New to CC

Blessings to everyone, I'm beth.
I'm trying to heal from religious trauma.
Since child I knew who my lord and Savior was. Was raised Catholic mostly because of my aunt. My parents were not church folk and my mother was an occultist. Needless to say suffered a lot of physical and mental abuse. Many years had passed and I dedicated my self to the Lord and got baptized in 1995 married a supposedly man of God that held a priesthood. We divorced (2013) after many years of narcissistic abuse.
The church turned their back on my children and myself. (His brother was a bishop at the time) Of course It was my fault because I would always question the doctrine and didn't fit the blind puppet.
Fast forward to 2016 remarried to a man who is a good provider and is always kind and present to my children. But again the cycle has started of hindering my light in the Lord. He is not baptized and doesn't have a relationship with the Lord. ( Found out recently) Sure he knows Scripture by heart but it's not living words to him.
Needless to say the past few months have been ruff and the world and many negative let's say energies have taken him over.
Much betrayal and secrets on his part. But for some reason I feel like I'm not allowed to leave. I'm confused. I pay for him everyday and have finally surrenderd him to the Lord. I can't handle the pain the tears the constant draining emotionally, physically and worst spiritually.
I have become a recluse of sorts finding it hard to connect with others.
But I know that father doesn't want me to give up. So here I am.

Asking who ever I’m going to date (or marry) about their faith in Jesus is like first priority.

Being completely transparent with a partner (from the start) sharing literally all dark secrets of the past (possibly even present) is like priority two.

The first priority is like day one of getting to know some one.

And second priority is like week two or first month.

But hey, you are here and we welcome you to Christian Chat. We hope to learn from you and support you.

Transparency goes both ways. I have never hidden who I am in Christ or my past. I'm proud of who I am and what I've overcome. We were best friends and courted for a year before getting married. I had young daughters and was afraid of them being hurt.
Now the issue is I'm discovering secrets that are less than respectable in a marriage. He is not a monster just that how can you tell someone you love them if you yourself don't really love God? There's a spiritual fence/ wall being build. I know my value and should not be second to his worldly let's say needs?
But at the same time confusion hits ,pain hits. Religious teaching hits love your husband don't give up it's a stronghold of not flesh and blood, it's your job to pray intercede on his behalf. Ect. Yet he's not seeing what's wrong with his behavior . He knows he hurt me and is mindful of my feelings and is still loving but won't stop what he's doing.
So again I'm confused and have been praying everyday, but recently I've had to hide my readings and not be caught praying around him it's starts a fight. So again confused who am I fighting ? him ? the world. Stay , go.
Trust God he will work on my husband and just stay quiet and let him continue driving a wedge where's no coming back from all trust being gone? Keep being disrespected but because he is still loving the kids and playing the good husband role I play happy wife role? I pray God gives me the a direction soon.

I can't handle the pain the tears the constant draining emotionally, physically and worst spiritually.

Hi Woundedwings, I thank God He led you here, welcome! Keep your trust in the Lord, find some of His promises to put faith in, like Mk 11:23-24, and occupy til He comes. I was in a similar boat and the Lord saved him just before he departed this world. God is faithful🙌 God bless & keep you and yours🌹🙏✝✡