A question for those who are or have been married

Hey everyone, most of you don't know me but I used to haunt these forums a lot back in the day. *waves*

I've been wondering about something for a while now and thought I'd get perspectives from those who have actual experience:

When you decided to marry your spouse, how did you "know" it was the right thing, or what God wanted? Like, did you ask for a sign, just had peace about it, felt like God told you something, etc?

I debated about posting this in singles, but it seems a good number of us are or have been married at some point. I would also be interested in hearing the perspectives of those who married and regretted it, thought they got ahead of God, etc. but I know that can be a really sensitive issue and I totally respect that!

Full disclosure: I have never been married and am not currently dating anyone, so I'm not looking for advice so much as wanting to hear other perspectives and experiences.

I think the best approach for a woman is to find someone that loves her, since God directs men to love their wives. And likewise, a man should look for someone that respects him. But, of course, not without keeping your part in it at mind...
So, ladies, find a man that loves you and that you respect.
And, gentlemen, find a woman that respects you and that you love.
That's as perfect a marriage as anyone is going to get, though I'm not going to say whether my marriage is or isn't anywhere near perfect.

Hmm...

Duplicate threads - the same thread posted in more than one forum - are usually discouraged. But in this case I think you might post the same thread in the Family Forum too.

I'm not saying Singles is a BAD place for this thread. I mean you might post it in Family Forum also. You'll get opinions from divorced people here and opinions from people who are still married there.

Maybe ask Oncefallen to permit a duplicate thread this once. Or (since he approves new threads anyway) maybe just post a clone of this in Family Forum and see if he'll approve it.

Thanks Mem, that sounds like good advice! I guess I was looking more for how specifically people felt they were making the right choice, but ya can't go too wrong with a guy you respect who loves you, huh?

And good advice too, Lynx... I was poking around a bit and it seems we have quite a few married peeps who post is singles now (which is cool! ), and also people whose spouses have passed away. But if I don't get much response here I shall try the family forum.

This is like sooo Sbackersmom. She says "and it seems we have quite a few married peeps who post is singles now (which is cool! ), " like "Not that there's anything wrong with that". And then you followed it up with ".....and also people whose spouses have passed away" like "and there's nothing wrong with that either. Well, you know except for the obvious".

It was like a Seinfeld conversation. It just cracked me up is all. I don't have anything to actually add.

Might sound crazy but "look at the farm set",,,

If a man is is in love he will be in the midst of gathering the farm set. He wont be able to help himself and so when he's at work and it's break time he'll sit there thinking stuff like he needs a tool box because he's thinking about checking the break fluid and tires on her car(and he's worried about it real bad)... He's probably going to look at lawnmowers,hammers and screwdrivers because that's what he's thinking about in his head(mowing the grass in their yard,fixing the things in their home) but if he's in love he's going to collect all the stuff up that goes along with the "I'm in love farm set collection"

Now when she's in love she will collect the farm set and she wont be able to help herself from doing it either. She will look at the stuff that goes in the house like dishes,and curtains and such. Neither of the two of them will be able to help themselves but they will just walk around in the mall after they watched the movie and ate and either they will find themselves looking for things to set up a house together(the farm set) or not. In some cases one of them may find that they are looking at the farm set pieces and the other person is not(heartbreaking I know) it's best not to ask but instead watch(look at what their doing AND your self AND what your doing) it's the easiest way to know if your in love or if their in love with you.

I was on a dating site and met some nice ladies, but they were boring. I couldn't talk with them very much. Then in January 2020 I met someone where everything just seemed to flow so well.

One day at work I was on a chair in the lobby with my eyes closed thinking about going to a church and having a minister prophecy to me a word about marrying a woman in Vietnam. I opened by eyes and a sign that said, "God's divine intervention," was right in front of my eyes. It was a little billboard about 15 feet off the ground. I never paid a lot of attention to it before.

Since then I have always felt God is with us and supports us being together. Compare that to a previous gf where God blatantly told me my life would be completely meaningless if I marry her.

I can recall 2 marriages where the people belonged together. One was when I was in college. The guy wanted to run around chasing other women. Eventually, he gave that up and married this girl. From what I've heard, they ended up breaking up, because the guy went back to the running around lifestyle.

More recently, my best friend and I met a young man, and he shortly after found a girl he was crazy about. They talked about seeing signs and confirmations I don't remember the details of anymore. They ended up getting married and moving in together. The last I heard is they were separated and headed for divorce. I don't know what happened, but I would assume it was something in the realm of sexual immorality even if it was just pornography. I'm just guessing, though.

This brings up an important point that if the two people involved aren't continuing to trust in God and be faithful to the marriage, even what God puts together can fall apart. I think a lot of this starts before the marriage. If you learn how to live in an upright manner as a single person, you will be better equipped for marriage. It must continue on after marriage, though.

My soon-to-be wife is in Vietnam. I should be going there to work on marrying her soon. I forgot to mention that I stayed at the Saigon Holiday Inn for 5 days, and they were having some wedding fair event at the hotel. I'm not sure what it was about exactly, but I saw it advertised on the front of the building. I went to a church with this girl later in the trip, and the pastor's wife was giving a teaching on marriage. As my spiritual mother used to say, "There are no coincidences in the kingdom of God."

To quote the venerable Admiral Ackbar: "IT'S A TRAP!"

I dunno... Smells like a trap to me, a way for a pretty Vietnamese girl to easily get citizenship in another country.

I could be wrong though. I hope I am, for your sake.

I met my wife through an Facebook singles group. Long-distance relationships are rough, so I wouldn't really recommend it, and it probably wouldn't have worked for us if we hadn't lived 40 minutes away. We spent a lot of time messaging each other through Facebook, so once we started dating, I was not looking for sign that she was the right one, but rather our relationship was going to lead to marriage unless one of us found reason to end it, and thankfully we did not. The Bible does speak about qualities to look for in a spouse, so there is a sense that anyone who has those qualities is the right person.

I found it helpful that we did not physically touch each other until after we got married. That helped us to evaluate the relationship without our judgement being clouded by romance. There re many people who stay in a relationship that they should have gotten out long ago because the physical connection blinds them. We're both introverts, but we found it really easy to talk with each other.

in my case, i did not know, totally, that she was the one to marry. all the Christian "stuff" was there except for one thing. i straitened her out on that issue & we got married but still didn't totally know. i knew after because she told me something that the Holy Spirit told her about us getting married. & the H.S. is NEVER wrong. 1st, she asked me out on our 1st 2 dates. & then later, she asked me to marry her. i did not receive any promptings or messages from the H.S. i had known of her family for decades & they were all in excellent Christian standing in the community. so that helped me.

60 years ago, I took my future wife to her senior prom, and in '65 we go married. My Mother and I share the same foundational Scripture: PS 37:5 - "Commit thy way unto the Lord, believe also in Him, and HE will bring it to pass."

We did, and HE did. OFTEN without any great personal awareness of HIS WORKINGS behind the scenes all along.

I couldn't have found a more "complimentary person". Our strengths and weaknesses are such that the TWO of us are essentially one complete team.

it's been a good 58 years.

Makes sense, I often wonder if a film of my life plays out in Heaven as a sitcom......not that there's anything wrong with that!

Interesting......so it sounds like you're saying that you did seek signs from God, and you feel that He delivered in a way that worked for you? That's cool .

Ha, well I get your sentiment Lynx, but I have known quite a few overseas marriages that did indeed work out. I love Viet Honey, did you feel like you needed more assurance from God about the situation since it was an overseas thing, or was it about the same you would have felt you needed for a "domestic" relationship? Just curious!

Lol thanks, that cracked me up .....sounds like you're saying it can be more of a subconscious movement in a marriage direction? Like, if you find yourself not overthinking it and it just seems natural, that could mean it's right? And what if I like a guy who already owns fifty million tools and gadgets?

That is really interesting.....there's kind of a stigma against Christian women asking men out (let alone asking a man to marry them!), but God reminded me once that Ruth did it, and it was proper in her case. Her marriage to Boaz even became part of the Messianic lineage, so sounds like God approved . It's funny how we Christians tend to make up rules for ourselves that aren't in the Bible, as if following the Bible wasn't enough to deal with we have to add extra stuff . I wonder why your wife didn't tell you the things she had been shown by God before yall tied the knot? Just wondering!

That is so incredibly sweet! It has never felt that easy or uncomplicated for me personally, but I'm glad it worked out for yall and it does seem to have worked out like that for some of my friends too.

That's cool, I'm introverted too so I get how meeting and talking online first can make things easier. I wouldn't have considered 40 minutes to be long-distance, but I guess it's all relative huh? I have known and dated guys with great Godly qualities but when it came down to marriage it never seemed that simple for me. I'm glad it worked out for you and your lady, though!

what "rule" are you talking about? i have never made up rules contrary to the Bible. maybe the H.S. told her to keep quiet about it. then there's this: the trust issue. i was never convinced to marry her but everything sounded & looked proper. actually, a funny story had occurred early in our relationship. it was the night i met her which was next door to me. (i was assisting a lonely friend with companionship because her husband died). so we were playing lots of games; cards, skipbo, chinese checkers, etc. i beat her in every game & i could tell she didn't like that. she wore a "face" that told me she was spunky, feisty & vindictive. & i said to myself right then & there: "i'll never date her, she's feisty". & the opposite happened! we dated & married!

I apologize for my vagueness, I was not referring to any rules that you personally have, but rather some in the Christian culture that I was raised in. As a young woman, it was presented to me that females should always take a back seat and let men "start things"....to do otherwise was considered wrong and un-feminine. It was later in life when I was shocked to realize that what I thought was a hard rule isn't actually in the Bible, quite the contrary!

But clearly you do not have the same issue I did, since you were willing to let your lady initiate things. I think that and your game night story are both very cool!

thanks. but to be particular, she said & did all on her own. i didn't "let' her initiate anything. but i get what you are saying.

I get it, no worries . I really do think it's cool that you rolled with everything like you did, I think I would probably need something similar.....maybe it's a feisty woman thing? Like, we need a guy who's chill enough to roll with our randomness and un-conventional approach?

To clarify, there were people in that Facebook group from all over the US and some from around the world. I would have needed to fly or go on a long road trip to meet almost everyone I talked with. I was previously in one relationship where I think that things would probably have worked differently if we had been in the same area. My wife and I both agree that our relationship probably wouldn’t have worked out if it had been long-distance instead of 40 minutes away. Being able to meet regularly in person is huge. Thank you.

This question prompted so many memories for me. When I met my ex husband I prayed, fasted and asked GOD to reveal whether he was "the one".....signs upon signs starting flowing in the direction of yes....we got married, separated twice and eventually divorced. When we got divorced I remember quarelling with GOD, I even had the audacity to tell GOD he failed me....phew thank GOD his mercies are new every morning and I didn't get hit with a lightening bolt 😄. One day though GOD "broke" his silence and showed me HE DID WARN ME NOT TO MARRY MY EX....several times...through people.
In the midst of all the supposed signs that pointed to YES, and they were many, the big whole neon signs of NO was shining too. I just chose to ignore or rather not listen 😔. The error was all mine. A week before we got married my ex out of the blue, told me if I wanted to stop the wedding to go ahead, by then I was starting to feel realllllll unsettled about moving forward but I ignored my inner feelings, the neon signs, my ex giving me an out of the blue exit and told myself we were both born again believers, serving GOD in ministry...we were both worship leaders in our respective churches at the time....this marriage will work.
My wedding day was awful, the honeymoon uneventful and from then it went downhill from there.
After my experience I'm no expert on signs 😆 but listening to GOD, paying attention to his voice and not ours is soooooooooo important when it comes to choosing a mate. Both my ex and I grew up in church, in fact we knew each from childhood and at the time of our marriage he was a widower with two kids but we were unequally yoked, and yes it is possible to be unequally yoked even in the church.
So should the good LORD allow and send someone my way, I'm not gonna place much emphasis on signs and wonders..I will however pay close attention to his voice, which in my case was numerous persons, as he directs my footsteps. 🙂