B
So one of the things that I have always struggled with is opening up to people and being able to talk freely about things. In the midst of being so shy and scared I bottled things up sometimes leaving them to eat at me to the point of being unhealthy. I guess in order to best tell my story I need to start at the beginning.
It all started when I was eight years old. It was New years day and I was always mamas little girl. That morning we awoke to my mom not “feeling good” or so she said,and she asked for my brothers and me to go get her soup.
Me being mamas girl would not go with my brothers. So my brothers left and I was left home alone with my mom. Some time had passed and my mom got up to do what I thought was go to the bathroom, but in the midst of getting up she colapsed onto the floor on her chest. Me being only eight years old had thought she just wanted to sleep on the floor. Then all of a sudden the family dog duffer 2 began to bark and would not stop, and the phone began to ring with numerous people calling. I started to get scared and just hung up the phone on anyone that called, and then all of a sudden Amy my older sister called and i told her what happened, and she hung up and was on her way. Just after getting off the phone with Amy, my brother Shawn and Jeff got home. They called 911 and began cpr.
The ambulance and my sister arrived at the same time and I was sent to the next door neighbors house to sit and wait for everyone to bring mom home. I sat at there front door and watching the lightening or this is how I remember it, and I sat and waited for them to come home. When they finally arrived Amy came and got me and took me back to the house..I looked around and everyone was there my brothers my sister and even my dad, but no mom. Amy pulled my into my moms room and told me that she had died. Still to this day I do not remember what happened over the next few days. I remember the night before her funeral standing outside with my dad and him telling me that the brightest star in the sky was my mom and that she was there for me whenever I need her.
I also remember the next day her funeral..I recieved a barbie from my cusion it was an angel barbie, and after this I remember the big room where they took everyone at the cemitary and the dinner at the eagles club later and that was it. After my moms death I moved in with my sister to finish school and I began to get wiser and discover things like god. I began to say that I hated god because he took my mom away from me. Shortly after finishing school that year I moved in with my dad. I lived with my dad for a year and in this time I lived at the bar and knew more about alchol then any normal kid should. My dad is an alchol and a pathlogical liar. The next summer I went to visit my sister up north and ended up moving in with her at the end of the summer. I started going to gaylord schools.
I hadnt thought much about god or anything like that until I got into high school. I had a few friends that were christians and would ask me to church and I would say no because I hated god he took my mom from me. But one night this friend of mine her name was amanda invited me to church and I gave my usual answer and she said wait there will be pizza and its not like normal church and its fun and kool. Well for starters I said yes because it wasnt supposed to be church yeah right she lied. It was testimony night for the youth leaders, and one women told us about her alcholic husband and how he abused her and she had gotten to know god and he took all that hurt away. It hit home with me and i cried for what seemed like hours. The following week it was november 9th 2006 I gave my life to the lord.
I started getting really involoed in the church and was so plugged in, and even began to sing on the worship team. Everything in my life seemed to be going great and I was truely happy and fullfilled for the first time. Then at the end of my tenth grade year we moved away from all my friends and away from my church. I was still able to go to church because a family lived near where we moved to. But I met this guy at a church a went to a few times, and we began dating. I had thought he was a strong christian but was terribly wrong. I dated him for a year and 4 months. I fell very very far away from god and became consumed with him and everything in my life revolved around him. I began to hate my family and had almost no friends, but none of that matter I had him and I thought that was all I needed.
I became sexually active with him and things got very intense to the point that we as 17 year olds talked about marriage and kids, and about being together forever. I thought I was on top of the world we spent the summer together being at each others house for weeks at a time (forgot I moved again). Then just before school started up again I found out about the girl he had met in drivers training and began to see the lies everyone had been telling me about before him and I even started dating. I hadnt known at the time but he lied just as much as my dad and was what I needed in my life at all. On october 2nd of my senior year I finally broke up with him, but this wasnt ok. I started dealing with depression and thoughts of suscide. Before I had cut myself a few times thoughtout high school but this was serious I had thoughts of planning out how I was gonna go I had even gotten to the point of writing notes to people in my family saying good bye. Most of my senior year needless to say was hell.
I forgot to mention because we moved again I would have either had to find someone to stay with or switch schools. I ended up staying with the lutz family an amazing family I knew from church and even considered mary the mom of the family my god brought mom that i needed. They were amazing. In the midst of me being suscidal no one knew I hadnt shown any signs and I have always been a very good actreee and hid it very well. One night we went to youth group as I had to every wednesday ngiht as part of living with the lutz family. I sat in with mary and watch a group of people practice a skit for the following sunday which was youth sunday.
The skit was done to a song called everything and in this skit the girl deals with sex addiction susicde and a few other things. I was dealing with thoughts of susicide and this totally hit my like a ton of bricks. I began to cry and could not stop. I went into the nursery and sat by myself and finanlly broke down and told mary what was going on. After this night I was finally on track with god or atleat I thought I was. Things were going so good, but over the summer I fell away from church and when I arrived at LSSU I found a hook up buddy I guess you could call it, I didnt go as far as to having sex with a basic stranger but I was consumed in desires of the flesh. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I needed the fullfilment of god and wouldnt go to chruch to get it so I tried to find it in worldy ways.
Eventually I had an assignment for the compass to write an article on anchor house as group of the week. So I finally broke down and went to anchor house, and every since I am finally doing my best to live for god.
I am getting involoved and trying to meet good christian friends and not dating or checking out any guys that are not stronh christians. It is my goal to stay on track with god and not let the things of this world have control over me anymore. I wanna be able to help others like pthers have helped me. I hope to be a light unto the world. I am writing this in hope snot to get attention but to share with others the things that I still deal with to this day and to be able to help them or have a partner in fighting against the things the devil puts in front of us. I hope to empower anyone that reads this and hope they know that there is hope out there and its in god you have to trust in god.
I pray anyone reading this is touched by knowing that I am a conquer through christ and you can be to.
-Thanks Briana.
It all started when I was eight years old. It was New years day and I was always mamas little girl. That morning we awoke to my mom not “feeling good” or so she said,and she asked for my brothers and me to go get her soup.
Me being mamas girl would not go with my brothers. So my brothers left and I was left home alone with my mom. Some time had passed and my mom got up to do what I thought was go to the bathroom, but in the midst of getting up she colapsed onto the floor on her chest. Me being only eight years old had thought she just wanted to sleep on the floor. Then all of a sudden the family dog duffer 2 began to bark and would not stop, and the phone began to ring with numerous people calling. I started to get scared and just hung up the phone on anyone that called, and then all of a sudden Amy my older sister called and i told her what happened, and she hung up and was on her way. Just after getting off the phone with Amy, my brother Shawn and Jeff got home. They called 911 and began cpr.
The ambulance and my sister arrived at the same time and I was sent to the next door neighbors house to sit and wait for everyone to bring mom home. I sat at there front door and watching the lightening or this is how I remember it, and I sat and waited for them to come home. When they finally arrived Amy came and got me and took me back to the house..I looked around and everyone was there my brothers my sister and even my dad, but no mom. Amy pulled my into my moms room and told me that she had died. Still to this day I do not remember what happened over the next few days. I remember the night before her funeral standing outside with my dad and him telling me that the brightest star in the sky was my mom and that she was there for me whenever I need her.
I also remember the next day her funeral..I recieved a barbie from my cusion it was an angel barbie, and after this I remember the big room where they took everyone at the cemitary and the dinner at the eagles club later and that was it. After my moms death I moved in with my sister to finish school and I began to get wiser and discover things like god. I began to say that I hated god because he took my mom away from me. Shortly after finishing school that year I moved in with my dad. I lived with my dad for a year and in this time I lived at the bar and knew more about alchol then any normal kid should. My dad is an alchol and a pathlogical liar. The next summer I went to visit my sister up north and ended up moving in with her at the end of the summer. I started going to gaylord schools.
I hadnt thought much about god or anything like that until I got into high school. I had a few friends that were christians and would ask me to church and I would say no because I hated god he took my mom from me. But one night this friend of mine her name was amanda invited me to church and I gave my usual answer and she said wait there will be pizza and its not like normal church and its fun and kool. Well for starters I said yes because it wasnt supposed to be church yeah right she lied. It was testimony night for the youth leaders, and one women told us about her alcholic husband and how he abused her and she had gotten to know god and he took all that hurt away. It hit home with me and i cried for what seemed like hours. The following week it was november 9th 2006 I gave my life to the lord.
I started getting really involoed in the church and was so plugged in, and even began to sing on the worship team. Everything in my life seemed to be going great and I was truely happy and fullfilled for the first time. Then at the end of my tenth grade year we moved away from all my friends and away from my church. I was still able to go to church because a family lived near where we moved to. But I met this guy at a church a went to a few times, and we began dating. I had thought he was a strong christian but was terribly wrong. I dated him for a year and 4 months. I fell very very far away from god and became consumed with him and everything in my life revolved around him. I began to hate my family and had almost no friends, but none of that matter I had him and I thought that was all I needed.
I became sexually active with him and things got very intense to the point that we as 17 year olds talked about marriage and kids, and about being together forever. I thought I was on top of the world we spent the summer together being at each others house for weeks at a time (forgot I moved again). Then just before school started up again I found out about the girl he had met in drivers training and began to see the lies everyone had been telling me about before him and I even started dating. I hadnt known at the time but he lied just as much as my dad and was what I needed in my life at all. On october 2nd of my senior year I finally broke up with him, but this wasnt ok. I started dealing with depression and thoughts of suscide. Before I had cut myself a few times thoughtout high school but this was serious I had thoughts of planning out how I was gonna go I had even gotten to the point of writing notes to people in my family saying good bye. Most of my senior year needless to say was hell.
I forgot to mention because we moved again I would have either had to find someone to stay with or switch schools. I ended up staying with the lutz family an amazing family I knew from church and even considered mary the mom of the family my god brought mom that i needed. They were amazing. In the midst of me being suscidal no one knew I hadnt shown any signs and I have always been a very good actreee and hid it very well. One night we went to youth group as I had to every wednesday ngiht as part of living with the lutz family. I sat in with mary and watch a group of people practice a skit for the following sunday which was youth sunday.
The skit was done to a song called everything and in this skit the girl deals with sex addiction susicde and a few other things. I was dealing with thoughts of susicide and this totally hit my like a ton of bricks. I began to cry and could not stop. I went into the nursery and sat by myself and finanlly broke down and told mary what was going on. After this night I was finally on track with god or atleat I thought I was. Things were going so good, but over the summer I fell away from church and when I arrived at LSSU I found a hook up buddy I guess you could call it, I didnt go as far as to having sex with a basic stranger but I was consumed in desires of the flesh. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I needed the fullfilment of god and wouldnt go to chruch to get it so I tried to find it in worldy ways.
Eventually I had an assignment for the compass to write an article on anchor house as group of the week. So I finally broke down and went to anchor house, and every since I am finally doing my best to live for god.
I am getting involoved and trying to meet good christian friends and not dating or checking out any guys that are not stronh christians. It is my goal to stay on track with god and not let the things of this world have control over me anymore. I wanna be able to help others like pthers have helped me. I hope to be a light unto the world. I am writing this in hope snot to get attention but to share with others the things that I still deal with to this day and to be able to help them or have a partner in fighting against the things the devil puts in front of us. I hope to empower anyone that reads this and hope they know that there is hope out there and its in god you have to trust in god.
I pray anyone reading this is touched by knowing that I am a conquer through christ and you can be to.
-Thanks Briana.
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