J
I'm really confused right now. I feel like I'm just bubbling under the surface and ready to explode, but no tears come because so much of my life requires me to button up tight and "be strong". The last few days I have been completely exhausted, like can't function exhausted. Confession: at work yesterday I did absolutely nothing productive (related to work). I just couldn't do anything.
My husband left me and is still saying he's filing. I don't really think he wants to, but I also don't think he's willing to trully own his junk. I am not claiming perfection. I have nagged. I have been angry though in more subtle ways. I have done everything for him for our whole marriage and much of our relationship. I have washed his clothes, licked his wounds, paid for everything, cooked, and cleaned. Yes, I am angry and resentful and bitter. I know I am and I'm pursuing my own healing in those areas. I've been trying to pack his stuff, but it's just not getting done. I found a poem he wrote today about how hard his life was and how he compared all his misery to a nagging wife. Unfortunately, I felt like I had no choice but to "nag". I tried EVERYTHING to get him to do something, anything: pick up his clothes, clean his car, take out the trash, get a job, take a shower, etc... and nothing got done until I broke down in tears about it.
I married my mother: cripplingly codependent, bloodsuckingly needy, depressed, compulsive, immature, passive-aggressive. Two weeks after everything happened with my husband, my mom started "begging" me to make her feel better. She feels like a horrible mother, a failure, guilt ridden, worthless, etc. Thus, she projects it on to me and is constantly telling me how I feel. I asked her to stop. I told her that is she feels like a horrible mother it's not my job to make her feel better and she needs to pursue healing with her friends... But like my husband, she wants me to lick her wounds, stroke her hair, and tell her that she was perfect. My mom assumes that any boundary is a slap in the face, distance, hatred... and thus rebells everytime I set one with her. After several messages telling me how horrible I am, she ended with a guilt trip. It took me 4 days of reinforcing boundaries with her for her to stop harrassing me.
I thought I'd call my brothers to see if they might be able to smooth some things over and talk a little sense into her, and both of them turned on me too. They told me I was the only daughter and it was now my job to take care of her. I have no problem loaning/giving her money, reminding her to take medication, etc... but my mom is 51! She is not a decreped old lady.
So at this point, my husband is still angry at me and pursuing divorce. My mom is angry and thinks that I'm disowning her. My brothers both think I'm the evil ungreatful only daughter. And I almost completely stopped speaking with my father a few months ago. I feel orphaned.
I have huge father and mother wounds. Because of this I've struggled with transference. I never really heard the term until last night. However, where is the line? Is it wrong of me to look to my pastor for fatherly advice? I am a fairly aware person. I know when I'm getting extreme in this. And I'm quick to back myself away. Do I always do it? No, but I feel like my relationship with my pastors is the Lord's demonstrative redemption in my life. Am I just deceived?
Just to be clear... I am not under the delusion that this man is my actual father, that I'm going to move in get a new chance to be raised.
My husband left me and is still saying he's filing. I don't really think he wants to, but I also don't think he's willing to trully own his junk. I am not claiming perfection. I have nagged. I have been angry though in more subtle ways. I have done everything for him for our whole marriage and much of our relationship. I have washed his clothes, licked his wounds, paid for everything, cooked, and cleaned. Yes, I am angry and resentful and bitter. I know I am and I'm pursuing my own healing in those areas. I've been trying to pack his stuff, but it's just not getting done. I found a poem he wrote today about how hard his life was and how he compared all his misery to a nagging wife. Unfortunately, I felt like I had no choice but to "nag". I tried EVERYTHING to get him to do something, anything: pick up his clothes, clean his car, take out the trash, get a job, take a shower, etc... and nothing got done until I broke down in tears about it.
I married my mother: cripplingly codependent, bloodsuckingly needy, depressed, compulsive, immature, passive-aggressive. Two weeks after everything happened with my husband, my mom started "begging" me to make her feel better. She feels like a horrible mother, a failure, guilt ridden, worthless, etc. Thus, she projects it on to me and is constantly telling me how I feel. I asked her to stop. I told her that is she feels like a horrible mother it's not my job to make her feel better and she needs to pursue healing with her friends... But like my husband, she wants me to lick her wounds, stroke her hair, and tell her that she was perfect. My mom assumes that any boundary is a slap in the face, distance, hatred... and thus rebells everytime I set one with her. After several messages telling me how horrible I am, she ended with a guilt trip. It took me 4 days of reinforcing boundaries with her for her to stop harrassing me.
I thought I'd call my brothers to see if they might be able to smooth some things over and talk a little sense into her, and both of them turned on me too. They told me I was the only daughter and it was now my job to take care of her. I have no problem loaning/giving her money, reminding her to take medication, etc... but my mom is 51! She is not a decreped old lady.
So at this point, my husband is still angry at me and pursuing divorce. My mom is angry and thinks that I'm disowning her. My brothers both think I'm the evil ungreatful only daughter. And I almost completely stopped speaking with my father a few months ago. I feel orphaned.
I have huge father and mother wounds. Because of this I've struggled with transference. I never really heard the term until last night. However, where is the line? Is it wrong of me to look to my pastor for fatherly advice? I am a fairly aware person. I know when I'm getting extreme in this. And I'm quick to back myself away. Do I always do it? No, but I feel like my relationship with my pastors is the Lord's demonstrative redemption in my life. Am I just deceived?
Just to be clear... I am not under the delusion that this man is my actual father, that I'm going to move in get a new chance to be raised.
