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His hands crept over me, touching me, sliding them all over my body. As if the devil was creeping slowly inside of me. I couldnt breath, I couldnt talk. I didnt even realize that I was crying until I felt the wetness of the tears running down my check. I was numb. And while he slid himself inside of me, tearing me apart. I screamed but only on the inside, I was trapped inside of my own body.
Hello, My name ( as some of you may know ) is Rachelle. And on December 3rd 2010, I was raped by a friend of my sisters.
It was the first friday of the month. I was babysitting my nephew for my sister, as it was her birthday. The day was like any other. I remember smelling the crisp air as I opened the door, to him. I thought nothing of it, I had known him for a few months, we had spent time together more then once, I could almost call him a good friend. As he walked in, and I closed the door behind us, I felt normal, little did I know that that was the last time i’d feel like that.
The night started off fine, we talked about his life, work and girlfriend. We laughed and joked and I was really enjoying myself. He then started insinuating that I give myself to him, that we do what any girl and boy do when then want too. Have sex. And at that time, for many different reasons, on witch I am not going to explain, because I don’t think I should have too. I didn’t want too. He then slowly started pulling down my pants, and I laughed it off, and told him to stop as I thought he was just fooling around with me. But then he pulled off my pants, got on top of me and held my hands down with his, at that moment I realized what was about too happen, but even still I didn’t know what it would cause me to become months later. He undid his pants, and .. without permission slowly began to tear my life away from me. I was numb, I was in shock. I wont get too into details for I am not yet comfortable with it. I didn’t scream, my nephew was in the next room, and I wasn’t going to expose him to that kind of evil. So I stayed quiet, but inside I had never been so loud. My body was no longer mine, it was his. My mind was no longer mine, it was his, my wants were not longer mine, they were his.
For eight months I was no longer Rachelle. I was a ” victim of rape “ a “Client “ a ” Survivor of assault ” a “Witness” an emotional wreck, I dealt with counseling, lawyers, police officers, judges, support workers. I got phone calls, got asked a million questions, had to write statements, and re tell my story, I got looked at, and examined, as if I was some kind of science experiment. People who were getting paid by the hour told me they understood, how I felt, and that it was NORMAL, to feel the way I did, as if they knew exactly what was happening in my heart, my mind and soul. But they had no Idea.
For eight months, I held it all inside. I went too school and laughed and acted like I was all good, I was there for people. I hid it all inside, for eight months I cried myself to sleep, I had nightmares almost every night, lost sleep. I was angry, I feared the world. I couldn’t leave my house without scoping the area to make sure I didn’t see him, to make sure he wasn’t there. But even though he wasn’t, I saw him everywhere I went. I turned to sex, and drugs and parting, because that way, I wouldn’t have to feel it. I developed a great talent for separating my emotions for sex, the one thing where your supposed to feel emotions and love, I felt nothing.. nothing at all and it was great. I grew closer away from my friends and family. And most importantly myself.
On the fourth of August. I watched him plead guilty. I watched him as he walked into the room. I sat farthest away from him at first, but within a few minutes I got up and sat closet to where he was. And I locked my eyes on him. And suddenly I didn’t feel scared anymore, I felt sad.. but not for me, for him. And that made me mad. I didn’t understand why I felt so bad for someone who took away my entire life, but I felt bad because he still didn’t get it. He didn’t understand .. He plead guilty to get time off his sentence, he held his head down because he upset that he got caught but not for what he did. And that alone made me sad.
You might be wondering why I’m letting all of this out, well part of me just needed to have my voice heard but the other part is to help someone. So if someone has hurt you, or taken away something that wasn’t theres, and you’ve been scared or .. you’ve felt ashamed. Dont, and just know that you are beautiful and that .. it gets better, slowly .. but it does. And just know that it was not , under no circumstances your fault. I hope that by me sharing my story, other girls, and boys will have the strength to get help, and maybe share theres.
This is a true story, and Im risking a lot letting it out. But I have faith that you will all take this with care. As I hand it to you in your hands with out doubt.
My name is Rachelle, and I defeated the monster.
Hello, My name ( as some of you may know ) is Rachelle. And on December 3rd 2010, I was raped by a friend of my sisters.
It was the first friday of the month. I was babysitting my nephew for my sister, as it was her birthday. The day was like any other. I remember smelling the crisp air as I opened the door, to him. I thought nothing of it, I had known him for a few months, we had spent time together more then once, I could almost call him a good friend. As he walked in, and I closed the door behind us, I felt normal, little did I know that that was the last time i’d feel like that.
The night started off fine, we talked about his life, work and girlfriend. We laughed and joked and I was really enjoying myself. He then started insinuating that I give myself to him, that we do what any girl and boy do when then want too. Have sex. And at that time, for many different reasons, on witch I am not going to explain, because I don’t think I should have too. I didn’t want too. He then slowly started pulling down my pants, and I laughed it off, and told him to stop as I thought he was just fooling around with me. But then he pulled off my pants, got on top of me and held my hands down with his, at that moment I realized what was about too happen, but even still I didn’t know what it would cause me to become months later. He undid his pants, and .. without permission slowly began to tear my life away from me. I was numb, I was in shock. I wont get too into details for I am not yet comfortable with it. I didn’t scream, my nephew was in the next room, and I wasn’t going to expose him to that kind of evil. So I stayed quiet, but inside I had never been so loud. My body was no longer mine, it was his. My mind was no longer mine, it was his, my wants were not longer mine, they were his.
For eight months I was no longer Rachelle. I was a ” victim of rape “ a “Client “ a ” Survivor of assault ” a “Witness” an emotional wreck, I dealt with counseling, lawyers, police officers, judges, support workers. I got phone calls, got asked a million questions, had to write statements, and re tell my story, I got looked at, and examined, as if I was some kind of science experiment. People who were getting paid by the hour told me they understood, how I felt, and that it was NORMAL, to feel the way I did, as if they knew exactly what was happening in my heart, my mind and soul. But they had no Idea.
For eight months, I held it all inside. I went too school and laughed and acted like I was all good, I was there for people. I hid it all inside, for eight months I cried myself to sleep, I had nightmares almost every night, lost sleep. I was angry, I feared the world. I couldn’t leave my house without scoping the area to make sure I didn’t see him, to make sure he wasn’t there. But even though he wasn’t, I saw him everywhere I went. I turned to sex, and drugs and parting, because that way, I wouldn’t have to feel it. I developed a great talent for separating my emotions for sex, the one thing where your supposed to feel emotions and love, I felt nothing.. nothing at all and it was great. I grew closer away from my friends and family. And most importantly myself.
On the fourth of August. I watched him plead guilty. I watched him as he walked into the room. I sat farthest away from him at first, but within a few minutes I got up and sat closet to where he was. And I locked my eyes on him. And suddenly I didn’t feel scared anymore, I felt sad.. but not for me, for him. And that made me mad. I didn’t understand why I felt so bad for someone who took away my entire life, but I felt bad because he still didn’t get it. He didn’t understand .. He plead guilty to get time off his sentence, he held his head down because he upset that he got caught but not for what he did. And that alone made me sad.
You might be wondering why I’m letting all of this out, well part of me just needed to have my voice heard but the other part is to help someone. So if someone has hurt you, or taken away something that wasn’t theres, and you’ve been scared or .. you’ve felt ashamed. Dont, and just know that you are beautiful and that .. it gets better, slowly .. but it does. And just know that it was not , under no circumstances your fault. I hope that by me sharing my story, other girls, and boys will have the strength to get help, and maybe share theres.
This is a true story, and Im risking a lot letting it out. But I have faith that you will all take this with care. As I hand it to you in your hands with out doubt.
My name is Rachelle, and I defeated the monster.
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