5 steps forward and six steps back

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sunshine_debbie

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I have been in a severe depressive state with severe anxiety for the last eight days. I know it is because I needed to get closer to God and that he is strengthening my character regrdless of my comfort. I have received many posts of encouragement on this site. I have also received many uplifting prayers. I have prayed to God over and over to please, help me. I have talked to my doctor, I have taken medication, I have talked to my pastor, I have read the Bible, I have looked online for encouragement and answers. I have gotten out of bed even when I didnt think I could. I have stood in front of the mirror arguing with myself over the necessity of taking a shower.

Today, I think I have lost my mind. I have nothing left. My life, is torment, I want to be dead and in with Christ and not suffering from all of this. I can not go to a mental hospital because my son's father will take him away from me, and he is an alcoholic and very dangerous.

I beg my husband to stay with me all day and he wont! He just wont!!! Why wont he stay with me when he knows how badly I need him?

I do not know what to do, I am so scared, I am so afraid, I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me. Anyone. PLEASE

Debbie
 
Debbie, anything I or anyone says will be stuff you already know.

Let him go.

Be alone.

I was alone for more than a month.
I could not eat or drink or speak.
I had a machine breathing for me.

I spent my time either talking to Jesus or yelling at him(mentally)

Go on - it is just you and Him. Let Him have it!!!
 
Hi Debbie! God bless you, just thought i would encourage you to go on and talk to Jesus. He listens to you when you talk.
 
Hi Sunshine_debbie, I"ve read several of your posts. You seem very sincere, but also troubled in your thought life. I have learned not to interpret the word of God based on my own experiences or the experiences of others, no matter how difficult the circumstances appear to be. God's will, according to His word is for you to have a sound mind and not to be tormented by fearful thinking.

I want to encourage you to increase, and put into practice, 'trusting God' and trusting His word. There is never a time in our lives when we look at our circumstances and say 'I've done all I can do and nothing works'. There is a patient trusting that needs to develop in the life of every believer. If we place more faith in our circumstances than in God's ability to overcome them, this can produce doubt in what we think, and what we say, and we can quickly find ourselves speaking words which convince us to accept a very destructive way of thinking, which then has the potential to bring about self fulfilling prophecies.

I believe that you're christian, and I don't doubt that your struggle is very real, but God doesn't assign sicknesses and mentally troubling conditions. Many times these things can't be explained, but it doesn't change the fact that God is not the tormentor. God said come to me, and I will give you rest. He said, I have come that you might have life in abundance. He also said, I have given you power over all the works of the enemy.

When we are seemingly not in control of our thought life, it is easy to develop a distrust of others, and even of God. I simply want to encourage you to begin to war against those negative thoughts, and negative words, which express your opinion about your situation instead of agreeing with God's word, and His perception of your circumstances. I encourage you to do this, not by simply introducing positive thoughts, but by introducing God's word into your thought life, and developing a sense of expectancy.

I copied this post from a previous thread where you had commented:


But now, I have hope at least I know that God might not heal me, but he will help me to live with my condition. I know that even if God chooses to let me die (which is how I feel and what I am afraid of), then he will also take me to Heaven and let me live with him in a sin free life, with the energy and stamina to love him and sing his praises every minute of the day. I will on longer hurt or feel this crippling pain and fear.

I also know that God may choose to allow this to stay with me. That it is more important to refine my character then make me feel ok. I know that I may end up drooling in a mental institution, but as long as I can still read my Bible and pray, that is all God requires of me.

It is easy to envision the grief, and the sorrow, as you accurately expound upon your position of hopelessness and despair, but you may be overlooking the fact that God's restorative power is for you, 'in this life', right now. When you are powerless, God is not, when you're not faithful, he stays faithful. I encourage you to find out what God's word says and realize that He wants to be your comfort, your hiding place, and your strength.
I encourage you, not to simply read, but to remember scriptures which will counter the negative thoughts that are supporting your state of mind.
Psalm 91 is my favorite psalm, and it reveals God's true desire for His people. Learn to stand on His word, cling to it, and respectfully hold God accountable to perform His promises in your life. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but He has given us a spirit of love, of power and soundness of mind.
 
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I don't know what the promblem is, and why you feel this way. but I can tell you that it is your choice to be happy. you just gotta tell yourself why. and I know that God has given you many reason. No. 1 is your child.
I have battle depression (the spirit ) for years. this spirit can't wait until I get a reason to be sad and when it attack it does not hold back any punches. I know depression, like it is my first cousin, a very familuar spirit to me. yes we do get sad and sometimes we have deep sorrow. but depression is a lot lower to us than that. I had the not eating,{ 2-3 days at a time } and even after then maybe pop and chips. I could not even swollow food. did not want to be around no one, I cried at cartoons, camercials, or sometime when I wanted to laugh- I cried, and I didn't know why. all my thoughts was nothing but death, death, and death. I have three sons and at that time they was very young. I had mad it up in my mind that my mom would take care of them, after I decide not to take them with me. because at first I thought to kill my sons and they can be with God; for no one will love them like I do and no one would mistreat them if they were dead too. but I knew my mom would and they were better off without me. I was not good for them; nor was I good for anyone. a lot had happen to me up to this point in my life. I did not trust anyone nor did I feel anyone loved me, or even cared if I lived or died. I couldn't think of no one to call help me. I would call my mom who was and still is saved. and she could not help me because she didn't know what was wrong with me; nor did I.
but when I was introduced to Jesus and I cried out to God; He did say to me here I AM. He gave me all the reason to live. { I didn't take my life because my mom said if I did I was going to hell} I tried to think of ways that I could die that will not be suicide, and there was none. so I asked God if he is real to please take me, please don't let me wake up again { every night}. I said all this to show that I know what depression is and how aweful and distructive it is. And this is only half of waht I was going through. snappy, angry, sometimes raged at my children, nothing good.
depression to me was as I found out as God started to heal my heart and bring alot of forgivness in me. and as he gave me the reasons to live; I received them and I lived them to please him. when he said that he will not forgive me if I don't forgive others. I went to all the people who hurt me and told them I forgive them. He was my councler; I went to know one not even to church for at that time I didn't trust people. God did it through some through T.v ministries, but most of it was just God and me.

when I got divore four years ago, my husband cheated on me with my pastor's daughter, who at that time was what I thought was my friend. Oh; I was loosing my mind, but God kept me. He would not let me be down for long and I was down. I had to tell depression no, I forced myself to eat and I said that as God had taught me that no one is going to steal my joy. and I called the devil a lie and rebuked him. and from that day I would not listen to him and he did come and come till I said depression you have no place here.

I was dianosed with diabetes 3 weeks ago, and I have lost what seem like 30% of my vision, having to spend much money going to different doctors, been sick every day. having women promblems where I can't be with my husband { praise God for him having an understanding} and helping me through it all. knowing the things that can happen to me because of this desease, going blind, the lost of limbs, kidney failure and much more. and I was always told that you have to be over weight to get this and I only weighed 150lbs. and now down to 144lbs.
I cried, and even now I don't want to eat, for my appitite is gone, and again all the sings are here. but I have to eat with the madicine I take... and I could not stop cring untill started fasting last Sunday and prying and believing God to heal me. and restore my vision. but before I asked God to take me away and I told my husband I want to die. I tried to play around with him but the tears would not stop coming. God had to love me first and then he rebuked me. and told me we all must suffer and if I am Christ's I would be rejoicing and not cring. I am to take off the spirit of heaviness and put on a garment of praise. and that I did and is still doing even till this day. I refuse to give the devil victory. although I am tired of being sick. { it's been six months now} and I have not had a day of rest from the syptoms and side affects. but I am happy and the joy of the Lord has been my strength.
although my visions is not like it use to be and all others I still say thank you Lord, I still trust him. and when it's all over- it will be because it's God's will and not mine { which is motivated by satan} I made it up in my mind that I will not let this devil get me like he had me before, God said different situations but the same devil.
don't ask God for his help if you wont take it, you are only lieing to yourself. and if you want to stay that way then it is your choice. but if you want to be free, this too is your choice. we control our emotions and decide if we want the joy of the Lord ( the garment of praise) or the spirit of heaviness.
 
Cookie,

Of all the things that I know more then anything else is that there are others out there that have it 100 times worse then I do. I have ALWAYS known that i need to get down on my knees and thank God that I have it as good as I do. My life is not so bad, especially when I see what others have to go through. My life is WONDERFUL because I have Jesus in my heart. I am trying, really trying, to look past myself and to God. Perhaps I vent here because I have nowhere else to vent where I can get prayer, comfort, understanding from someone who has been through similar problems, and good solid advice from (hopefully) Godly people.

I am so sorry for all you have been through. Your life is a testimony to all who suffer from these things. I will work harder at beating this thing. I will trust God more, sing his praise more, pray more, and believe more. Thank you for sharing with me.

Debbie
 
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