A plea from an introvert, to the introverts :)

[Ugly]

Okay, I'm not an introvert. I'm a jerk.

Maybe you and wisebeardman should be friends then.

http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/138924-yep-im-mean-nasty-jerk.html

haha, couldn't resist. /halo

Perhaps you just have had a long misunderstanding of yourself and this is how you have reacted to it? Or it could be that enough people have hurt you that you have distanced yourself as a form of protection from being hurt again.

Like wisebeardman. No one here actually thinks he's a jerk. He is just a normal guy who's had a lot of crappy things happen to him. This causes him to view himself in a negative manner. So he acts out of this belief, in an attempt to prove, mostly to himself, but to others as well, that he is as bad of a person as he tells himself. He does this to protect himself from others, because it's too scary to open up and be vulnerable and risk being hurt again.
The sad thing is, and i can personally attest to this, that in the long run, you heap more misery on yourself than has been put on you. And you Will end up alone, and hating it. Not because you're a bad person, but because if you push people away long enough and hard enough, eventually it will work. And not because people don't care, but because all people have limits. We can't offer love the way God can. And this only serves as a reinforcement of the false belief you are no good, while missing the truth of the situation, that you got what you asked for.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

I won't go into a long explanation, but I'm an Aspie, so relating to other people and understanding emotions and social norms is not in my wheelhouse. I don't understand my ow emotions, ad other peoples' emotions are just a total mystery to me. I've tried and tried, and tried to get help, but in the end, the best result is for me to be a loner. Maybe that's the term that suits me best - loner. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

 

[AsifinPassing]

As with most thing's in life, it's a balance we have to find.

 

[cinder]

I won't go into a long explanation, but I'm an Aspie, so relating to other people and understanding emotions and social norms is not in my wheelhouse. I don't understand my ow emotions, ad other peoples' emotions are just a total mystery to me. I've tried and tried, and tried to get help, but in the end, the best result is for me to be a loner. Maybe that's the term that suits me best - loner. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

That's another common misconception: that people who have difficulty understanding emotions, social norms, body language, etc are mean, nasty, jerkish people. Being socially awkward does not make anyone a nasty jerk, even if they come across as insensitive at times. Nasty jerk is a more of either a premeditated deliberate antagonism against someone or else treating someone like they have no value after leading them to believe that they were someone you valued.

 

[Ugly]

I won't go into a long explanation, but I'm an Aspie, so relating to other people and understanding emotions and social norms is not in my wheelhouse. I don't understand my ow emotions, ad other peoples' emotions are just a total mystery to me. I've tried and tried, and tried to get help, but in the end, the best result is for me to be a loner. Maybe that's the term that suits me best - loner. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I am a highly introspective introvert that loves reading people. I have a knack for it. I have a knack for some aspects of psychology. I love figuring out how people work, why they do what they do. And that includes myself. I've been seeing a counselor for 3 years now. I can be sympathetic and empathetic, though i rarely show that side to others.
Guess what. I don't understand my own emotions either. I am constantly confused by myself and some of the things i do. And some things i've spent 20 years trying to understand just to finally begin to have some light shed on them.

And having Aspergers doesn't require you to be a loner. Yes, there are some things you may never understand in regards to these areas. But it's a cop out to say 'i'm a loner'. What that really means is 'it's too hard and i'm too afraid to find another way around this'.
You could start out by having a pre-scripted explanation of what it's like to be friends with you, or to interact with you, and why it will be that way. That way, if things start going badly, you can have this ready to help people understand and be more patient about things with you.
You can still learn what sorts of things are viewed negatively in social norms, so that, even if you can't understand it, you can know that it is something that won't go over well, and not say it or do it.

I'm not trying to make it sound like i have all the answers or can entirely understand what you're going through. I don't know everything you've tried already. I'm just trying to encourage you to not give up and close up, but to seek ways that can be tailored to you, that could be helpful. You may not ever have the capacity to understand your own feelings, or that of others, but that doesn't mean you go hide under a rock. If you really want it, you'll push through.

I've had depression since i was 14. I've had times of severe depression. But during those times i managed to go to a job, even though all i wanted to do was wallow in a dark room on a bed and mull over how horrible life was. I just went to work and did it instead haha. I've had times i wanted to die. Where i felt hopeless. I still get like that now. But every day i wake up and face the day. Most days i come on here and try to help at least one person, even though i can't see the good in myself or my own life. And i have a lot to be depressed about, i don't need to have a chemical imbalance. But i have both. And i'm still here. And i've stuck with God, even if some days it was by a thread.
If someone like me can persist, then there's no reason for you to give up either. We both have things in our lives that can hold us back. And while my life may not be what it could or i wish it was, i'm still here and pushing on. So why not give up the loner shtick and start using that intelligence that people with Aspergers are known for having, and come up with some ways for you to make things in your life better?

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

I appreciate the help, but I've said all I want to on this topic.

 

[A_Friend_In_Christ]

I am an introvert, but not by choice. I would rather be an outgoing person who knows how to have fun and likes being with people.

I am a work in progress...

 

[Willie-T]

I am an introvert, but not by choice. I would rather be an outgoing person who knows how to have fun and likes being with people.

I am a work in progress...

Just as a matter of curiosity, what is your assessment of what is keeping you from realizing that goal?

 

[Fenner]

I won't go into a long explanation, but I'm an Aspie, so relating to other people and understanding emotions and social norms is not in my wheelhouse. I don't understand my ow emotions, ad other peoples' emotions are just a total mystery to me. I've tried and tried, and tried to get help, but in the end, the best result is for me to be a loner. Maybe that's the term that suits me best - loner. I don't know. It doesn't matter.[/QUOT

I think being a loner really isn't a great thing for a person with Asperges. The good thing is we know much more about Asperges now.

I imagine you're highly intelligent and like to use your brain for cool Math and logical thinking. Maybe I'm wrong but I bet you have a lot to offer friends and colleagues and the world in general.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

*shrug* Maybe. Few people have the patience and understanding of Asperger's and what it means in terms of how people with that aspect of the Autism scale function. By and large, I have found people to expect others to be and act like they do, and if there is something outside their narrow field of view, they don't try to figure it out.

As for the science, math, and logic, most definitely. Sometimes to my detriment. I can get lost in details, especially when I am working on my Mathematics proofs for my degree I am pursuing. I will push them way, way, way past where they need to be and that's just an aspect of my functioning.

It's not to say I have never had friends, because I have, but not close, and not for long terms. I've even had romantic relationships, but again not long or very meaningful. I like to quip that fractal geometry is easier for me to figure out than whether or not someone is being friendly.

 

[willfollowsGod]

I am an introvert as well and have Asperger's Syndrome as well, whether one is connected to the other one or I would be an introvert without having Asperger's Syndrome is a what-if and what I really do not think about much. As for math, I can't stand it. I like history and science, though I am bad at math when I have to do science. Though I find science fascinating seeing how complex the earth, the world around us, etc is. Contrary to the evolutionists, I see the hand of God in animals, humans, and other things, a kind of complexity that nature did not create and did not form by chance. But I also am foremost a Christian and I like to see that the world is not a cold, materialistic one where the only purpose for life is to be born, to go to school, to graduate, to go to another school, to graduate, to get a job, to make it, to then be miserable due to that, to compare myself to someone else and be envious of them, to engage in every elicit desire possible, and then die a natural death. I see the world as a Christians sees it, where there is almost always a collision of two worlds, the supernatural (God, angels, demons, Satan) and the natural. In fact, I find it interesting that a lot of the crimes, sins, etc started with a thought and then the person decided to act on the thought, leading to some complex changes whether for good or bad, whether it affects people globally or their sphere of friends, whether it affects them more than others, etc. God bless, you introverts and extroverts alike. God bless. Have a beautiful day!

 

[Ugly]

*shrug* Maybe. Few people have the patience and understanding of Asperger's and what it means in terms of how people with that aspect of the Autism scale function. By and large, I have found people to expect others to be and act like they do, and if there is something outside their narrow field of view, they don't try to figure it out.

My ex-gf had ADHD/OCD. Each one has a strong effect on her behavior and thinking, and can cause her to step outside the boundaries of 'normal' behavior. And she seems to struggle a lot with friendships. She has many friends that she's known for years, but she doesn't often speak to them let alone see them. And she does well with them. But people in her day to day life see every effect of her conditions. It seems to affect her ability to get close, i mean really close with people. Or to maintain that closeness for a long time. We are still friends and i have been through hell to maintain that friendship. One day she will talk about getting back together, then another day we'll have an argument and she'll say she never wants to see me again.

Most people, as you said, won't take the time to understand what you're dealing with and how it affects you and the way you interact with others. Because really, it's not an easy thing to do. I had to spend hours reading and watching videos to understand my ex's issues and how i should go about handling her when they arise. But that isn't to say no one ever will. Or that you won't meet someone that already has that understanding.

And i saw your other post, no one called you a jerk, or even implied it. You read into my earlier post and formed that in your own mind. Clearly i was not talking about people who have disorders that alter their behavior, yet you assumed that's what i was saying. I do not hold my ex to the same standards i would most people, because she has issues that affect how she acts, so i do my best to understand and accommodate that. The same would apply to you, but i didn't think of stating that, since that was really not on topic.

 

[Willie-T]

My ex-gf had ADHD/OCD. Each one has a strong effect on her behavior and thinking, and can cause her to step outside the boundaries of 'normal' behavior. And she seems to struggle a lot with friendships. She has many friends that she's known for years, but she doesn't often speak to them let alone see them. And she does well with them. But people in her day to day life see every effect of her conditions. It seems to affect her ability to get close, i mean really close with people. Or to maintain that closeness for a long time. We are still friends and i have been through hell to maintain that friendship. One day she will talk about getting back together, then another day we'll have an argument and she'll say she never wants to see me again.

Most people, as you said, won't take the time to understand what you're dealing with and how it affects you and the way you interact with others. Because really, it's not an easy thing to do. I had to spend hours reading and watching videos to understand my ex's issues and how i should go about handling her when they arise. But that isn't to say no one ever will. Or that you won't meet someone that already has that understanding.

And i saw your other post, no one called you a jerk, or even implied it. You read into my earlier post and formed that in your own mind. Clearly i was not talking about people who have disorders that alter their behavior, yet you assumed that's what i was saying. I do not hold my ex to the same standards i would most people, because she has issues that affect how she acts, so i do my best to understand and accommodate that. The same would apply to you, but i didn't think of stating that, since that was really not on topic.

Good post. (And my compliments on being one of the rare people in our society who know how to properly use "affect" and "effect.")

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

And i saw your other post, no one called you a jerk, or even implied it. You read into my earlier post and formed that in your own mind. Clearly i was not talking about people who have disorders that alter their behavior, yet you assumed that's what i was saying. I do not hold my ex to the same standards i would most people, because she has issues that affect how she acts, so i do my best to understand and accommodate that. The same would apply to you, but i didn't think of stating that, since that was really not on topic.

I was being facetious. I don't think you implied I was or am a jerk. We don't know each other well enough for that kind of personality assessment to be made.

 

[Ugly]

I was being facetious. I don't think you implied I was or am a jerk. We don't know each other well enough for that kind of personality assessment to be made.

Well, i saw in another, unrelated thread, that you had said this as well. This is why i figured you were serious.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

Hard to know how something is meant when it's just words on a screen innit?

For me it's the same way IRL. Without overt gestures and wild mannerisms, I can't tell if someone is serious, joking, happy, sad, etc.

 

[Faith-n-Christ]

I can relate to many comments on here. I prefer being alone, because few understand me. even as a child, class president, team captain, The in crowd. But I was not happy being that. I sought deep friendships, not senseless banter. I stood up for the little guy, was protective. Put me in a crowd and I am uncomfortable. I do not know what to say. I am not shy, I work in an ER and talk with emotional people all day long. I care about the pain and hurt they go through. But my coworkers it is a different story. It feels like high school again. all the senseless gossip, and empty words. I am not a worldly person, so many topics do not interest me. I would be content in a cabin out in the woods, or a ranch or farm. With the ones I love. Small personal groups I enjoy, large crowds I do not. I do get lonely from time to time for a companion, but then I turn to the Lord to fill that void. When and if it is his will, he will send the man he made for me and i for him. I was married to a person pleaser. He would rather be out with his buddies than home with his family. I enjoy working with my man on a project. just to spend some time with him. woodworking, remodel, gardening, riding horses. I am an outside person. I love nature. He was not like me, he had to have the attention. the acceptance of others. I did not. I would rather be alone or in the company of loved ones. I am the way I am. I am polite and kind, but will not try to change who I am. I enjoy the woman God made. I do not want to fit in. Yes sometimes the world makes me feel like an outcast. But then I remember, they did that to Jesus as well. I have learned it is better to allow the Lord to shape me, than for me allow the world to try and change me. I know the Lord does not want me to go it alone. None of us are. I have found a small group of Christian women. We meet up from time to time. pray for each other, have bible studies, ect.. I used to think something was wrong with me. That the problem was mine. even when I first came here. I was lonely, a car wreck left me home. When I came here, and still today, I am not a joking, goofy person. when I sign on to chat few say hello to me. I am OK with that. because the ones that do talk with me, get to know who I am, and enjoy me for me. I have layers, and the few that take the time to know me, learn I am a deep, passionate person. I would rather have few very good, true, loving friends, that accept me for me, than a lot who want to change me, and will never be there in rough times. I am not shallow. I can be blunt, and always try to be honest. It has taken me many years to love who I am. I had to first learn my value, and my value is that my Lord loved me so much he died for me. My father knew my name before I was even born. I am loved for who and what I am, my Lord loves me the way I am, and if anything needs changing, he will change it. He is my maker, not this world.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

You sound complex, and deep, and cool.

 

[Faith-n-Christ]

Thanks, lol and all over the place. This deep mind thinks faster than my hands can type.

 

[Simmergirl]

I'm also a introvert