Oh Jesus

Oh Jesus, oh Jesus... Come. Help. I can't solve this. I can't understand it. It will never make sense, but you transcend it all. Help me to see you and know you and feel you and experience YOU in this. Meet with me and lead me through the agony. Only you alone have the power to heal, to integrate, to change, renew, and redeem. Only you Jesus... My spirit is willing, but my flesh wants to curl up in a llittle ball and hide. I command my soul, as David did, to bless you Lord. I command my spirit, my mind, and my heart to believe your truth.
I know you are a deliverer, a healer, a redeemer, and friend. I cannot fathom how you can do these things or what the outcome will be, but I trust that you are at work and will not cease until you plan has been accomplished.

I understand how you feel, i have said these things to jesus in my pain and hurt, in my misery and discouragement. This is an honest prayer from the heart which is worth more than a thousands prayers of thanks to him. Keep strong let us suffer for christ together:]

"Do not touch me
Turn your head
Close your eyes
And let me be


I know I'm worth what you want from me
But can you not just let me breathe
Can I strain one sigh of safety
Can I close my eyes one time without you hovering above me


Don't make me listen
Don't make me watch
Let me disappear into the sheets
Don't force me again


When will you be done with me
You've already hollowed out my soul
What more can there be left of me
A lifeless doll, you shattered my heart and took the best of me


Let me close my eyes
Let me float away
I just want to pretend
That I'm more than your lies


You lift me
You speak sweet
And dirty words
You wipe a tear from my cheek
And ignore the wounds you've inflicted
that have gnarled the life so deep


I wish that you'd just let me go
That you'd place someone new in your dream
what is it about me
That you chose to lock me away
For so long that no one hears when I scream or I pray


You do
And you make it a game
You imagine it's me asking for more and you strap me
Tighter while you have your way


Will you please just let me go
I'm tired, can I rest
Don't make me do any more please
Don't make me wait
Let walk away
And live the shame and the little life I have left
Please stop staring
Don't smile like that
Close your eyes, turn your head
And for once, let me get dressed


I'm cold and hollow
I can't perform anymore
Have you taken enough
Or will you take some more"


This is from some time ago... The very first time I was able to actually give voice to my inner child.

Holding you with a mothers arms in Jesus, Jordache.
Praying with you in agreement in Jesus's name.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

Jordache,

Thank you so much for posting that. That is just the way I feel.

No one knows how I feel. I just put on a smile as I have done for years, because I dont want people to see my pain.

and yes all I want to do is hide, and yes also I cant solve this own my own either. I give it to you LORD and take your yoke,

and wait for the peace the LORD promises.

GOD BLESS

I love you guys!

LOVE YOU ALSO

Hugs and prayers

Jordache, where did you get that name?

My nickname? My nickname is what my pastor calls me.

Jordy, if I may, I have been praying and meditating and thinking about your situation, and I'm always being brought back to your name. If I read your posts right you struggle with all kinds of sexual issues, from abuse to attractions. Isn't Jordache the name of a jeans company that caters to sexy butts? Strange how you would have such a moniker. ? Jesus asked the spirits what their names were, names often indicating power and authority. It lends credence to your idea of this being a spiritual affliction.

I would humbly suggest that maybe you need a new name, both here and at church, to give authority to another image more suited for you and God.

Do you mind sharing your real name (privately if you wish)?

I have no idea what the Jordache slogan means. To be honest, I chose it only my pastor has ever called me that, and the whole sex image is definitely not his intent. The only thing I know is Jordache jeans were the cheap ones sold at Walmart... And I'm not saying I'm cheap.
And Ricky, you know my real name. It is Jordi... Means down-flowing.

Jordache jeans were the high sexy fashion of the 70's and 80's (I had some) and yeah they're cheap also-rans today. I just feel that if you're trying to escape spiritually influenced sexual abuse and attention, you really shouldn't take the name of something that draws attention to body parts. Especially at church imagine that, even among the innocents. There are position and authority in names. I love the name Jordi, funny how I should use it; my humble advice is that you claim the rightful place and authority of Jordi in God's kingdom by taking her name and asking to being called by it.

What does your family call you?

Mostly they call me Jordi... But I've been called several nicknames though not always nice ones. If you're suggesting I go by their nicknames, that won't happen. Bad connotations.

Have things gotten better since you wrote this? I was feeling like this yesterday and the day before. The worst pain is the one that cannot be relieved by thoughts, words or reason. I will pray for you. Others prayed for me and it seemed to help a lot. God bless.

I'm good today. God is good. For the sake of sounding a bit psycho... I've been in therapy a long time so I knwo what drives these moods. First, I have a couple medical conditions that have a lot to with my emotional health. I could feel this way and on a physically healthy day be relatively functional. However, when my medical conditions are acting up then my bad days go from bad to completely hopeless. Psychology-wise, I've spent 2 year identifying the disintegrated parts of myself, parts that shut off do to early trauma, and also learning to integrate them. Part of integration involves giving the abused a voice to object. However, that is a very difficult and delicate process when the abused was pre-verbal as I was at the beginning of my abuse. That poem was actually the first time I was ever able to give voice to myself as a 1 yr old when some part of me knew something bad was going on but I couldn't really fight it much.
As an adult, I know Jesus is all those things I prayed. Unfortunately, as a child, I didn't know Jesus... and as a child the only words I have still are "please don't touch me." So this is my endeavor: to take that inner tiny me and somehow convince her that Jesus is safe because in her mind, no one is safe.

Wow you're dealing with all of that and yet you seem to be able to take very good care of yourself. That's amazing. I saw your other thread about the problems with strange men and I think maybe you are a strong target for the evil one because he sees what a powerful spirit you have and so he wants to destroy that and bring you down. I used to have strange things happen to me too especially when my prayer life was at its peak. I learned to ask the Lord for His protection everyday. It seemed to work.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that abuse, and the medical conditions to boot. I will pray for you. God bless.

Actually I was going the other direction. If possible you should be freed of any name/nickname that puts you under your family's authority, seeing how abusive they've been with it. I'm really not sure where this is leading or even if I'm on the right track but I'll keep praying over it and you.

Ricky, you are correct. That's precisely why I chose my nickname to be Jordache. My pastor is a man I great admire, whom I've held many an uncomfortable conversation with, who's share with me his wisdom, and had those talks with me that neither of my parents ever had with me. He has in a very real way been the one to raise me, and I find his nickname for me to be honoring. Or I could use the only other nickname he has for me: "mija". Yes, my Scottish 'Nam Vet pastor calls me mija.