I feel your pain. Time is a great healer and I know that doesn't help right now but with time you will be able to make choices. I have buried two husbands 10 years apart. With the second ,I really crashed and burned had to get professional help. It made me question my faith, wonder why God hated me ect but I know now all that wasn't true. I had to consciencely make the choice of how I would live the rest of my life, sad and defeated or happy ,contented and totally trusting that God has plans for me that these encounters,loves and loses are preparing me for. I was blessed with two good marriage,two good men. and I am blessed everyday now. I draw from what each of them gave during our time together. All this isn't going to instantly make it all better but I hpoe it may help you to think about your choices. Everyone is different and must find their own path,just know that your are not alone in the struggle. I like the story of the footprints in the sand and the serenity prayer, these have helped me.