Hi all
Due to the highly sensitive nature of what I am going to reveal, I'd really appreciate it if only women reply to this thread.
I have a deep dark secret that I've never shared with anyone except a therapist. While the therapist did help and gave me some unbiased insights, I believe God wants me to come to a place where I can share this with someone I deeply trust and care for. I've been ashamed and kept it all hidden for my entire life, and it's become to much for me to bear.
When I was 5, my biological father molested me. I have told trusted people in my life this. But due to the highly graphic nature of what happened, I've been reluctant to go any further with someone who is not a professional, because I'm afraid of their perception of me changing, and also of them being upset that I exposed them to something so disgusting that they can't deal with it. The only reasons I am saying this here is because I do honestly want to get to a place where I can talk to someone, and even if I receive harsh words none of y'all have met me so it won't really upset me. Moving on. Not only did he molest me but he did it on three separate occasions, and he forced me to touch him as well as touch myself. He also had me watch pornography during two of those occasions.
I was young, so I didn't understand that it was wrong, except on the third time it happened he hurt me. So naturally since it hurt I told my mother and she kicked him out and all that. I never told her the details or how many times it happened. To this day she just knows the one time and that he touched me inappropriately and made it hurt. Our relationship was never the same and I had this intuition inside me even as a child that I couldn't trust my mother even though I had no idea why (at the time). I will talk more about her later.
This brings me to what I am ashamed and disgusted by. He made me touch myself several times, and because I didn't know and because it felt good to me, I continued to do that to myself even after he was no longer around. I became addicted even though I had no idea what addiction was. It was what I used to soothe myself if I was scared or upset or had a bad dream. When I was 8, a boy at school told me about pornography and it was like a switch went off that I remembered looking at that with my father and I wanted to see more. I got caught once but was able to lie my way out of being punished, and I knew I had to be careful so I didn't look at porn again. Until I was 14.
When I turned 14, my older sister sat me down and told me that my father had molested her as well when my mother was pregnant with me; she was 10 at the time. I remember going numb and blocking anything else she was saying to me out, because I was overcome with anger and mistrust. Suddenly it made sense why I never felt like I could talk to or trust my mother. She stayed with my father and just sent my sisters to live with our grandparents, but didn't even think that he could do it to me?! What kind of logic is that? She pretty much offered me as a sacrifice because she knew he was capable of something like that, so how could I ever trust her or forgive her? I delved deep into my anger and hatred for her and became engulfed with masturbation and pornography because it made me "feel good". I was attending church at this point but I was angry at God as well for not only allowing this to happen but allowing my mother to stay with him and have it happen to me when she knew. I convinced myself that porn and masturbation were helping me and it was a release and at least I wasn't out having sex.
This continued until I was 18 I began to realize that I was enslaved to these things and not in control like I thought I was. But I told no one because of the shame and stigma around girls having problems with porn and masturbating. Girls "didn't struggle that way". I felt alone and I prayed for God to make the lust go away but I continued to give in. I would go months without doing it, and then something would trigger me and it was all I could think about and then immediately after I felt disgusting. This pattern has continued to this day.
I know I need to confide in someone, but I don't know who and I don't know how. It was hard just to type all of this, I don't even know how I'd verbalize it to someone. I want to experience true freedom and I know I won't be able to forgive my biological parents until I seek help. God has blessed me despite this disgusting sin and I want to be able to help others that might have this same issue and are too scared to ask for help because no one ever talks about it. I have been blessed with many other "moms" over the last year and I want to be able to tell one of them and I have an idea of which one I'd like to talk with. But I am still paralyzed with fear of losing her when she finds out who I really am. I am hoping by saying all of this to people on here it might make it a little easier.
Due to the highly sensitive nature of what I am going to reveal, I'd really appreciate it if only women reply to this thread.
I have a deep dark secret that I've never shared with anyone except a therapist. While the therapist did help and gave me some unbiased insights, I believe God wants me to come to a place where I can share this with someone I deeply trust and care for. I've been ashamed and kept it all hidden for my entire life, and it's become to much for me to bear.
When I was 5, my biological father molested me. I have told trusted people in my life this. But due to the highly graphic nature of what happened, I've been reluctant to go any further with someone who is not a professional, because I'm afraid of their perception of me changing, and also of them being upset that I exposed them to something so disgusting that they can't deal with it. The only reasons I am saying this here is because I do honestly want to get to a place where I can talk to someone, and even if I receive harsh words none of y'all have met me so it won't really upset me. Moving on. Not only did he molest me but he did it on three separate occasions, and he forced me to touch him as well as touch myself. He also had me watch pornography during two of those occasions.
I was young, so I didn't understand that it was wrong, except on the third time it happened he hurt me. So naturally since it hurt I told my mother and she kicked him out and all that. I never told her the details or how many times it happened. To this day she just knows the one time and that he touched me inappropriately and made it hurt. Our relationship was never the same and I had this intuition inside me even as a child that I couldn't trust my mother even though I had no idea why (at the time). I will talk more about her later.
This brings me to what I am ashamed and disgusted by. He made me touch myself several times, and because I didn't know and because it felt good to me, I continued to do that to myself even after he was no longer around. I became addicted even though I had no idea what addiction was. It was what I used to soothe myself if I was scared or upset or had a bad dream. When I was 8, a boy at school told me about pornography and it was like a switch went off that I remembered looking at that with my father and I wanted to see more. I got caught once but was able to lie my way out of being punished, and I knew I had to be careful so I didn't look at porn again. Until I was 14.
When I turned 14, my older sister sat me down and told me that my father had molested her as well when my mother was pregnant with me; she was 10 at the time. I remember going numb and blocking anything else she was saying to me out, because I was overcome with anger and mistrust. Suddenly it made sense why I never felt like I could talk to or trust my mother. She stayed with my father and just sent my sisters to live with our grandparents, but didn't even think that he could do it to me?! What kind of logic is that? She pretty much offered me as a sacrifice because she knew he was capable of something like that, so how could I ever trust her or forgive her? I delved deep into my anger and hatred for her and became engulfed with masturbation and pornography because it made me "feel good". I was attending church at this point but I was angry at God as well for not only allowing this to happen but allowing my mother to stay with him and have it happen to me when she knew. I convinced myself that porn and masturbation were helping me and it was a release and at least I wasn't out having sex.
This continued until I was 18 I began to realize that I was enslaved to these things and not in control like I thought I was. But I told no one because of the shame and stigma around girls having problems with porn and masturbating. Girls "didn't struggle that way". I felt alone and I prayed for God to make the lust go away but I continued to give in. I would go months without doing it, and then something would trigger me and it was all I could think about and then immediately after I felt disgusting. This pattern has continued to this day.
I know I need to confide in someone, but I don't know who and I don't know how. It was hard just to type all of this, I don't even know how I'd verbalize it to someone. I want to experience true freedom and I know I won't be able to forgive my biological parents until I seek help. God has blessed me despite this disgusting sin and I want to be able to help others that might have this same issue and are too scared to ask for help because no one ever talks about it. I have been blessed with many other "moms" over the last year and I want to be able to tell one of them and I have an idea of which one I'd like to talk with. But I am still paralyzed with fear of losing her when she finds out who I really am. I am hoping by saying all of this to people on here it might make it a little easier.
