Dear child, how the Lord loves you! see how He clings to you, even when you want to give up! This is no coincidence, beloved. It is real.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NASB
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. KJV
Faith is what you seek, and this verse tells us it is very real. Substance is something tangible, and evidence is proof! Hebrews 10: 35 tells us not to throw away our confidence. You have asked the Lord Jesus to save you--now believe He did, child! I believe the evidence and substance you seek will be found in the Word of God. So I, too, adjure you to read this letter of love from your Father in heaven to you. There you will find the proof you need. He will be found by those who diligently seek Him, dearest.
I say this not to criticize you. Far from it! Who among us was not at the point you are at some point? I know I have been there, and not just once. You say you haven't always been faithful, and I know that feeling very well. But He has, is, and will always remain faithful. It's against His very nature to do otherwise. For this reason you have these longings, and for this reason (His faithfulness) you seek prayer for this. I hope you can see this, dear one.
He is calling to you, His own dear child. He wants you; please believe that!
Seek His face, and spend much time with Him in prayer, in listening, and in the Word. I always ask Him to open my (spiritual) eyes to His Truth and to what He wants to teach me before I read the Bible. I don't know if that will help you, but I sorta feel it can't hurt!
I pray I haven't hurt you, child!! I guess I'm trying to tell you of my own experience in this desert you're in. I found there was water for me (God!) but I had to be faithful in looking for it.(don't mean to sound like a "do it" Christian, just that we do have some responsibilities in our relationship with the Lord, just as we do in any relationship, right?)
Don't give up, beloved of your Father. He knows you. He loves you. He waits for you. He hangs on to you, even when you feel you have no strength to do so yourself. I have sought the Lord on your behalf, my dear, and I will continue to do so. I look forward to the day when you return to tell us about the wonderful things that will happen.
I'm sorry you feel this way, and I do weep with you. At the end of the rope isn't too bad a place to be, for underneath are the everlasting arms. ♥
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms Deuteronomy 33:27
in Christian love,
ellie