J
JustAnotherUser
Guest
For the past few days my heart has been feeling heavy. I couldn't really put it into words unless if I wanted to ramble or go off, so sometimes it's best not to say anything at all. Looking through certain things just before that were apart of my life where I've had some pretty dark times, I came to the realization... It has been over two years since this ended. Or so one would think. It didn't for me. The lies, the scars, the anxiousness and hurts were still in me. I've literally wasted so much time over something that to many people it would seem small, but it has not been for me. Why? At least I've made it out alive. That's what truly matters and I could've just moved on to bigger and better things despite the odds.
This is only taking one portion out of many that makes me feel the way that I do. Sometimes it literally still carries around with me. Deep down, I just don't want to waste my life anymore. I want my brain programmed to not think that anything is a danger that reminded me of my past in some shape or form. I really do need to take a long look at myself because as of right now, there isn't much to really say to the person that reflects back from the mirror. All that is asked right now is, "What are you going to do?"
An act to live can sometimes take strength as much as wanting to die. So many things have died in me for a while now and it's contributed to the person that I had myself become. I've wanted to die on many occasions and went into some dark times because of it. If anything, I want the hope and desire to get back up again. To live again. Become like the child that finds presents under the Christmas tree on Christmas day, because they knew the day before that something great was coming if they waited for that extra day. They believed it with all their heart Santa was going to give them what they wanted. It may be a poor comparison, but I think everyone should feel this way if they truly want something to come true and believe it with all of their heart. It's clique and getting harder to do as time goes on, I know. But I want just that, maybe even greater. Nobody needs to know as to what the desires I'm hoping for are or do I see the need to explain myself. I'm wanting to take the chance to have it happen while hoping. Nobody's going to say anything or judge me and have it dictate as to where I'm going.
So I'm going to do just that. A new beginning. This time I'm going to actually do it.
This is only taking one portion out of many that makes me feel the way that I do. Sometimes it literally still carries around with me. Deep down, I just don't want to waste my life anymore. I want my brain programmed to not think that anything is a danger that reminded me of my past in some shape or form. I really do need to take a long look at myself because as of right now, there isn't much to really say to the person that reflects back from the mirror. All that is asked right now is, "What are you going to do?"
An act to live can sometimes take strength as much as wanting to die. So many things have died in me for a while now and it's contributed to the person that I had myself become. I've wanted to die on many occasions and went into some dark times because of it. If anything, I want the hope and desire to get back up again. To live again. Become like the child that finds presents under the Christmas tree on Christmas day, because they knew the day before that something great was coming if they waited for that extra day. They believed it with all their heart Santa was going to give them what they wanted. It may be a poor comparison, but I think everyone should feel this way if they truly want something to come true and believe it with all of their heart. It's clique and getting harder to do as time goes on, I know. But I want just that, maybe even greater. Nobody needs to know as to what the desires I'm hoping for are or do I see the need to explain myself. I'm wanting to take the chance to have it happen while hoping. Nobody's going to say anything or judge me and have it dictate as to where I'm going.
So I'm going to do just that. A new beginning. This time I'm going to actually do it.