a question for the men

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girlnextdoor

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I know that I am not a very good communicator. I try to get my point across and often I don't so I try to be very patient because I know it is usually my fault when a misunderstanding happens. I am very quiet and often speak only when spoken to. That said.........I have a VERY hard time getting men to open up and talk about their real thoughts and feelings. I've been doing some "research" online and I have been told it's my fault that I can't get men to open up.......but in order to find out what I can do right or what I'm doing wrong I must send three payments of 39.99 to buy whatever product is being sold..........So you wonderful christian men out there do you have any advice? What can a lady do to help you to open up to her?
 
First of all, cast all your cares and anxieties on the LORD. Make your requests known to Him through prayer and petition. (Here comes the promise) And the peace of God with transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. He will care for you, God will not let the righteous stumble. -Psalm 55:22 & Philippians 4:6

Save your money. The whole, "You're not good enough, you're broken and need fixed" marketing scam preys on fears and insecurities. It often takes very minor issues and blows them out of proportion to make you feel the urgent need to part with your money.
If you care so much about a man having to 'open up and express his feelings' then maybe it's time for you to look at things from a mans perspective. Men often like to know they can be trusted to sorts things out by themselves. A woman who is curious and prying can often be annoying. Instead, let him know you do care but trust him to communicate with you if and when he wants. This respect and confidence is important to men. We are different to women and it is important to co-operate with these differences and not conflict with them.
It is in men's nature to be less 'chatty' then women. We still care and feel deeply, but about different areas in life and in different ways. As a generalization, we are more focused on the logical and rational approach, we are mission orientated and thrive on quantifiable results. Women balance these attributes in us with their ability to appreciate and create atmospheres and with their greater sensitivity to emotional needs and well being. There is of course cross over in these attributes.
Try to observe the man in question unobtrusively. Does he have habits that reveal his 'thoughts and feelings'? Some chop firewood or mow the lawns or have a hobby that gives them time to think. This may give you some insight that could help your woman's intuition.

Now, go to God on your knees and ask Him His will for you. Hear His word for you. Faith comes from hearing. Allow the Word to become flesh in your life and you will move mountains. God bless.
 
Hi!
I think you just need to improve your self-esteem a little and work on your communication skills. From what I've seen people tend to open more easily to those who are confident and open.
 
Let's see, hopefully this doesn't become too long...

1) Remember that there are going to be guys very much like you (shy). With these guys, it seems like it would take much more work from both of you to really achieve a line of open communication. Maybe good friend material, but not the best boyfriend material for you?

2) Communication requires trust. A lot of people have their own trust issues. In fact, I think it's probably safe to say that there are very few people who are quickly trusting. It often takes time to develop that trust, especially on both sides.

Mostly I guess what I'm suggesting is to pull, don't push. Draw them in, pull them closer to you; spend time with them as casually as you can. You'll be able to understand their personality better and understand whether '1' will be an issue. As you spend more time with them, the trust will grow. They will get to know you too; know that you desire to know their feelings, know that you are trustworthy. Confronting them, pushing them, to tell you their feelings will do exactly that, push them...away. For me personally, I have no problem with a poor communicator as long as they are willing to stick with it and make sure that they are eventually understood. In fact, at some level (to me) a woman that recognizes her short comings and is willing to work on them as part of our relationship would be more attractive than a pretty perfect princess.

Above all else, seek God. It's easy to kind of hide your relationship with God as you focus your attentions on a guy (or on finding a guy). In the end, God knows what is best for you. He will provide for you, and He will provide for you perfectly. Fighting Him, or seeking your own desires will likely just bring pain.
 
One of the key things you need to understand about the average guy is they are not known for opening up. Some are too macho, some too shy, some may be emotionally wounded... but its definitely not uncommon. And its not your fault. And even just because a man loves you does not mean he's magically going to open up either. It is possible to get some men to open up, or more open. It takes time, trust, and figuring how to handle it in regards to why he's like that.
Though if you're an ultra shy/quiet type that's likely to make it much harder. Firstly it may make a man feel you're not one to open up either.
Honestly you're better off waiting for a guy that's able to be more open than you are trying to change a guy into your specifications. Also, you need to keep your expectations in check. Expecting a guy to be as open as a woman may not be realistic. Sure, there are some out there that can, but again, the that is not the makeup of the average guy .
I'd say you're better off working on speaking up more yourself. Not that you need to become outgoing, but if sounds as though your quietness is a bit extreme, and could even possibly be a determent in the long run. Lean to talk. If you aren't willing to do it, should you expect it from someone else?
 
Most guys I know including myself usually open up better/easier if we're doing something. Girls tend to drop everything, face each other, then speak towards each other. Guys of all ages (studies have shown this) tend not to look at each other when speaking and usually do something else while talking. My suggestion is to go on a walk and just be yourself, ask pertinent questions etc. If you sit on the couch and start putting him on the spot he'll close up.
 
The best way to get anyone to open up to you is by opening up yourself. The caution with that is you may not have enough trust to do that right away. It takes some time, but if the guy still isn't reciprocating than that's his fault not yours. That's one of the few useful things I've learned from being a psych major for a while. And believe me, it's true and sure fire. --Brandon777 at your service :)
 
flapalms239 said:
Most guys I know including myself usually open up better/easier if we're doing something. Girls tend to drop everything, face each other, then speak towards each other. Guys of all ages (studies have shown this) tend not to look at each other when speaking and usually do something else while talking. My suggestion is to go on a walk and just be yourself, ask pertinent questions etc. If you sit on the couch and start putting him on the spot he'll close up.
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I agree! This is a great analysis.
 
Thanks guys, you've given me alot to think about and taught me a thing or two. I hope this thread has been helpful to other ladies as well.
 
girlnextdoor said:
I know that I am not a very good communicator... I am very quiet and often speak only when spoken to. That said.........I have a VERY hard time getting men to open up and talk about their real thoughts and feelings.
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I suppose you talk a little more about your own feelings then. Why expect a lot of openess from others if you are not very open yourself?

Most things in life falls on this simple and wellknown rule: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". (Something we all struggle with, and fall short of).

But if you want people to smile at you, why not start smiling at them.
 
Well I certainly won't be opening up to a women anytime soon. Been there done that and paid a very heavy price indeed.

Current defence status=DEFCON 3
 
It really is hard putting ourselves out there. I'm sorry you were hurt firewire.
 
girlnextdoor said:
I know that I am not a very good communicator. I try to get my point across and often I don't so I try to be very patient because I know it is usually my fault when a misunderstanding happens. I am very quiet and often speak only when spoken to. That said.........I have a VERY hard time getting men to open up and talk about their real thoughts and feelings. I've been doing some "research" online and I have been told it's my fault that I can't get men to open up.......but in order to find out what I can do right or what I'm doing wrong I must send three payments of 39.99 to buy whatever product is being sold..........So you wonderful christian men out there do you have any advice? What can a lady do to help you to open up to her?
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o.O i kinda dont belive that u r 39 years old (no offense)
 
I guess i have a similar issue as you .. being quiet and spoken only when spoken to. During my childhood, my parents would yell and fight a lot with each other and I developed a speech impediment. I'm a stutterer but I manage to hide it well sometimes.. for example, replacing words that I can't say with other words.. which is a really bad habit. and of course there's time i even trip up on words and people around me give me strange faces or laugh at me. it's something that bothers me up to this day and i know it has to do with my self confidence.

Things were easier when i was drinking alcohol in social settings but i realize that it's temporary. Now I just pray to God each day that my speech will improve. There are good days and there are bad days. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to anyone. It has truly affected my personality and occupational choices, but it is something that I can't change overnight. I just have to accept and work on it each day..
 
Laugh your way to a better marriage....good series that'll largely explain.

That being said, it depends.

Everyone is different, but I find that being truly open in just the confines of friendship...or less...is quite rare.

That being said, I don't believe it's your fault. Being shy may play a factor, naturally, but don't blame yourself.

Now...short lesson for everyone about men and women.

Women, by and large, are subtle communicators who drop hints, use body language, ext.

Men are not. (in general). So, unless you're direct, communication will prove difficult.

There are always exceptions, but remember, this is a quantitative, not qualitative, statement.

^_^
 
That's very true AsifinPassing and it can be difficult to figure out whether a woman likes a guy or is just being nice (if that's possible with the "modern" woman).

Some however play games to the effect of "let's see if we can attract this guy then act like we're not interested".

A very confusing business (and one that I don't participate in).
 
Be like a guy... do all the stuff he likes doing, even the stuff you dont understand... trustme that'll work!!!
 
asd101:D that is just stupid.that means she should be somebody else and not herself:D if a guy does not like me - just the way i am - that is his problem:D
 
No it isnt, it works... Not talking aboutif the guy likes you or not, he will not open up to you readily, he ain't a chick... Whereas girls will open up more readily than a dude...
 
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