What Does It Mean Today When Someone Says, "I Want to Make Friends"?

Hey Everyone,

We see posts every day saying, "I'm here to make friends!" Of course, this is wonderful and something I'm sure we almost all came here for.

But what does "friendship" really mean today, and how has it changed over time? Does being "friends" mean you're on someone's personal social media list, or does it mean something more? Was "friendship" different back in other times of your life than it is today?

For instance:

* How many of your neighbors do you personally know?

I remember a time when it seemed normal to know several, if not most, of your neighbors, but for me, it's non-existent. I've actually been in situations where I felt God told me to isolate myself for my own safety, so it's become a bit of a habit now. This is especially true since drugs (particularly smoking various substances) have become very mainstream in areas where I've lived. (I'm not saying anyone who does these is a bad person; but it's likely that I would be invited or pressured to go along with it or participate, which is something I don't want.)

* Is a friend someone you only speak to online, or for you, does a real friend have to be there in person?

My whole life, I've met friends through writing. Back in the day, I had old-fashioned snail mail pen pals whom I wrote for a while and then met in person (long before I could Google them to see if they had a criminal record.) These days, it's all online, though it might take quite a bit of time. I think I met @Pipp here on CC around 2015, maybe 2014, and I just met her in person in 2022. But better late than never, and it was an awesome time!

* Do you make friends at work, in church, or in social groups?

One thing I've really noticed over the years is that people don't want to be "friends," or rather, "associates," outside of a certain place or circumstance. For years, I was perplexed (and hurt) as to why people would talk to me every day at work, every time they saw me at church, etc., but were almost offended when I asked if they wanted to go to lunch or coffee outside of that specific situation.

I finally realized that I think a majority of people today (sometimes including myself,) look at others as a good social obligation or distraction, but nothing more. The person at church likes having someone to small chat with to feel like they belong and are actually "part of a church." The person at work likes having someone who makes them laugh and is a good excuse to stop working and talk to. But that's as far as it goes, and it doesn't seem like many today ever want to go past this.

Have others noticed this too, or have you experienced something different?

* Do you find that your friendships are balanced (fairly equal give and take) or do you find yourself doing most of the giving? How has it affected your approach to future friendships?

I have to admit that one of the reasons I started isolating myself is because people were often asking me for something. Whether it was rides here and there, watching their kids (or pets while they were gone,) financial help (in one case, asking me to co-sign a loan, which I promptly declined.) But when the tables turned, I would then find myself at a loss if I was asking for help from any of these people. (Hence, my stubborn fierceness in trying to be self-reliant.)

As a single person, I sometimes feel targeted by others as an easy pawn to take advantage of when the other person knows they have nothing to give back, not even their time.

Now I know as Christians we should gladly and selflessly serve people without expecting anything back, but I don't think friendships were all meant to be charity cases. God gave us boundaries and I'd like to think that I have learned to better enforce them. I also try to keep in mind that we are often in contact with someone for a time and a season, that the our journey with them was meant to end.

These days I don't have many friends and unfortunately, they are all far away, but I truly think they are the best of the best. I feel truly thankful to have them, but try to always stay open to meeting new people and yes, making real friends.

How about the rest of you?

* What does it mean to you when you or others want to make friends?

* What actually makes a "real" friend in today's modern mix of real-life and digital living?

Its odd I guess but the friends I've made online are the only one's I'd really care to hang out with in person. I met a few from CC a couple years ago ( yall know who you are! ). We had a great time at a meet up in Tennessee.

I dunno...

When I want to talk to people, I talk to them. When I don't want to, I don't. If someone wants me to do something for him I'll do it if I want to - which means if I think he really needs it, if I think I can do it without more trouble than it is worth and if I can feasibly do it.

If someone stops talking to me I just move on. He used to be a friend, but we both just moved on with our lives.

Aside from that, I don't really think about it much. People come into my life, hang around for a while and move on. I pretty much just take it as it comes.

Only other thing I have to add is, the Bible says a person who has friends must show himself friendly. A lot of preachers talk about that verse as, "If you want friends you have to act like a friend." But that verse says a person who HATH friends - not a guy who WANTS them.

Basically the more friends you have, the more time and effort you gotta put into keeping up those connections. We all know that one person who spends all available free time on facebook keeping up with everyone else's life.

These types of posts fall into two categories. The 'I'm looking for a friend' posts and then the 'I'm looking for a friend... of the opposite sex'.
The first I'm not sure what to think. They typically don't last more than between a day to a week. I suspect they're looking for something faster than can occur on a forum.
The other is clearly looking for a date/potential spouse, but trying not to come out and say it. Funnily enough these people don't last long, either.
Come to think of it most people that say they joined the site 'looking' for something or someone, don't seem to last long. Hmm. 🤔

Good ole Magenta. Always gotta be different.

Hey! Who are you calling old? .

Maybe I just don't know enough people. Then again, I am not looking to enlarge my circle.

Speaking of social media... my closest sister was telling me a story about a friend of her youngest daughter's,
who was posting in real time from her bed after she did whatever it was she did to end her life. We live in
such a different world than the one I was born and raised in. Maybe I am old, after all... .

I only consider inner circle friends whom I know in "real" life as friends. Even though I hope we will be lifelong friends, I know there is no guarantee so I always try to guard myself from disappointment. Earlier last year I read a few books on why friendships end, and was surprised and also not surprised to learn that even good friendships end over small reasons. I am always open to new friendships with compatible people.

It would feel funny to come in saying, "Hello everybody, I'm looking for love...and I've heard that Jesus commanded that you love one another, you know, like He loved you?"

I think I see my friends in real life more than email or online friends just due to distance. I hardly go online at all with the friends I see everyday or make the effort to go and see.

Online friends occasionally will meet up but I dont do the social media thing of having a page just for me and update with all thats going on. That might have been a novelty to do that after uni when it was new but it got old pretty quickly. People cant keep up with all that especially if you make hundreds of contacts.

Forums is usually centred around an interest and can be a sort of geeky in-club.

I do find there is a give and take of some sort in equal friendships (take turns organising outings or paying for things) but you sometimes have to make allowances if someone has more means or they going through a tough time. I have one friend whom I always go to their place and she never comes to mine, but I take her out cos she doesnt drive. Another friend prefers to do the driving, or I offer. Its only because I live where I live and cant always meet up if theres no transport.

I imagine it would be different if I lived right in the centre of the city or lived in a friends style apartment and just had to go across the hall to hang out.

church I find has been good for social things though different churches can do different things and you do have to make the effort to connect if you want to ever do things outside of bible study or whatever. As for the going to lunch or coffee thing it might be just an expense thing, lots of people just dont really have spare cash or even time for that kind of thing.

Lunch breaks when you working can be hit and miss, coffee is often what you can drink in a takeaway cup, or it might be a BYO cut lunch. I would eat my lunch with whoever is there in the staffroom but depending on kind of work you cant always have it at the same time as everyone else. Ive learned not to let it bother me if nobody wants to sit with me but it is nice to just chat outside of work for those that have that luxury of time.

Cute! I'll be friends with the sloth!

It's the same in relationships. It's odd how we let small reasons end something so important.

I think that if you new to an area (say new to a job, or in a class where you dont know anyone) its important to make friends.

People find it hard when theres established friend circles and to join in with people whove known each other for a long time and you just a newcomer. You dont know the unspoken rules and you make all sorts of faux pas.

Theres no point closing yourself off and going Ive already got a friend and not open to new ones.

Ok married people might have the excuse of well I have this friend who I am married to and I must forsake all others. They are after all, bound!

But we singles are free to make friends with whoever we please. Thats the beauty of friendship just enjoying the company of whoever you happen to be with.

CS Lewis had a great commentary on this in his book the Four Loves:

Friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which till that moment each believed to be his unique treasure (or burden)...
That is why those pathetic people who simply want friends can never make any.... there would be nothing for the friendship to be about.

Mostly I think when people say they want friends (even that special friend of the opposite sex) what's underneath it is that they want connection and to not feel so isolated or alone. But so much in modern life is designed to pull us apart into individual consumers (because people who enjoy each others company with very little additional stuff aren't good for the profits of businesses that want to sell more stuff) that it takes some serious dedication to forming and maintaining friendships. Perhaps a cultural focus on the uniqueness of the individual and all the ways I am special and different also contributes to the feeling many express of no one can understand me.

Also, I should watch less TV and play less tablet scrabble and read more CS lewis.

How do we know you arent trying to sell us CS Lewis books Cinder?

I once got in touch with someone I knew from intermediate school and it turns out she really only wanted to be friends with me in order to sell me tupperware.

How do we know people on here arent undercover spies wanting to mine others for their identities or maybe write about them and use them as characters for their next bestselling novel...??

Possibly drug dealers are always trying to make ' friends' too and salespeople...they are too friendly for their own good.

I have watched the musical remake of Mean Girls. How do we really know if someones trying to befriend us or they harbour secret desires to push us under a bus. I dunno. Or maybe they want to be MORE than friends. Who knows.

I think in the US its complicated thanks to drugs and alcohol and guns, but otherwise, it doesnt help anyone to be paranoid.

I think books like How to Win Friends and Influence People dont help either. Basically its teaching you how to be a con artist. The more facebook or whatver social media friends you have, possibly the bigger market share. I think the smarter people have cottoned on that things like facebook are just convenient vehicles for advertising.

It used to be quite innocent and just a way to catch up with alumni after graduation. But back then it was called 'networking'

The children of the light are often in their generation not as wise as the children of darkness.

Friendship with the world is enmity to God.

I often think that God is so jealous that he wants us no part of the world. He loves the world yes to save us from it but He is not the god of this world, Satan is...and the world is headed for destruction. But I think its hard for people to give the world and pride of life and all its pleasures up.