Seoulsearch Tries To Date Multiple People At Once -- Ending In Epic Failure!

I also had the lovely church people telling me I could never remarry.

This forum really needs a text to speech option, where I can just tap a button and my phone will read me the post while I'm driving. I live 14 miles from my job, and it would be a good use of drive time.

Personally, this is my favorite line!

Don't you just love lovely church people! 🤪

All very good thoughts up there Lynx and Seoul !!!

It's funny that John seems to think I "failed" at dating because I must have something wrong or because I'm not married

Dating is an activity whose end goal is marriage. And the prima fascia evidence of your admissions is a failure in your endeavor of dating.
I'm not a cardboard cutout....I'm a person here. Please try to remember that. I KNOW that it's difficult for you....but make an effort at least.

I'm not a cardboard cutout....I'm a person here. Please try to remember that. I KNOW that it's difficult for you....but make an effort at least.

I remember walking into a singles SS class after getting divorced and listening to the banter between them and thinking that I seriously don't want to return or turn into these people.

Well, singles are consistently slightly flirty but never anything overt....always baiting for the "ego stroke".Then there's the non-stop "resume building" for a prospective spouse. Guys doing "manly things" (except admitting to video games) and girls trying to improve their figure, appearance and reduce debts.
Married people don't do any of this. We tend to think "we" all of the time. We don't care about self improvement....really! We don't want more college degrees or reduced debt or increased savings. We are usually generous with compliments because it's a habit. We aren't constantly signaling "available " with somewhat flirty comments or manipulating for ego strokes. We look for activities that aren't so gender specific. We definitely have a high value on a good dinner and conversation. How trite is it for married guys to excell at barbecue(or cooking in general), care about lawn maintenance or shrubbery?
Married guys (the good ones) are all knowledgeable and involved about their children and know a lot about their discipline and achievements.

Where singles are ever ready to talk about themselves, married people talk about everyone and everything else except for themselves because their focused mindset is always outside of themselves.
I knew a single woman that had a huge strawberry across her face and neck and arms. But she was always pleasant and was the queen of bunt cakes...always concerned about feeding us during class. Out of everyone else in the singles class she was the first to get married. And she was up against three different "barbie" type women with impeccable dress, makeup, pedigrees and resumes. (I myself have never been interested in the cooking sort...I am a four star (French Mobile) five diamond class of chef . I can cook very well for two or two thousand. I personally have been a fan of the "smart girls" . (And it doesn't necessarily work out for me) So none of the barbies were to my taste.

But at any rate that should give you a starting point to begin noticing the differences.

which you always point out you are glad to not be part of, as if we are some how lesser for being so.

Are they the missionary or mission field?

LOL! Well said, JohnDB. Mind if I borrow that? I fell in a snare and had to live that phrase, about a year of tribulation.

well
Well
Well

After reading this post....
It's obvious to me why you had a colossal failure in dating.....

And why you really shouldn't "date" more than one person at a time.

Make friends instead.
Friend zone EVERYONE.

Sure hugs can be just fine. Maybe a kiss on the cheek. But nothing more until there is more organically.

Because until you actually connect and identify with someone and are willing to be emotionally vulnerable it's a waste of everyone's time and emotions. A notch on the belt is rather meaningless. And people are worth more than that.

Sure, the stories are fascinating...and the cognitive dissonance is interesting...but that doesn't mean that they are ready for a committed relationship...just like you really aren't either. Because you have to be a "joiner" if you are to have a committed, long-term relationship.

When was the last time you were a fan of someone?

Is it the idea of a relationship with a person or the specific person themselves that you like?

Everyone of course likes the idea and ideal of what married life can do for you...but the nuts and bolts seem out of reach for some inexplicable reason (of course everyone not in one has reasons they believe to be true....but are they?).

When I was "single again" I had made a LOT of friends. I hugged those who were receptive...and those hugs meant a lot. Not really a sexual thing but more along the lines of an acceptance thing of caring...because singles often are alone and feel lonely at times. And some you ran to the other side of the church to avoid having to give them a hug...because many singles are borderline crazies you want nothing to do with.

From my wedding vows:
Is this person a ministry partner who assists in your ministries or a drag on resources and keeps you from accomplishing ministry tasks. Are they the missionary or mission field? Are you comfortable helping them with their ministries? IE...are you joining two successful ministries or 2 planners of doing "something"?

You are either doing something or nothing.

Again, I've said NOTHING SIMILAR TO THIS. STOP PUTTING EXTRA WORDS IN WHAT I POST. STOP PSYCHOANALYZING PEOPLE. You aren't any good at it.


I am very happily married....I never thought that I would be....but I am...and I'm extremely grateful to God that I finally found the correct formula. I am happy to have a ministry partner and wife who helps me as I am also glad and excited to help her with her endeavors. And since you have ZERO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT you really have no basis upon with to judge the nature of our relationship despite you having once been married. Because if you did....you would understand what I'm relating.

And yes, most definitely you treat people as cardboard cutouts as a sum total of whatever attributes you check boxes on some list you use on them. Whether in person or long distance. It does seem to matter.
Just as a possibility....you might be hanging around and being influenced by people who despise marriage to begin with despite their claims to the contrary. I'll grant you that grace and suggest that if it is so you are then you need to make better friends.

I'm ignoring all your backpeddling as another bit of grace....which is more grace. Because if I were to call out your huge disingenuousness it would really point out that whole cardboard cutout thing you want hidden about yourself.

This forum really needs a text to speech option, where I can just tap a button and my phone will read me the post while I'm driving. I live 14 miles from my job, and it would be a good use of drive time.

I use the text to speech/read aloud option sometimes. I just sit in my comfy chair, rest my eyes and listen to a longer article. Most browsers have it. Might have to download it. For some you just highlight the text (Shift + End) and select read aloud.

LOL! Well said, JohnDB. Mind if I borrow that? I fell in a snare and had to live that phrase, about a year of tribulation.

Yep, I remember. While we're on that side of this subject; if you're willing to talk about it; we're you 'burned' by someone (or more) that you were seeing? If so, what was the gist of the most impactful one?

One focus of psychological research would suggest that you had a close and secure relationship with your father.


Absolutely yes, me keeping me from getting prematurely attached. Mainly because they are a bad match, or someone who would be bad for anyone. Not so much because they may ultimately choose someone else. Pain and rejection come with life. We have to leave room for God, right?

Everybody has different life (dating) experiences. Perhaps some dating experiences were directed by our good God, or maybe none. Or maybe God has created good from them in the form of discernment and caution. I'm sure it's a mix of many things; and we just have to do our best to listen to God and gain wisdom.

I've been so blessed with knowing so many good people. And I know very well everyone is imperfect; otherwise, I wouldn't have so many close family and friends. But by-in-large my dating partners have been a disappointing contrast.

Is my selection process dysfunctional, poor luck of the draw, cultural issues, supernatural intervention?


Commonsense-wise, statistically, I would agree, if you somehow know a guy is meeting/talking to other women, it's less likely he prematurely attaches to you.

But you do have me curious, how do you define a guy getting inappropriately attached to you?

Inappropriate attachment exists of course . But what is it? It's something worthwhile to think about. Is it only when you don't feel the same way? Is it time? Is it how much they really know you?

We know about love at first sight, and couples getting happily married for life after a few days. A very good match can happen, right? I think we can discern when it's too soon based on the shared experience and commonsense; but is it inappropriate for someone to like you a lot before you like them? Surely that alone doesn't make it bad, evil, toxic, or a "red flag", right? People can tap any necessary relationship brakes without a breakup, right?, without the need of you "pushing them away" as you put it? To make space for a healthy relationship, can you imagine a scenario where it's okay, and one where it's not?

Hi Sculpt, your questions kinda blew my mind . Been on a memory trip all day as a result. But I don't want to derail Seoulsearch's thread. Also, I'm not sure if the questions were rhetorical and just meant as food for thought (if so, they have achieved their objective! ). If they aren't rhetorical and you're wanting to hear the answers, I could Private Message them or post in my Fear of attraction thread.... or if Seoul doesn't mind I can reply here but there's a lot going on and I'm trying not to butt in.