My friend in Christ Jesus, Do I understand correctly that you are STILL going through trying to clear your name and endure being accused of a horrible, horrendous thing? I can't even imagine... And this child/children are ones that you dearly love? Unimaginable.
It hurts to know that your family and friends have not supported you through this unspeakable pain. You know of course that Jesus suffered alone, my friend. The night before his death, when not one of his disciples stayed awake to comfort him and they denied knowing him. You know this. You know then that Jesus experienced being accused unjustly and suffered alone so He knows full well what you are dealing with and so, the only One that truly matters has not, and will never abandon or desert you. He is incapable in His perfection. And, he is well acquainted with the pain you're experiencing. He's been there and then some, and then some more... almost all of his earthly existence.
My current husband told me he was a recovered alcoholic when we met. I would not drink in front of him in order not to tempt him, you know? Even though he would say that it was OK, I still would not do it. Now he has begun drinking again, and he defends this by telling me that he was wrong...that he was not an alcoholic before so he can drink. That it's OK.
That verse in Leviticus you sent was from God Almighty. It pierced me. Can God's correction of His daughter last for years? Yes, I believe it can and is! I left my first husband because there was no intimacy, and now, with my current husband, there is no intimacy! He prefers to pleasure himself. We have talked about this and he understands that he is sinning when he does this, and that he is making me go without but still taking care of his own desire, but he continues. But then the verse! I will not die without sex, my friend, that is the truth. It will not even weaken my immune system, going without. God would not make us that way...to have our bodies sicken and perish for lack of physical intimacy. He didn't make us that way. And that verse is comforting me today. My body is the Lord's, when all is said and done, first and foremost. Even though my husband knows that his body rightfully belongs to me and visa versa within the bonds of marriage, he has made the choice to do as he pleases. That is his choice. I must live with it.
Know, my friend in Christ Jesus, that I am praying for you today. Do you see how God has called you, especially with all the intense pain you have suffered and are still suffering? He loved Job and just look at what Job had to go through! Our little pea-sized brains could never conceive, in this life, how much Jesus loves us. He has called you, my brother, called you by name. You are His. You are His child. You are His.
You are loved beyond earthly measure, my brother, with a greater, more powerful love that can ever be attained on this earth. Keep that in mind.
Yes. I am still Enduring this most remarkable set of circumstances. I have over 600 pages of the most unbelievable story, and if it were not for this evidence, most of which is stored on Gmail servers, I would have been crushed. It is sheer hard evidence and clean living that has saved me! I have been molested and even disposed of by my parents at age 14, paid to be taken by the gay piano player at church . . . but this "thing" that I have Endured is vastly more painful. And yet my mind says, "That's ok. The more unbelievable it becomes, the more I'll be able to help others in the future (with a sharpened sense of reality). Considering the plethora of evidence I have, I am still awestruck each day, never having any idea that these kinds of things were happening to people in this country. The injustice is shocking.
You mentioned that the Lord has made me go through these circumstances. Isn't that incredible?! Have you ever thought of the Power required so as to causes all parties to act a specific way, just so that His Eternal Plan would be fulfilled? It is amazing! Think about it: All former friends and three full families will have nothing to do with me, though I love them all very much (forgiveness is not an issue at all - done). Think about the Power required to turn some 100+ people's minds and hearts against you. To see God Work in this way is truly a miracle that should be incredible enough to cause a person to believe in Him. I am not angry! I am not upset! I am honored to be touched by God in this way. I trust the Lord completely, and I believe that He can unharden anyone's Heart just as He can harden and unharden Peter's Heart . . . at least three times. So I am not bothered by what the Lord does . . . why should I? Do I know best? Or, is there a God greater than little me? We can question God, but we should never, never doubt Him. All things will be ok!!!
Before I continue to read your email, I should add that I know someone (the brother of the elderly man I've been watching over) who was captured in Vietnam and tortured for seven years. I will not describe what he experienced, but the torture was the REAL DEAL. We should be careful of our complaints when thinking of the brave men and women who have Endured such incredible evil.
Oh my goodness, AnnaMarie . . . Read what you have written to me above. Do you sound like a person that didn't want to live? You are as solid as a rock! You are incredibly level-headed, remarkably clear . . . extremely well-written. In fact, you Truly do have a gift in being able to properly build up and encourage those who are hurting.
If I were you, I might think of gently moving on, perhaps take some classes and further put yourself into a position of doing what you would really like to do . . . work with others, but also put yourself in a position of being independent should life come to that. My guess is, though, that this action, too, might assist to wake up your husband. I mean, it isn't unreasonable that a woman would begin to put herself into a position of independence if her husband is independently satisfying himself. I'd be saying, "It's ok if you enjoy your hand more than my body . . . it is. But that doesn't mean that I'm interested in competing with your hand. wink wink."
Seriously. You can say these things with a smile . . . leaving him shocked that you're no longer hurt and wounded like a little girl. Oh no . . . not AnnaMarie. Imagine how he would treat you if you were no longer hurt by his turning to himself for gratification? Meh . . . let him be. Let him know that you're ok with it . . . in fact, your body belongs to God . . . it's His and who are you to complain? Instead, you're thankful to have the amazing body that you have . . . oh, you are so grateful!
Confidence. That's what I was lacking. It was a lack of confidence that was taking my circumstances and converting them into painful, dramatic life events. Later, after realizing that I was lacking genuine confidence and began to convert my thinking into that "realm," I found more and more that the things that used to bother me, such as the thoughts of others, no longer bothered me at all. Truly, to this day, there is no one thought that any human alive could ever have of me that would cause me to feel wrong about myself. My self-worth does not depend on any human . . . that is a deadly road to travel. I mean it . . . if we don't learn to get over ourselves to the degree that we are afraid of the thoughts of others, we're doomed.
You mentioned how painful it is to lose an entire family. Yes, it is very painful . . . however, when a person is in that position, like Jonah within a whale, when you're Truly alone, you learn to Trust and Depend on God in ways never spoken. When you are homeless, living in your truck . . . and in any direction you turn there is nothing positive . . . it is Truly beautiful! When there is no one; absolutely no one, and you find that the only One left is God Himself . . . it is the most amazing feeling. And the things that a person instantly learns, and knows, is shocking. When a person Endures such a situation, the reward is incomparable . . . I cannot imagine not ever having the gifts that have been given me. And incredibly, to receive these gifts . . . pain is the vessel, the transporter.
Thank you for the prayers! You do really, really good work! Oh, and by the way, now that I see what you're capable of, I hope to see you lifting up others. The struggles that you've Endured and continue to Endure, these experiences render you to a status of Master. You're not stupid. Quite the opposite. And . . . you've got a remarkable thinker on top of your shoulders. If I were you, I wouldn't doubt yourself anymore. It's ok to question, for that's healthy thinking, but to doubt? No way . . . I hope you don't ever, ever do that again. Self-doubt is one of the Devil's most powerful tools. If that jerk can cause you to doubt yourself and your worth/value . . . wow, he's gotchya! That's why I don't play those games anymore. Think of Adam and Eve. What did they suffer from? Fear, shame, and guilt. I fight that evil like you wouldn't believe. So I don't play those games, but instead, I hold my head spiritually high. I know who I am, which is that I am a True Believer in Jesus Christ, the first to perform Heart surgery. And if I am a True Believer . . . why continue to think like the Devil?
Sorry for the delay . . . it's been rough and busy getting the elderly settled into his new assisted living facility. Incredibly, now that he's not here, he's taking even more of my time! How is that possible? haha
Believe in yourself. You can feel it when I say that I definitely believe in you. I have no doubts about you in the least. I think you're the healthiest person I've spoken to, here (so far - I'm still a newbie).
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