Wife's past

My wife and I been married for 12 years. We both attend church regularly and are saved. Recently we have been discussing things our lives we have not before.

Recently she has told me that two of her past partners were one night stands. I never knew this and assumed it was past boyfriends. She also confused me on her past. Her story has changed on how many partners and now I'm confused on what to believe. Also this hurts me greatly, this goes against my morals. I do not believe in one night stands and never acted in any in my life. NO this does not make me better than her and NO I'm not perfect either.

We have tried talking about it, but the more I find out and know the worse it gets in my mind. She says she doesnt even know their names. This destroys me, this hurts my souls in so many ways. I think about if often now and it keeps me up at night. I resent her now in ways. I feel this is wrong and I want to stop.

Another fact that bothers me greatly, over the years our intimacy has reduced greatly. I'm a very affectionate person and she is not over the years. I try to initiate and she turns me down often. This destroys me confidence. In my twisted mind "Well she gave it all to complete strangers but she won't with her husband." I think of I work hard in our relationship, I put in effort and think of cute date ideas or think or fun exciting ways to spark up intimacy to end up being rejected.

Once again, Im not perfect I have a past too. I want to move on and wish I can get it out of my mind. Right now my mind is racing and I don't know what to do. In a since I feel lied to. I feel that she knew how I was and my morals and she bent the truth. Yet again we have had a good marriage and I don't want to throw it all away but I can't keep on resenting her. I just want to mind to stop. I hurting bad here. Please don't tear me up on this forum, Im trying.

Yes I spoke to therapist but I refuse to tell this person on details since this is her private matters. Yes I spoke to pastors at church but I refuse to tell these specific details of my wife. This is her private matters, I know she is ashamed of them. I respect her private matters. I'm trying to respectful by keeping it anonymous on the internet. But yet I still feel bad venting here.

Please be kind and please help my terrible mind.

Hello! And welcome here. Hope you find fellowship and connection.

Not going to tear you up, but I don't see how a one night stand is worse than a long relationship, where she could have had sex many times.

She obviously made lapses in judgement. We all have. You have admitted as much as well. You knew she had a past when you married her.

The fretting, continuous prying, and vibe about the whole thing seems to me to definitely be contributing to the current lack of intimacy.

This much I'm sure of. If you DON'T stop with that stuff, one way or the other, your marriage will end.

I pray the Lord gives you a peaceful and forgiving mind about this whole situation.

Hi there LE. I won't comment on your particular situation since there are two sides to every story; and online isn't the best place to resolve personal relationship problems. But it sounds like you just really needed to get some things off your chest anyway. All I know is that good relationships require trust on both sides; it's probably the most important ingredient. If you don't have it, forget it.

This is a backwards look at things and focusing on it is only going to make things worse.

The problem isn't so much as to who your wife was as it is who she is now and her relationship with you. (Marriage counseling is a clue something is wrong somewhere and it is usually both parties with something going on between the ears that isn't working perfectly....water finds its own level)

What major project/goals are you two working on together towards? (It may be separate efforts joining together)

Physical intimacy is not so much a goal as much as a result of intillectual/emotional intimacy. And physical intimacy (often misunderstood as solely a physical activity) is something needed for a spiritual connection with each other. Women moreso than men but men enjoy the spiritual connection as well despite the hype of being emotionless.

Now....there is a challenge for married couples....and it's eye opening for a lot of reasons.
Physical intimacy every day without fail (except during her monthly) for at least three months but 6 is better.
Both doing this will change a relationship. Neither one of you can beg off because you are tired or "just not in the mood". That includes you! And it will become almost like a chore after a week or so. But that's not the object of the exercise....the exercise is going to change the dynamic of your and her attitudes towards each other. Because the physical intimacy actually changes the dynamic of your and her relationship.

There is nothing sinful about this....nothing untoward at all....you two have been married for 12 years. But it's a challenging trial in the oddest of ways. It WILL draw you two closer together in ways that should have already happened but haven't.

For whatever reason seem to like your secrets. You need to be the keeper of her secrets and she the keeper of yours.
And not telling a therapist your "secrets" is lying to the therapist but expecting a miracle cure in spite of them not knowing the symptoms of the problem. (Odd expectation)

As difficult as this seems right now, it is a necessary trial and, believe it or not, a gift of God to you and your wife. The whole ordeal has revealed some very troubling things in both of your hearts.
Since you are the one who has come here and opened up, I'll deal with your heart. I recognize what I am about to share can be difficult to hear, but if you can receive it, it will start you moving forward.

You don't love your wife the way Christ loves His church. I'm not saying you don't love her; I believe you very much do. But you love her the way you like to be loved. You have never figured out what love looks like to your wife. What you believe is loving and romantic doesn't resonate with her and you can't figure out why. It makes no sense to you, but what looks like love to you does not look like love to her. Gary Chapman has written a book called The 5 Love Languages. This book would prove very helpful to you.

You don't forgive the way God forgives you. When you came to God and asked for forgiveness, He forgave you to the uttermost. He placed your offenses into a bottomless sea, behind His back and as far as the east is from the west, and remembers them no more. This type of forgiveness treasures the person and negates the offense. You have magnified the offense over the person.

To love and to forgive as you need to do to heal your marriage is not natural, and will not come from you. Only the love of God being shed abroad into your heart will enable you to truly love and forgive your wife. So how does this happen?

Most relationships fail because people enter relationships with unfulfilled needs. And they are in the relationship to have their needs met. So it is not surprising that they are discouraged and disenchanted when their needs are not met. But relationships with others is not the place we are to have our needs met. It is our relationship with God where we are to find our satisfaction. Psalm 23:1...The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. We are to find all we need in our relationship with God. And until we have our needs met in Christ, we will continue to try to have our needs met in relationships with others. When we do come to the point where God fully satisfies us, we can begin to pour ourselves into relationships rather than take from them.

If you made it this far, I commend you. It's not easy take a hard look into our own shortcomings. I also would like to encourage you. God has not brought you to this point to leave you now. He welcomes you to a time of renewal and healing. He desires for you to seek after Him and a deeper and more satisfying relationship with Him.

I'll be praying for you and your wife. And be encouraged. If God be for you, who can stand against you.

It is implied in your post that you were aware of her past when you took her as your wife. If this is true and if she has remained faithful since your marriage, you need to remember, you have made a covenant with her and with God. That covenant includes the promise that nothing short of adultery will separate you.

Marriage was never about a lifetime of bliss, but a lifetime of mutual commitment. This is your issue to resolve. You appear to struggle with forgiveness. That is a very common and very human issue, you're in the company of all Christians. It may take a lifetime of work on your part to resolve.

I believe the first step is to fake it. Forgive her in your mind as best you can. Pray for feel forgiveness in your heart every night. Go through the motions. Show her forgiveness each day, even if at first it feels hollow. In time, long or short; you will begin to change. You will change, not by your power but by the indwelling power of a loving God. He never fails to aid those who keep their promises to Him.

I'm gonna go with what RA said.
Sometime venting these things online anonymously helps if you can't face them in real life.
Real life is hard and requires hard language sometimes.

Start today! You cannot change her past. Forgive her and move on. Otherwise, you have nothing to gain, and everything to lose.

Try this. Forgiveness begins with me. When I learned this simple rule, my entire life changed.

I'm going to open up and share some personal things. Husband and I were both virgins when we met and married. Sex life was great and often at first. We've been married 21 years and after 9 kids, my hormones are SHOT and libido is basically dead.

Do you have kids? Pregnancy can screw up hormones, sometimes for years. Thyroid issues (hypothyroidism in particular) can screw up libido. I highly doubt she says no because she doesn't want you. If she hasn't had her health checked recently, you might gently suggest having some bloodwork done.

Personally, when I tell my husband no it's because I'm utterly exhausted and touched out from dealing with clingy kids and EVERYTHING all day (SAHM, homeschooler here). Not to mention there are always ALWAYS kids around from the butt-crack of dawn til midnight. Kids can make it hard to find a stress free window of opportunity.

Have you asked her why she turns you down so often? I know my husband can get offended pretty quickly when he brings the topic up. It doesn't matter how gentle I am in my answers or how many times I have to repeat the same reasons (health, kids, exhaustion, stress because kids are standing outside our door yelling, "Mom! Mom!" over and over and over or as soon as we sneak off all hell breaks loose...). Can you listen to her reasons without getting offended? Maybe ask her to write the reasons down so you can read and process without feeling like you immediately need to respond.

It might be helpful (and husband and I used to scoff at this idea) to arrange your days of intimacy and then find ways throughout the day, if you can, to ease her load and sort of woo her. Talk to each other about your "expectations". I'm content with 2x a week (and I have to push myself for that much) while my husband wants it 5-6x a week. We had to come to a compromise. Sounds like y'all need to have an honest conversation, without getting offended or angry.

And forgive the past. It's done and gone.

Hey @LunarEclipse

So what are you going to do? Divorce her for not being truthful with you while dating? I'm pretty sure that's not one of the causes for divorce that some believe God allows, but you do you.

That would be piling more sin on both of you. Because you can never remarry if you want to remain godly in that regard.

So, here are your options: Break up the marriage or get over it

The time to find out the things that are deal breakers for a godly marriage, is before you commit to the godly marriage, my friend.

As I see it, your only option, if you are saved as you claim, is that God commands you to forgive your wife in the same way that He has forgiven you. Do you think that God doesn't know about those things in your past that make you claim to not be perfect. Do you think that God shouldn't forgive you? Do you want God to forgive you for those things? Probably. And if you do, then God asks you to forgive in the same way that He has forgiven you.

Do you love your wife. And that doesn't mean whether you still feel romantic about her, although that helps. Or that you have soft warm fuzzies around her, although that helps also. But love, as I understand God's love for us is a responsibility for and to. God has taken on the responsibility of seeing to it that we have all that we need to live. Oxygen, food, water. The ability to build a roof over our heads and not sleep under a pile of wet leaves like a squirrel or some animal. God has even gone so far as to be responsible for our sin! Love, as I understand it being displayed to us through Jesus, is that He, God, holds a deep and abiding sense of responsibility and care for each of us.

That, my friend, is how you are supposed to feel about your wife.

Now, do the right thing. Go to your wife and confess your sin. Explain how you've been harboring ill feelings over her past stories and that you hope that they are never brought up again. Because it causes you to have sinful thoughts and feelings about the woman that you love and feel responsible for, for the rest of your life. Then you express your love to her by asking her, "Will you forgive me?"

Surely you can take it from there.

God bless you and your marriage and your family.
Ted

What is most important is that you both remain faithful to each other your entire marriage.

What exactly goes against your morals? Were you under the impression that she was a virgin when you married her? Why would one-night stands bother you and not the past boyfriends that you assumed that she had? I can see why this was not brought up before now.

Regardless, glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.

I can't see exactly what the wife would be in need of forgiveness from her husband for things that happened before they were married?

This is key. I fully concur with your estimate.

Hey @tourist

Oh, I guess I didn't read it carefully. I thought the poster was saying that he had harbored some 'uncomfortable thoughts and feelings' towards his wife. That's the person that he's supposed to be responsible for loving until death do them part. That would be a sin against his wife. Because yes, he should have known all of this before hand if it was something of major import, but no he didn't check. And now he's committed to a godly marriage and he's got all of these uneasy feelings towards his wife. In my understanding of God and forgiveness, it we harbor ill will for someone as we are taking our offering to the alter, we should lay our offering aside and go and seek forgiveness with that person and then come to the alter.

God bless,
Ted

If these revelations are going to destroy you, then it would be best to separate (not divorce).

Ask yourself if God did the same to you, as you're doing with your wife, how would you feel? God forgave her of her past, so ask yourself who you are to hold against her what God forgave.

In regards to her turning you down, that could be for a myriad of reasons. It may be better to sit down, calmly, with her and discuss why. If she has no reasons, not making the choice, then try looking into medical reasons.

But if she's already feeling bad about her past what she needs is the person that vowed to God to love her and support her, through good and bad.

It could be that she's indirect about her past because she's embarrassed or even ashamed by it and doesn't want to get into it. Especially not to you.

Is she a good woman? A good wife? Now? Then that's what's important, not what she did before she knew you.

I've never had a one night stand, never agreed with it either. But if I met a woman great enough to want to marry her, but she had one, or a few, one night stands in her past, it wouldn't stop me. Why miss out on who she is because of who she was?

This might be a matter of opinion. I'd view intimacy with a dedicated boyfriend as worse than a one-night stand, as a stand would be a once-off, whereas ongoing intimacy is more wilful. This said, these things were done before she married you - she might have tried to smooth it a little to make you more accepting, but it sounds like she tried to tell you already. My opinion is that it's best not to dwell on these things or even to ask about them. You know what you know, maybe let her know you are struggling with it (though this might trigger issues on her part), but I wouldn't be trying to probe further about her past, as you already agreed to marry her.

Love and forgiveness.. put down that stone and remember we are to forgive as we are forgiven. You can’t resent and then connect her past choices to not being intimate with you.

Maybe, if she lets go of past choices and not dwelling on them.. she may feel comfortable and secure. What a person does before we meet them should not be held against them. That shame should be resolved together.. love and forgiveness!
This Won’t be doing either of you any good to dwell on this. Let it go. Enjoy each other.

Im not judging anyone. This is sensitive subject.

Did she repent to God for sins ???
Being Born again, is to have Holy Spirit. The Christian has inner transformation. A renewal of the mind.

Ephesians chapter 4
John chapter 3
1 Peter chapter 1
For documentation.

If she is lying to you, then she never converted to Christianity and isn't Born again.

Sexual immorality by a unbelievers. Divorce isn't required. You can for peace of mind. Adultery is grounds for divorce.

Advice. Forgiveness, and reconciliation if possible ???

I lived with family member who was narcissist. I moved in 2015, and moved out 2018. I went through psychological abuse and emotional abuse. I keep distance from him.

Only you can make this decision.

Peace.