First I should start out by saying that I've learn to be the 'Strong One' because of everything I've seen my sisters go through in life. Because of this, I've learn to keep people out by sarcasm and also by hiding behind my shyness. With that here's my story...
At ten years old my dad told my mom he wanted a divorce, he even had enough class to do it on their 13th wedding anniversary. Unlike, normal people this didn't bother me at all, they always fought, and I never really thought my dad loved my mom, the way she deserved. I made it very clear from the start that I wanted to live with my mom, even though I was a daddy's girl, I was too much like him, to want to live with him. Shortly after my mom and I moved out, my dad brought his girlfriend home, I can honestly say hating someone never crossed my mind, until I met this lady. This is when my dad's relationship and mine started to drift, she was blaming me for everything and my dad chose her over me, this was also the case with my sister. I never wanted to spend time with my dad, I was always at my mom's, sometimes I would only go to my dad's to sleep, so I was technically, visiting him. I was already starting to feel like my dad was choosing someone else over his kids! Struggle number two was my sister, she was one of the only people I was close to, and I didn't feel loved by her either. There were days she would hit me, shove me into counters, drag me out of the house by my hair, and lock me outside in the winter. She was mean and hateful just because she could be, and all I wanted was to spend time with her, and to feel important. She couldn't take my dad's new girlfriend, and decided to move out, my only allie for at my dad's house was gone! Soon my dad broke up with his girlfriend, good news right? Wrong. My dad drug me in and out of numerous relationships, I was the perfect daughter, when we were around his girlfriends, the apple of his eye no doubt, but when they weren't around he reminded me how I would never amount to anything, that I was worthless, and a waste of his time, I remember him telling me numerous of times how he never wanted kids, but he got stuck with them anyways. I would go to bed night after night hearing my mom cry herself to sleep, I would sit and wonder if I would ever see any of my sisters again. I hated life. I was ashamed of my family. My dad seemed to be adulterer of the year, I had one sister in an abusive relationship and she was doing drugs, and just basically ignoring her kids, I had a sister who had three kids she couldn't take care of, because she was sitting in prison for robbing bank, I had another sister who was a prostitute and a heroine addict. Depression was in my mind constantly, I remember sitting in church and just feeling condemned for my family, and again so ashamed, I never wanted to talk about my family!
One of my friends suggested I should go to youth group and at first I really didn't want to, and at this point my dad had a stroke, so my mom moved back in to help him recover. So I figured, even though I was shy and youth was one of the last places I wanted to be, it was better then being at home! I would have freedom from my dad, for two extra hours a week! I started talking to the youth pastor, and at some point started telling him about my family. Every week I would go and we would talk for an hour or two, he would just listen and then he would pray for me. I don't even know why I started to open up to him, I just felt like it would be safe to, and I think it's truly the only thing that saved me from suicide was I finally found someone to listen. I was starting to realize that God loved me, and cared for me, but it seems like just when we are at our high, something is there to knock us down again, and I found my downer. It's what we call family secrets.
I was in the car and my dad just flat out told me I had another sister that was 8 months younger than me! I couldn't believe it! I called him a liar, but then I looked at my mom, and her eyes didn't lie. How could he be so careless, how could he be so stupid, and unloving, and how could he be so selfish, I mean honestly, I couldn't even speak to him, my 'high' in life, just hit a plato, and was going down fast. One more story, one more shameful deed to add to the list. Life was yet again, no roses.
Yet, again I was in my youth pastor's office pouring out every emotion. I was getting so aggrivated, I was starting to believe that I had no purpose that I heard everyone talking about. Life was the pits, what was God's plan for me? To learn that I had a life of disappointments to look forward too? That I was not worthy of love? Why would I want that life plan? I didn't, but luckily for me, my youth pastor didn't give up on me, instead he challenged me, and I love a good challenge. So, I started reading the Bible, and to make sure I did, he would ask me about what I read and what I thought it meant, this helped a lot. I started growing and understanding that God loved me, people just make dumb choices. My youth pastor also started getting me involved in Student Leadership, I got to design the youth newseletter, and I just helped in anyway I could, I finally felt like I was doing something, I felt like I had a purpose, it was a small purpose, but I finally felt it. Youth is also where I found, that I love to serve others, grandted I come off as a sarcastic cynic, but serving people sets my heart on fire, it's one of the greatest feelings!
To sum this up, I've seen my share of disappointments, I've felt my share of shame, I've learn to trust again, I've learn to forgive, and I've learn that God's love is always there for me! With learning everything I have by all the lessons I've went through I've decided to become a school counselor. I think it would be a dishonor to God, if I didn't take all the pain and struggles, and turn them to good, by helping others.
<3 Laura
At ten years old my dad told my mom he wanted a divorce, he even had enough class to do it on their 13th wedding anniversary. Unlike, normal people this didn't bother me at all, they always fought, and I never really thought my dad loved my mom, the way she deserved. I made it very clear from the start that I wanted to live with my mom, even though I was a daddy's girl, I was too much like him, to want to live with him. Shortly after my mom and I moved out, my dad brought his girlfriend home, I can honestly say hating someone never crossed my mind, until I met this lady. This is when my dad's relationship and mine started to drift, she was blaming me for everything and my dad chose her over me, this was also the case with my sister. I never wanted to spend time with my dad, I was always at my mom's, sometimes I would only go to my dad's to sleep, so I was technically, visiting him. I was already starting to feel like my dad was choosing someone else over his kids! Struggle number two was my sister, she was one of the only people I was close to, and I didn't feel loved by her either. There were days she would hit me, shove me into counters, drag me out of the house by my hair, and lock me outside in the winter. She was mean and hateful just because she could be, and all I wanted was to spend time with her, and to feel important. She couldn't take my dad's new girlfriend, and decided to move out, my only allie for at my dad's house was gone! Soon my dad broke up with his girlfriend, good news right? Wrong. My dad drug me in and out of numerous relationships, I was the perfect daughter, when we were around his girlfriends, the apple of his eye no doubt, but when they weren't around he reminded me how I would never amount to anything, that I was worthless, and a waste of his time, I remember him telling me numerous of times how he never wanted kids, but he got stuck with them anyways. I would go to bed night after night hearing my mom cry herself to sleep, I would sit and wonder if I would ever see any of my sisters again. I hated life. I was ashamed of my family. My dad seemed to be adulterer of the year, I had one sister in an abusive relationship and she was doing drugs, and just basically ignoring her kids, I had a sister who had three kids she couldn't take care of, because she was sitting in prison for robbing bank, I had another sister who was a prostitute and a heroine addict. Depression was in my mind constantly, I remember sitting in church and just feeling condemned for my family, and again so ashamed, I never wanted to talk about my family!
One of my friends suggested I should go to youth group and at first I really didn't want to, and at this point my dad had a stroke, so my mom moved back in to help him recover. So I figured, even though I was shy and youth was one of the last places I wanted to be, it was better then being at home! I would have freedom from my dad, for two extra hours a week! I started talking to the youth pastor, and at some point started telling him about my family. Every week I would go and we would talk for an hour or two, he would just listen and then he would pray for me. I don't even know why I started to open up to him, I just felt like it would be safe to, and I think it's truly the only thing that saved me from suicide was I finally found someone to listen. I was starting to realize that God loved me, and cared for me, but it seems like just when we are at our high, something is there to knock us down again, and I found my downer. It's what we call family secrets.
I was in the car and my dad just flat out told me I had another sister that was 8 months younger than me! I couldn't believe it! I called him a liar, but then I looked at my mom, and her eyes didn't lie. How could he be so careless, how could he be so stupid, and unloving, and how could he be so selfish, I mean honestly, I couldn't even speak to him, my 'high' in life, just hit a plato, and was going down fast. One more story, one more shameful deed to add to the list. Life was yet again, no roses.
Yet, again I was in my youth pastor's office pouring out every emotion. I was getting so aggrivated, I was starting to believe that I had no purpose that I heard everyone talking about. Life was the pits, what was God's plan for me? To learn that I had a life of disappointments to look forward too? That I was not worthy of love? Why would I want that life plan? I didn't, but luckily for me, my youth pastor didn't give up on me, instead he challenged me, and I love a good challenge. So, I started reading the Bible, and to make sure I did, he would ask me about what I read and what I thought it meant, this helped a lot. I started growing and understanding that God loved me, people just make dumb choices. My youth pastor also started getting me involved in Student Leadership, I got to design the youth newseletter, and I just helped in anyway I could, I finally felt like I was doing something, I felt like I had a purpose, it was a small purpose, but I finally felt it. Youth is also where I found, that I love to serve others, grandted I come off as a sarcastic cynic, but serving people sets my heart on fire, it's one of the greatest feelings!
To sum this up, I've seen my share of disappointments, I've felt my share of shame, I've learn to trust again, I've learn to forgive, and I've learn that God's love is always there for me! With learning everything I have by all the lessons I've went through I've decided to become a school counselor. I think it would be a dishonor to God, if I didn't take all the pain and struggles, and turn them to good, by helping others.
<3 Laura
