I hate my life most days. I still feel too addicted to "hoping for a better day"; but it never comes, and God delivers little if nothing of significant effect, and my mind is broken now. I cant seem to see a reason to read or bother due to God not protecting me from backsliding when I prayed not to end up in that state, before it happened. I was misled by false info etc for a while. I pray but my heart is not in it any more due to no results of significance and a weak flaky disposition after backsliding (because i do not know what I am doing / going towards / not growing / and too bitter - broken)
What can a loser with no help or money do. I need tons of money to do anything and even God has not provided a Job. If I went against God I could be rich, but it would only end up bad. I feel robbed of life only to have mine thrown down the toilet for not a single reward except salvation when I die. It seems "tilted" and dysfunctional some how.
I really did try to do evangelism but God gave me pushback so I stopped. I was energised in reading and learning but now I feel no reason to bother other than a fear of "ill be attacked by God in some way" if I become lazy and forget God. Etc. I have no hope. Heaven means nothing, only not going to hell and saving others. What does heaven have for me? No wife, no kids, no home I needed for family, no fun activities of exciting new things. There seems to be nothing except living like a monk or sheep contently doing nothing but service, whatever that is.
How can I have hope and energy in the correct way? Everything seems dismal except if I detach in meditation and forget my misery and lack of either "godly prayer delivery/health/wealth/learning/growth/losses/hell and heaven" etc? I do not think this can be helped by anyone. So, this is why I ask for prayer from others who can pray godly things because I am rubbish at prayer also.