K
*Sigh*
So here goes nothing. As most testimonies, mine has a lot of layers. I’ve been a Christian for 12 years, and in the time I’ve have gone through a lot of ups and many downs. I’m going to share something that God is currently teaching me, and the struggles that I have gone through. Sorry if this is long, I’ll try to not make this a novel!
A little over a month ago I ended a year-long relationship with someone who I thought was going to eventually be my husband. There were so many problems in our relationship but I tried to force puzzle pieces to fit and make things work despite it all. I loved him whole-heartedly and unconditionally. Nine months into our relationship I found out (by snooping—no trust), that he had cheated on me six months prior. I was crushed. The thing about him was, I was not the first girl he had cheated on, and throughout our relationship, I constantly fought with him about girls he would talk to and how I wasn’t comfortable with him having so many girls he randomly chatted with.
When I found out he had cheated on me, I broke up with him, and he was very persistent to do everything to change and to be with me again. He started having daily quiet times, talking to our college pastor at church, and started to hang out with more Christian guys. I truly felt he was changing, but I worried he was only changing for me, and not for himself. As many times as he expressed that I was concerned he was doing this for me, he would tell me over and over that he wanted to change and he wanted to grow in Christ.
Needless to say, our relationship was stressful, emotional and not good. It was basically toxic. I want to point out that I’m not trying to bash my ex-boyfriend in any of this. There was a reason why I loved him. He was/is a great person, but he has a lot of deep routed problems. He had a hard childhood, and an unstable family that definitely has effected who he is today.
I knew in my heart that this wasn’t going to work out, but I pushed that so far down that I was basically in denial. One evening I prayed and told God that if we were not suppose to be together and if we needed time apart, that my ex would have to be the one to say it, because I felt like I didn’t have the strength to tell him. Two days later, my ex said that we needed a break. I honestly was surprised he said so because every time I said that we needed a break or to just break up he would tell me we don’t and we need to work on things together and taking a break would be bad. But, he told me that we needed time apart to grow in Christ and fall in love with Him before we could fall in love truly with each other. I told him I agreed and though it would hurt to be away from each other, trusting God would be the only way.
Two days later, I found out that he went to a football game with another girl. It was girl I didn’t know, and I just had the feeling that this just wasn’t a friend. I confronted about it and he denied and said there was nothing between them, and I was being paranoid and I needed to “chill out”. I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me, he needed to tell me and let me go. He said he did still want to be with me and wasn’t finished.
The night I confronted him about it, I gave him a letter and told him that the point of us being apart was to grow and be better people. I felt like he was just back to old habits and I really tried to encourage him to work on himself and not fall back to how he use to be. I also wrote in the letter that I wouldn’t be around forever and that I was going to grow in my relationship with Christ and I wouldn’t be just waiting for him. I also told him I wasn’t going to try and talk to him, and I would leave it up to him. If he were ready, he would call. The letter for me was letting go and letting him work things out and letting him try to change on his own without my influence. It was now or never.
I have not spoken to him since, and two weeks after we broke up, he started dating the girl that he went to the football game with. To make matters worse, he lied and told his friends, and some of mine, that he did tell me we were completely over and he fabricated our relationship and put me in a very negative light.
I was burned bad and my heart was truly crushed. I wanted to be with him so bad, and wanted him to be the man I saw he could be. But he isn’t. Like I said earlier, I loved him unconditionally, but I shouldn’t have. I should have had a limit to what I could stand. God gave me many instances to show me that he wasn’t the right person for me to be with for the rest of my life. I loved him the way I should have loved God.
I felt completely broken after my break up. I had to do something that I have always struggled with. I had to give all my problems, all my stress, all my heartache to God. I let Him take it from me. I didn’t want it on me anymore, and God was just waiting for me to call His name. I’ve never felt so close and so protected by God. I truly feel like His arms are around me protecting me from evil.
I felt like my hearts desires were to be with my ex, and one thing God has laid on my heart is that yes, my hearts desire is to get married, have a wonderful family, and be with someone who loves and takes care of me. And that’s why He had to take me away from my ex. Because that was a bad path I was about to go down, and God didn’t want that for me. God had to break my heart, to make me happy again. And only He can make my life worthwhile. God is my one true love. All my trust is in God and it’s so freeing.
Life is so hard and we all go through so many things that just break us. But God is good. He will help us through it all. God doesn’t do quick fixes. It’s a process; it’s a trial. It takes time to heal, but you have to make a conscious decision to trust that God has your best interest at hand, and all you can do is trust Him and move forward.
So here goes nothing. As most testimonies, mine has a lot of layers. I’ve been a Christian for 12 years, and in the time I’ve have gone through a lot of ups and many downs. I’m going to share something that God is currently teaching me, and the struggles that I have gone through. Sorry if this is long, I’ll try to not make this a novel!
A little over a month ago I ended a year-long relationship with someone who I thought was going to eventually be my husband. There were so many problems in our relationship but I tried to force puzzle pieces to fit and make things work despite it all. I loved him whole-heartedly and unconditionally. Nine months into our relationship I found out (by snooping—no trust), that he had cheated on me six months prior. I was crushed. The thing about him was, I was not the first girl he had cheated on, and throughout our relationship, I constantly fought with him about girls he would talk to and how I wasn’t comfortable with him having so many girls he randomly chatted with.
When I found out he had cheated on me, I broke up with him, and he was very persistent to do everything to change and to be with me again. He started having daily quiet times, talking to our college pastor at church, and started to hang out with more Christian guys. I truly felt he was changing, but I worried he was only changing for me, and not for himself. As many times as he expressed that I was concerned he was doing this for me, he would tell me over and over that he wanted to change and he wanted to grow in Christ.
Needless to say, our relationship was stressful, emotional and not good. It was basically toxic. I want to point out that I’m not trying to bash my ex-boyfriend in any of this. There was a reason why I loved him. He was/is a great person, but he has a lot of deep routed problems. He had a hard childhood, and an unstable family that definitely has effected who he is today.
I knew in my heart that this wasn’t going to work out, but I pushed that so far down that I was basically in denial. One evening I prayed and told God that if we were not suppose to be together and if we needed time apart, that my ex would have to be the one to say it, because I felt like I didn’t have the strength to tell him. Two days later, my ex said that we needed a break. I honestly was surprised he said so because every time I said that we needed a break or to just break up he would tell me we don’t and we need to work on things together and taking a break would be bad. But, he told me that we needed time apart to grow in Christ and fall in love with Him before we could fall in love truly with each other. I told him I agreed and though it would hurt to be away from each other, trusting God would be the only way.
Two days later, I found out that he went to a football game with another girl. It was girl I didn’t know, and I just had the feeling that this just wasn’t a friend. I confronted about it and he denied and said there was nothing between them, and I was being paranoid and I needed to “chill out”. I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me, he needed to tell me and let me go. He said he did still want to be with me and wasn’t finished.
The night I confronted him about it, I gave him a letter and told him that the point of us being apart was to grow and be better people. I felt like he was just back to old habits and I really tried to encourage him to work on himself and not fall back to how he use to be. I also wrote in the letter that I wouldn’t be around forever and that I was going to grow in my relationship with Christ and I wouldn’t be just waiting for him. I also told him I wasn’t going to try and talk to him, and I would leave it up to him. If he were ready, he would call. The letter for me was letting go and letting him work things out and letting him try to change on his own without my influence. It was now or never.
I have not spoken to him since, and two weeks after we broke up, he started dating the girl that he went to the football game with. To make matters worse, he lied and told his friends, and some of mine, that he did tell me we were completely over and he fabricated our relationship and put me in a very negative light.
I was burned bad and my heart was truly crushed. I wanted to be with him so bad, and wanted him to be the man I saw he could be. But he isn’t. Like I said earlier, I loved him unconditionally, but I shouldn’t have. I should have had a limit to what I could stand. God gave me many instances to show me that he wasn’t the right person for me to be with for the rest of my life. I loved him the way I should have loved God.
I felt completely broken after my break up. I had to do something that I have always struggled with. I had to give all my problems, all my stress, all my heartache to God. I let Him take it from me. I didn’t want it on me anymore, and God was just waiting for me to call His name. I’ve never felt so close and so protected by God. I truly feel like His arms are around me protecting me from evil.
I felt like my hearts desires were to be with my ex, and one thing God has laid on my heart is that yes, my hearts desire is to get married, have a wonderful family, and be with someone who loves and takes care of me. And that’s why He had to take me away from my ex. Because that was a bad path I was about to go down, and God didn’t want that for me. God had to break my heart, to make me happy again. And only He can make my life worthwhile. God is my one true love. All my trust is in God and it’s so freeing.
Life is so hard and we all go through so many things that just break us. But God is good. He will help us through it all. God doesn’t do quick fixes. It’s a process; it’s a trial. It takes time to heal, but you have to make a conscious decision to trust that God has your best interest at hand, and all you can do is trust Him and move forward.
