Since my childhood I was forced into religion. It took me many years and many bad experiences to come over this and to find a way back. I believe with all my heart and soul. I will however never know if God really forgave me. I know that Jesus gave his life for all of us, but I am sick and fight hard to keep the good way. But it occurs on a regular basis that I fall back in bad habits (all three to six months or so - alcohol). I am the most peaceful person you can imagine - and I hurt only myself with what I do. On the other side I take 1. Jacob 1:18 literally and have a widow and two orphans on my charge. This is sometimes on the limit (now that I am retired). Instead of saying "I am saved" I rather ask myself if God will ever forgive me. All these verses condemning lies, alcohol etc, come to my mind. And I am pretty down, depressive. Due to all my years as a Jehovahs Witness I have become very strict with myself. I do not judge - I think they are (with exceptions) quite serious in their believe and honestly, you learn a lot about the Bible - but not in the context. I have left some 30 years ago and found only back to Jesus some years ago, when I was working abroad. My actual problem is as well, that I am completely isolated: I live in a foreign country, a small village without any chance to exchange with other Christians. I do not even have a car to make this possible. I do not even have access to medical treatment and if something happens, I have to find a way out by myself. Until now I always was strong enough to do this. So this is not a nice story and I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Sometimes it seems that I made my life so hard and never had a chance to build up a community of friends. Always working in different countries is not helpful - you can have colleagues, buddies but not real friends - except the family i take care of - but even this is by distance over three countries and two continents. I feel pretty alone. The only good moments are, when I walk (long distances) and pray. Then sometimes I feel better. Any idea how to change the situation? I believe with all my heart and I hope that Jesus sees my struggle. I wish sometimes someone would take me in the arm - and I could cry. A sad situation here. Pray for me if you want and can. I feel like the "tax collector" who does not want to raise his eyes and says "oh, lord how can you forgive me". And I wondered very often what he actually did after this prayer. Continue to collect taxes - but not cheating? Or did he give up his job and went to work on a field? All this has led now to deep depressions and sometimes ideas, not to want to live any longer. But even that - nobody to talk to. I have to do it all by myself. May God help me in my distress and have mercy.
