B
So one of the things that I have always struggled with is opening up to people and being able to talk freely about things. In the midst of being so shy and scared I bottled things up sometimes leaving them to eat at me to the point of being unhealthy. I guess in order to best tell my story I need to start at the beginning.
It all started when I was eight years old. It was New years day and I was always mamas little girl. That morning we awoke to my mom not “feeling good” or so she said, and she asked for my brothers and me to go get her soup. Me being mama’s girl would not go with my brothers. So my brothers left and I was left home alone with my mom. Some time had passed and my mom got up to do what I thought was going to the bathroom, but in the midst of getting up she collapsed onto the floor on her chest. Me being only eight years old had thought she just wanted to sleep on the floor. Then all of a sudden the family dog duffer 2 began to bark and would not stop, and the phone began to ring with numerous people calling. I started to get scared and just hung up the phone on anyone that called, and then all of a sudden Amy my older sister called and I told her what happened, and she hung up and was on her way. Just after getting off the phone with Amy, my brother Shawn and Jeff got home. They called 911 and began CPR. The ambulance and my sister arrived at the same time and I was sent to the next door neighbor’s house to sit and wait for everyone to bring mom home. I sat at their front door and watching the lightening or this is how I remember it, and I sat and waited for them to come home. When they finally arrived Amy came and got me and took me back to the house...I looked around and everyone was there my brothers my sister and even my dad, but no mom. Amy pulled my into my mom’s room and told me that she had died. Still to this day I do not remember what happened over the next few days. I remember the night before her funeral standing outside with my dad and him telling me that the brightest star in the sky was my mom and that she was there for me whenever I need her. I also remember the next day her funeral...I received a Barbie from my cusion it was an angel Barbie, and after this I remember the big room where they took everyone at the cemetery and the dinner at the eagles club later and that was it. After my mom’s death I moved in with my sister to finish school and I began to get wiser and discover things like god. I began to say that I hated god because he took my mom away from me. Shortly after finishing school that year I moved in with my dad. I lived with my dad for a year and in this time I lived at the bar and knew more about alcohol then any normal kid should. My dad is an alcohol and a pathological liar. The next summer I went to visit my sister up north and ended up moving in with her at the end of the summer. I started going to Gaylord schools. I hadn’t thought much about god or anything like that until I got into high school. I had a few friends that were Christians and would ask me to church and I would say no because I hated god he took my mom from me. But one night this friend of mine her name was Amanda invited me to church and I gave my usual answer and she said wait there will be pizza and it’s not like normal church and its fun and cool. Well for starters I said yes because it wasn’t supposed to be church yeah right she lied. It was testimony night for the youth leaders, and one woman told us about her alcoholic husband and how he abused her and she had gotten to know god and he took all that hurt away. It hit home with me and I cried for what seemed like hours. The following week it was November 9th 2006 I gave my life to the lord. I started getting really involved in the church and was so plugged in, and even began to sing on the worship team. Everything in my life seemed to be going great and I was truly happy and fulfilled for the first time. Then at the end of my tenth grade year we moved away from all my friends and away from my church. I was still able to go to church because a family lived near where we moved to. But I met this guy at a church I went to a few times, and we began dating. I had thought he was a strong Christian but was terribly wrong. I dated him for a year and 4 months. I fell very very far away from god and became consumed with him and everything in my life revolved around him. I began to hate my family and had almost no friends, but none of that matter I had him and I thought that was all I needed. I became sexually active with him and things got very intense to the point that we as 17 year olds talked about marriage and kids, and about being together forever. I thought I was on top of the world we spent the summer together being at each other’s house for weeks at a time (forgot I moved again). Then just before school started up again I found out about the girl he had met in drivers training and began to see the lies everyone had been telling me about before him and I even started dating. I hadn’t known at the time but he lied just as much as my dad and was what I needed in my life at all. On October 2nd of my senior year I finally broke up with him, but this wasn’t ok. I started dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide. Before I had cut myself a few times thought-out high school but this was serious I had thoughts of planning out how I was going to go I had even gotten to the point of writing notes to people in my family saying good bye. Most of my senior year needless to say was hell. I forgot to mention because we moved again I would have either had to find someone to stay with or switch schools. I ended up staying with the Lutz family an amazing family I knew from church and even considered Mary the mom of the family my god brought mom that I needed. They were amazing. In the midst of me being suicidal no one knew I hadn’t shown any signs and I have always been a very good actress and hid it very well. One night we went to youth group as I had to every Wednesday night as part of living with the Lutz family. I sat in with Mary and watch a group of people practice a skit for the following Sunday which was youth Sunday. The skit was done to a song called everything and in this skit the girl deals with sex addiction subside and a few other things. I was dealing with thoughts of suicide and this totally hit my like a ton of bricks. I began to cry and could not stop. I went into the nursery and sat by myself and finally broke down and told Mary what was going on. After this night I was finally on track with god or atleast I thought I was. Things were going so good, but over the summer I fell away from church and when I arrived at LSSU I found a hook up buddy I guess you could call it, I didn’t go as far as to having sex with a basic stranger but I was consumed in desires of the flesh. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I needed the fulfillment of god and wouldn’t go to church to get it so I tried to find it in world ways. Eventually I had an assignment for the compass to write an article on anchor house as group of the week. So I finally broke down and went to anchor house, and spent every day after that focusing on God and making sure my path was directed towards him. I left school in the spring not excited about leaving but ready for what God had in store for me. I knew I was going to be doing ministry all summer at Cedar Point and was excited to spend my summer dedicated to him. I got to training in Columbus Ohio for MTTP (Ministry to the point) and was pumped for what God had in store for me during the summer months. Little did I know his plan was way different than I had expected. I went through the week of training and was wrecked completely by God. I was realizing things I had never been able to see until I was with people I wasn’t so close to and was really focusing on God. So I went through training and the first week at Cedar Point and this is my story there…it explains a lot about what I am going to talk about after this. Well, You might be wondering why I am writing all of you. During retreat this weekend I realized there was one general question coming from most of you that I talked to and that question was "What happened this summer, how are you, and do you still think you were supposed to leave?" I figured I would write you all and share the answers to these questions and share what GOD has been doing in my life, since I left cedar point.
I stand firm in my decision to go home this summer. When I left I was not entirely sure why I was leaving other then I felt like cedar point was not where I was supposed to be, and I needed to be home. I started feeling like this the night of training when we shared our testimonies and has group time. Talking with my group and really sharing my testimony for the first time really gave me a new perspective on alot of things as well as helped me to realize something’s in my life that I was not facing and letting GOD heal me in. Talking with Billy later that night only more reaffirmed the fact that I was not okay, and I needed to let GOD heal the broken places in my heart. I started feeling an urge to go home starting that night, but ignored it and only began to think that it was fear.
Once we got to cedar point, I only began feeling worse. I loved my job the few days I worked it and I loved being around all of you and the little bit of ministry I was a part of. But I knew I needed to go home, and if I didn’t then the things that we're broken inside me we're not going to get any better...so I left.
Once I left I'm not going to lie I didn't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. I spent a good majority of the summer wrestling with GOD on why I was home, why I listened and came home, and what my purpose was going to be all summer. About 3/4 of the way through the summer I went to STP. During STP is when things for me really got put into perspective. Friday morning we did an activity that really broke me. I was crying and trying to figure out what the heck GOD wanted me to get out of this experience besides irritation. But then I began to remember the Nooma Video Rain (atleast I think its called Rain)...where Rob Bell is carrying his son through a storm and the one line I kept repeating is "keeping going we are going to make it"....Right then not only did STP click as to why I was there but my entire summer came into a new light that I had been missing the entire time. I went home and did just that kept going, kept working, kept building. I worked on a relationship with my sister and began sharing things with her and talking to her about things I'd never been able to. I realized that talking to her is the reason why I was home, reconnecting with her and learning something’s that I was afraid to even talk to GOD about was the reason I was home. I realized that the things holding me back we're the things that GOD places in our lives so perfectly...our families. My mom's death, the disconnect with every member of my family is what was holding me back and keeping me from being the woman GOD created me to be. Shortly after realizing this the summer ended and I was headed back to school again...
Being back at school has been HARDCORE...for me so far. I started off the semester by telling Scott Crary that I wanted to work through my mom’s death so I can move past it and better equip myself to tell my testimony to help my family, and better serve the GOD I love so deeply. So I am now in counseling. I go every week and out of the few times I've been so far, I’ve found such freedom, and am remembering things I haven't been able to since my mom died, I'm talking about things I've never been able to think about, and I'm being more open with everyone around me in admitting that I'm not Briana the rock, I'm Briana the broken Child that loves GOD and needs her brothers and sisters. I can't do it alone and was silly for ever thinking I could. I am on a long road to finding who I am as the me I was intended to be, and am enjoying the freedom GOD is showing me so far. So I am still struggling to find the me that I was intended to be. This new found freedom from God has given me such a voice and such a renewing of mind and spirit. I have decided I’m transferring schools in the fall. I am transferring to Kuyper College in Grand Rapids. I am going to go into youth ministry. I want to help the kids that are now in positions like I was. I want to be able to give back to the God that has given me so much.
I pray anyone reading this takes it as a showing of how beautiful our God is and how much he LOVES US! He created us all to be beautiful and does NOT want his children to suffer. Trust in God and I hope this testimony shows how much he loves us through every storm and every struggle..He LOVES US!
It all started when I was eight years old. It was New years day and I was always mamas little girl. That morning we awoke to my mom not “feeling good” or so she said, and she asked for my brothers and me to go get her soup. Me being mama’s girl would not go with my brothers. So my brothers left and I was left home alone with my mom. Some time had passed and my mom got up to do what I thought was going to the bathroom, but in the midst of getting up she collapsed onto the floor on her chest. Me being only eight years old had thought she just wanted to sleep on the floor. Then all of a sudden the family dog duffer 2 began to bark and would not stop, and the phone began to ring with numerous people calling. I started to get scared and just hung up the phone on anyone that called, and then all of a sudden Amy my older sister called and I told her what happened, and she hung up and was on her way. Just after getting off the phone with Amy, my brother Shawn and Jeff got home. They called 911 and began CPR. The ambulance and my sister arrived at the same time and I was sent to the next door neighbor’s house to sit and wait for everyone to bring mom home. I sat at their front door and watching the lightening or this is how I remember it, and I sat and waited for them to come home. When they finally arrived Amy came and got me and took me back to the house...I looked around and everyone was there my brothers my sister and even my dad, but no mom. Amy pulled my into my mom’s room and told me that she had died. Still to this day I do not remember what happened over the next few days. I remember the night before her funeral standing outside with my dad and him telling me that the brightest star in the sky was my mom and that she was there for me whenever I need her. I also remember the next day her funeral...I received a Barbie from my cusion it was an angel Barbie, and after this I remember the big room where they took everyone at the cemetery and the dinner at the eagles club later and that was it. After my mom’s death I moved in with my sister to finish school and I began to get wiser and discover things like god. I began to say that I hated god because he took my mom away from me. Shortly after finishing school that year I moved in with my dad. I lived with my dad for a year and in this time I lived at the bar and knew more about alcohol then any normal kid should. My dad is an alcohol and a pathological liar. The next summer I went to visit my sister up north and ended up moving in with her at the end of the summer. I started going to Gaylord schools. I hadn’t thought much about god or anything like that until I got into high school. I had a few friends that were Christians and would ask me to church and I would say no because I hated god he took my mom from me. But one night this friend of mine her name was Amanda invited me to church and I gave my usual answer and she said wait there will be pizza and it’s not like normal church and its fun and cool. Well for starters I said yes because it wasn’t supposed to be church yeah right she lied. It was testimony night for the youth leaders, and one woman told us about her alcoholic husband and how he abused her and she had gotten to know god and he took all that hurt away. It hit home with me and I cried for what seemed like hours. The following week it was November 9th 2006 I gave my life to the lord. I started getting really involved in the church and was so plugged in, and even began to sing on the worship team. Everything in my life seemed to be going great and I was truly happy and fulfilled for the first time. Then at the end of my tenth grade year we moved away from all my friends and away from my church. I was still able to go to church because a family lived near where we moved to. But I met this guy at a church I went to a few times, and we began dating. I had thought he was a strong Christian but was terribly wrong. I dated him for a year and 4 months. I fell very very far away from god and became consumed with him and everything in my life revolved around him. I began to hate my family and had almost no friends, but none of that matter I had him and I thought that was all I needed. I became sexually active with him and things got very intense to the point that we as 17 year olds talked about marriage and kids, and about being together forever. I thought I was on top of the world we spent the summer together being at each other’s house for weeks at a time (forgot I moved again). Then just before school started up again I found out about the girl he had met in drivers training and began to see the lies everyone had been telling me about before him and I even started dating. I hadn’t known at the time but he lied just as much as my dad and was what I needed in my life at all. On October 2nd of my senior year I finally broke up with him, but this wasn’t ok. I started dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide. Before I had cut myself a few times thought-out high school but this was serious I had thoughts of planning out how I was going to go I had even gotten to the point of writing notes to people in my family saying good bye. Most of my senior year needless to say was hell. I forgot to mention because we moved again I would have either had to find someone to stay with or switch schools. I ended up staying with the Lutz family an amazing family I knew from church and even considered Mary the mom of the family my god brought mom that I needed. They were amazing. In the midst of me being suicidal no one knew I hadn’t shown any signs and I have always been a very good actress and hid it very well. One night we went to youth group as I had to every Wednesday night as part of living with the Lutz family. I sat in with Mary and watch a group of people practice a skit for the following Sunday which was youth Sunday. The skit was done to a song called everything and in this skit the girl deals with sex addiction subside and a few other things. I was dealing with thoughts of suicide and this totally hit my like a ton of bricks. I began to cry and could not stop. I went into the nursery and sat by myself and finally broke down and told Mary what was going on. After this night I was finally on track with god or atleast I thought I was. Things were going so good, but over the summer I fell away from church and when I arrived at LSSU I found a hook up buddy I guess you could call it, I didn’t go as far as to having sex with a basic stranger but I was consumed in desires of the flesh. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I needed the fulfillment of god and wouldn’t go to church to get it so I tried to find it in world ways. Eventually I had an assignment for the compass to write an article on anchor house as group of the week. So I finally broke down and went to anchor house, and spent every day after that focusing on God and making sure my path was directed towards him. I left school in the spring not excited about leaving but ready for what God had in store for me. I knew I was going to be doing ministry all summer at Cedar Point and was excited to spend my summer dedicated to him. I got to training in Columbus Ohio for MTTP (Ministry to the point) and was pumped for what God had in store for me during the summer months. Little did I know his plan was way different than I had expected. I went through the week of training and was wrecked completely by God. I was realizing things I had never been able to see until I was with people I wasn’t so close to and was really focusing on God. So I went through training and the first week at Cedar Point and this is my story there…it explains a lot about what I am going to talk about after this. Well, You might be wondering why I am writing all of you. During retreat this weekend I realized there was one general question coming from most of you that I talked to and that question was "What happened this summer, how are you, and do you still think you were supposed to leave?" I figured I would write you all and share the answers to these questions and share what GOD has been doing in my life, since I left cedar point.
I stand firm in my decision to go home this summer. When I left I was not entirely sure why I was leaving other then I felt like cedar point was not where I was supposed to be, and I needed to be home. I started feeling like this the night of training when we shared our testimonies and has group time. Talking with my group and really sharing my testimony for the first time really gave me a new perspective on alot of things as well as helped me to realize something’s in my life that I was not facing and letting GOD heal me in. Talking with Billy later that night only more reaffirmed the fact that I was not okay, and I needed to let GOD heal the broken places in my heart. I started feeling an urge to go home starting that night, but ignored it and only began to think that it was fear.
Once we got to cedar point, I only began feeling worse. I loved my job the few days I worked it and I loved being around all of you and the little bit of ministry I was a part of. But I knew I needed to go home, and if I didn’t then the things that we're broken inside me we're not going to get any better...so I left.
Once I left I'm not going to lie I didn't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. I spent a good majority of the summer wrestling with GOD on why I was home, why I listened and came home, and what my purpose was going to be all summer. About 3/4 of the way through the summer I went to STP. During STP is when things for me really got put into perspective. Friday morning we did an activity that really broke me. I was crying and trying to figure out what the heck GOD wanted me to get out of this experience besides irritation. But then I began to remember the Nooma Video Rain (atleast I think its called Rain)...where Rob Bell is carrying his son through a storm and the one line I kept repeating is "keeping going we are going to make it"....Right then not only did STP click as to why I was there but my entire summer came into a new light that I had been missing the entire time. I went home and did just that kept going, kept working, kept building. I worked on a relationship with my sister and began sharing things with her and talking to her about things I'd never been able to. I realized that talking to her is the reason why I was home, reconnecting with her and learning something’s that I was afraid to even talk to GOD about was the reason I was home. I realized that the things holding me back we're the things that GOD places in our lives so perfectly...our families. My mom's death, the disconnect with every member of my family is what was holding me back and keeping me from being the woman GOD created me to be. Shortly after realizing this the summer ended and I was headed back to school again...
Being back at school has been HARDCORE...for me so far. I started off the semester by telling Scott Crary that I wanted to work through my mom’s death so I can move past it and better equip myself to tell my testimony to help my family, and better serve the GOD I love so deeply. So I am now in counseling. I go every week and out of the few times I've been so far, I’ve found such freedom, and am remembering things I haven't been able to since my mom died, I'm talking about things I've never been able to think about, and I'm being more open with everyone around me in admitting that I'm not Briana the rock, I'm Briana the broken Child that loves GOD and needs her brothers and sisters. I can't do it alone and was silly for ever thinking I could. I am on a long road to finding who I am as the me I was intended to be, and am enjoying the freedom GOD is showing me so far. So I am still struggling to find the me that I was intended to be. This new found freedom from God has given me such a voice and such a renewing of mind and spirit. I have decided I’m transferring schools in the fall. I am transferring to Kuyper College in Grand Rapids. I am going to go into youth ministry. I want to help the kids that are now in positions like I was. I want to be able to give back to the God that has given me so much.
I pray anyone reading this takes it as a showing of how beautiful our God is and how much he LOVES US! He created us all to be beautiful and does NOT want his children to suffer. Trust in God and I hope this testimony shows how much he loves us through every storm and every struggle..He LOVES US!
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