Affairs

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LittleMermaid

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Would you forgive a cheating spouse? Let's say you were married for about ten years, had kids, and your spouse confessed to cheating on you. They want to go through counseling and make it work. Would you forgive them?

This is something I wonder about. I know that so many people cheat on their spouses. I've had co-workers tell me that they are doing it. It's very sad. I think about how I would react in that situation. I don't think I could forget it. I may forgive them, but forgetting is something different. It would be hard for me...I tend to overthink things and the trust would be gone for sure.

What do you all think? Would you forgive and forget? Or is the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" true?
 
I’ve been on both sides of this situation- and it is a miserable, ugly, selfish thing to do to somebody. It destroys trust, intimacy, every aspect of a marriage.

That being said...

It has been a ton of work for us to get where we are now (12 1/2years of marriage). But it is doable. And it absolutely has not been done in and of ourselves; God has dealt with us each individually and together, and trust has been rebuilt. If either of us had been unwilling to humble ourselves or unwilling to forgive, we wouldn’t have made it. But we went into restoring our marriage with open hearts, and while both of us still remember what happened, we make an effort not to dwell on it and are careful not to use it as a weapon.

This is just my own experience- I know it doesn’t work that way for everyone, but I want people to know it doesn’t always have to mean the end of a marriage, either.

P.S.- it makes a world of difference that we both truly repented. Actual change is necessary to rebuild trust.
 
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Depends on what you mean by 'forgive'.

Forgive as in want to stay with her? No. May sound harsh, but that's honestly how I feel.

Forgive as in not hold any grudges and would lend a helping hand if she needed it? I don't know, but I'd like to think I would.

I wouldn't want to be with her anymore, though.
 
MissCris said it very well in her post. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing these painful parts of your story. :)

I have not been through this exact situation, but one similar. I've also done a lot of work on myself in the area of acknowledging my own wrongdoing, and in forgiving that of others.

We are called to forgive - the parable of the unmerciful servant makes that clear. However, I am coming to believe more that forgiving another person for the wrongs we've received (or perceived) from them is primarily a transaction between ourselves and God. It is like saying, "Lord, that person's actions hurt me. I surrender into Your hands all judgment, retribution and punishment. I am unable to deal with it, but You are able. Please heal the hurt in me." Extending forgiveness to the "cheater", when done in this light, is not excusing their sin or pretending that the hurt doesn't exist. It also doesn't depend upon prior repentance. I forgive the other person because doing so puts me back in right standing with God.

The action of forgiving frees us to relate to the one who hurt us without the baggage of pain and vengeance. However, it does not, by itself, restore trust! Trust is contingent upon acknowledgement of wrongdoing and change in behaviour. I believe both are bound together in the biblical concept of "repent". It's unwise to restore relationship on the basis of a little time and a mumbled "I'm sorry; it won't happen again", when there no evidence of conviction from the Holy Spirit.
 
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For me personally, I think forgiving would be the easy part. But moving on and restoring the relationship would be immensely difficult even if there is true repentance. I have a good memory and a good imagination, so the images of what happened would continuously ruin even wonderful moments.

But I suppose giving it over to God and asking him to removing it from your surface memory may be effectual.
 
"Well I'm not God
I'm a man, I confess
That I don't have a sea of forgetfulness
It's all right here
It makes me stronger
It makes me wince
It makes me think twice when I pick my friends
Oh it's all right here"

~ Sara Groves


As for whether I would continue in a marriage where my wife has had an affair with another man, I couldn't say. Well... I COULD say. I could spout off an answer like I knew what I was talking about, sure, that would be easy. But I have no real idea what I would do.

I hope I never find out what I would do.
 
Okay I've given it a bit more thought. Most likely, for myself, it would be very hard in the beginning and I would have a hard time moving on. But I think eventually I would begin to see my wife as really no more sinful than myself. Yes, it would be all terrible and hurtful, but I think we might even grow closer in the end because I would be able to extend grace and mercy to her like she would (probably) more often have to extend to me and like God extends to both of us.

I guess to summarize, it would even out the playing field a bit! :p

But I hope I won't ever know.
 
At this sappy and romantic stage in my life, where I see everything with rose colored glasses, and having never been married, my answer is "YES! Yes, I want to make it work! Yes! I'd forgive them and strive to build a relationship again!" Obviously nothing this close and sacred, but I've been hurt by people I love before in very bad ways and I know that it is unthinkable and wrong to give anything but wholehearted forgiveness to someone who is wholeheartedly repentant.

Yet forgiving and forgetting are two totally different things. The Bible doesn't tell us to wipe it from our mind, remove that part of our brain. That is impossible. It's not like you're going to forget to the extent that if someone asks you cheerfully inform them that your spouse has always been faithful to you. Forgetfulness is a healing God brings over time, and there is very little we can do to hurry up the process beyond bringing it back to Him every time it comes to our mind. For many things, total forgetfulness of wrongs probably only comes when you get to heaven. Meanwhile, while God works this healing, it is our job to forgive...and let go.

I get a bit upset with people who tell others to "forgive and forget" because for years, I struggled with the notion that I somehow had to not remember when a person wronged me. For some reason, I have very vivid memories of times when I had strong emotions. That means the happiest days of my life are locked in my memory, but it also means that the most hurtful things that people have said or done to me, and the times when I was the most grievously angry or sad are there too. I cannot forget them. But I have forgiven them, by God's grace. When it comes to my mind I am able to banish it from my thoughts with a peace that comes from forgiveness and reconciliation.

Sorry, rant over :p. The long and short of it is yes, I would try to forgive them by God's grace and build a life with them again if they were repentant; no, I wouldn't be likely to forget it. As to "once a cheater always a cheater," that is absolutely true for any sin, without the Lord Jesus Christ.
 
Naw. I've already been cheated on. I wouldn't put up with that again.
It's strange, forgiveness is one of those things that takes supernatural strength to do. A lot of faith.
 
Probably eventually I'd forgive. But I take commitment seriously enough that my first reaction would be to completely remove someone who couldn't keep their word from my life.
 
One who has defiled the marriage bed, needs to prove they have repented and value
the very gift of life their partner has given them.

If they cannot do this, they are not worthy to be forgiven or trusted again.
 
LightLoveHope said:
One who has defiled the marriage bed, needs to prove they have repented and value
the very gift of life their partner has given them.

If they cannot do this, they are not worthy to be forgiven or trusted again.
Click to expand...

Wrong. They are worthy of forgiveness.
Winning back trust, well, yeah, that is a whole 'nother matter.
 
LittleMermaid said:
Would you forgive a cheating spouse? Let's say you were married for about ten years, had kids, and your spouse confessed to cheating on you. They want to go through counseling and make it work. Would you forgive them?

This is something I wonder about. I know that so many people cheat on their spouses. I've had co-workers tell me that they are doing it. It's very sad. I think about how I would react in that situation. I don't think I could forget it. I may forgive them, but forgetting is something different. It would be hard for me...I tend to overthink things and the trust would be gone for sure.

What do you all think? Would you forgive and forget? Or is the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" true?
Click to expand...

Well, I think if they ask for forgiveness and want to work on the supposed marriage than the answer should always be yes! It will take a while for trust to be rebuilt, but every marriage that can be saved should be. There are many people who refuse counseling or to even try to save anything and I believe people are selfish if they refuse to try to go to counseling with their spouse regardless of the circumstances and the noncheating spouse should take advantage of the others humiilty, especially in matters like this. Plus, why throw away a family with children in the mix, divorce oftentimes will affect the child in more ways than one. In today's society people throw away a marriage like they would take out the garbage which is really sad
 
Everyone is different. I have been cheated on before and it's so heartbreaking. I felt like I had been shot, my whole world came tumbling down. As the years went by, I have learned to forgive and as it's already been stated, trust is a whole other problem. To answer the original question, yes, I could forgive a cheating spouse. Ten years is a long time, and I would do anything to try and salvage the relationship. I always remember Mark 11:25 anytime the topic of forgiveness comes up!
 
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