I meltdown every year when my birthday is near. No matter how I try to distract myself or convince myself that it doesn't matter, somehow my body knows what time of years it is and gets all worked into a depression.
As far as I can tell it's something to do with how much I matter to others. I feel like if nothing happens, I'll be miserable, and if something happens, that will make me miserable too. Even writing about it now is making me cry.
I think it's because I feel like no one has ever bothered to try to know me enough to actually surprise me with something I'd actually like. Even when people have made an effort, I often feel like the things I like are so obvious, that it hurts that they do something else instead, like the message is that I'm not worth knowing or my interests don't count.
It feels so much deeper than that but I usually do my best not to think about it cos it just hurts so much. I had some break through last year by making an intentional effort to ask people for help to make my birthday special, but I did most of the work myself and feel a bit like I "borrowed" some friends to make one day of the year barable and now I don't have them anymore.
Anyway this year I happen to be working on some intensely difficult life-altering things that are going to make or break my livlihood and I just don't have time right now to acknowledge that it's my birthday in a few days.
My boyfriend casually asked if I want to do something this weekend and made a suggestion and maybe it will happen, maybe not... what he's suggesting would be tough to organize at short notice... he's got some intense stuff of his own going on. His dad has lung cancer and tomorrow he'll be picking him up from the hospital from a test to determine whether its operable.
So whatever. I try to "whatever" at this but I say it through tears. He tried to ask me why my birthday makes me cry but as soon as he got me thinking about it I was too upset to talk about it.
Please don't give me advice. Please please. Just don't. I just wanted to vent this somewhere actually.
Pray for me if you like.
As far as I can tell it's something to do with how much I matter to others. I feel like if nothing happens, I'll be miserable, and if something happens, that will make me miserable too. Even writing about it now is making me cry.
I think it's because I feel like no one has ever bothered to try to know me enough to actually surprise me with something I'd actually like. Even when people have made an effort, I often feel like the things I like are so obvious, that it hurts that they do something else instead, like the message is that I'm not worth knowing or my interests don't count.
It feels so much deeper than that but I usually do my best not to think about it cos it just hurts so much. I had some break through last year by making an intentional effort to ask people for help to make my birthday special, but I did most of the work myself and feel a bit like I "borrowed" some friends to make one day of the year barable and now I don't have them anymore.
Anyway this year I happen to be working on some intensely difficult life-altering things that are going to make or break my livlihood and I just don't have time right now to acknowledge that it's my birthday in a few days.
My boyfriend casually asked if I want to do something this weekend and made a suggestion and maybe it will happen, maybe not... what he's suggesting would be tough to organize at short notice... he's got some intense stuff of his own going on. His dad has lung cancer and tomorrow he'll be picking him up from the hospital from a test to determine whether its operable.
So whatever. I try to "whatever" at this but I say it through tears. He tried to ask me why my birthday makes me cry but as soon as he got me thinking about it I was too upset to talk about it.
Please don't give me advice. Please please. Just don't. I just wanted to vent this somewhere actually.
Pray for me if you like.
