I am going insane.. I have surrounded myself with people who are follower's of Christ. I pray, i go to youth group, i read my bible, i help others, but i keep getting worse. i don't know what i'm doing anymore, i have never felt this far away from God. I am sick to my stomach right now and i feel awful. i don't know what to do, and i don't know if anyone can help me...
I know how you feel, I really do. Here is what helped me. I think it is an answer to exactly what you are feeling. Something I learned from A. W. Tozer but worded it my way when writing to someone else. I wrote if for a Sunday school class so just keep that in mind:
Some people honestly try to become more intimate with Jesus so they take many Bible studies, join Christian activities, go to Church multiple times a week, read scripture and devotionals every day, even witness to many people but in the end, many still feel far from God or some may deceive themselves and think they are fine when they are not. There are two things we need individually and worldwide in the churches – two things that will bring us humble satisfaction and continual yearning in Christ. Two things I definitely need in my life as well.
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[/FONT] Western churches are especially guilty of these two things. The first of the two things which we all need for an intimate and biblically right relationship with God is a high view of God. We suffer from a low and biblically wrong view of God. God has become so common to us that even the name “God” means little to some Christians anymore. God has become “the man upstairs”, “the good Lord”, “the old guy with the white beard”, “the one who sits up there in heaven and doesn’t care”, etc. The cross has become so common to us that it is now a fashion statement. The cross doesn’t bring conviction or joy to most people. God and Jesus have become so popular that “belief” in Him is normal and politically correct. Jesus was never politically correct (John 15:18-19).
Where is the reverence and fear (respect and actual holy fear) of God nowadays that the Christians in the Bible had? Where is it? I go to church, scan the faces of those in the pews and find indifference, impatience, attitudes, many elderly people probably coming to church just to make themselves feel better emotionally before they die (However, I find true worshipers too, then again, I don’t know people’s hearts so what do I know, still though). I must admit, I am guilty of some of this too. Oh where is the awe-struck fear, reverence, love, joy and trust in Almighty God nowadays that Elijah had when he met God,
“Woe is me, for I am ruined! I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips! For my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of Hosts.” Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the alter with tongs. He touched my mouth with it and said, “Behold this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin forgiven. Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!”(Isaiah 6:5-8)
Where is the reverence for Holy God that even the seraphim, those mighty angels, had for God that they even covered their face and feet with their wings (Isaiah 6:2)? Where is it in my life; where is it in your life? God is GOD, the creator of the universe and allows us to even be born even though He knew we would continuously sin against Him! How amazing is the mercy (not giving us something that we deserve, like instant death) and grace (giving us something we don’t deserve, like our very next breath)! Any yet we belittle God by making Him common and “popular”. Is scripture saying to stand in the aisles and whoop and holler, saying every reverent name for God? No. Is scripture saying to dress reverently, and slowly walk up the aisle with Bible in hand and look like the most reverent person in the world? No. God will lead you to worship in whatever way that pleases him. If you want to know if your view of God is right then compare your desire with Elijah’s. What was his response to God after such a humbling experience (which should be a daily experience for all Christians)? He obeyed, which leads up to the next point.
The second thing that we need to do is obey. Only through obedience do we prove that we love God and be able to grow in the knowledge of Him (Matthew 12:50, John 14:15 & 21-23, Proverbs 1:7). Lots of people look like they obey: they join every Christian organization under the sun, go to church multiple times, read scripture every day, etc. They look so obedient don’t they? But are they obedient in the heart? I looked like the perfect little Christian girl to the public (at least I think I did), but my heart was disobedient and dark which ultimately affected how I treated others. If you only obey God with your works and have not faith (belief in Jesus), what good are your works for your soul or even others (Revelation 3:1-3)? How can someone come to Christ when it is difficult to even see Christ in us? God said to “love the Lord your God with ALL (emphases added) your heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37).” Are we willing to give to God our greatest desires, whether we get them or not? The big question is: are we willing to make God our greatest desire, which he commanded above (notice when Isaiah made God his greatest desire, his obedience was enthusiastic)?
To summarize, we need to worship (which means we need a biblical view of God) and obey (Hebrews 13:15-16) and we need real, transparent fellowship where we devote ourselves to each other in Godly love. We must be able to go beyond formalities and rebuke (to express sharp, stern disapproval of; reprimand (dictionary.com)), reprove (to gently criticize or correct, or to strongly disapprove to (dictionary.com)), exhort (to urge, advise, or caution earnestly; admonish urgently, encourage greatly (dictionary.com)), with great patience and instruction (2 Timothy 4:2). Are we willing to do that with each other? Are we willing tell each other, “Hey, you’re habitually sinning. Repent.”(It’s more than that but you know what I mean)? Are we willing to bear each other’s burdens (our class is very good about doing the physical burdens; if spiritual burdens then it’s behind the scene, which is not bad)? Are we willing to pray for each other to live a Godly life? We all love our sin; admit it, we all do (I
really do sometimes.) That is also another reason why we need accountable fellowship. Jesus commanded us to fellowship with each other and it is a result of fellowship with God (1 John 1:6-7, Hebrews 10:25).
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Here is a prayer also by A. W. Tozer that has become a prayer for me as well:
O God, I have tasted Thy goodness and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune god, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
Amen
Sorry for it being so long but I hope it help!
The Holy Spirit works through the Word and also through relationships!
