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One thing is clear. I will never prefer being hours lying in the bed bored with nothing to do to anything.

Yes, this is exactly why I prefer marriage over singledom ! When you are married to the right person there is a 50 of bad moments but another 50 of good moments ! When you are single, however, ALMOST EVERYTHING (minimum 90) are bad moments !

But what if, things still dont change for me ???

Im starting to think my alcoholism and existential problems are not only coming from loneliness, but also from the lack of indications that life will change for me if I change myself. And this is maybe why I struggle so hard with them and cant stop. If I could just have hope in a better future...

Yes, the problem is, WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN I SUCCESSFULLY CHANGE ???

Why are you trying to insert on me that wanting a girlfriend of God is like wanting a gold olympic medal ?

NO, Im NOT content with loneliness at all ! I want that girl, I want that girl !!! Atleast when I leave alcohol and become a better man !!!

Can I be sure ?

But why me, WHY FOR ME ??? WHY NOT FOR SOMEBODY WHO IS NOT A BELIEVER AND IS UNWILLING TO CHANGE INSTEAD ??? IM NOT THE WORST PERSON IN EARTH !!!

Even if I changed ? What do you even mean with "the experience" ?

Tell me please !!!

You said that marriage is not for everybody. Well, JUST EXACTLY AS SINGLEDOM IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY !!!

What ?

The problem is that even if I changed, I would likely still be struggling with loneliness !

BUT SINGLEDOM IS NOT FOR ME !!! IM NOT ONE OF THOSE WHO CAN LIVE SINGLE FOREVER !!! And what the ? Having a girlfriend or wife doesnt mean not going to having trouble !

I JUST CANT !!! SINGLEDOM IS NOT FOR ME !!! SOME PEOPLE MAY BE FINE SINGLE BUT I CANT !!!!!!!!!

This is why I want a good Christian girl !

AGAIN, the problem is NOT that I cant attract that girl ! The problem is that I cant even find that girl !

Yes, and what ??? I want the girl of my life !

What the ??? Why would I be unfaithful to her ???