S
Shadowwolg
Guest
I had always known depression, but except for a period in my youth, when i was suicidal, i was able to handle the negativity...this was bc God had put a person in my life that would support me, and be proud of me. we had our ups and downs but bc she was there, like a mother, i knew everything was going to be ok... I became a child of God when i was 19, living with this lovely lady most of that time...in 2010, she was about to die.... It occurred to me, even though i didn't live with her at that point, that i didn't want her to go....and that when she died, there was no one i truly belonged to ... my parents, well, i respect them both and love them to the best of my ability, but a lot of the abuse came through their hands, so with this in mind, i went into a deep depression, i was losing the one person, that i knew who loved me beyond a shadow of a doubt, grief is a hard thing, i couldn't see God, couldn't see the good in each day, by the summer of 2010, i became suicidal, by this time, i had started emailing my Pastor, graciously he answered and encouraged some, by fall, i had to move out on my own, which made my visual of loneliness even stronger, by this time, i had decided to pick up drinking, now, i never did allow myself to get drunk... only drank enough to sleep, ha, but i continued. to see darkness, now, i had a friend who also struggles with this and she told me that if i continued to say if things didn't change i will be dead, i would be, ... i was encouraged to see the good, take one day at a time.. i remember that it took a long time before i could do this, when i started, it took four days before i could see something good,... then i would have lots of bad days, then i would have another good day, this went on for a long time, even going into 2011.... i had thougts that i feared having good days bc i would then have really bad days and i didn't want the really bad days.....