I grew up in a methodist church. I had a very strange and perplexing childhood. Both my parents had mental disorders and my father was a member of The Church of Satan. My mother would take me to church every Sunday. I really just followed along like a lost sheep. When my parent got divorced, I started to slowly turn away from Jesus. Eventually, I slipped into the occult and witchcraft. Throughout my teenage years I was simply searching for meaning and kept coming up empty every time I learned about something in a certain religion or belief that seemed illogical to me. Even for a while christianity seemed illogical. Life during those years began to turn from bad to worse. I got pregnant at the age of 19 out of wedlock. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so confused and I felt so alone. I started to get really depressed. Started locking myself away from the world, only leaving the house for emergencies and things like going to get food. I became very closed into myself. My personal hygeine I was letting go of because I felt what's the use and why bother. For a number of years I was in this depressive hole and I couldn't find the strength to get out. I was too afraid to go out and look for work because I feared of failing all the time. When I did start working up the nerve to go out more, I became nervous and shaky, even just going to the mall every now and then. I was so scared for people to even look at me. Socially, I had become inept extremely. I finally decided I couldn't live like that anymore and for about a couple of years I was on and off in counseling. I tried medication and behavioral therapy. Something just didn't resonate. I couldn't talk to a total stranger about my feelings. It didn't feel right to do so. I started to yet again go searching for a spiritual out, I guess you would call it. Looking for some kind of meaning in all the wrong avenues. I fell into Islam, then Deism.
My daughter started going to church with a friend of hers. I didn't stop her from doing it because I believe everyone must make a choice for themselves what to believe in when it come to a higher power. She kept asking me and asking me to come to church. For a while I was reluctant because it was a Lutheran church. I've had so much trouble with other churches over the years, methodist, baptist, etc. Dealing with people who weren't at all what I would call good people in Christ. Greedy people, arrogant people, people who just went to church because they wanted to show off their wealth and happy lifestyle. I never got a good picture of true faith. Never got a good example. I was thinking if church people were like this then I don't want to get involved with the church at all. The day my daughter told me she was going to get baptized, I flipped out of my hair, lol. First I asked her why she was doing it. She told me it was because she felt left out when they took communion. I then proceeded to tell her that wasn't a very good reason to get baptized and also told her why people do get baptized. After our conversation, she still wanted to go through with it. I asked her why. She says, because something has to change. In that little sentence I heard my daughter contemplating the meaning of it all. Why we are here, and how she wanted to live her life. She felt things needed to change for the better so she wanted to rely on Christ to make things better. I immediately, pondered on the way I was living my own life and realized that everyday I rely on God more than I really thought. Everyday when something goes ary, I am always saying little prayers inside my head for God to help me through. I never realized that I needed God more than I needed the own air that I breath. He was the only one who really knew my inner heart. He was the only one there when I felt no one else was there for me. He brought me out of destruction when I was a child. I had been ignoring the one person who truly loved me and was always with me no matter what I did. So I went to that Lutheran church on the day of my daughter's baptism. I was scared, yes, and I couldn't hide my nervousness. I was afraid, yes, I didn't speak a word to hardly anybody. But when I saw that alter, I knew I was in the right place. I was in my Lord's house and even though I didn't think other people were inviting me in, that alter somehow became a beckon. God was welcoming in. Not only in this church, but into a new life. Everyday since then I will admit has been a struggle. I've suffered so many trails in life I'm still learning to take every bump in the road with a grain of salt. But now I have hope that things will be better for me and for my family. I'm getting out more, talking to more people, lol I'm even singing in my church chior and joining a band. Granted I'm not fully content. I haven't reached that point where I feel things are safe and secure. Gradually and slowly they are getting there.
My daughter started going to church with a friend of hers. I didn't stop her from doing it because I believe everyone must make a choice for themselves what to believe in when it come to a higher power. She kept asking me and asking me to come to church. For a while I was reluctant because it was a Lutheran church. I've had so much trouble with other churches over the years, methodist, baptist, etc. Dealing with people who weren't at all what I would call good people in Christ. Greedy people, arrogant people, people who just went to church because they wanted to show off their wealth and happy lifestyle. I never got a good picture of true faith. Never got a good example. I was thinking if church people were like this then I don't want to get involved with the church at all. The day my daughter told me she was going to get baptized, I flipped out of my hair, lol. First I asked her why she was doing it. She told me it was because she felt left out when they took communion. I then proceeded to tell her that wasn't a very good reason to get baptized and also told her why people do get baptized. After our conversation, she still wanted to go through with it. I asked her why. She says, because something has to change. In that little sentence I heard my daughter contemplating the meaning of it all. Why we are here, and how she wanted to live her life. She felt things needed to change for the better so she wanted to rely on Christ to make things better. I immediately, pondered on the way I was living my own life and realized that everyday I rely on God more than I really thought. Everyday when something goes ary, I am always saying little prayers inside my head for God to help me through. I never realized that I needed God more than I needed the own air that I breath. He was the only one who really knew my inner heart. He was the only one there when I felt no one else was there for me. He brought me out of destruction when I was a child. I had been ignoring the one person who truly loved me and was always with me no matter what I did. So I went to that Lutheran church on the day of my daughter's baptism. I was scared, yes, and I couldn't hide my nervousness. I was afraid, yes, I didn't speak a word to hardly anybody. But when I saw that alter, I knew I was in the right place. I was in my Lord's house and even though I didn't think other people were inviting me in, that alter somehow became a beckon. God was welcoming in. Not only in this church, but into a new life. Everyday since then I will admit has been a struggle. I've suffered so many trails in life I'm still learning to take every bump in the road with a grain of salt. But now I have hope that things will be better for me and for my family. I'm getting out more, talking to more people, lol I'm even singing in my church chior and joining a band. Granted I'm not fully content. I haven't reached that point where I feel things are safe and secure. Gradually and slowly they are getting there.