S
Shadowwolg
Guest
i ended up going to two different counseling services, if someone asked me in person, i would speak positive for both,, circumstances just got me to the second service, my first counselor...J realized she had to get me to see how beautiful that i am... i didn't like myself, but it went even deeper then the addiction, the addiction was just an outward sign of issues on the inside... now, i do a lot of research on my own and had known for several years that i have the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder, now granted, God has brought me so far in my journey of life, that I can see past a lot of this but still, it lingers... anyway, it took counselor J a long time, a 1 1/2 years of just getting me to see that God loves me, accepts me, and wants to help me, now bc i was there for my addiction, she also had me write a list of things to do..... that i liked to do, ... like , drawing, singing, taking walks, ...so when i am tempted i could chose a different activitiy, that would help give me something to think on... my biggest issue with God was trusting and believing in Him, ... i didn't really succeed in stopping my addiction but her goal was to get me to love myself..... if i couldn't love myself to make healthy choice then all the tricks in the world wouldn't help.... i also joined in a group for women with sexual addiction... it took a long time before i would even admit, that i love to masturbate.. i could tell people that i enjoy watching porn but admitting to the other was just to shameful. . I still didn't like myself but i was begining to get better.. i remember thinking in jan of 2013 that i was going to be ok... that someday i will be fine... .. but i still at that time felt dirty, shameful, and unlovable... it was just words over and over again spoken by my counselor that helped keep me seeing myself as valuable and worthy..... now, i will say, none of this journey has been fun... i often hated going to counseling, at times, still do... i often felt that people looked at me different and uncapable bc i went to counseling... i was fortunate that between group and counseling that i could be honest and say how i feel, without judgement,... it was strange when i would get made at counselor J, or when i would fall yet again, she didn't walk away from me... i was used to people leaving me alone when i got to much for them... so this was a hard thing to accept that she didn't walk away from me. i had thought that i had forgiven the abuser but found that i still at this point held some anomosity towards the man. but by just keeping going to counseling, and working through the emotions of it all, i slowly got better, nothing changed overnight...