I asked God to kill me and He didn't

I have been there sometimes i still go there but i soon put the thought away and start to pray and thank the lord.I use to pray that i would not wake up and i would be upset he wouldnt listen to me.I dont pray that any more i dont know what my life is going to be now but im sure there is some reason i have not died yet so praise God you are still available if you had died you couldnt have wrote this and i wouldnt have not felt so alone so even with this tiny thing you shared it helped someone im saying this to my self also we all have a purpose so we need to keep our eys on the lord and wait till he shows us i for one am thankfull you got to write this

I was 13 years old standing at the kitchen counter with a knife in my hand ready to die when the Lord broke through to me. A lifetime of abuse had just started becoming real to me in the weeks prior, and I got to a point where I hated myself. Why had I been treated the way I was treated? I must have deserved it. I truly believed that just being born made me bad. I could not see any hope for my life. At 7 yrs old I was already convinced that I was going to be raped, and I began preparing myself then. I had nothing to live for. I knew I was only headed for a lifetime of being taken advantage of. And the Lord broke through to me. For the first time, I heard his voice, and it changed my life forever.
As an adult I have struggled on and off with wanting to die, disappear, kill myself, cease to exist, and otherwise harm myself. I felt inherently bad. I have punctured myself hundreds of times with lancets, cut myself, banged my head and body on hard objects, stopped eating, taken too much medication, and purposefully walked through dangerous neighborhoods at night. I did these all in the name of self-punishment and in some cases death. I didn't feel worthy of living. I felt like I was born to be hurt, and I just didn't want to go through it anymore.
I began counseling almost two years ago and started healing from some things. My self-abuse and suicidal tendencies had sort of been hidden for a while, and they came out swinging. It took lots of God's people standing in the gap for me before I was able to fight any of those desires. I remember the first time I ever punctured I was carrying my penlet with me. I was early to a job and I sat on the street corner and went at it. I infiltrated a vein in my wrist and my whole arm swelled up and turned blue. I didn't know what was happening, but I was hoping it would kill me. I went to work, and walked to church that day. Two of my mentors were there and I just sat on the ground crying. I had an emergeny appointment with my counselor that day, and my mentor and her husband came. She knows my history and my issues, but her husband did not. Both of them came, and both came in for my session. As my counselor read to them this poem that I had written from the place of a young child crying out to her father to stop raping her, the husband began tearing up. He's not the most emotional guy so I was a little shocked, and very ashamed that I had caused him grief.
That was no the last time I self-injured, but it was when the Lord first started working on it. I still struggle with hopelessness from time to time, but I have been able to conquer more than succumb to it recently. It is only by the power of God that I am able to tell myself no when I want to inflict self-injury.

Yes but everyone goes through things if they live long enough. This quote from an old film I saw always makes me laugh, "If you make a mistake and get all tangled up, you just tango on." Lol.

I agree that everyone goes through things if they live long enough. But I don't think everyone has had suicidal thoughts or has wanted to just leave this earth. Hence, why I avoid using generalizations, as a general rule of thumb.

That's a good point. If someone is struggling with a real mental health issue, such as clinical depression leading to thoughts of suicide, they should seek help.

During these times, I asked God many times to take me (kill me sounds like a criminal act) [/SIZE][/SIZE] & He never did
[SIZE="2"
After this incident for a few days, the presence of the Holy Spirit was so strong, healing the resentment in my soul and showing me that I have to be strong and not to worry about what others think of me and that I'm to give my worries to Jesus. He healed me from the resentment that grew inside my heart and now it seems that people's criticism are just bouncing off from me and not entering my soul. God has given me His wisdom on how to act/react and that I have to look at the people through God's eyes. He loves them and He wants me to reach out to them regardless of how they are. It was a scary experience in the water but at the same time I do thank God for it cause He took me out of that drunken state of oppression & depression.[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

Wow-- that's about as real as it gets; I've wanted to die often in my life, but would never consider taking my own life. Just the other day, the depression/oppression was so severe, I was getting pretty desperate. it drives you to your knees pretty fast when there is no escape from the pain. The Apostle James said, "draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." It's true. One turning point for me was making a commitment to praise the Lord and renew my faith, for a change, instead of the sulking attitude, "why me?" pity party. I thought, why would God heal me if I was whining, demanding to be healed with a heart of entitlement? baaaaaaad...

I'm glad your story had a happy ending;

There is a story in World Vision about a lady living in a small hut with a leaking roof. One day she was so sad that she prayed for God to end her life. Then, soon after, a lady in America sponsored her, and she was able to build a better place to live. The look on her daughter's face and in her eyes before they were rescued, is what got to me. I've lived that look and seen it, and it always brings tears.

I'm sorry to hear of your inner pain-- that's the worst kind; I grew up with limited abuse also that led to self-punishment, such as not eating, and even depression is a form of self-punishment; It may sound bizarre, but, some counselors say it's a form of rebellion. The key is surrendering our own punishment over to the the Lord's. and I think forgiving ourselves and others is also key. The books, "The Bondage Breaker," and "Victory Over the Darkness," by Dr. Neil Anderson have helped many people, including myself to build up our understanding of identity in Christ. Neil worked with a lot of tormented people and he really focuses on God's unconditional love and acceptance of us, His children, and backs it up with scriptures to say everyday to overcome self-hatred, and low-self esteem.
He's had some miraculous results!

Also, the "7-steps to Freedom," can address any buried issues that might still be causing problems. like the car that has been sitting there stalled out for 5 years-- wasn't broken; just out of gas...
His books are not perfect, but they are filled with all the basic foundations of identity in Christ. This is really the beginning. If we don't believe we are worthy to be a child of God, it's difficult to grow. It's like wanting to be higher than God in a way, I think, to fight God's acceptance and say, "no, I'm not worthy...I'm bad inside... I want to prove myself-- I"ve got to measure up by my standards." The Apostle Paul says that's not how it works; we are all equally unworthy, and all equally forgiven and accepted in Christ. These are the new rules of the New Covenant; But, it's easier said than done to break out of that torment loop. I took a computer programming class once, and the program might get caught in a loop, where it just stops and loops around in circles-- on our own power, we can't break out of that loop; anyway, when i figure out how to break out of the loop, I'll let you know...just kidding; things are getting better--
and I hope for everyone in here too...
My survival steps:
1) Stay alive.
2) Surrender to God.
3) keep asking for help.
4) praising, loving, and thanking God the most when the pain hits...

This is why I'm here.

A reminder, apathy is never a good route. Whether it be from suffering or desensitizing, we should never shut down. That love for others, and ourselves as mutually respected children of God isn't just pretty, it's a discipline. I hate not caring, not seeing, not involving, for a reason. It's scary stuff, not having that boundary. I can't say I trust myself without love, or fear. I praise the Lord for the right perception. Without the perception to see ourselves in a place we don't like, fear may not keep us from it. Without the perception to see how our actions effect others, or even our own goals, love may not keep us from them.
I've never contemplated suicide because of suffering. For those reading these out of curiosity, and not necessarily because it pulls at your heartstrings, never let it get to the point where you look at suicide and say " What the heck, might be interesting." Trust me, there will be only one person that will find it interesting, and ironically that person will not even have the ability to do so anymore. I apologize to those who have the strong emotional connection, for the coldness of this last statement. It is more for the very few that have a hard time utilizing love and fear, in just as dangerous a situation.

Hi I want to make a very important point. If anyone is feeling bad and looking to hurt themselves ask for help, please. Anti depression medication helps and can get you threw these tough times. Do not let anyone Christian, or anyone else tell you not to take them or get help. No Christian should EVER say do not take anti depression meds ever. Even Peter was influenced by the devil and went against the LORD. We have a internal dialog that we say to ourselves all day long. I always ask people do they talk to themselves and they are quick to answer no. We all talk to ourselves internally it is what we think about us,others,GOD and Devil ect..ect. I know you guys are saying he needs the meds, but bare with me. Many do not even know or listen to what we are saying to ourselves. If you are thinking that you want to end life or its not worth it, get help now. You will notice that you are saying it over and over to yourself. Depression is usually just a moment in life, but it makes you very narrow minded when thinking. If talking or meds gets you over this moment take the help. We all need a time out in Life it can be a little difficult at times. Please get help if your hurting.

Thanks for you insights-- sounds like you have been to those inner places that many people don't understand. The younger folks in this forum have some amazing experiences and insights--
It is a challenge when the suffering goes on for so long-- the pain can drive you to desperation and to be impulsive; watch for that, cause you can't see it coming. Though I claim not to be suicidal, a couple years ago, driving with severe depression, in a daze of pain, I passed a string of cars on a two-lane highway and red-lined my car and engine; Even at that speed, I barely pulled in when a semi-truck rounded the corner. It woke me up for sure-- And I tried to starve myself to death at age 28 before spending a month on the mental health unit.
King David wrote about depression:


...Refuge has failed me;
No one cares for my soul.
I cried out to You, O Lord:
I said,
"You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.
Attend to my cry,
for I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are stronger than I.
Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise your name;
The righteous shall surround me,
For You shall deal bountifully with me."


Hear my prayer, O Lord...
For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
...Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!


Give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wondrous works!
Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!
Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!
Remember His marvelous works which he has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,
O seed of Abraham His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!
He is the LORD our God;
His judgments are in all the earth.
He remembers His covenant forever,
The word which He commanded, for a thousand generations...


Likewise He [Jesus] took the cup after supper, saying,
"This cup is the new covenant in My blood, which is shed for you." (Luke 22:20)

"These are the words which I spoke to you while I was still with you,
that all things must be fulfilled which were written in the Law of Moses
and the Prophets and the Psalms concerning Me." (Luke 22:44)

"...and thus it was necessary for the Christ to suffer and to rise
from the dead the third day..." (Luke 22:46)

"Because you have kept My command to persevere, [Jesus]
I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon
the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth." (Revelation 3:10)

He understands our suffering-- He suffers with us...
Don't die alone in the foxhole--
Just hang on, one more day; one more week; one more month; one more winter--

I tried to swallow pills but got to thinking about hell.

I always wanna die because Im always getting hurt by every girl I know.
They seem like they don't care bout me.

Hello Sister.

Sorry to hear you are troubled. Stay with us until the Lord calls you home. He can get you thru Anything....He loves you unconditionally. Put all your Faith and Trust in Him and He will set you free.

Talk Care and God Bless...

Yes, actually I was involved in Satanism. A form of satanism by the title of spiritual satanism, basically worshiping Satan and calling him '' father Satan ''. I heard from video on youtube, about teens in devil worship, A lady that helps people ( in this case teens, because she only specialized in teens ) that are physically abused and mentally abused said... '' It's like a hook, and once the victim is attached to this hook, they will get reeled into the occult.'' And since I was a victim of the occult, I began to act viciously towards people, specially my parents!

I wasn't in a good state, listening to the devils music , lusting after girls and swearing ( I could go on, I was the black sheep of the family ) I wasn't paying attention in class, I was too busy being preoccupied with my classmates, causing a ruckus. And I tell you, when the report cards came in, my parents weren't too impressed what-so-ever! I hated seeing my parents angry at me, it's frightening for any teen to experience 2 parents screaming at the top of their lungs at you. And it was then, I cried myself to sleep, demanding that if God existed, he was to end my life because I wasn't able to live it.

So yeah, I have at one point in my life demanded that my life being put to an end because I was heavily influenced by satanism.

When I was 18 I was terrified I was going to become an atheist, because I could feel my mind losing faith in a permanent way, against my will, chipping away slowly at my childhood faith that there is a God. I couldn't do anything about it. I felt that if I "make" myself believe, then it could be fake, because if God isn't real, then I'm just lying to myself. So I was feeling horrible that I may not ever be able to force myself to genuinely believe in God ever again the way I did when I was a child.

It was a philosophical crisis.

So one night I asked God to kill me while I was still young and still had crumbs (literally crumbs) of actual real faith left so that I may not go to hell when I am older and my brain changes too much. He didn't kill me.

To this day I struggle. I don't feel like I want to die anymore. But I have become numb to most of the bad thoughts.

The "easy" way is asking being killed. Later on, any tries him/self or herself...

God is not under YOUR authority. He does what He does.

You are to undergo a life lesson (I was one who tried to pull a trigger 3 times, once).

Pray! Pray! and find out HIs ways. (Jesus is!)