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I've always believed in Christ and was raised in a very Christian home. Throughout the years I've developed a LOT of questions about religion and the bible and it has made me lose a great deal of my own personal faith. I still believe in Jesus Christ and the cross, but as for the ability to accept that the bible is literal in many cases has become almost impossible for me to do. When I was young I used to believe everything without doubt and held to the scripture as the unshakable literal truth of God. Now I see stories that really seem like metaphors that reflect greater truths. If I'm honest with myself about religion in general I have to admit that I doubt a great deal more of it than I believe.
I went to a bible study last night and found myself feeling completely out of place. I didn't buy into half of what they were saying and many times it just felt so unreal to me. I've always felt out of place around Christian people, but now its worse than ever before. Largely because I'm really not used to it anymore, but its always been a struggle for me. I don't like singing in public. I don't like sharing intimate details about myself in prayer circles. I don't like holding hands with strangers. I'm already uncomfortable enough around people in general to be honest.
And now the worse part is I can't get any peace in my heart about God anymore or my own salvation. I fear that I have developed what the bible calls a "reprobate" mind. I'm too cynical and find too much wrong with religion to be able to shut down my own mind. It won't allow me to just overlook my own questions anymore. I can't get around the idea of eternal torture for those who won't accept Christ.
In fact I'm not sure I even believe in hell anymore honestly. And the part of me that does still believe in hell fears that I'm going to go there for my unbelief.
I have never been able to not sin either. I went through years of the begging God for forgiveness then sinning then rinse and repeat until it just dawned on me that I can't not sin. What the bible calls sin is about as natural to human beings as brushing your teeth and using the bathroom. And so then my own christianity just becomes this battle of not sinning and sinning and I become entangled in this guilt ridden never ending cycle that makes me feel like a horrible person all the time. The bible commands you to be perfect and holy and walk in righteousness and quite honestly I don't think there is anyone out there who really is even though they pretend to be. Its just a never ending cycle that makes me feel completely worthless.
Sorry for the book but I feel dangerously close to just branching out into my own views on God which would probably include a great deal of science and humanism, and leaving church and organized religion in the rear view mirror for good. Honestly that thought scares me to death, but the fact that anything to do with a loving God invokes such fear in my heart makes me wonder if I've ever known the real God at all. Is a loving God that is much smarter than people are really up there waiting to throw billions of us in to hell if we can't figure out what to believe in this life? As a loving God why create people if you already know the vast majority of them are going to end up burning in eternal torment? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. In fact it seems like that there is no love in that at all.
If anyone out there reads this please pray that I'll see the truth whatever that truth might be. Thank you.
I went to a bible study last night and found myself feeling completely out of place. I didn't buy into half of what they were saying and many times it just felt so unreal to me. I've always felt out of place around Christian people, but now its worse than ever before. Largely because I'm really not used to it anymore, but its always been a struggle for me. I don't like singing in public. I don't like sharing intimate details about myself in prayer circles. I don't like holding hands with strangers. I'm already uncomfortable enough around people in general to be honest.
And now the worse part is I can't get any peace in my heart about God anymore or my own salvation. I fear that I have developed what the bible calls a "reprobate" mind. I'm too cynical and find too much wrong with religion to be able to shut down my own mind. It won't allow me to just overlook my own questions anymore. I can't get around the idea of eternal torture for those who won't accept Christ.
In fact I'm not sure I even believe in hell anymore honestly. And the part of me that does still believe in hell fears that I'm going to go there for my unbelief.
I have never been able to not sin either. I went through years of the begging God for forgiveness then sinning then rinse and repeat until it just dawned on me that I can't not sin. What the bible calls sin is about as natural to human beings as brushing your teeth and using the bathroom. And so then my own christianity just becomes this battle of not sinning and sinning and I become entangled in this guilt ridden never ending cycle that makes me feel like a horrible person all the time. The bible commands you to be perfect and holy and walk in righteousness and quite honestly I don't think there is anyone out there who really is even though they pretend to be. Its just a never ending cycle that makes me feel completely worthless.
Sorry for the book but I feel dangerously close to just branching out into my own views on God which would probably include a great deal of science and humanism, and leaving church and organized religion in the rear view mirror for good. Honestly that thought scares me to death, but the fact that anything to do with a loving God invokes such fear in my heart makes me wonder if I've ever known the real God at all. Is a loving God that is much smarter than people are really up there waiting to throw billions of us in to hell if we can't figure out what to believe in this life? As a loving God why create people if you already know the vast majority of them are going to end up burning in eternal torment? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. In fact it seems like that there is no love in that at all.
If anyone out there reads this please pray that I'll see the truth whatever that truth might be. Thank you.
