who died, they could now say they're doing double their part by marrying BOTH an orphan AND a widow.

I always find this subject interesting because as the old time CC'ers know, older men marrying younger women is another hot topic that gets debated round and round, year after year.

Years ago, we had a group of men around age 50-ish who were strongly and regularly advocating that all Christian men needed to look for young wives from Asia or countries like Romania. The battle cry is always that they want women "with traditional family values" who "weren't after money." I then wrote a thread asking how they planned to maintain those "traditional family values" by providing for visits back to their home country at least once a year or more, most especially if children were involved.

I can't remember a single one of them saying they would. So if I'm understanding correctly, either they planned to move to that country, or else they were going to essentially bring them here and then cut their young wives off from the very family that gave them those traditional values. I'm no expert, but I've known people from about 15 international/intercultural marriages and trips back home/providing for relatives to visit regularly/maintaining their family ties was one of the biggest issues -- and arguments -- that came up.

The bottom line is that I'm not against men marrying foreign and/or younger women.

What I AM against is the "she's going to give up her entire family, life, culture, friends, youth, and hobbies to take care of me and make sure I get what I need and am comfortable and happy, and not alone for the rest of my life."

I've written threads asking older men how they plan to make sure their younger wives are cared for when they die, and I can't think of a single one who responded that he had even thought about this.

THIS is what bothers me. It's NOT the age difference, per se.

It's the "I'm going to find a young babe to look after me so I have someone to look after me and feed me and take care of me if I get sick or lose all my bodily functions. If I can't go to the bathroom anymore, she can take care of it because she's young and strong. I'm going to use everything she has to give and when I die and she still has decades of life ahead of her -- too bad, that's someone else's problem."

And when younger people ask me what I've experienced or think about relationships, I tell both the guys and the gals, "If you encounter someone who is wanting to use your best resources and best years all for themselves, RUN, don't walk, and don't ever worry about looking back."

Whether it's a young man dating a woman who is asking him to pay for all her bills or a young woman with a man who wants her to be his nurse maid, I will beg them to please take it to God and reconsider.

Sure, it might be possible that God is leading them to selflessly serve another person -- maybe even for life. But just in case, I try to do all I can to deter young people from entering into or staying in such unbalanced relationships.

If it's God's will, and both have proved they're out for each other's greater good, wonderful! Go ahead and have a very blessed marriage! If there was a plan in place to take care of both people, including the younger, as best as they could even later on in life, I'd be much more comfortable with these types of situations.

But if it's one person thinking mostly about themselves with no plan as how best to care for the other person (possibly even after death...)

Why does one person get the assurance of lifelong care, and the one left behind gets so much unsurety?

Where is the line between selfish preservation and genuinely serving another person?

I have a question......who says men want a younger wife? Not all men are looking for a younger wife. Some of us men may be thankful to have a wife😊.

As for Susan, there are a couple options she may have. 60 is not that old, she may be fine to hold her own until she needs help, thus giving her time to arrange something.

Maybe a family or friend could help her?. An elderly home could take he in at the right age.

If I was her and in her shoes, the best thing I could do is to witness. Remember John was a wild man you ate locus and honey but he witnessed to others of Christ's coming. The lord tells us we are a vapor , a here today and gone tomorrow. So therefore every breath we breath comes from the lord, so with every breath should be for the lord. The lord tells how he takes care of the towels and he will take care of us. If we trust the lord keeping our eyes on him, all our worries kind of blur out, so when our time is near and our situations become difficult, if we focus on the lord they will blur out and we draw closer to him. He will take care of us. Weather in this life or the next. If I was Susan , I would trust the lord and put it in his hands. Who knows it may leed to witnessing to a lot of people we wouldn't even imagine.

Thank you for correcting me, Jacob.

There are some times I'm very glad to be wrong.

I know that for myself, God has always led me to the forgotten. I've written in the past about participating in prison ministries that I believe God then told me to leave due to safety reasons, but now I seem to be noticing those who are older and often left behind. I know a part of it is that I am also afraid of someday being a leftover person.

Funny how these discussions can jolt up my memory. I actually did have a small crush on a much-older man once, a few years ago, at a church. He was a retired chiropractor, and I know some would say, "Oh sure, women are only attracted to doctors and the like because of money." But that's not why I found him attractive. I've worked hard to be financially reliable and am not looking for money.

He was at least 25 years older than me, maybe more. But I found myself drawn to him after learning more about his life story. He had basically been abused to the point of being left for dead, and was told all his life that he would never amount to anything. He had to the fact that he couldn't read or write, and taught himself with the help of friends when he was an adult. This is why I mentioned he was a chiropractor -- this was how far he had come from originally being illiterate.

Anyway, what attracted me to him was his life experience and the things he'd overcome. He had been the caretaker of his wife, who became very ill and passed away many years before. He had not abandoned her and fought for her proper care throughout their her life.

It was what he had been through in life and how he had handled it -- with grace, endurance, compassion, an eagerness to learn, and loyalty right up to the end.

These are the kinds of traits I'd be attracted to in a man of any age, and are traits you yourself demonstrate in your posts, Jacob.

God bless you and thank you for being such a kind, hard-working soul (I mean to thank you for your dedication to helping people get their power back up in another thread, but I apologize in that I haven't quite made it over there yet.)

i think you are going to be comforted in this: above, i stated that i met my wife on the 1,456th day after the H.S. told me i would meet someone in 4 years. there are 1,460 days in 4 years. that's when i physically met her. her & i talked on Christian Mingle in 2014 but we never met. our conversation just didn't seem compatible. so now, jump to 2016. my next door neighbor's husband died in 2013. she's an elderly lady. since i lived next door to her, i did all of her mowing & snow plowing & shoveling for free. (she was poor). because she was lonely, 1 day i said to her, "why don't we start a games group with the church people"? she said, "that's a great idea'. so a week later, guess who shows up? my wife. now remember, i never met her face to face before. so we played games & i won everyone & i could see my wife didn't like that but she was quite cordial. she called me a few days later & asked if i would join her for dinner & a Christian play. we had a grand time. next week she asked me to dinner & a Christian movie, we had a blast. we started to date steadily a few months later. & we got married in 2017. here is the kicker in all this: she's 8 & a half years older than me!

God bless you, Karlon, for taking care of your neighbor. I've read about your work in landscaping and I know it's the kind of work only a very special person can endure as a lifetime career. It was very heartwarming to read about what you did for her. There was one year I had nearly 4 feet of snow in my driveway and a neighbor used their plow to clear it out for me -- that can make a work of difference! It was the only way I was able to get to work that day!

I wish you and your wife many years of happiness together, and thanks for telling us about her being older than you...

I have to admit, that made me smile.

I agree that not all men are looking for a younger wife. As someone who is attracted to older men, it has been rare that the opportunity for a relationship with an older man has occurred even when I was younger. This could be due to my personality though. I've always been told I seem a lot older than I really am. Maybe I just act too old for an older man

& thank you in return. i know you are a fine christian lady, i can tell by your warm unselfish responses. snow stories? they are endless. here's two: in a huge snow storm, while plowing, i towed out 4 people who were stuck just in a 100' space!!!!! another time, the temperature was 45 degrees below zero & i had to remove the snow off of a guy's roof!! enjoy the weekend seoulsearch. talk to you later.

One of the benefits of marriage is that you have a partner in old age, so I am not sure why any woman would date/marry a much older man. Sometimes the women have no choice such as arranged marriages. Sometimes marrying an older man is the ticket out of poverty. Yet I understand there is sometimes love involved.

Traditionally speaking, a husband has to make sure his wife (and unmarried daughters) are taken care of financially after he is gone. I am not sure if there is Biblical support for this.

The 60-year old widow can try to enjoy life as best she can, and maybe she will meet someone else. She should try to form some community where she lives so she has social support, and maybe get a pet. She can try to ease her housekeeping burdens by hiring a maid if she can afford one, and make some changes to her home to reduce housekeeping such as non-carpet floors, etc. If she is ill, someone from the church or her friends should check on her.

Personally speaking, I just find that older men are more attractive. My best friend only finds younger men attractive. Neither of us are out for material or financial gain. Both men and women have their own preference as to who they find attractive. I remember when I was 20. There was a guy at work who was 26. He wanted to be in a relationship with me and he introduced me to his father. I remember secretly wishing I could get to know his father and have a nice chat over coffee with him or stroll in the park or what-have-you....but the 26 year old? I just wasn't feelin' it with him. Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that we all have preferences and there's nothing wrong with that.

Karlon,

I want to apologize to you for seeming too harsh in some of my answers. You're obviously someone who deeply cares about and serves other people.

The topic of older men/younger women ignites a firestorm of reactions from me for a myriad of a reasons -- though it was only by a few years age difference, my long-ago then-husband left me for a younger woman. And it's funny because I was in my 20's then, but in the years since, I've "aged out" of the range that older men seem to be looking for!

There are several other reasons as to why this topic hurts my heart -- deep down inside, I feel... a sorrow that God has perhaps decided that I will be, and remain, one of the "leftover" women. At the same time, I don't want to be someone who is used up for her service and then discarded. But I've accepted my life the way it is, and try to my best to help people when I can... Even as I'm fighting and asking a lot of questions along the entire way! It's just how I'm built.

Thank you for taking the time to explain and talk things out. That means a lot and I know we won't always agree on everything, but I wanted to tell you that I appreciate the grace you extend by giving further explanations in your posts.

May God bless you and your wife.

Thank you seoul for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage and strength for a person to overcome a struggle like his. It sounds like he went through a lot growing up.

I am glad I can get someones power back up. I know what it is like to be on the down side of things and would rather see people get out of that funk. Sometimes we can look at the negative things in our lives that not only can we miss a blessing from the lord but we forget the blessings he has already given us.

I am very thankful our paths have crossed. A women who loves the lord, is kind hearted, and has a sweetness to her is hard to find. I alone attend a smaller Baptist Church, so meeting someone is not very likely. It's ok though, it is in the Lord's hands and it's his timing. But I am thankful to be able to talk with you, it brightens my day 😊

So... What are you doing Saturday night? =^.^=

thatzphunnneee!

Chatting over coffee. Do you like coffee?

you are not to harsh. i also took care of the elderly & handicapped on a volunteer basis for 37 years as i was a "busyaholic". i didn't like to watch t.v. when young & i still don't so that helped me with time to do more. i'm sorry to hear of your pain. i will pray for you.

Thank you for such a a gracious response. ❤️

My goodness, if only we all had your level of energy and motivation! 😁 What a blessing. 🌹