Advice for a newlywed.

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CourtneyM

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I have been married for two months now and I'm really struggling. My husband plays video games all the time and I feel neglected and alone. We live at least 30 minutes away from any town and I'm not used to it so I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being selfish needing his attention all the time but it makes me feel unloved and ignored all the time when he goes straight to the xbox as soon as he gets home. What should I do?
 
This is a very common problem today. Part of it is that men and women are wired differently to a degree. Young men often like the visual stimulation of playing video games very much, even addictively, while women often just do not.

And then young men in their early twenties haven't fully matured yet and need a few more years...

The crazy thing is that men heavily into video games often report that they are completely satisfied with their wife while the wife is reporting that she thinks he's bored with her (due to his video game compulsion/obsession).

Well... at least he's happily married and certainly not bored with you even if you feel differently.

What should we call this? Maybe video game impulse addictive control disorder. Geesh, how do you "balance" an addictive impulse disorder out?

1. You could put up a white flag. Learn to love his video games and spend your time together playing them together. This would work. Can you do it?

2. You can turn into a pyscho and destroy them and let him know they have no more place in your lives together from here on out. This might work but it might backfire too. Win/lose strategies require the loser to lose (he has to lose). He might decide that's not acceptable and pack up and leave you.

3. You can whine and cajole eternally. I say eternally because this isn't going anywhere.

4. You can leverage your influence with his family and pastor nicely explaining the problem to them and see if they start to hold him accountable. This is an indirect approach that if done right might get you some much desired traction without him holding it against you.

5. ??? Anyone else have a better idea ???
 
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Courtney, first of all, congrats on the marriage. :)

It is a really difficult thing, to transition from single to married, no matter how long one has known one's spouse.
I don't know if your husband played games a lot before you married, but I wouldn't be surprised that he did.;)

Young men tend to be...young. :)
If he's close to your age, his brain and even his body aren't done maturing yet.

That said...he does have a responsibility to make that transition.
I wonder if the two of you could sit down and just talk about it?

I try not to say things like 'you make me feel', but just 'I feel like'...
Try to avoid making him feel like the bad guy, as he is most likely oblivious to how this affects you. ;)
If you explain that you are lonely, and miss him, but that you understand he may need to blow off steam when he first gets home,
perhaps you can both agree on a time limit for the game playing,
and choose some things you like to do together for after that? :)

That's what I would tell one of our daughters (we have 5, and a son).
Just reassure him that you love him, and that you are eager to build a life together.
To start building memories together.

Please come back to visit us here as often as you like.
We are your family, too, in Jesus. ♥

with a momma's love,
ellie
 
A good start psychomom, agreed. That does need to be done first. He will, of course, quickly revert back to obsessive game play afterwards in my observations.

While it IS important to initiate that conversation, his brain craves the simuluation of the games like an addict his favorite drug of choice.

She's going to have to move to the next step when "the talk" fails. I like these codependency support groups for women and men whose spouse is caught up in some form of addictive behavior that is negatively impacting their relationship.
 
Just like you don't know how to be a wife, he doesn't know how to be a husband.
1. Do you know your love languages? You can get the book everywhere. I would suggest it.

2. Be clear and specific, but compromise. Ex. 20 mins on Xbox when he gets home and then off until after dinner. For
that time he is with you. Or 20 mins with you and Xbox while you prep dinner and then you time again.

Sometimes what you need may not be him to sit with you. You may want him to cuddle for a while. You may really want him to have a conversation with you. You may want him to go make dinner. Because of his choices, its hard to figure out what you are really missing. That's where the book comes in. My husband paid so little attention to me that my love languages shifted to whatever I was getting least of. I really wanted him to help me do something. I wanted him to focus a moment on me, but he was caught in his world. It wasn't until much later that I realized that I am really and affectionate person and because hes was affectionate also, I thought my love language was all these other things.
 
Before I get married, i would make sure that the girl that iam about to married is suitable for me or rather suitable for each other. Once you are married, there is no turning back. For those who are not married yet, please think carefully before you do so.

When i wanted to married my wife, i would have known her well enough and want to share the rest of my life with her. There shouldn't be any regret later on. Sure, there will be some turbulence a long the way BUT our loved for each other would bring us through them together.
 
my pastors got married when he was 19 and she was 21. and she said he was EXACTLY like that. their marriage was hard cause they didn't have more then $20 to their name. >_<

he'll grow out of it. it just takes time. . . . maybe a LOT. >_> so you'll have to be pacient. but it really really doesn't hurt to talk with a counselor or pastor about it so that he won't feel like you're just attacking him. its something that happens to a LOT of young couplse. As long as you talk it out then things will go ok. both of you are going to have to give up some though. and it might be more on your part because you're supposed to be the supportive wife.. . . . .^-^
 
CourtneyM said:
I have been married for two months now and I'm really struggling. My husband plays video games all the time and I feel neglected and alone. We live at least 30 minutes away from any town and I'm not used to it so I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being selfish needing his attention all the time but it makes me feel unloved and ignored all the time when he goes straight to the xbox as soon as he gets home. What should I do?
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I understand. I also am married, and my wife left me because I love God more than her. The answer is to not need your husband more than God, but to be content with experiencing God with him.

God is your Love, and He so wants you to love Him more than even your husband. When you feel alone, then simply spend time in prayer and reading, because it's the one needful thing, even for this situation.

Luk 10:39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word.
Luk 10:40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.
Luk 10:41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:
Luk 10:42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.


God is really all you need, and if your husband sees that, he will realize that God is all that he needs as well. Answer this question to yourself.

If you had no chores, no working for money, no responsibilities, and no distractions, would you be thrilled at the idea of spending all of your time with God? The more you read the Bible, the more you'll want to read the Bible, and it's a portion of the one needful thing, even for this situation.
 
CourtneyM said:
I have been married for two months now and I'm really struggling. My husband plays video games all the time and I feel neglected and alone. We live at least 30 minutes away from any town and I'm not used to it so I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being selfish needing his attention all the time but it makes me feel unloved and ignored all the time when he goes straight to the xbox as soon as he gets home. What should I do?
Click to expand...

My first question is, you didn't know he did this before you got married? How long did you know each other before you got married? And, you didn't know he did this before you got married?

Sorry, not meaning to harp, but just a word out to those out there reading these posts who are thinking about marrying someone they don't know enough about... you should know he does this kind of stuff before you marry him. And vise versa.

Again, sorry if that's a bit rough. You touched a nerve I guess.

As for your situation, learn that x-box. Sit down next to him, pick up that controller and learn it. Then give him a challenge and kick his arse, that'll make him notice you. Then with his attention drawn your way, you can draw him away as well. To a PS3! :D
 
Tomorrow when he goes to work...

THROW THE XBOX AND EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH IT AWAY!!!!!

HE married you and whether he "KNOWS" how to be a husband is irrelavent, since HE decided to become one. Would it be okay if he brought home another woman every night and spent his evening with her? While you are far more valuable than an Xbox, so I am not intending to hurt YOU, your husband is behaving in a way that demonstrates he expects you tolerate another woman whatever "she" is... computer game, TV, garage, anything. Regardless of the root cause... he is not engaging in a marital relationship with you. Throw away the xbox and find out exactly who you married... it has only been 2 months... if it turns out his expectation is that he do what whatever he wants while you keep his house for him... his definition of wife is A MAID and you have a bigger problem. THis scenario is not a pray about and wait for things to be different scenario... it is a take action and discover the TRUTH beneath the surface right now scenario. Unless of course you are willing to be married to this same scenario (or any variatoin of) from now until death do you part. Just be ready to deal with what you get... Which is where prayer would be important.

He has no excuse here and YOU are not being unloving by doing this... there is a difference between supportive intervention and enabling
 
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Jon4TheCross said:
If you had no chores, no working for money, no responsibilities, and no distractions, would you be thrilled at the idea of spending all of your time with God? The more you read the Bible, the more you'll want to read the Bible, and it's a portion of the one needful thing, even for this situation.[/COLOR]


I will step up for this one Jon... a healthy normal woman who desires to be in a healthy normal marriage relationship does not get married to be in a disconnected, unhealthy, socially isolated "marriage"... which might actually feel more like solitary comfinement or imprisonment. ANY man's first responsibility when married is HIS WIFE, in the eyes of God, whether he is a christian or not, since GOd ordained marriage long before Christianity. In conclusion... ANY man who neglects his wife is likely to have to give The LOrd an accounting for this negligence. :eek:
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I would like to add... I am not saying go off in an APE CRAZY RAGE... like some might interpret.

I just mean "THROW THEM AWAY"... well okay... stomp on some of them in private if that will be therapuedic for you (wink)... but this is an intervention not an act of war... so keep your focus... his might get a little hazy... but stand firm.
 
Talk to him. Make him understand, in a respectful way, that you feel lonely and neglected. You didn't give a lot of details, so I don't know how your relationship was before this. If this is something you already talked about... and if you guys go to church, I would advice you to talk to a marriage counselor. I would not throw his Xbox away, I think that would only create war. The best option, in my opinion, is talking and maybe even learn to appreciate (not love necessarily ) his interest on videogames. Find a way to feel connected to him :).

Hope everthing gets better ! God bless.
 
Dear CourtneyM,

This isn't particularly biblical, but the thought comes to mind that, since you live so far away from a store, it would be a real shame if the X-box had an "accident". Stuff happens. :) Even God might have to agree that the end justifies the means. "&#8216;For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one (toy) separate.&#8221; (Matthew 9:5-6, with liberties)

God be with you in your struggle.
 
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I would not throw his xbox away either.
If this is his hobby he loves doing and perhaps you could give it a go although he may be on a very advanced level by now he may like to show you.
Maybe ask him to prioritise his time and give more of it to you.
Agree you should talk to him about it honestly and if itz become an addiction that keeps him indoors all the time and creates an anti social behaviour then this is all destructive for him.
Perhaps make time together for and in the outdoors beng active , balance out the xbox time.

Maybe he has friends he plays with so it actually also is a social event for him.
Like another obsessed with playing golf or soccer or chess although his body may need activating more and get some daylight on his body.
For the sake of his body also.Tender loving care of it is it getting if all time spent xboxing....
Try to understand him but also ask him to understand you and talk about it.
Try to find a solution.
Can you read a book on the couch while he plays , have a lemonade 2gether.......
Hope you find a solution that works for both of you.
 
Perhaps you can find a game you both enjoy playing and join him in his hobby? That way you are making an effort to spend time with him and it might encourage him to do the same thing with you.
 
Communication is a huge part of marriage. Have you sat down and explained to him how you feel? How about having set times for the game playing or set couple time??
 
I have the same problem with my husband, except he's always on his stupid phone! And if he's not on his phone, he's on his computer or watching tv! And he doesn't talk to me!!!! It's very frustrating, because when I try telling him that something is bothering me it turns into me just yelling at myself.
But, you are most certainly not alone!
 
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