Advice needed...

[Taelin]

Hey all

I really need some advice, especially from elderly people, because I really need to understand this...

I grew up in a really messed up family... I wont go into particulars, since its a really long story and I'm afraid there wont be enough space on the thread. But I'm the youngest of six children, (three of them is step family). My mom hates my father and has NO life.. I lived with her while I was growing up. She turned my older brother and sister against my dad in their childhood and they've always struggled to have a healthy relationship with him. Me being the youngest rebelled and decided not to believe anything said against my father unless I can see it true. And so they years passed by...

Al my siblings had really bad decisions they made and so all hope was places on me being the youngest, that i wont end up a failure, that I'll go to University and make a huge success of my life. Thats the role my family always placed me in, and I hate it, still do to this day.

Then I moved to my dads house, and it was the first time that I really got to know him. Truth told I was the type of teenager who was always in her room, listening to sad music, cutting herself and being all depressed, and then to my parents I had to portray this perfect image of a daughter which I still failed to do. I seldom brought my friends home, because my dad was really strict and diciplined and had set values. I suppose I never felt he'd approve of my friends and I was embarrased to bring my friends home. Now my relationship with my dad is strange... we dont really talk a lot and we have a lot of communication problems. Eventho we really love eachother.

I finally went to Uni, met new people, and finally dropped out. I started working because I needed to find out what I wanted to do in my life. I finally gave my life to God and I see my dad's point of view. Since I dont really have a lot of friends now, just a couple of random Christian friends and we go out together every now and then. So tonight I asked my dads permission for the activities I want to go do at my friends house, and he said that I'm too ashamed to bring my friends home. That really hurt me, because I'm not ashamed, not since I gave my life over to God. I'm not ashamed of my dad. Infact I'm so proud to have the father I have. I know I dont show it the right way, but I dont know how.

It really makes me feel like a failure as a daughter, since I cant keep a healthy relationship with my dad. I really dont know what to do.

 

[1Covenant]

Hey Taelin,
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I am the father of five with two of them girls, so my heart sinks to hear of the father/daughter difficulty. I am probably one of these dads that comes across very stern but I melt inside with sentiment. I love my little girls' hugs.
True and good fellowship begins with our relationship with the Lord.
The advice I have to give has to do with directing your focus first at your own neediness for a daily work of Christ on your behalf.
This may seem strange but I would first say to be comforted in the fact that Christ said that in this life you will have troubles - that's a given.
Secondly I would encourage you to recognize that you are a child of your parents and saying or trying not to be will never make it so.
Thirdly, therefore, look at your parents as though they are a mirror and if you examine their temptations, you will discover your own. This is much tougher than it seems, but do this with a humble and open heart to the work of the Holy Spirit in your life and commit one thing at a time to the Lord.
You will find that as you discover these things in your life, confess them, and rest on the Lord for his guidance (prov 3:5+6), that your parents will notice. This next part is as hard as it is important and only a parent experiences this. You as their child are also a mirror to them of all their own good attributes but also their sinful tendencies and they know it. What a ministry it would be for them to see hope for change in Christ as they see you no longer running from the sins of your parents but bathing them in prayer and peace.
I think that you would find that as you uncover, confess, and commit these things to the Lord that you will find that family relationships do not get easier but they become more rewarding.
Finally, pray and I would encourage you to read the psalms at night as an aid to your prayers.
I sure hope that this all came across alright. I am going to stop for a little bit and just pray for you and your situation.

Sincerely and In Christ.

 

[Semiazas]

my father died 7 years ago. at least you have a chance to develop a relationship. so do it. talk to him. he wont be around forever.

 

[Jezreel]

Here is a Christian link that really helped open my eyes to what my mother was actually doing.
http://luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548

I am giving you this link from what I have discerned that may be your mother's problems. Does she have to be in control? Does she have to be the center of attention? My mother also used to keep division between my brother and I. A parent that does not want the siblings to love one another, they have a very serious problem. I also sent this link to my cousin as her mom was doing the same thing as my mom and when she read it, a light suddenly went on in her head because she was so able to identify with things and especially me, I understood her perfectly when she told me what her mother was going. I was passed down from my grandmother who gave her three daughters this terrible legacy.I could have turned out the same but for the grace of God.

 

[Taelin]

Thanks so much for the replies...

1Convent: I'll definitely look into that...

Semiazas: I'm really sorry to hear that

Jezreel: No my mom is suffering from severe depression, she's literally fading away with hatred

 

[Jezreel]

That is so sad. Since she most probably is not a Christian, we cannot apply that scripture about being handed over to the tormentors. Matthew 18:23-35. The whole family witnessed my husbands mother handed over to the tormentors from unforgiveness and bitterness and it was pretty terrible. She actually lost her mind for a year or so but in the end, she did repent and regained her mind back just before she died. When I was a teenager, I stayed in my room all the time and played music too. I was anorexic. My family was "nuts" especially my mother. My dad was a peacekeeper instead of a peacemaker and mom wore the pants inthe family. I did not have a relationship with my father at all. He never spoke to me except to show disappointment in me. That created a bit of trouble with my walk with God in the beginning of my walk because I never felt God loved me and was only going to pay attention to me when I did wrong things. I lived under constant threats and anything good that come my way, my mother would sabotage. I was literally a prisoner and never grew emmotionally and was stunted. Even to this day my husband tells me that at times I am like a little child because I was not allowed to grow emmotionally. I quit crying tears years ago because I felt I run out of them and have none left. I took all kinds of abuse without complaint because it was always twisted around to be my fault. Now that I see clearer, my mother had a spirit of Jezebel.She did not want my father to love me as I needed him because she had to be the center of attention. When my father was dying, I did not go and see him because I was not going to allow him to have his last words to me be mean. The last time I seen him, a year before, he was mean to me and since he never tried to call and talk to me, I knew to stay away. I don't miss him as he was always abscent anyhow. He was a dry alchoholic, a man who had quit drinking but did not have Christ to transform his mind so he was pretty miserable. That is a shame about your not bringing friends home. I would try to bring friends home but my mother always found fault in everybody I chose as friends,especially if they were not white, she was a racist.

 

[Taelin]

Wow Jezreel *hugs*

Thanks for sharing that! On some level I share how you feel, esp the part of childlike.

 

[Aphoel]

Your father may be feeling somewhat detached from emotion as he may have fought very hard for visitation or custody., you did not say so I can only speculate., society has a way of making fathers out to be the bad guys all to often with services in abundance for woman but very little available for men. It sounds to me as though your relationship with your father is based on co-existence more than it is on being a part of each others lives. Your father has been around a long time and his heart been hurt many times and it is quite possible he is wanting to be bigger part of your life but does not know how to make the necessary steps to bring it into fruition., I dont think he would have meant for it to hurt you by what he said as such but to me it sounds like he is seeing you grow up and forging friendships and he seems maybe concerned that the one who did return may also leave him. If my assumptions are correct then he may say things that seem bitter and almost like he is pushing you out the door sometimes but the truth is he is probing what the future holds and scared to invest emotionally after losing you all the first time., he is older and set in his ways but there is certainly alot you can do to reassure him that you are proud of him and will always be there for him. But this is all highly speculative and may indeed not be the case at all but if it is take it into consideration and work towards bringing about a better relationship between the two of you that isnt just built around a false sense of responsibility.

 

[imoss]

I've posted this before. We are all a bunch of kids... some of us are messed up kids, but we are all just kids. We place our parents (big kids) on a pedistal and expect more from them than we do the rest of the world. This goes away once you have your own children and start making your own mistakes (tend to be less judgemental of your parents err when you see how easy it is to make mistakes and not be able to take them back.) I want you to listen to the Holy spirit with respect to your relationship with both your father and your mother. sometimes the Holy spirit will prompt us to reach out but we step back in our flesh and ignore the spirit. If you feel the urge to hug your dad, do so. And as far as your mom goes, some people just love to marinade in their hate & hurt... you cant change that one lick so just let her sit and stew but dont give her fuel... speak positive about others and about her to her. Only say praiseworthy and uplifting things. Tell her the good news about what the Lord is doing in your life... dont speak to her of her need for the Lord... she knows already, just be sure to tell her your good news. She probably sees the Lord and your dad in the same frame... Pray for the Lord to soften her heart that she would know him and recognise her need for him and not just see him as a source for the righteous judgement of her ex husband. I could be way off on this but she probably associates the Lord with your dad, would this be an accurate statement? Stop worrying about your dads judgement of your friends... It sounds like maybe some of what your mom told you about him all of your life did get through and you need to take him just the way he is and not the way she has stated that he is. Share in your joys in the Lord with your dad... this will give him joy too. & hug him... dont wait for him to hug you. also, when your mom falls into the pits of dispare... hold her. Mostly though I pray for the Lord to wrap his loving arms around you and hold you, you are his precious daughter with whom he is pleased. Do not allow yourself to reject these words I just typed, for they are truth & I sence you will reject that you are absolutely a beautiful daughter of Christ deserving of the perfect love of the Heavenly Father, not to mention your earthly father & mother. So remember... dad & mom are just big kids stumbling through their lives trying to do the best they can with what they've been given. God Bless you & your family. Oh another thing, before you go to visit your mom review the positives that you will speak to counter her negative. If she says you know your sister... she made me so mad when blah blah blh then you just say awww mom, i'm sorry you feel that way, hey mom did i tell you about the lady i met at the supermarket what a blessing it was to see....... total random change of subject knocks negativity on its back side! Marcia.

 

[Taelin]

Oh wow, this is really bringing tears to my eyes. Reading all the replies really makes you see things in a different light

 

[dovey]

Sweet girl! Tell your dad how proud you are of him...and ask God to help heal that brokeness in both of you...Your dad was probably greatly hurt by your childhood as well and family situation...Saying that would probably be the sweetest thing anyone had said to Him in a long time...my dad passed before I got saved and I think thats what I would say to him if I could...and tell him how much I love him, even thouygh he allready knows.

 

[imoss]

Blessings to you taelin, I was just kind of curious how things were going with your relationship with your father. Its been a couple of weeks.

 

[Taelin]

Marcia... Wel he's been away for a week now, him and my stepmom went away for their anniversary... So we'll see when he gets back, will let you know!

 

[Vuyi]

Hey this would sound cliche but you know you gona have to try and forgive all the people who messed u up, have u ever heard that saying that says everything happens for a reason but the truth is its the reason that makes everything happen, that reason is Christ well u talking to someone during 2005 i was involved in a car accident, charged 4 reckless driving and also falsely charged for drinking and driving spent a night in jail because of these charges, what was worse i was driving my moms car and i wrecked it while she was at the hospital because cancer that was found on her brain cells, ten days later after my accident she passed away, her sister took over acting my moms role guess what, she also passed away a month later and i dropped out of uni only 2 find out its because of Christ in me these things happened and now im living that exceeded the dreams i had, so try and fix ur eyes on Christ forgive your father or else your future husband wil fight your fathers battles

 

[loveschild]

Hi first forgive yourself. Remember the whole wide world isn't on your shoulders. OK. As people we can have a problem of thinking everything is on top of us. You sound very smart and give yourself credit. Just go forward. Love your dad. Forgive anyone who hurt you. Do things to be happy. God wants you to be happy. All that cutting and sad music is over??? Don't worry about things. The Lord tells you not to worry. God bless you and give you favor where ever you go, love