help me to hurt

As with many others, I've spent my entire life pretending that nothing could hurt me. Depsite living through tremendous abuse: incest beginning in infancy, verbal and emotional abuse, physical abuse, and neglect. This, at the hands of both parents. The older I get the more I understand about how I did all that I could to survive and that includes complete disassociation.
Now I'm 27 years old and getting divorced from a hostile, verbally, emotionally, and physcially abusive narcissitic husband who has completely turned his back on God and has been in a psych hospital for almost 4 months. And I know now that I have to feel the pain in order to recover from it, ot else it will kill me. Years ago there was a one-legged man on the news. Remembering that story is the only way I can explain what I'm going through. That man was pinned under a tree. His leg was caught and he wasn't able to move. If he had stayed there avoiding the pain, he would have died. But, instead, he sawed off his own leg. He faced his pain instead of ignoring it and allowing it to kill him. He endured "momentary" pain in order to live.
I want to do that, but it's the most difficult task in the world to knowingly, with complete understanding, torture yourself. It's human nature to soothe pain. It's not natural to walk right in to a fire knowing you'll be in there a long time. You're skin will melt and you're vocal chords will turn to ashes. But it's what is necessary. God help me, but I just want to scream. I've been sawing away at my leg for about a year now, and I have no idea how deep I've cut. But it feels like it's bleeding more than ever.
And worse yet, I feel like I have to face the pain alone. I have no family I can depend on and my husband wants nothing to do with me. I live by myself in an apt I can barely afford. I've supported myself since I was 15 years old.
I have a big support system, but I don't know what I need. And if I don't know what I need, how can I ask for it. It's also the holiday season so everyone is busy with their family. The only family I've had for 9 years is in chaos and I feel like I need to try to separate myself from them a bit so that the transition for when my husband is out of the hospital isn't so awkward.

JESUS!!!!!

Jordache, I just started praying and typing it out. I understand what you are saying in my own way I think, having been through much too. If you would pray with me, it would be much appreciated.

Heavenly Father,

I lift up my country to You LORD. I lift up my President to You and ask for him to be saved and lead by Your wisdom. I lift up all of the 2012 candidates to You and ask for light to be shown in each life. That their motives would be exposed.

I pray that Your kingdom would be established in my nation, that Your will would be done here on Earth as it is in heaven. I pray for peace in my region and city. I pray that the way would be clear for people on the crossroads. Let them be not in confusion concerning following You, Lord Jesus, but, in clarity.

I pray for the people around the world that are calling out to You, that You would hear them and answer them quickly. Fight for us and give us strength unto the battle. Forgive the body of Christ for it's sins, but, discipline us too. Make the standard of perfect love, clear. I pray for love above all.

Don't let us be deceived and lead us not into temptation. Help us to pass the tests and let our faith pour out onto the nations as rivers of living water. Let there be peace in Israel and Jerusalem. Even though things are very difficult on the outside, let there be peace for those You are calling on the inside. Let all of their outside circumstances guide them to the knowledge that they can not do it, and that they are not good enough, without Christ.

Let the called find You Lord in an increasing peace that holds them together even in the darkest of circumstances. Increase our faith and lead us into doing the impossible, expressing Your kindness in power and love.

Draw the called away from sin and it's allure. Let all of the world and what it has to offer become dull and unsatisfying I pray. Send Your angels out to minister to the called. Help them to pray and give them mercy to be in Your presence when they pray. We need Your presence Lord. You are who changes us, we need to be around You more than the wicked. Draw near to us. Help us to draw near to You.

Don't let us dwell in double-mindedness. Don't let us be lukewarm. Take away our crutches and make us to stand. Discipline us and scourge us into submission because our souls and others depend on our obedience. Take my life and do what You want with it. I am here and willing to be made willing. I see that Your ways are the best, that You know what You are doing, I give up my life and present this body as a living sacrifice, holy, and acceptable to You. You said to Peter:

[FONT=Georgia, serif]Joh 21:18[/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif] [/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif]Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdedst thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry[/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif] [/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif]thee[/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif] [/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif]whither thou wouldest not.[/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif] [/FONT]



And I stand with Jordache and so many others that do not know how to get from point A to point B, but, want to. Wanting to walk into the fire, but, not knowing how. Wanting to take the next step of faith (whatever it may be), but, not able to because of a lifetime of training molding us into people that resist death. We are trained to be successful and wise to gain wealth to be happy... but, what the world says is successful and wise and happy does not agree with what God says. We are trained to do whatever it takes to accomplish our goals, even it if means stepping on others to get there.

The church has taught me that financial prosperity is a sign of being blessed by You. That the prosperous are listened to, the ones who pay the bills are listened to. Concerning this I do have a question, Lord. Would the prosperous still be prosperous if they have been through what I have been through? Would they still be alive?

You brought perspective to Joseph's brothers, Lord. I pray that You would bring perspective to the church. To me too if I need it. All I am asking is for You to hasten Your Word. Bring the mountains low and the valleys high I pray during my pilgrimage hear on Earth, as they were during Yours.

Isa 40:3 The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the LORD, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Isa 40:4 Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:
Isa 40:5 And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Don't worry about knowing what you need. Sometimes it takes some time to figure that out, but it will happen. Just do what you know for now and be patient until you start learning what the needs you have are.

My most loved scripture,
" and God Our Father will wipe away every tear from your eyes, there will be no more sorrow or pain."
Praying for you in Jesus.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

you don't need more people

you need to know in your hearts of hearts that you are never alone but always have God there who is never to busy to listen

if you pray to Him and call out to Him. He is near. Seek God and not the empty comforts of this world and people

but seek GOD and His comfort and His promises for even when the world is faithless, God is faithful.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=related [/video]

stop listening to the lies. God does not seek to toss you in the fire and hurt you. Love is not pain. Allow God to love you without forcing it to be painful. Why do you expect to have to sacrifice and cut off a leg to be loved by God?

Do you know what it means for Christ to die on the cross for the propiation of your sins?

Let go of the victim/matyr complex and learn to grow and become the person God means for you to be.

Jordache you are on my heart and in my prayers.
Let God's perfect Love drive out your fears.
Stay in prayer, claim his promises for your life!


2 Tim 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Phil 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Anandahya, it is necessary to place yourself in the pain and work through it in order to be healed from it. The process of healing is sitting before the cross in your pain. You have to hurt. Avoiding the pain, pretending like just because god is bigger it didnt hurt is denial and denial is a road leading far away from healing.

I am not telling you to deny pain or even to avoid it, but its not healthy to seek it out and enthrone it as if it is something noble and pious.

Many people who have been abused have mental strongholds that make them think that pain is a necessary part of life and associate pain with love.

You may or may not be one of those people. .....

Many people who have been abused as children will seek relationships with others who will cause them pain and abuse them because that is what they are use to and comfortable with.

From your own words you did this with your soon to be ex-husband and hopefully have learned from your mistakes and grown past this....

Yes God can free you from all that but not if you keep picking the scab just to see if you still bleed.

not if you allow yourself or others to wound you with their words and looks because of you low self esteem.

telling yourself that you don't think you meet their standards is not healthy. the only standard you should be concerned with is God's.

I may sound harsh but I was abused as a child and I found speaking bluntly to myself and others saves a lot of grief and prevents a pity party. I get sick of excuses either from myself or from others.

Put your past in you past and focus on your present and allow God to lead you into the future He intends for you to have.

anyways. hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Whatever pain you have or need to go through, Jesus has already felt the same pain. You're never alone.
I think that you're already healed 'cause of what Jesus did on that cross...

I really don't have any knowledge about what you're saying, though, and I can't relate, either, but I can bet that Jesus didn't feel any sort of happiness while on that cross.

My husband was not abusive ever until this year. I did seek out someone I could "help". Until the last year, my husband has been the gentle giant during the entire 7 years we've been together. I do not believe pain is necessary to life. I believe it's necessary to healing, but it doesn't have to be continuous. However, at this point in my life, it's definately there in the pain.
Jesus spoke everything in love. Especially with broken people who realized their brokeness, he was gentle. Speaking "bluntly" as you put it in many cases is not gentle or in love. Truth can be spoken like a stroke of the hair and an embrace, or it can be a slap in the face. I do not need to be shaken. I do not need a slap in the face. I am not having a pity party. I am in a confusing part of my life trying to see which way is up at times. If I'm down sometimes, that does not mean I see myself as a victim. It means simply that it's been a hard day. If you're getting sick of excuses as you say because of your own understanding of your past, then maybe you should pray for some compassion towards those who are "throwing a pity party". Jesus' ministry was about compassion... even towards the very people who hung him on a cross.
He didn't tell the woman at the well, "Yeah, you're right. You're a tramp. Go away." He lovingly allowed her sin to be revealed. He didn't label her or speak lowly of her. He had ultimate compassion. He didn't tell the man possessed with the legion of demons to go away and stop whining. He had compassion on the man and spoke gently to him. When God spoke to Job, he didn't belittle him for feeling pain and asking God why. He didn't label him weak or pitiful. He still knew who Job was.
Similar experiences do not qualify you to speak to every abuse situation. I have learned to speak to myself kindly because that is how the father speaks. He does not say, "Buck up, you wimp! Stop hurting." He says, "Let me help you up. let me hold you up. Let me show you meaning and purpose. Let me use your past for my glory. Let me walk you through the pain of abandoment, abuse and neglect. Let me hold you through that pain."
We are not called to forget our past. We are not asked to live pretending like there is nothing there. The past affects the present until you learn how it has and are able address those places. One cannot have the future God intends for them to have without dealing with the past. Shoving the past away is denial and it only causes more pain. The past plays a huge part in who you are today, and that doesn't change because you try and keep it in the past. I have lived 27 years not able to admit abuse.... I'm done with denial. My God can deal with my pain now, and He is not asking me to shove it in the past and stand on top of it as I have for my whole life.