Why Trying to Find a Husband Isn't My First Priority Anymore -- Because It Very Much Used to Be.

Hey Everyone,

This is going to be long -- so I apologize in advance. But I really felt God put this on my heart this morning, and, after praying, I was moved to write.

I've been asking God for some time why I don't feel that painful, gripping desperation to find someone like I used to, because it was an unbearable feeling. A simple, one-word answer came to mind -- my friend, "Lee" (not her real name, to protect her privacy.)

I wrote a little about Lee in my Survivor's Guilt thread. Lee and I are both adopted from the same organization, and she has dedicated her life to advocating for underprivileged children. We talk a lot about the state of adoption today (most are doing "trial" adoptions, in which people can send the child back if things "don't work out" -- very much like dating.) In the midst of exchanging stories that has filled both our eyes with tears, we were in the middle of a very public coffee shop, trying very hard to not maintain composure and not break down bawling.

We talked about the fact that we didn't know why God chose to save us from such horrors (she was telling me that in one country she visited, at least 90% of the children, both boys and girls, have been sexually assaulted somewhere along the system.) She feels even more strongly about her work now that she and her husband have a family of their own. We were both crying over the fact that there are so many children left behind, but we both concluded with strong conviction that God wants us to do what we can to help, no matter how small it seems.

Sometime in the 1990's (it's been so long I can't remember the year,) I went on a tour for adoptees to see their homeland. Nowadays, prospective parents are often required to spend several weeks in a country before they pick up their child, but back then, no one gave such things a thought.

My files say that I was found in a cardboard box at about 3 days old, taken to the police, and then landed here -- Holt Ilsan -- the orphanage where my own personal "Origin Story" began.



Ilsan mostly cares for differently abled and older children now, but we were also able to visit another orphanage that had toddlers and babies. (This is just a stock picture from Google, though I do have pictures of myself holding some of the kids from that trip.)



The most emotionally impactful part to me was being able to interact with, talk to, and hold some of the babies and children. One was just a tiny baby and absolutely screamed when I had to give her back to the caregiver. Oh, my poor heart! And I will always remember the set of identical twins who had completely opposite personalities. They were 4 years old.

One was happy and bouncy, smiling and laughing at everyone... But if you got too close to her crib, she would kick and fight. I didn't even know she had a twin until I heard a staff member talking about it, and had to actually hunt around the orphanage to find her.

And somewhere in the corner of the room, I found the sad, longing eyes of a little girl looking up at the other kids who were being picked up and help. The reason I couldn't find her at first was because she was shy, very quiet, and obviously used to being overlooked. She had just given up hope at getting anyone to notice her. I kneeled down to talk to her. She didn't back away, but she looked shyly at the floor. I gently touched her hand, and she didn't show any signs of resisting.

I placed her little arms on my shoulders, and when I did, she bear hugged me so tightly that I would have given everything I had to take her home with me. She was just used to being forgotten -- realizing that shattered my heart.

And when we had to leave, as I was putting on my shoes, she put her little arms out to me as if to say, "Please. Don't leave." I hugged her with all my soul, kissing the back of her hand, while trying to pick the pieces of my heart back up as we had to go.

I cried for days afterwards, and I still do when I think about her. I had asked one of the workers there if I could sponsor her and her sister, but was told that the two of them were in the process of being adopted. It was wonderful to hear, but not an absolute. I had sponsored another 9-year-old girl who had been adopted, but the parents gave her back after learning they were pregnant with "their own" child.

I don't know how the caretakers and people who actively work with the children handle it. I honestly don't think I could. I would be going postal after the first week.

When my former marriage was crumbling, a close family member said the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life, simply because of who it came from. This person told me, "I'm sorry you weren't woman enough to hold your marriage together," as my then-husband left in the middle of the day while I was at work for another woman.

And so, I began a years-long search to redeem myself. Not only did I have to find the perfect marriage for what I thought would be my own happiness, but I had to somehow do my part to restore the honor to a family in which divorce did not exist -- until me. My family never said this to me, but it's how I always felt.

I can't tell you what kind of pressure that was (enough to make me want to unalive myself several times along the way.) And to be honest, I never even know why it felt like so much pressure, because the natural Christian tenet that marriage is good -- so why was I feeling so miserable? I didn't realize at the time that making marriage my number one goal in life was actually killing me.

These past several years, something in me began to change. I have often asked God why.

And this morning, when I prayed about writing this thread, I believe God told me: "For you, there are more important things than getting married."

When God turned my heart several years ago towards Lee and her work in fighting against the prostitution and trafficking of unwanted or vulnerable children, suddenly the idea of flirting,, dating, and actively seeking out a husband didn't seem quite so important to me.

If you saw Lee and I together in person, it would probably make you laugh. She's always dressed to the nines and looks like model straight out of a fashion shoot -- even the barista who got our coffee told Lee she that looked absolutely perfect. Me? I'm the one in the loose jogging pants and a cartoon T-shirt! I'm sure people were looking at us thinking, "Why is that beautiful, impeccably-dressed woman talking to that homeless bum?!"

But Lee's talent for personal style has a distinct purpose, as she is in a position (and has all the stress) of talking to the heads of corporations -- who have the power to grant million-dollar donations in the blink of an eye.

Lee also has a marriage and family life anyone would envy. They even have a personal nanny for the times when both of them are working (and they work from home.) And this is where God pointed out that He has been changing me. In the past (and not so long ago,) I would have been consumed in thoughts of how jealous I was of everything Lee had, and why didn't God do the same for me.

These days, I see things in a much different light. I see the pressure she's under, the responsibility she carries -- and I am more than happy to give whatever support I can and be a personal cheerleader from the side. And I know that this -- finding people to help and support -- is what God is saying is most important in my life.

I would like to encourage everyone out there to ask God what the most important thing is that He has for your life as well.

Is it marriage? If so, fantastic! Some of us CC'ers were in a chat in which a couple met and married, and we all joke about how God really had to work because at first, neither one of them had ANY interest in joining the chat (which is how they met!) And the rest of us singles in the group cheer them on as they conquer life's milestones -- together.

As for me, I know God is telling me to look in other directions, and if something happens along the way, great! (I mean, could you imagine if I met someone just as, or even more rowdy than ME?!) May the Lord have mercy!!!

And so, I told God this morning that I am thankful He has finally broken through to me with at least one aspect of this important lesson, given to us by the apostle Paul:

Philippians 4:11-13 -- "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."

If you have made it through my ramblings, I sincerely thank you. And if not, maybe I can come up with a Cliff Notes summary! (With love for @Susanna!) ❤️

But now it's your turn.

At this point in your life, what is God telling you is The Most Important Thing?

Seol I can't tell you how much your story moves me and I'm glad that the person I see turned out the way she did I also am moved to see how you trusted us with your feelings be blessed sister.

Thank you so much, Stingray.

And thank you most of all for taking the time to read it! ❤️

I feel blessed to have a community in which we can share and encourage each other.

I am very inspired by the things you tell us about your own life, and it's been great having you here.

I'm glad to have found this place Seoul and I've been blessed ever since I came here. So the feeling is mutual. As you are part of that wonderful community.

For anyone who might be interested, you might consider looking up the story of Harry and Bertha Holt, the founders of Holt International Children's Services, through which I was adopted.

The Holt's were a farming couple who felt God was calling them to help orphans left behind by the Korean War. Even though they already had 6 children of their own, they felt moved to adopt 6 Korean orphans -- 4 boys and 4 girls.

But for them (and for God,) it wasn't enough. And so Holt International was born. I've read about the early days where they had nothing, and had to use empty dresser drawers as cribs.

When I went on the tour, I had the privilege of meeting Molly Holt, one of the original Holt daughters who carried on their work. It was also an extreme honor to meet Dr. David Kim, whom Harry Holt originally recruited. Dr. Kim, a young native Korean at the time, became an invaluable link between Harry, an American, and the Korean people he came to work with.

Adoption is not welcome in Korea or in Asian culture in general because they strongly believe in bloodlines -- so much so, that at times, adoption has been illegal out of not wanting to bring "bad blood" into one's family.

I don't know if it's changed, but for most of Korea's history, orphans did not legally exist. They could not get a birth certificate, so they couldn't apply for jobs, housing, get married, or do anything that requires a government ID. I'm not sure how this is handled today.

One of the most moving things was to see how excited the Korean workers there were to see us -- they celebrated us like celebrities and served us the best food they had. The whole time I was thinking, "But I'm just a kid in a box..."

It finally hit me when I realized that we were their life's work -- even when governments and cultures said that the Holts were just importing free slave labor for their farm, and people vehemently protested mixing Asian children with American families -- yet these people persisted, believing God had called them. And we were the living proof of that He had.

I will always remember a group of school children coming up to us after excitedly running to buy small gifts (pencils, stickers, etc.) for us with the little money they had. I stopped one of the children to write "Thank you!" with a big heart on a piece of paper, even though they didn't know English.

I didn't understand it until one of the workers explained that these kids were orphans, and they were amazed by us because We. Had. Families. To them, we were the equivalent of LeBron James, and they were looking up to us in awe. Some started to cry when we had to leave.

I just lost it then, and started bawling.

I wished they would have explained this to us in the beginning, because we should have been the ones to buy THEM gifts -- and so much more.

For me, knowing I was an orphan, but not experiencing the life of an orphan -- I was 6 months old when I came home to my Mom and Dad -- then going back to the same orphanage I came from, seeing these kids, watching how they lived, and being able to hold some of them...

It just changed me forever.

Thank you again for sharing your story Seoul it is a great one and God bless the ones responsible for the foundation and those that carry it on.

This is Harry and Bertha Holt, along with their God-given family (both their own family and the children they served in Korea.) For their own adopted Korean children, it took an act of US Congress to allow them to do so.







Harry and Bertha became known as, "Grandma and Grandpa Holt" to their community.







Dr. David Kim, who was instrumental in their work.








Molly Holt (she has since passed away,) working at the Ilsan Center -- my former orphanage.


Holt's motto, which is often found on their literature, is:

James 1:27 -- "Pure and undefiled religion before our Father God is this: to care for orphans (and widows) in their distress."

Thank you so much for your kind words, Stringray.

I enjoy the things you share with us as well and look forward to us all being along with you in your journey.

I figured I'd share something I've never told anyone here. You would probably find funny. I was born six weeks premature I think and I was 4 pounds nine ounces big I guess for a premature baby but what happened was I was mixed up with a pastors baby who was much bigger. Anyway I often wonder if I got prayer from that family because to this day for many years I've felt called to preach haha. I never even told my parents that part but it makes me wonder.

Well I wanted to let you know I'm getting ready to go to the movies so....if I miss anything I'll catch up when the movie is over.

What movie are you going to see?

Hope you have a wonderful time, and we will see you when you get back.

Furiosa an action movie

Let us know how you liked it when you get a chance.

I want to take a moment to address something here.

Some of the regulars here know that I had a bit of a... disagreement in another thread. The next thread I wrote after that was asking about people's preferences for tacos in Miscellaneous. In response, I was asked, "(Is this the) Best you got?"

Apparently it was assumed that talking about tacos was my answer to the disagreement that broke out earlier, and I guess it was seen as a silly answer.

But one has to understand, that was not my answer. This thread that you are reading is.

I can't say that it's my best work, as I feel God uses this site to constantly work on me, but I can say that it is sincere. It is what was strongly on my heart this morning after praying about this the past few days.

I've been on this site for 15 years, and as you could guess, I've gotten into a lot of... disagreements! Over the years, I found that the best thing I could do was just to keep writing threads. Whether the threads act as a direct answer or not, they always have a purpose -- even the ones about the most mundane topics.

Sometimes I don't answer disagreements, but if it seems best, I do always ask that I be put on Ignore. I can't use Ignore myself because of writing threads -- you have to be able to see the entire context of a conversation before answering.

But even the "silly threads" are very helpful. They help me clear my mind and get people talking to each other, which is my main purpose for being here on this site.

This forum is like a maze, and each written thread is one wing of the puzzle. I have learned that one of the advantages to writing threads rather than just following them is that, if you hit a roadblock in one part of the maze, you can just get up and start making new corridors.

What I have seen over and over again is that even when people disagree with your threads, they either get left with limited parts of the maze to choose from, or else, if they see new doors being unlocked (new threads that interest them,) they now have nowhere to go but those new threads. And they usually wind up mellowing out and just joining in, because the other posters just want to have a good conversation.

Have you ever had a disagreement in the threads that you were passionate about? Maybe you'll always disagree, and that's ok.

But if you'd like to have a bit more control of how your times here goes, may I humbly suggest starting to write your own threads?

Yes, it's a risk, and you can become both a target and a magnet for opposing opinions. And I'm no expert, but if you have any questions about how to do so, or how to write polls, etc. -- just ask, and I'd be happy to help.

In fact, out of all the time I've been here, I can genuinely say that out of all the... "disagreements" I've had over the years -- continuing to write threads as the solution -- has had a 100% success rate.

Why not consider giving it a try?

All these thoughts inspired me to write some extra "I love you" texts to my parents today -- because without them, I wouldn't be here. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.

And if you would like, please feel free to share some of your own.

Well long story short the movie was a dud i left before it was over.....thats when you know its bad. It was supposed to be about the mad max saga but it had some tie ins but not enough to keep it interesting. I did however have some yummy taco bell burritos haha.

This is a heart-warming Thread😢, lol, and a great issue. There does seem to be many Christian women I've encountered who would love to be married and time is passing by. My thought is would adopting/fostering a child be an option for fulfillment? There are so many actresses who were single when they adopted. Granted they have good incomes and are overjoyed with their new family members but I wonder if this is a valid option financially for a middle class person. I'm pretty sure Foster Parent-s get a large amt/mo to help provide for the kids.
Some actresses who've adopted are Sharon Stone, Madonna, Charlize Theron, Viola Davis and many more. They look so happy in the pics w/their families.
So what's your thinking on this, just curious from another's pov.

Single parent raising child alone is not feasible. There is no help from partner either financially or with labor. In a good scenario you may have family members offering free/low cost baby sitting. Child/day care or daytime nanny would require two incomes. I would not voluntarily go into this while working full time as it would be too stressful. I can see why such a scenario could motivate single parents to remarry, for help with costs and labor.

Thank you ladies for bringing up these important and insightful topics!

While it's definitely preferable to have two parents, single parent adoptions are possible. I only know bits and pieces, so feel free to look these things up, but I think at one time, adoption agencies might not have even been allowed to consider single parents. But when China was at the height of its One Child policy and thousands of girls were abandoned, they were much more open to single parents because there was so many children in need.

I've known two instances personally of women who adopted alone, and one adopted 5 daughters by herself. But this was also quite some time ago.

Unfortunately, from what I know (which again, is just a bit, so feel free to research this,) adoption has become almost impossible. I know only about foreign adoptions -- nothing about American ones. My parents went international because at that time, it took 5-7 years for an American adoption, but 2-5 years through Holt. When my parents got me, I think they had been waiting about 2 1/2 years. My Mom said back then, it cost the same as when she went to the hospital to give birth to my sibling.

I know a couple who adopted from Korea maybe less than 10 years ago -- and it cost $40,000. It is now also required that prospective parents spend some time (requirements vary) in the birth country before taking their child home. Of course, if God has called you, He will provide. This couple works in missions and were helped by donors and regular supporters. Agencies and charitable organizations may also be able to provide help.

But it's a very tricky situation. My friend Lee was talking about how many people are doing "adoption by trial" -- they have a certain amount of time or conditions under which they can return the child. As cold and horrible as this sounds, I wonder how many parents, even here on the forum, had birth children who turned out completely different than anticipated and would have "returned the child" if given the option.

Lee said that organizations are now trying to keep kids with their families, but what do you do if the families are abusive? She asked one little boy, about 9, why he was at the orphanage, and he said, "My Mom hits me and hurts me, but I want to go home."

I think there is a saying that goes something like, "When faced with two evils, people (especially children) will usually choose the one that's most familiar."

Thus brings in the issues with fostering. Lee and I talked about how many people have a fantasy of how something will go (much like marriage) -- and how they expect a loving, grateful child who showers them with hugs and kisses, especially since the parents or foster parents have done so much to "save" them. But what they often get is a bitter, angry child who hates the system, hates being shuffled around, might already be on drugs, and may take out all their anger on you.

I know of one woman who took in a pair of sisters, about 9 and 11, and they ruined her life. They had been through the system most of their lives, and would accuse caregivers of abuse. This woman lost her job, her home, and now has an accusation (I'm not sure if it turned into a conviction) of child abuse on her record. The thing is, these girls were known for this, and yet nothing was done to help this poor woman.

As much as I want to encourage people to foster or adopt, I also think they need to be highly educated of both the pros and the cons, and how to protect themselves. When I had thought I would be married, I was very interested in adoption, but feel that my time for parenting children myself has passed. Many years ago, we had a single woman here on CC who was about 36 and said she had been fostering children regularly, believing it was her calling from God. I wish she were still here -- it would be fascinating to talk to her.

As much as I appreciate what celebrities have done for adoption, I also have no doubt that they are able to "jump the line" ahead of other worthy parents due to their money and social status. I just pray that God works it all out to His will.

I realize absolutely nothing about this sounds encouraging, but as we all believe, when God calls people to certain things, He will make a way. If you feel called to foster or adopt, by all means, please keep moving forward or at least start the research.

And for those who know this is too much but want to help anyway, I obviously believe in Holt's work because I am a product of it. One thing I like about their sponsorship program is that they have a goal for each child, and once it's met (even if it takes years -- such as training parents at job skills, etc.,) they move on to another child.

It's not just a lifetime handout -- there are clear goals and objectives -- which is another reason why I'm a strong advocate for their work.

For example, one child I sponsored was removed from the program because the mother was not meeting regularly with the social worker as required. It's very sad for the child involved, but at my request, my sponsorship was transferred to another child whose family WAS meeting the requirements.

I'm beginning to think the whole Adoption & Foster plans are more concerned with making $$$ than getting a child out of the system. That's sad for the children, of course. I have a friend whose daughter, her husb and boy have been waiting months to foster a child.
I see adoption costs are undoable for many families and I'm going to write some lucky official about this set-up.
Also, I'm not saying a child should replace the hopes of finding a God-given husband, but I also see how rewarding, say fostering a child, can be. Sure, some kids have been through a lot, so one would have to ask questions and get all background info there is. It's certainly not for everyone. But most of the ones I know of, the children are so appreciative and happy to be with someone who cares.
Ok, back to the husband issue...I've gotta believe that if a person truly desires a spouse, God will provide one. There are many Scripture promises to stand firm on...and I know some will disagree on this idea, but in my circle I've seen it happen frequently. Two great Scriptures are Mk 11:23-24 and with those Scriptures someone was healed of 3 'terminal' diseases, because he believed them.
Also, we should look as good as we can. A cool haircut and for us gals, esp in my case past and present lol, a little make-up goes a long way.

It may not seem feasible, but I did it, at one point, with three children. My favorite source, 'yard sales', lol, and faith in God's mercy.