Ok...this is going to be incredibly hard for me to type...and even publish. Because everyword of it is true and the girl in the story I'm about to type out for y'all isreally me. "Josh" was my good friend. Who killed himself on Sunday.
A Sunday Suicide:
I was at a friend's house when I first found out. We were all sitting around the fire cutting up, laughing, and having a good time. (Even though I was the butt of most jokes) He had come to me several times before tonight, but I thought I had talked him out of it. He said I had. I guess I believed him. But when my phone rang tonight, I somehow knew that this was more urgent than it had ever been before. I answered quickly."I'm sorry, Olivia. I tried. I did. I just can't do it anymore." He said. I glanced at my boyfriend who was sitting beside me, wondering if he heard that. He just kept laughing while he played around on his guitar, meaning that he hadn't. "What? Josh, you're not making any sense! What's going on?" He sighed on the other end. "I'm sorry, Liv." "Sorry?" Silence was my only reply. And then a quiet click alerted me that he had hung up. That was weird. Confused and worried, I pushed my phone back into my pocket and joined Luke and the rest of my friends in singing "Call Me Maybe", trying to act like everything was fine. But I knew it wasn't. I just didn't know why. "You okay?"Luke asked, concern softening his hazel eyes. I forced a smile. "Yeah! Absolutely!" I lied enthusiastically. "You sure?" He asked me,his eyebrows slightly raised in suspicion. I smiled again and put my arms around his neck briefly. "I promise. Everything's fine." He studied me intensely, as though not believing me (He probably didn't...I'm a terrible liar), and finally nodded slowly. He returned to his guitar and started strumming the intro of "Had Me at Hello" (Dork! ;p). As he was singing his verse, my phone vibrated in my shorts. I pulled it out and answered without looking at the Caller ID. "Olivia, this is Josh's mom." She sniffed loudly into the phone and in the background was the sound of sirens and people talking quickly. "Hi, Mrs. Martin. Is everything okay?" I asked, standing and moving to the peach tree across the yard. Luke's eyes followed me and I shot him a quick smile. I tried to decipher Mrs. Martin'swords but she was crying too hard for me to understand anything she was saying."I-I'm sorry...I can't understand you." She sniffed loudly and suddenly a male voice was on the other end. "Olivia...I don't know how to tell you this. Um...Josh. He, um, he's gone." I blinked, trying to absorb what I was just told. "G-gone?" Mr. Martin sighed. "Yes. He shot himself in the head. I don't really know all the details, but there's a text on his phone that he never sent. Would you like me to send it?" His voice is flat, emotionless. I swallow, trying to gain control of my emotions."Uh...yeah. Yeah. Thanks." And then I hang up without saying goodbye, which is something I'd never normally do, but I'm too shocked to care at the moment. Ambling back towards the fire, I sit down, numb. Holding my phone, I wait for the promised text. Finally, it vibrates and I press read. It says:
"Olivia,Thank you so much for everything. You've kept me alive through the past year and i'll never be able to fully express how much that's meant to me. You're one of my best friends, and, like i said before, the reason i'm still living today. I can't promise tomorrow. I can only promise that everything will be okay. You're strong and your faith amazes me.You'll get through whatever is thrown your way. And if I do take my life, it wouldn't be for lack of comfort and love from you. I just can't take it anymore. Anyways, thank you, Liv." I release a shuddering breath. Luke stares at me expectantly, waiting for me to sing my part. I open my mouth and try to force a smile. I can't do it. I just shrug and offer a half smile, mumbling something about forgetting the lyrics. Not entirely a lie. He nodded, again doubting me. His mom, Kenda, poked her head out the door and asked him tocome help her clean up. He smiled to the group and stood, handing his guitar to Sabrina who was seated to his left. I re-read Josh's text and bit my lip, trying to hold myself together as Sabrina started messing around on the acoustic. Austin leaned over to my ear and whispered, "Are you okay?"I just looked at him. Was I that obvious? My eyes filled with unwanted tears and he immediately got up and started leading me in the house, gesturing to Gracie to follow. She made up an excuse about needing to pee and followed silently as the group's laughter rang in my ears. How could they be laughing when my world just came crashing down? As soon as the sliding doors were closed and we had made our descent upstairs to Gracie's room, I broke down. I asked Austin to go back outside, but wanted Gracie to stay. He pursed his lips, looking none too happy about my request, but left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen. Gracie sent a quick text and then faced me, wrapping her arms around me. I blubbered an explanation into the long hair hanging over her shoulder, which my face was buried in. "Liv, I don't know what's going on...I can't understand you. You HAVE to calm down. What's wrong?" I sniffed. "Josh. He-he.." I couldn't complete my sentence and just started crying harder. Someone's hand stroked my back and as soon as I turned and my hands clutched their muscular arms, I knew it was Luke. He pulled me against his muscular chest. "Sssh, Liv. It's okay." I pushed myself away from him. "It's NOT okay, Luke. It'll never be okay, again!" I sat, arms crossed, staring at him. All I wanted to do was cry for days and not do anything but feel bad. I sighed, trying to calm myself and pull myself together. Luke pulled me close again and the sound of his heart beating in my ear reminded me of all that I'd lost in a mere night. A tear escaped my eye and crept down my cheek, chased by another and then another. Before I could stop myself, I was sobbing in my boyfriend's arms.He just held me and let me cry, stroking my hair as he kissed my head and then rested his cheek on the top of my head. We sat there like that for what felt like forever. Finally I pulled away and sniffed, wiping my face with my sweatshirt sleeve. "Sorry," I apologized, standing. He stood with me and spun me around to face him. His gentle eyes radiated compassion and love,making me want to cry all over again. He wiped a stray tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb and kissed my forehead. "Liv, I am so sorry that this is happening. But you'll get through this. I promise. And I'll be right beside you every single step of the way." I attempted a smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace. Gracie came up behind me, put her arms around me and leaned her head against mine wordlessly echoing her brother's promise before quickly releasing me. "We should go back out there." I said. Gracie just shot me a sideways look. "You want to?" She questioned with narrowed eyes. Like she couldn't believe i had suggested such a thing. i shrugged. "We don't have to." She said. "No. No it's fine. They're probably wondering where we went." "What do you want me to tell them?" Luke asked. I sighed. "I...I don't know.""You don't have to tell them anything." Gracie said, a sharp edge lacing her words. Luke nodded. "Okay," Luke replied quietly. I started to follow him out of Gracie's bedroom. She caught my wrist. "You don't have to go out there, Liv. I can take you home." I studied her,trying to figure out if she was seriously offering or just offering because she felt like she had to. "Are you sure?" I asked. She smiled and looped her arm through mine as we descended the stairs. "Of course! We'll take your car and I'll just stay the night. I'll have Mom pick me up in the morning." I nodded, touched by my best friend's gesture. "Okay...thank you." She smiled. "What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't willing to be there for you when you needed me?" "A Peter," I reply, referring to an inside joke about Peter's total unfaithfulness to Jesus. Gracie shot me a look that almost made me laugh. Almost. But I couldn't quite do it.~~~
This happened this past Sunday. Please be praying for me and for "Josh's" family. We're all hurting pretty badly right now. It's hard to see the hope in this situation. But I know it's there somewhere. (I'm going to sign off now because I'm crying. ;p) Thanks so much for taking the time to read.
~Olivia HoltP.S. Thank you SO MUCH, Andi. You've been an amazing friend to me through this. I might not want to hear it or listen willingly, but you always tell me what I need to hear. Thank you so much. You're a true blessing, A.
A Sunday Suicide:
I was at a friend's house when I first found out. We were all sitting around the fire cutting up, laughing, and having a good time. (Even though I was the butt of most jokes) He had come to me several times before tonight, but I thought I had talked him out of it. He said I had. I guess I believed him. But when my phone rang tonight, I somehow knew that this was more urgent than it had ever been before. I answered quickly."I'm sorry, Olivia. I tried. I did. I just can't do it anymore." He said. I glanced at my boyfriend who was sitting beside me, wondering if he heard that. He just kept laughing while he played around on his guitar, meaning that he hadn't. "What? Josh, you're not making any sense! What's going on?" He sighed on the other end. "I'm sorry, Liv." "Sorry?" Silence was my only reply. And then a quiet click alerted me that he had hung up. That was weird. Confused and worried, I pushed my phone back into my pocket and joined Luke and the rest of my friends in singing "Call Me Maybe", trying to act like everything was fine. But I knew it wasn't. I just didn't know why. "You okay?"Luke asked, concern softening his hazel eyes. I forced a smile. "Yeah! Absolutely!" I lied enthusiastically. "You sure?" He asked me,his eyebrows slightly raised in suspicion. I smiled again and put my arms around his neck briefly. "I promise. Everything's fine." He studied me intensely, as though not believing me (He probably didn't...I'm a terrible liar), and finally nodded slowly. He returned to his guitar and started strumming the intro of "Had Me at Hello" (Dork! ;p). As he was singing his verse, my phone vibrated in my shorts. I pulled it out and answered without looking at the Caller ID. "Olivia, this is Josh's mom." She sniffed loudly into the phone and in the background was the sound of sirens and people talking quickly. "Hi, Mrs. Martin. Is everything okay?" I asked, standing and moving to the peach tree across the yard. Luke's eyes followed me and I shot him a quick smile. I tried to decipher Mrs. Martin'swords but she was crying too hard for me to understand anything she was saying."I-I'm sorry...I can't understand you." She sniffed loudly and suddenly a male voice was on the other end. "Olivia...I don't know how to tell you this. Um...Josh. He, um, he's gone." I blinked, trying to absorb what I was just told. "G-gone?" Mr. Martin sighed. "Yes. He shot himself in the head. I don't really know all the details, but there's a text on his phone that he never sent. Would you like me to send it?" His voice is flat, emotionless. I swallow, trying to gain control of my emotions."Uh...yeah. Yeah. Thanks." And then I hang up without saying goodbye, which is something I'd never normally do, but I'm too shocked to care at the moment. Ambling back towards the fire, I sit down, numb. Holding my phone, I wait for the promised text. Finally, it vibrates and I press read. It says:
"Olivia,Thank you so much for everything. You've kept me alive through the past year and i'll never be able to fully express how much that's meant to me. You're one of my best friends, and, like i said before, the reason i'm still living today. I can't promise tomorrow. I can only promise that everything will be okay. You're strong and your faith amazes me.You'll get through whatever is thrown your way. And if I do take my life, it wouldn't be for lack of comfort and love from you. I just can't take it anymore. Anyways, thank you, Liv." I release a shuddering breath. Luke stares at me expectantly, waiting for me to sing my part. I open my mouth and try to force a smile. I can't do it. I just shrug and offer a half smile, mumbling something about forgetting the lyrics. Not entirely a lie. He nodded, again doubting me. His mom, Kenda, poked her head out the door and asked him tocome help her clean up. He smiled to the group and stood, handing his guitar to Sabrina who was seated to his left. I re-read Josh's text and bit my lip, trying to hold myself together as Sabrina started messing around on the acoustic. Austin leaned over to my ear and whispered, "Are you okay?"I just looked at him. Was I that obvious? My eyes filled with unwanted tears and he immediately got up and started leading me in the house, gesturing to Gracie to follow. She made up an excuse about needing to pee and followed silently as the group's laughter rang in my ears. How could they be laughing when my world just came crashing down? As soon as the sliding doors were closed and we had made our descent upstairs to Gracie's room, I broke down. I asked Austin to go back outside, but wanted Gracie to stay. He pursed his lips, looking none too happy about my request, but left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen. Gracie sent a quick text and then faced me, wrapping her arms around me. I blubbered an explanation into the long hair hanging over her shoulder, which my face was buried in. "Liv, I don't know what's going on...I can't understand you. You HAVE to calm down. What's wrong?" I sniffed. "Josh. He-he.." I couldn't complete my sentence and just started crying harder. Someone's hand stroked my back and as soon as I turned and my hands clutched their muscular arms, I knew it was Luke. He pulled me against his muscular chest. "Sssh, Liv. It's okay." I pushed myself away from him. "It's NOT okay, Luke. It'll never be okay, again!" I sat, arms crossed, staring at him. All I wanted to do was cry for days and not do anything but feel bad. I sighed, trying to calm myself and pull myself together. Luke pulled me close again and the sound of his heart beating in my ear reminded me of all that I'd lost in a mere night. A tear escaped my eye and crept down my cheek, chased by another and then another. Before I could stop myself, I was sobbing in my boyfriend's arms.He just held me and let me cry, stroking my hair as he kissed my head and then rested his cheek on the top of my head. We sat there like that for what felt like forever. Finally I pulled away and sniffed, wiping my face with my sweatshirt sleeve. "Sorry," I apologized, standing. He stood with me and spun me around to face him. His gentle eyes radiated compassion and love,making me want to cry all over again. He wiped a stray tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb and kissed my forehead. "Liv, I am so sorry that this is happening. But you'll get through this. I promise. And I'll be right beside you every single step of the way." I attempted a smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace. Gracie came up behind me, put her arms around me and leaned her head against mine wordlessly echoing her brother's promise before quickly releasing me. "We should go back out there." I said. Gracie just shot me a sideways look. "You want to?" She questioned with narrowed eyes. Like she couldn't believe i had suggested such a thing. i shrugged. "We don't have to." She said. "No. No it's fine. They're probably wondering where we went." "What do you want me to tell them?" Luke asked. I sighed. "I...I don't know.""You don't have to tell them anything." Gracie said, a sharp edge lacing her words. Luke nodded. "Okay," Luke replied quietly. I started to follow him out of Gracie's bedroom. She caught my wrist. "You don't have to go out there, Liv. I can take you home." I studied her,trying to figure out if she was seriously offering or just offering because she felt like she had to. "Are you sure?" I asked. She smiled and looped her arm through mine as we descended the stairs. "Of course! We'll take your car and I'll just stay the night. I'll have Mom pick me up in the morning." I nodded, touched by my best friend's gesture. "Okay...thank you." She smiled. "What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't willing to be there for you when you needed me?" "A Peter," I reply, referring to an inside joke about Peter's total unfaithfulness to Jesus. Gracie shot me a look that almost made me laugh. Almost. But I couldn't quite do it.~~~
This happened this past Sunday. Please be praying for me and for "Josh's" family. We're all hurting pretty badly right now. It's hard to see the hope in this situation. But I know it's there somewhere. (I'm going to sign off now because I'm crying. ;p) Thanks so much for taking the time to read.
~Olivia HoltP.S. Thank you SO MUCH, Andi. You've been an amazing friend to me through this. I might not want to hear it or listen willingly, but you always tell me what I need to hear. Thank you so much. You're a true blessing, A.
