My journey gets sweeter every day

I was unsure if this should go here or the misc. section. I decided to place it here; but if anyone feels it should be moved to another section, I understand.


I spent the first 18 years of my life completely lost. Anger filled, angsty child/teenage, full of hate towards certain things that had happened in my life. I wandered through life so aimlessly, lost, looking for any type of approval I could find. I don't have that extraordinary testimony where God saved me from drugs, prison, or anything like that. I have a testimony where God saved me from ending up at one, or both, of those places, though.

As a child that suffered through a divorce at a young age, I always had pent up anger from that. I felt like I was the blame for all that happened to my parents. I could not understand why it happened, and it caused anger to build up inside of me. A feeling of disconnect from anyone and everyone else in my life. I was not, and I'm still not, an outgoing talkative person. I was a shy and reserved person. I struggled daily with feeling at blame for things that I now know were out of my control. I had a strong disdain for my mother for leaving my father, and it made me and her have a rocky relationship at times. We were close and loved one another but we butted heads like mother and son should not.

Fast forward until my middle school years I started to struggle mightily in school. I had up until that point always been in the top of my class, made good grades, and seemingly had a bright future. At this point though, I stopped caring about school. I stopped caring about anything. I became almost void of all feeling and emotion. I started becoming more and more reserved, I would come home from school and sit in my room for hour upon hour listening to music. Secular music that is blatantly blasphemous. At that particular time though, I didn't care. I liked the music, I connected with the people who had a similar mindset and I felt at home among these people. Often times I came into contact with them through the internet, as I didn't know anyone around me that listened to this music. And for an 11, 12, 13, feeling as lonely as I did all you wanted to was feel accepted. I lied about my age to feel more at home among these people, and it was a temporary fix for all of my problems as I finally had that acceptance that had so long eluded me. I was "happy."

This went on up until about the time I was 16 where it felt good. Then I realized, I'm living a lie..on the internet. I'm still as empty as I've ever been. I am lying about who I am to be accepted. At this point I thought if I came out and told these people I was talking to daily on the internet with, and had for years, the truth about my age who such I would feel a bit better about myself. And I was right, I did. But again, it was a temporary fix to a much bigger problem.

--It's important to note that all through this time; I had BAD anger problems. At times a friend of my parents who was a cop would come and talk with me, and even put me in the back of his cop car once to scare me straight. And it did... for a few days. No matter how hard I tried though, I was angry. I had hate in me that I had no idea how to extinguish. I was still struggling greatly in school, had been to summer school numerous times, and failed in high school just as I had in middle school. I was completely careless about anything except music, and feeling accepted. I wanted acceptance, and I had that. Not to mention I could lash out and argue with people over the internet and not harm anyone. I needed help, bad. I was extremely depressed to the point of being suicidal at times.--

Now, that continued for another two years. I managed to graduate high school after taking some online and summer classes, halfway doing them.. just enough to get by. I was done with high school, and had no motivation to do anything. I was still as unhappy with life as I had ever been. I didn't know what direction to go. All the while though I attempted to appear to everyone else as a normal, happy, 18 year old. -- Now, the summer after I graduated I met the most sweet, beautiful and amazing girl I had ever known before. I fell crazy for her, and I knew there was something special about this girl. She was the woman for me. We started to talk, and one thing led to another, at 18 years old I had my first girlfriend -- And truthfully? The only friend I had at that time. She had no ideas of my struggles; And I generally let them be and tried to hide them. They surfaced though, and at times, in an ugly way. I would take them out on her. Never in a physical way, but just lashing out in anger. I couldn't hide what was inside for ever... But, this sweet girl allowed me to talk to her about my problems. One thing led to another, and she told me about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. At the time we had the conversation I didn't immediately ask Him into my heart. I felt like I was unworthy of Him, which I am, but I felt like He couldn't possibly accept a broken, and busted man like me. Now I had never been a church goer, I knew nothing about God, asking me a question about the Bible at that time was like asking me a question in a foreign language. I had no clue. This beautiful girl gave me a simple Bible verse though; Romans 3:23, and to this day, that verse has remained very special to me.

Soon thereafter, I asked Jesus into my heart, and God has worked on me, and I've certainly, sadly, at times backslidden, and at times I rubbed my worldly ways off on this beautiful girls, and I'm ashamed of that. Now though, He is working on strengthen both me and her. And its a mighty thing. A beautiful thing.

God made me realize so very much of my anger came from the fact I was holding on to things that happened in my past. I had resentment towards my mother, and could not forgive her. When I learned of how Jesus died on that cross for my sins, and He forgives me of anything and everything I've done... It is only right for me to forgive people in my life, too. And I did. And immediately I felt the weight of so many things lifted off my shoulders.

So if you're new to the Lord, or if you're here reading this for whatever reason.. and you're lost, remember this:

No matter how broken you are, no matter what you've done, and where you're at in life. No matter if you've never been in the doors of a church before, GOD LOVES YOU. He wants you to come to Him. He WILL work on you, He can fix you. He does not MASK problems like you do when you run away from them like I did for so many years HE FIXES THEM. HE MAKES THEM DISAPPEAR.


My journey is getting sweeter every day as the Lord works in my life! He has brought me out of the dark place I was in before; He has done so much for me, and I know He will continue to work!

--This is rather brief, and maybe a bit scattered.. and focused on my hiding from my problems more than my life, but that's how I was led to type this up, so I hope it speaks to someone.. somewhere. --

GOD BLESS.

I would say fill your lives with God's word (on tape, in music) Also praying scripture over each other is powerful. Lord bless

Praise God. This girl sounds amazing. I hope she is still in your life because she seems like a keeper

Thanks for the testimony!

She most certainly is an amazing woman, and is in my life. And I hope to keep it that way for the rest of my days, and pray we both continue to grow in Him together. Thanks for the replies.

Amen brother, all glory to Him. I can really relate with the mother/anger thing. I was a very angry person for a very long time because my mother left me before I was 1. I didn't realize my anger steamed from that either at first, but long before I was saved and while in a "lock down" rehab (court ordered so if you leave you go to jail, but no bars) talking things out with a counselor I came to forgive her and that was when the anger disappeared for me too. I didn't give God credit at that time, in fact denied His existence at that point, but in retrospect I see it was all Him then too. I LOVE our God so much!!! That you for sharing that testament of His power, I really understood it on a personal level, and may He continue to light both of you ways.

This is a great testament of Christ, thank you for sharing. I didn't even tell of my up bringing in my testimony. A father that gambled, and a mom that had to work to take care of three children. It puts a lot on the children. I was the youngest of three of us, I was eleven or so, it really is a shame... Divorce. I really appreciated hearing your testimony and poem HLR, God bless