It's been two straight years since I've last seen my family...Living with strangers whom I just met seems fun at first but makes me feel sad when things doesn't turn my way...
My mom was diagnosed with cancer so I don't really talk to her about things that could make her worry about me... I guess I've always been like that... As mom would always say, she didn't actually worry about me even as a kid because she said I came up the strongest among my siblings...
As a child, I didn't actually know what that meant... But looking back, I now understand what mom was trying to tell me...
When I was a child, we were so poor mom would buy lunch that was only meant for one person and divide it for all four of us... Normally, one meal of chicken adobo would have four small pieces of chicken meat... one for my baby sister... one for me... and two for my big brother... mom would then have the sauce... at age eight, i would complain why my brother would get two pieces... mom would say my brother needs more food because he's a boy and I am a girl... I would then reply saying we both have the same stomach... mom would then reprimand me and tell me that I'm a difficult kid for always complaining...
Being a middle child, I would always demand for attention from mom... My big brother is the only boy so he always get his own way... In fact, when I was in gradeschool... i did my very best to get to the top of my class because I asked mom to send me to a private school for my highschool... I got to the top of my class... and mom said she will send me to the private school that my friends wanted to go to... I was ecstatic to go to that exclusive school and join the school's different programs for students...
On the other hand, my brother asked mom to send him to a private school because he wanted to go on the same school as the girl he liked at that time... He specifically told mom that he would stop his study if he won't go to that school that he wanted... We were just poor but mom managed to buy money to send my brother to that school.
When it was my turn to go to highschool, I showed mom my school awards and told her to keep her promise... but mom got into so much debt for sending my brother to a private school that she couldn't keep her promise and so I was sent to a public school... i felt betrayed...
There came a time when we were so poor we don't know whether we'll have food the next day... My Dad decided that I should stop school... He said that I am a girl and so my husband can just provide for me in the future... He said my brother needs to finish college... I cried with all the life out of me...
Before mom agrees to my Dad, I told her that I wanted to go to college... As mom always say, I am a very difficult child and that she couldn't get thru my "strong" personality... She said, she knows how I wanted to go to college and that I would do it even if they help me or not... and so she said... she'll talk to government agencies to help me... eventually, I got a scholarship and was able to maintain my grades so I could stay in a prestigious school that I like...
However, it wasn't that easy... everyone around me had mobile phones... and I was bullied for being the weird one who doesn't have a mobile phone... I was always bullied... for being the odd one who doesn't dress the way they do... and doesn't do or go to the places they go...
In all fairness, I never told them how poor I was... I wanted to at least be a normal kid when I'm at school... so I guess that's why they reacted that way... And so I did my best to save money from my meager allowance so I could at least buy a mobile phone...
Unfortunately, one time... my siblings and I were in queue waiting for our allowance from mom... I wasn't sure where mom borrowed money this time around... I reckon I would ignore it for now and just think about it once I have work and help mom... First, my brother asked extra money because he said he's going out with his girlfriend... Mom would say she doesn't have enough money and my brother would then go on his usual tantrums which mom would give in... then my sister was next... she said she needs to go somewhere with her friends... mom didn't give her extra but she got her usual allowance... when it was my turn, mom would ask how much money I left from yesterday's allowance... then she would just give me a few coins and asked me to use the rest of the allowance I saved the day before...
there were times I wanted to lie and tell her I spent everything the day before... that way she would probably give me the same allowance she gave to my sister... But I couldn't bear lying to mom... I lashed out again telling her why she's treating me different from my siblings... as always, she would say... I was the strongest one... and as always, I would keep on complaining... and she would tell me again that I am a difficult child she couldn't control...
Growing up... I always asked God if mom really loves me... I hate hearing her say I was the strongest one in the family and that's why she doesn't worry about me... If only I could tell her that I am only acting brave.... I only wanted them to think that I am brave and that everything is alright... but truth is... I'm scared and is hurting inside...
My mom has cancer... and that's make it harder for me to speak my mind... unlike when I was a child...
I wonder why she never took me seriously everytime I ask her if she really loves me... she would just laugh and say "of course"... she even giggled and just say "alright, I'm at fault... I believe you now"... when I once told her I tried taking my life twice when I was a teenager... because I never felt loved...
I guess because she have always seen me as the "strongest one" and that's why she never believed any of the things I tell her... I could tell she's thinking it's another way of me getting her attention... being the difficult child that I am...
Today, I long for my mom's attention... there are times I feel so alone in a foreign land... and I need at least an assurance from her that she knows I could do this on my own... this time, hearing her say that I am the "strongest one" is enough for me to go on...
I asked mom to send me all her papers so I could arrange for her VISA and visit me... but she refused... as always, she said that my brother and his wife need her for their coming IVF operation... and that she doesn't want to leave my younger sister as she prepare for her wedding with the guy whom mom doesn't like for her...
I cried... but of course I didn't tell her... again and again I was always the one that mom puts aside because I am the "strongest one"... I wanted to tell her that at least my siblings in a familiar place they know... while I am thousands of miles away from home... alone...
it's been two years... but oddly enough, mom still thinks I could do it on my own... this time, I stopped trying to get her attention... I wanted to live life on my own...
Day and night, I would cry... with my knees on the ground... begging God to remind me that He loves me...
I've had a few failed relationships in the past... and that only made rejection a lot harder for me to accept...
I no longer know what love really means... all my life I tried my best to be loved... but I was always being ignored... it hurts... so this is what it feels like to be ignored...
Then I realized... I wonder if this is what God feels about me... Maybe God has been trying to get my attention all my life... but I was too busy chasing love from other people that I couldn't see how much He's trying to tell me that He loves me...
I was working so hard to deserve love... that I didn't realize God loves me regardless of what I do... who I am... or what I could be...
Maybe... God puts me in this family... because He wants me to understand how He feels about man... to love unconditionally and yet be ignored...
I agree that hurts a lot... so this is how my Lord feels about me...
from now on... I decided to stop pursuing love... and to get to know the God who wants to shower me with unconditional love and attention...
maybe by looking unto my Father, he would change my twisted perception that I had to work really hard... to be loved...
"Seek ye first Thy Kingdom of God... and all these things shall be added unto you..."
My mom was diagnosed with cancer so I don't really talk to her about things that could make her worry about me... I guess I've always been like that... As mom would always say, she didn't actually worry about me even as a kid because she said I came up the strongest among my siblings...
As a child, I didn't actually know what that meant... But looking back, I now understand what mom was trying to tell me...
When I was a child, we were so poor mom would buy lunch that was only meant for one person and divide it for all four of us... Normally, one meal of chicken adobo would have four small pieces of chicken meat... one for my baby sister... one for me... and two for my big brother... mom would then have the sauce... at age eight, i would complain why my brother would get two pieces... mom would say my brother needs more food because he's a boy and I am a girl... I would then reply saying we both have the same stomach... mom would then reprimand me and tell me that I'm a difficult kid for always complaining...
Being a middle child, I would always demand for attention from mom... My big brother is the only boy so he always get his own way... In fact, when I was in gradeschool... i did my very best to get to the top of my class because I asked mom to send me to a private school for my highschool... I got to the top of my class... and mom said she will send me to the private school that my friends wanted to go to... I was ecstatic to go to that exclusive school and join the school's different programs for students...
On the other hand, my brother asked mom to send him to a private school because he wanted to go on the same school as the girl he liked at that time... He specifically told mom that he would stop his study if he won't go to that school that he wanted... We were just poor but mom managed to buy money to send my brother to that school.
When it was my turn to go to highschool, I showed mom my school awards and told her to keep her promise... but mom got into so much debt for sending my brother to a private school that she couldn't keep her promise and so I was sent to a public school... i felt betrayed...
There came a time when we were so poor we don't know whether we'll have food the next day... My Dad decided that I should stop school... He said that I am a girl and so my husband can just provide for me in the future... He said my brother needs to finish college... I cried with all the life out of me...
Before mom agrees to my Dad, I told her that I wanted to go to college... As mom always say, I am a very difficult child and that she couldn't get thru my "strong" personality... She said, she knows how I wanted to go to college and that I would do it even if they help me or not... and so she said... she'll talk to government agencies to help me... eventually, I got a scholarship and was able to maintain my grades so I could stay in a prestigious school that I like...
However, it wasn't that easy... everyone around me had mobile phones... and I was bullied for being the weird one who doesn't have a mobile phone... I was always bullied... for being the odd one who doesn't dress the way they do... and doesn't do or go to the places they go...
In all fairness, I never told them how poor I was... I wanted to at least be a normal kid when I'm at school... so I guess that's why they reacted that way... And so I did my best to save money from my meager allowance so I could at least buy a mobile phone...
Unfortunately, one time... my siblings and I were in queue waiting for our allowance from mom... I wasn't sure where mom borrowed money this time around... I reckon I would ignore it for now and just think about it once I have work and help mom... First, my brother asked extra money because he said he's going out with his girlfriend... Mom would say she doesn't have enough money and my brother would then go on his usual tantrums which mom would give in... then my sister was next... she said she needs to go somewhere with her friends... mom didn't give her extra but she got her usual allowance... when it was my turn, mom would ask how much money I left from yesterday's allowance... then she would just give me a few coins and asked me to use the rest of the allowance I saved the day before...
there were times I wanted to lie and tell her I spent everything the day before... that way she would probably give me the same allowance she gave to my sister... But I couldn't bear lying to mom... I lashed out again telling her why she's treating me different from my siblings... as always, she would say... I was the strongest one... and as always, I would keep on complaining... and she would tell me again that I am a difficult child she couldn't control...
Growing up... I always asked God if mom really loves me... I hate hearing her say I was the strongest one in the family and that's why she doesn't worry about me... If only I could tell her that I am only acting brave.... I only wanted them to think that I am brave and that everything is alright... but truth is... I'm scared and is hurting inside...
My mom has cancer... and that's make it harder for me to speak my mind... unlike when I was a child...
I wonder why she never took me seriously everytime I ask her if she really loves me... she would just laugh and say "of course"... she even giggled and just say "alright, I'm at fault... I believe you now"... when I once told her I tried taking my life twice when I was a teenager... because I never felt loved...
I guess because she have always seen me as the "strongest one" and that's why she never believed any of the things I tell her... I could tell she's thinking it's another way of me getting her attention... being the difficult child that I am...
Today, I long for my mom's attention... there are times I feel so alone in a foreign land... and I need at least an assurance from her that she knows I could do this on my own... this time, hearing her say that I am the "strongest one" is enough for me to go on...
I asked mom to send me all her papers so I could arrange for her VISA and visit me... but she refused... as always, she said that my brother and his wife need her for their coming IVF operation... and that she doesn't want to leave my younger sister as she prepare for her wedding with the guy whom mom doesn't like for her...
I cried... but of course I didn't tell her... again and again I was always the one that mom puts aside because I am the "strongest one"... I wanted to tell her that at least my siblings in a familiar place they know... while I am thousands of miles away from home... alone...
it's been two years... but oddly enough, mom still thinks I could do it on my own... this time, I stopped trying to get her attention... I wanted to live life on my own...
Day and night, I would cry... with my knees on the ground... begging God to remind me that He loves me...
I've had a few failed relationships in the past... and that only made rejection a lot harder for me to accept...
I no longer know what love really means... all my life I tried my best to be loved... but I was always being ignored... it hurts... so this is what it feels like to be ignored...
Then I realized... I wonder if this is what God feels about me... Maybe God has been trying to get my attention all my life... but I was too busy chasing love from other people that I couldn't see how much He's trying to tell me that He loves me...
I was working so hard to deserve love... that I didn't realize God loves me regardless of what I do... who I am... or what I could be...
Maybe... God puts me in this family... because He wants me to understand how He feels about man... to love unconditionally and yet be ignored...
I agree that hurts a lot... so this is how my Lord feels about me...
from now on... I decided to stop pursuing love... and to get to know the God who wants to shower me with unconditional love and attention...
maybe by looking unto my Father, he would change my twisted perception that I had to work really hard... to be loved...
"Seek ye first Thy Kingdom of God... and all these things shall be added unto you..."
