A Questioning Child of Very Religious Parents

[seaco711]

So here's the deal... I used to be very religious. I went to church all the time, and genuinely believed what I had been taught by my parents and church leaders about Christianity. I even frequented this site a lot. Over the past few years (I'm 20 - so since later high school, or around 17), I've started to have a lot of doubts about the religion as a whole, and I'm dating someone who is in pretty much the same position as me.
My parents are obviously not happy that I am losing faith in beliefs I once held very close. They are also unhappy that I am dating someone who is in the same position. They act like they don't care to get to know her, and are completely unsupportive, and that hurts. I know I am a younger adult, but I feel that I have a certain right to believe what I wish and have whatever partner I wish. With that being said, what I basically want to know is this: How do I get my parents to understand that I want and need advice and support, and that by constantly getting upset over my decisions they put me in a situation where it is very hard for me to be my own person? Additionally, on the dating front, I cannot date someone that my parents will not support a relationship with for an extended period of time. How do I express to them that I really need their support? If this relationship fails only because they are not willing to support me in it, I know I will bear a lot of resentment towards them. How can I avoid this? I've already tried to talk through this with them, but they will not let it go. I really feel like at my age, they should speak their advice a few times, but if it continues to be hurtful as they do it over and over and over, they should just let me make my own decisions while being supportive of me.
Any advice that anyone could offer from a more "religious" perspective would be helpful.

Caveat: If you can restrain yourselves, please do not respond with with attempts to get me to recommit myself more fully to Christianity. That's really not what I'm asking about; it's simply pertinent to the real question: the issue of my relationship with my parents.

Thanks.

 

[episcopotic]

As far as I can tell, even if you read your parents' minds and did exactly as they would have liked, the issue with most parents is that they're losing control. It's a necessary, terrifying growing phase in the relationship. If you try to control their responses, that's even scarier.

To the extent that you can, give them some space in which to figure this out. More than you need their approval or support, they need time. Show them through experience, not conversation, that you're not going to suddenly freak out. They will nag incessantly and perhaps eternally, no matter what sequence of words comes out of your mouth.

My own parents didn't support me while dating and, a few years into the marriage, my father-in-law is still telling me men aren't built for monogamy and that's why we'll fail. You'll find, I suspect, that you don't necessarily need their support and trying to extort it from them just makes things worse.

 

[Bushido8000]

So here's the deal... I used to be very religious. I went to church all the time, and genuinely believed what I had been taught by my parents and church leaders about Christianity. I even frequented this site a lot. Over the past few years (I'm 20 - so since later high school, or around 17), I've started to have a lot of doubts about the religion as a whole, and I'm dating someone who is in pretty much the same position as me.
My parents are obviously not happy that I am losing faith in beliefs I once held very close. They are also unhappy that I am dating someone who is in the same position. They act like they don't care to get to know her, and are completely unsupportive, and that hurts. I know I am a younger adult, but I feel that I have a certain right to believe what I wish and have whatever partner I wish. With that being said, what I basically want to know is this: How do I get my parents to understand that I want and need advice and support, and that by constantly getting upset over my decisions they put me in a situation where it is very hard for me to be my own person? Additionally, on the dating front, I cannot date someone that my parents will not support a relationship with for an extended period of time. How do I express to them that I really need their support? If this relationship fails only because they are not willing to support me in it, I know I will bear a lot of resentment towards them. How can I avoid this? I've already tried to talk through this with them, but they will not let it go. I really feel like at my age, they should speak their advice a few times, but if it continues to be hurtful as they do it over and over and over, they should just let me make my own decisions while being supportive of me.
Any advice that anyone could offer from a more "religious" perspective would be helpful.

Caveat: If you can restrain yourselves, please do not respond with with attempts to get me to recommit myself more fully to Christianity. That's really not what I'm asking about; it's simply pertinent to the real question: the issue of my relationship with my parents.

Thanks.

Parents will always want you to have their beliefs. I would like to address the confusion of your feelings about Christianity. I find that, a lot of the time, confusion comes from churches and not from actual Christianity. My advice would be to read the Bible, the whole Bible, in chronological order, and see how you feel. I say this because I know that confusion about your spiritual beliefs HURTS. I found that my old church gave me nothing but confusion and it was only God who gave me clarity.

 

[seaco711]

Thanks... I know that I don't necessarily "need" my parents' support, but I feel that women (a little) more than men need emotional support. This makes it especially hard for my girlfriend who really feels that my parents don't support her at all. I can't imagine how hard that would be. I'm not trying to control their actions per se; I just wish they would support me (and us). But with that being said, I know they need time. I'm just trying to give that to them, and with me being the oldest child, I know that's hard for them; it's just hard for me too! lol. Thanks again.

As far as I can tell, even if you read your parents' minds and did exactly as they would have liked, the issue with most parents is that they're losing control. It's a necessary, terrifying growing phase in the relationship. If you try to control their responses, that's even scarier.

To the extent that you can, give them some space in which to figure this out. More than you need their approval or support, they need time. Show them through experience, not conversation, that you're not going to suddenly freak out. They will nag incessantly and perhaps eternally, no matter what sequence of words comes out of your mouth.

My own parents didn't support me while dating and, a few years into the marriage, my father-in-law is still telling me men aren't built for monogamy and that's why we'll fail. You'll find, I suspect, that you don't necessarily need their support and trying to extort it from them just makes things worse.

 

[seaco711]

Yeah... I wish I could, but my schedule really doesn't allow me to read much of the Bible, much less the whole thing (assuming I even really wanted to). I've been involved in church since I was really little though, so I've been fairly exposed, and from what I can see, most people use the Bible and take things out of context and spin them to support their beliefs, like they have for thousands of years, and it really reduces my faith in the document as a whole to be perfectly honest.

Parents will always want you to have their beliefs. I would like to address the confusion of your feelings about Christianity. I find that, a lot of the time, confusion comes from churches and not from actual Christianity. My advice would be to read the Bible, the whole Bible, in chronological order, and see how you feel. I say this because I know that confusion about your spiritual beliefs HURTS. I found that my old church gave me nothing but confusion and it was only God who gave me clarity.

 

[DownUnder]

At age 20 yrs, your relationship with God, is between you and God. While I understand your parents concern, they have to accept this. And so do you. So this means you are responsible for your own relationship with God & have to make your own choices & are free to, through your God given right to free will.

Try to keep a good relationship with your parents, if they love you, they will also. Rejecting the one you love does not help, rather, if they accept you love this person, and are accepting, then they show by their actions that Christianity is not 'exclusive'. Explain to them that if they accepted them, then just perhaps you and the one you love might be more inclined to be 'in the church, than out'? Christ never 'rejected' people. That as adults, you and the one you love have to find your own way to God.

As for your feelings about God, sometimes, some churches, can push people away. Don't let this happen to you, your relationship with God, is between you and Him, it is personal. You don't have to read the whole Bible chronologically, but don't put it away from you entirely, pick it up and read it, especially when it comes to certain situations in your life. God speaks wisdom & can help you. He speaks it to the individual heart because none of us can be responsible for the decisions of another. We all make our own choices ultimately.There is false teaching out there, that is why we each have to listen to God as individuals, to seek His truth, not man's.

I really hope you resolve this, that your relationship with your parents remains one of love, and pray you do not give up on God, because we do need Him & can trust Him without question to love us and know what is best for us.

All love, peace & blessings!

 

[redemption]

I want to direct you to creationministries.org. Just because I thought of it as I read your post. God bless you & I'll pray for your relationship with your folks.

 

[psychomom]

It definitely is difficult for parents as their kiddos mature and grow older. We go from controlling what you do (as when you were infants through age 14 or so) to directing, to suggesting and advising. This is hard enough when it comes to which college, jobs, etc. But, child! you're talking about your faith; your eternal soul! This is no small thing!
If your parents love you, of course they would "freak out" over this, you see? They may be horribly controlling, IDK, or they may simply love you so much that, in their belief, you are in danger and they don't want anything bad to happen to you. Ever. And, if you know the scriptures from your childhood, they would be concerned about your g/f's lack of faith in Christ because a)she won't be helping you to find a true and living faith in the Lord, b)won't be influencing you to do righteous things, and c)there's the matter os being unequally yoked.(if they believe you to be redeemed but in rebellion to the Lord, and they think she may not be saved)
I'm fairly certain there is some issue with them over simply not knowing how to change the way they deal with you now that you are older, especially if you are the oldest of their children. Just as you came with no instruction booklet and they had to figure out how to deal with you/care for you when you were small, so they have no way to know how to make that shift now. None of us parents do. I know it took until my fourth child was 19 that I even began to get better at it, and that was merely the result of practice, and learning from my own mistakes. You have (yet) no idea how difficult it is to watch your child do something you know will hurt them, and say nothing; be able to do nothing.

I tell you all this because you are asking for their unconditional support, and you want them to see through your eyes, but you're not trying to look at things from their perspective, that I am able to see. (if you have done this, I sincerely apologize!!)
And though we ought to (and as parents normally do ) love our children without condition, supporting their choices unconditionally seems to be a thing expected by the young adults of this day, and there is resentment when is isn't gotten. But, if you look at it in terms of any other relationship, this is unreasonable. For instance, would you say to a friend, hey, I see you're becoming a crack addict. Any way I can help with that? I support your choice, bud! Of course not, it's ludicrous. Or to an unlicensed or intoxicated sibling, sure! take my car, no problem? I support your decision to drive!
So it is with parents when we see our adult children making (what we perceive to be) dangerous choices. And if you know anything about this faith in which you were raised, you know this must seem very dangerous to them. To support you in this is to turn their backs on the One who purchased them, and is their Lord. They can't love you more than they do Him, and that could be another issue.

Okay, all that said (and if you're even still reading at this point! lol) there is a book that was really helpful to me in this area. It's for parents of adolescents, but I got some good advice from it regarding my kiddos (then) in their 20s, too. And it's by a Christian author, and that might make it more accpetable to your folks. Perhaps you might buy 2 copies of it, and ask that the 3 of you might read it and discuss its ideas. It's called "Losing Control and Liking It- (how to set your teen free)" written by Tim Sanford. It's readily available from Amazon, and not very pricey. We as parents have no one to guide us through this process, normally, and need all the help we can get!

I will be in prayer for you all, and I hope you won't mind that I ask the Lord for you to end this time of searching (which is a normal thing to do at your age, btw) with a decision to return to Him, or, if you haven't yet been redeemed, to seek Him for salvation. I'll ask the Lord to aid your parents in trusting Him with your life. And I'll ask that they remember what it's like to be your age. And that you may all see through one another's eyes, and give grace to one another. I thank you for patiently reading all this, too!
~ellie

 

[seaco711]

Thanks, everyone, for your positive advice. After so many of the threads I've seen on here I honestly didn't expect it. Do any of you think going to a family counseling session (or sessions) would be a good idea? My mom actually suggested it for my religion "problem," but I think it could be something positive for all of us.

Ellie - thank you for your advice; I did actually read all of it lol. I know my parents are scared, and I completely understand why. A few years ago, if one of my friends had been saying the things I say now, I would have been scared for them as well. However, I don't expect unconditional acceptance or support of my decisions, but I do expect unconditional acceptance and support of me as their son, and I don't feel that I get that. I want to feel like they want me to be happy, but I feel like they want me to be happy IF I do it by doing certain things they approve of. Again, that argument can be extrapolated to something like "I enjoy doing drugs, and I just want my parents to want me to be happy," but I don't think what I'm doing falls in the same category. I am going to a great school, making excellent grades, and have a solid plan laid out for the next few years of my life. My girlfriend just graduated with high honors, and is attending one of the top law schools in the country. We aren't drug addicts or anything. We are successful individuals that simply have differing opinions on religion. I know in my parents' eyes that really scares them, but I really don't know how to circumvent that when it doesn't really worry me much.

 

[GOD_IS_LOVE]

It seems you want freedom but you don't have the strength to stand your ground. Your parents should understand that Christianity is not about believing a set of doctrines, but about a personal relationship with God, and no one can force that onto anyone.

 

[Lucy68]

So here's the deal... I used to be very religious. I went to church all the time, and genuinely believed what I had been taught by my parents and church leaders about Christianity. I even frequented this site a lot. Over the past few years (I'm 20 - so since later high school, or around 17), I've started to have a lot of doubts about the religion as a whole, and I'm dating someone who is in pretty much the same position as me.
My parents are obviously not happy that I am losing faith in beliefs I once held very close. They are also unhappy that I am dating someone who is in the same position. They act like they don't care to get to know her, and are completely unsupportive, and that hurts. I know I am a younger adult, but I feel that I have a certain right to believe what I wish and have whatever partner I wish. With that being said, what I basically want to know is this: How do I get my parents to understand that I want and need advice and support, and that by constantly getting upset over my decisions they put me in a situation where it is very hard for me to be my own person? Additionally, on the dating front, I cannot date someone that my parents will not support a relationship with for an extended period of time. How do I express to them that I really need their support? If this relationship fails only because they are not willing to support me in it, I know I will bear a lot of resentment towards them. How can I avoid this? I've already tried to talk through this with them, but they will not let it go. I really feel like at my age, they should speak their advice a few times, but if it continues to be hurtful as they do it over and over and over, they should just let me make my own decisions while being supportive of me.
Any advice that anyone could offer from a more "religious" perspective would be helpful.

Caveat: If you can restrain yourselves, please do not respond with with attempts to get me to recommit myself more fully to Christianity. That's really not what I'm asking about; it's simply pertinent to the real question: the issue of my relationship with my parents.

Thanks.

Yes, this is a very hard thing to go through. My husband and I raised our children with what we thought was a strong Christian faith but I don't think it 'took'. At least not yet. But the seeds are planted and we're hoping that they will be watered and will sprout.

Children have to grow a faith of their own. The world is very enticing and every individual needs to decide on their own, who they're going to believe.

So yes, your parents need to respect your right to choose for yourself. But try to look at it from their perspective also. As Christian parents, we feel a God-given duty to teach our children to believe in Him. That is so ingrained in us and we have such a tremendous love for our children that it is a hard thing to let go of.

Another perspective....I was an unbeliever when I married my believing husband. I came to faith through his family. I hate to think of where I'd be without their Christian influence. What if they had totally rejected me because I wasn't a Christian?

Wow, what a lot to think about

They may not be able to 'support' you in your choices because they disagree with them; but eventually they will come to accept them as your own choices. And you need to accept the fact that they can't 'support' them.

We're going through a similar situation with our 20 yr old daughter. Her choices have not been good.... they are contrary to the moral teachings we gave her. Yet, we still love her and help her in her education and we communicate regularly. She's learning a lot living on her own and learning to live with the consequences of her choices. We help when it's a good idea but also we also let her experience consequences.

That's probably more info than you wanted to hear

Try to remain on as good as terms as possible with your parents. Families go through hard times, it's just part of life. The Christian teaching on forgiveness and compassion really helps us get through these rough patches .

 

[greatblue]

Do any of you think going to a family counseling session (or sessions) would be a good idea? My mom actually suggested it for my religion "problem," but I think it could be something positive for all of us.

Counseling is an excellent step to resolving the different levels of conflict that you all seem to be facing right now. Have you thought about all of these?

There's you and your faith (maybe shaky).
There's you feeling about your parents' fear about said shakiness.
There's your parents' fear of your shakiness expounded on by a relationship with another shook person.
There's your parents fear about that person and all their prayers for "your Godly future".
There's your person's feelings about your parents who aren't overly accepting.
There's your person's own internal thoughts on faith and Godliness.
There's your person's fears about what you think about all of the above.

I used to be a crazy teenager on drugs and doing all sorts of madness. Jesus saved my life, literally, and I have three kids. They're being raised in a Godly home, in our church, etc. But, how can they ever know God and their need for God the way I do? Such a fear. So my prayer is that when they are older (8, 5, 4 right now) they will know Jesus for themselves and not because I told them to.

I know it isn't your intention...but your post about the validity of your faith and what you're considering scares me to the core.

 

[redemption]

If you can restrain yourselves, please do not respond with with attempts to get me to recommit myself more fully to Christianity. That's really not what I'm asking about; it's simply pertinent to the real question: the issue of my relationship with my parents.


I find this final statement interesting. The Holy Spirits in that young brother He's already prompting you in that regard and this is why you wrote this, for this is a deep down knowledge and the Lord God doesn't desire you to step away and all of your answers are rooted in Christ. Its true. Wash your spirit daily like you wash your face, if you dont wash your face you get pimples right? Wash your spirit with just a single passage from the word of God (amazing how He'll give you what you need exactly when you need it) and pray. Dont walk away from God and ask worldly advice, for the world is about divorce and destruction and definitely doesn't seek to do you anything but harm. The world is about "do what thou wilt". It seems well and good doesn't it? But deep down you know its not. I lived with my husband in sin for 5 years before we were married, no matter how I sugar coated it I knew deep down by the conviction of the Holy Spirit that I was in rebellion from the will of God. Would I do it just the same tomorrow... probably. So I cant advise you in that regard, just know that your faith is your own and if you and your future wife (always look at gf's as future wife otherwise you are just wasting your time) anyway, if you and your future wife have God at the head of your relationship NOTHING can separate you. Not even your folks in their imperfection. (we are all imperfect even them) did you know 1 in 3 marriages divorce. one in 1157 ACTIVELY praying together marriages end in divorce. God is GOOD and there is great power in prayer & in being able to pray together with your girlfriend.

So I have 2 tasks for you. Wash your spirit daily and pray with your girl about this situation. ALL WILL sort out cause the Lords COOL like that I tell ya!!! God bless you and shine his face upon you & your girl.

 

[jandian]

Parents want what is best for the children. If "in their mind" you are not taking the best route, they will object. Because if your choices lead to pain, it will not just be yours, but they will hurt with you. So in a way they are also hoping to protect themselves.

 

[simplyme_bekah]

It definitely is difficult for parents as their kiddos mature and grow older. We go from controlling what you do (as when you were infants through age 14 or so) to directing, to suggesting and advising. This is hard enough when it comes to which college, jobs, etc. But, child! you're talking about your faith; your eternal soul! This is no small thing!
If your parents love you, of course they would "freak out" over this, you see? They may be horribly controlling, IDK, or they may simply love you so much that, in their belief, you are in danger and they don't want anything bad to happen to you. Ever. And, if you know the scriptures from your childhood, they would be concerned about your g/f's lack of faith in Christ because a)she won't be helping you to find a true and living faith in the Lord, b)won't be influencing you to do righteous things, and c)there's the matter os being unequally yoked.(if they believe you to be redeemed but in rebellion to the Lord, and they think she may not be saved)
I'm fairly certain there is some issue with them over simply not knowing how to change the way they deal with you now that you are older, especially if you are the oldest of their children. Just as you came with no instruction booklet and they had to figure out how to deal with you/care for you when you were small, so they have no way to know how to make that shift now. None of us parents do. I know it took until my fourth child was 19 that I even began to get better at it, and that was merely the result of practice, and learning from my own mistakes. You have (yet) no idea how difficult it is to watch your child do something you know will hurt them, and say nothing; be able to do nothing.

I tell you all this because you are asking for their unconditional support, and you want them to see through your eyes, but you're not trying to look at things from their perspective, that I am able to see. (if you have done this, I sincerely apologize!!)
And though we ought to (and as parents normally do ) love our children without condition, supporting their choices unconditionally seems to be a thing expected by the young adults of this day, and there is resentment when is isn't gotten. But, if you look at it in terms of any other relationship, this is unreasonable. For instance, would you say to a friend, hey, I see you're becoming a crack addict. Any way I can help with that? I support your choice, bud! Of course not, it's ludicrous. Or to an unlicensed or intoxicated sibling, sure! take my car, no problem? I support your decision to drive!
So it is with parents when we see our adult children making (what we perceive to be) dangerous choices. And if you know anything about this faith in which you were raised, you know this must seem very dangerous to them. To support you in this is to turn their backs on the One who purchased them, and is their Lord. They can't love you more than they do Him, and that could be another issue.

Okay, all that said (and if you're even still reading at this point! lol) there is a book that was really helpful to me in this area. It's for parents of adolescents, but I got some good advice from it regarding my kiddos (then) in their 20s, too. And it's by a Christian author, and that might make it more accpetable to your folks. Perhaps you might buy 2 copies of it, and ask that the 3 of you might read it and discuss its ideas. It's called "Losing Control and Liking It- (how to set your teen free)" written by Tim Sanford. It's readily available from Amazon, and not very pricey. We as parents have no one to guide us through this process, normally, and need all the help we can get!

I will be in prayer for you all, and I hope you won't mind that I ask the Lord for you to end this time of searching (which is a normal thing to do at your age, btw) with a decision to return to Him, or, if you haven't yet been redeemed, to seek Him for salvation. I'll ask the Lord to aid your parents in trusting Him with your life. And I'll ask that they remember what it's like to be your age. And that you may all see through one another's eyes, and give grace to one another. I thank you for patiently reading all this, too!
~ellie

You are awesome and God uses you to reach others in a beautiful amazing way. God bless sista!

 

[RedTent]

I solved the problem of parent/adult child relationship quite easily. As the parent I told them that if they would just live their life exactly as I told them to everything would be perfect for them. Everyone, including me, finds this so funny that we can go on to be friends.

But God created the world and the principles that it is run by. Listening to God is different. God even gives atheist a conscious to help guide them enough to stay out of trouble. When you acknowledge what Christ did at the cross and resurrection, you are given the Holy Spirit for additional help besides scripture where instructions are written out. At 20 you are being bombarded with the world and even the hormones God gave you. It can seem pretty silly to live within the God principles of our world. For momentary fun, instant gratification, the world’s way is a lot better.

Just as you are going to gain for a lifetime through your education now, even though it isn’t always fun to hit the books, so following the instructions in living our creator gives adds to pleasure that lasts a lifetime. Not following them can result in hurts that also last a lifetime.

 

[Deadtosin]

anytime you are trying to connect and reach an understanding with anyone (including your parents) it is important to try to see things from their perspective. In this instance you have a very fundamental problem. You are standing on the stance that this life is important and you should be allowed to live it as you see fit and that they should unconditionally love and support you. They, however are standing on the rock that this life is only temporary at best, and our real lives begin after die. ( the christian belief) They of course love you unconditionally and that will never change, but how can you expect them to accept the possibility that their son may make the decision to walk the wide path that leads to them losing you FOREVER!

example: death does not terrify me. Losing my siblings forever does.

So try to understand why they think this is such a big deal.

Good luck

 

[CoreyMBailey]

Seaco,

You are absolutely right, you are past the age of accountability so you can make any decision you wish, but remember that you and you alone will be held accountable for those decisions.

Parents will be parents. They can't help but voice their concerns, and when a child doesn't listen, be grieved. They, no doubt, are worried that if you don't follow the same path they have chosen that you would be lost and not see you forever in the soon coming Kingdom. Imagine what they might feel. They love you and what you to be eternal, not condemned to a place of no existence. Let your parents know that you care about their opinions and concerns but that you need your time to figure things out. They can't make every decision for you but they can give you advice. And let them know you love them.

As for your girlfriend, I would think that they would want more for you. Someone who is strong in what they believe, has a firm foundation, knows who they are. Not someone who has doubts and could potentially lead you down a dangerous path. When you marry you will be the head of the family, not her. You need someone who knows her role in your life as a woman. Eventually your wife will have to know that she is your helper, there to not lead but listen and give you advice when needed, not to be an added stumbling block. With you already having questions about faith you need to find a woman who can solidify you. I know this can take a while but when it comes along it will all have been worth it.

~Corey