S
I have a story... just like everyone. And not one I am completely ready to tell. But I do have a testimony on this new journey I have found myself on. I have smoked for close to 16 years now. I took a short break when I was pregnant with my son, but shortly after his birth I was back on the train. I have always had doubts about God and His existance, and have pretty much lived the last 16 years of my life by my own rules, which were pretty much nonexistant.
I recently found myself at rock bottom... again. And this time, I just knew I had to do something different. My way was obviously not working, and as fun as it was to be me and live my wild and crazy life, I always ended up flat on my face in the end. And I somehow knew that if I contiinued on the path I had been on for so many years, that's exactly where I would find myself... my final end.
So with nothing to lose, I found my way to a church, walked into the pastors office and with brutal honesty I laid it all out, and begged for help. I started this process of getting my life on track. I am stubborn, I question everything, I need all the answers, but I am also determined to find them. And as I searched God's word, I began to find the answers to so many of my questions.
I made up my mind to quit smoking. I was being baptized and I knew that I had to make some decisions to walk away from things I knew were not pleasing to God, if I was going to make this journey actually mean something. And I want it to mean something, because otherwise it would be just a game and a complete waste of time. I came to this looking for something that would change my life, something that would literally save me. So when you are talking about the value of your life, nothing less than everything is what I knew I had to be willing to give. I smoked my last cigarette ten minutes before I was to be at the church for the baptism. I figured that when I came out of the water clean, I should make a fresh start. No better time than this to leave behind the old things. As the next day progressed, and the afternoon wore on, I was extremely irritated. I knew I could expect some discomfort after having smoked for nearly 16 years. Even my Dad told me lovingly, "Don't beat yourself up if you cave. It will take time." But the need for a cigarette was constantly on my mind, I was anxious, irritated and extremely impatient. I snapped at the neighbors kids and I thought just maybe I could bum one smoke from the neighbor just to get me through. I was strong and steadfast though, refusing to give in because my mind was made up! Typical of me in that I always have that "tough it out" mentality. "Be stong! Never back down! Never give in!" Those have been my personal rally cries in every crisis in my life. I can do it, all it takes is determination and just being strong enough. I was proud of every minute that I refused to buckle, yet I felt miserably unhappy. I finally said, this is rediculous! And instead of running to the store to grab a pack of cigarettes to keep on hand for "just in case" (which is really what I didn't want to do, yet really wanted to do), I prayed.
My prayer went something like... "Okay, God. You know I am trying to do the right thing here. I really want to do this. I NEED to do this. And I am really trying. But this is hard! I don't like feeling this way, and I am being impatient with the kids and I'm agitated. I am not asking for anything rediculous or selfish, but I could really use a little help here. Just take away the cravings for a while. Help this not to consume my mind so much and give me some peace to be able to manage this challenge. I know I can do this, but I could just use a little help. Please?"
When I finished the prayer I sat there for a few seconds and I didn't feel anything. Nothing, zip, zilch... I felt nothing at all. I am not embellishing the story when I tell you that IMMEDIATELY I felt no craving, no desire at all, and the thoughts that had literally consumed my mind for hours subsided and I just felt peaceful.
The next day, the thought of smoking only entered my mind a few times, and I immediately put it away. I had no cravings at all. I did not feel agitated or irritated in the least and I just had a sense that if I did choose to smoke it would be a horrible experience. It's been nearly a week now and I have no desire at all to smoke. I am completely done with it and have intention or desire to every do it again!
I realized something from that experience. So many times we are facing a challenge or trial and we find ourself in an extrememly uncomfortable situation. We complain about it. We fret over it. We wonder why on earth would God let me go through this, knowing I am trying to do the right thing? Why doesn't he step in and fix it, or make it easier, or at least CARE? But the realization is, while we have been focused on the problem, on the struggle, on why we don't feel the peace of God or a helping hand, we haven't actually asked Him for help! And the moment we actually open our mouths and with an honest heart ask Him for help, He will extend His hand and give us what we need.
What an exciting prospect to know I no longer have to just "tough it out" on my own. There really is someone who can and will help me in time of need!
I recently found myself at rock bottom... again. And this time, I just knew I had to do something different. My way was obviously not working, and as fun as it was to be me and live my wild and crazy life, I always ended up flat on my face in the end. And I somehow knew that if I contiinued on the path I had been on for so many years, that's exactly where I would find myself... my final end.
So with nothing to lose, I found my way to a church, walked into the pastors office and with brutal honesty I laid it all out, and begged for help. I started this process of getting my life on track. I am stubborn, I question everything, I need all the answers, but I am also determined to find them. And as I searched God's word, I began to find the answers to so many of my questions.
I made up my mind to quit smoking. I was being baptized and I knew that I had to make some decisions to walk away from things I knew were not pleasing to God, if I was going to make this journey actually mean something. And I want it to mean something, because otherwise it would be just a game and a complete waste of time. I came to this looking for something that would change my life, something that would literally save me. So when you are talking about the value of your life, nothing less than everything is what I knew I had to be willing to give. I smoked my last cigarette ten minutes before I was to be at the church for the baptism. I figured that when I came out of the water clean, I should make a fresh start. No better time than this to leave behind the old things. As the next day progressed, and the afternoon wore on, I was extremely irritated. I knew I could expect some discomfort after having smoked for nearly 16 years. Even my Dad told me lovingly, "Don't beat yourself up if you cave. It will take time." But the need for a cigarette was constantly on my mind, I was anxious, irritated and extremely impatient. I snapped at the neighbors kids and I thought just maybe I could bum one smoke from the neighbor just to get me through. I was strong and steadfast though, refusing to give in because my mind was made up! Typical of me in that I always have that "tough it out" mentality. "Be stong! Never back down! Never give in!" Those have been my personal rally cries in every crisis in my life. I can do it, all it takes is determination and just being strong enough. I was proud of every minute that I refused to buckle, yet I felt miserably unhappy. I finally said, this is rediculous! And instead of running to the store to grab a pack of cigarettes to keep on hand for "just in case" (which is really what I didn't want to do, yet really wanted to do), I prayed.
My prayer went something like... "Okay, God. You know I am trying to do the right thing here. I really want to do this. I NEED to do this. And I am really trying. But this is hard! I don't like feeling this way, and I am being impatient with the kids and I'm agitated. I am not asking for anything rediculous or selfish, but I could really use a little help here. Just take away the cravings for a while. Help this not to consume my mind so much and give me some peace to be able to manage this challenge. I know I can do this, but I could just use a little help. Please?"
When I finished the prayer I sat there for a few seconds and I didn't feel anything. Nothing, zip, zilch... I felt nothing at all. I am not embellishing the story when I tell you that IMMEDIATELY I felt no craving, no desire at all, and the thoughts that had literally consumed my mind for hours subsided and I just felt peaceful.
The next day, the thought of smoking only entered my mind a few times, and I immediately put it away. I had no cravings at all. I did not feel agitated or irritated in the least and I just had a sense that if I did choose to smoke it would be a horrible experience. It's been nearly a week now and I have no desire at all to smoke. I am completely done with it and have intention or desire to every do it again!
I realized something from that experience. So many times we are facing a challenge or trial and we find ourself in an extrememly uncomfortable situation. We complain about it. We fret over it. We wonder why on earth would God let me go through this, knowing I am trying to do the right thing? Why doesn't he step in and fix it, or make it easier, or at least CARE? But the realization is, while we have been focused on the problem, on the struggle, on why we don't feel the peace of God or a helping hand, we haven't actually asked Him for help! And the moment we actually open our mouths and with an honest heart ask Him for help, He will extend His hand and give us what we need.
What an exciting prospect to know I no longer have to just "tough it out" on my own. There really is someone who can and will help me in time of need!
