Am I enabling or being supportive?

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canole1983

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My bf/fiance got fired from his job about three weeks ago. He just got a new job this week. We've been together off and on for ten years now and he has never been able to keep the same job for more than about 16 months. When he gets laid off or fired from a job I have to come up with a way to pay the bills all by myself. Today he asked me to ask MY aunt for gas money for him. I didn't want to but I called and left her a message anyways. I feel like the least he can do is have enough money saved up to put gas in his own car! I don't know where being supportive stops and enabling begins. I'm so tired of going through this but I've made a commitment to him. ANY ADVICE?
 
Not really. All I can add is that this economy is horrendous. I know people with relevant master's degrees and twenty years experience working for some of the best companies that are down to scraping by at part-time jobs after being let go and unable to find replacement full time employment. And they've been in this condition for several years. It's no joke anymore.

The old days of just telling someone to "get a job" because they were acting like a lazy bum simply doesn't wash these days on those that are making supreme efforts just to survive in a jobless economy where if they are fortunate enough to find full time employment: no matter how hard they work or how well they do their job, there is a high probability they will be let go at some point for reasons beyond their control.

That said, you certainly are cute as a button and I think you would have your pick of new boyfriends if that's where your heart lies.
 
Well, part of that is determined by WHY is he not working longer? Is he quitting? Is he doing so bad at his jobs they fire him? Or are they temporary jobs from the beginning? That could make a big difference in making a decision. If he's quitting or getting fired, then there may be an element of enabling. What is his work ethic in general? Is he one always trying to find an excuse to call in sick? Or is he one that goes in even when he's sick? There are more factors need to be known to really say for sure what's going on.
If you determine he's a good, hard worker just having a rough time, then you are likely not enabling. But if you find he's lazy and always trying to get out of working, then likely you are. And remember, what you see of him now, is what he will likely be when you're married. So if you determine he's lazy and a bad worker now, then you can rest assure he will not provide for his family very well, and likely you will spend the rest of your life carrying him.
 
tell him to call your aunt or other people himself to ask for money for gas or carpool to work.

Sit down and look at your finances. can you cut out things like beer, cigarettes, soda drinks, candy, etc?

don't get into credit card debit if you can help it and try your best to live in your means. if you really can't pay the bills have him apply for food stamps.

otherwise just pray about your situation. does he love you as a good Christian man should? is he trying his best?

try and save money if you can and i wouldn't call my relatives to ask for money for him. that gets old quick.

if he needs money he should be humble enough to ask the other person himself.
 
Dear friend,

You said two things that I find particularly compelling. Those things were "We've been together off and on for ten years now". And "I'm so tired of going through this but I've made a commitment to him."

In light of those two statements, I must ask, "What commitment exactly are you talking about?". For one thing, you are not married. It would appear that you must have doubts about his long term viability. And if you will forgive me for saying so, where there is smoke, there is usually fire.

Scripture tells us that marriage is when, "...a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) And the apostle, Paul, warned us, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. ... what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" (2 Corinthians 6: 13 & 15) Finally, he (Paul) admonished us, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ..." (Ephesians 5:25) I see no evidence of any of that where you and your "bf/fiance" are concerned.

To be blunt, yes. I believe that you are enabling him. It would seem that you need to decide whether you want to deal with this for the rest of your life. I would advise you to take your problem to God. Ask him if what you are feeling is true Christian love, or something else altoghether. Also, if you can, seek the Godly counsel of someone close to you; a pastor, a good friend who is a strong believer, or someone who is familiar with your situation.

God be with you in your struggle.
 
Read up, and look into Adult ADHD type-inattentive. Google and research what a relationship looks like when one partner has this..............If this is an issue in your relationship, and he can get an assessment, then you can find him the help he needs in order to function productively as a man/husband needs to in a relationship. Seriously, research this today.
 
Thank you all so much for the responses. I truely appreciate the honest advice. I will pray some more about our relationship. And dmdave17, thank you for the bible verses.

Ariel 82, I agree he should be the one asking for money instead of me doing it for him. And we don't smoke and we don't drink that much. But I'm sure there's. Something we could cut back on.

Ageofknowledge, thank you for reminding me that this economy is a mess right now.

Ugly, he doesn't call in and he's always on time for work.. He just keeps getting these temp jobs instead of really putting forth the effort to get a permanent job.
 
Strong1 said:
Read up, and look into Adult ADHD type-inattentive. Google and research what a relationship looks like when one partner has this..............If this is an issue in your relationship, and he can get an assessment, then you can find him the help he needs in order to function productively as a man/husband needs to in a relationship. Seriously, research this today.
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In the past I used to think maybe he did have some kind of problem with attentiveness. I guess I just got used to his personality over the years. I will definitely research this. Thanks for your advice!
 
canole1983 said:
In the past I used to think maybe he did have some kind of problem with attentiveness. I guess I just got used to his personality over the years. I will definitely research this. Thanks for your advice!
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I say this because I was you a few years ago. My husband after so much struggle in our marriage, (especially financially) was diagnosed. With MUCH Prayer, and council, and provision with the tools he needed in order to manage, i am superiorly proud of who he is today, and the great change that God has done in his Character. I have a testimony! Keep praying. God will answer. one way or the other!
 
canole1983 said:
My bf/fiance got fired from his job about three weeks ago. He just got a new job this week. We've been together off and on for ten years now and he has never been able to keep the same job for more than about 16 months. When he gets laid off or fired from a job I have to come up with a way to pay the bills all by myself. Today he asked me to ask MY aunt for gas money for him. I didn't want to but I called and left her a message anyways. I feel like the least he can do is have enough money saved up to put gas in his own car! I don't know where being supportive stops and enabling begins. I'm so tired of going through this but I've made a commitment to him. ANY ADVICE?
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10 years!!!! are you kidding?
1) why do you have an expectation that you should not have to pay YOUR bills YOURSELF? Are you living together?
2) If you are not living together why are you co-mingling financial responsibilities? You are not married?
3) Questions one and two aside... WHY as a christian woman have you made yourself exclusive to a man who has a history of not being able to provide stability and is clearly not interested in marrying since it's been 10 years?

ENABLING
 
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Ugly said:
Well, part of that is determined by WHY is he not working longer? Is he quitting? Is he doing so bad at his jobs they fire him? Or are they temporary jobs from the beginning? That could make a big difference in making a decision. If he's quitting or getting fired, then there may be an element of enabling. What is his work ethic in general? Is he one always trying to find an excuse to call in sick? Or is he one that goes in even when he's sick? There are more factors need to be known to really say for sure what's going on.
If you determine he's a good, hard worker just having a rough time, then you are likely not enabling. But if you find he's lazy and always trying to get out of working, then likely you are. And remember, what you see of him now, is what he will likely be when you're married. So if you determine he's lazy and a bad worker now, then you can rest assure he will not provide for his family very well, and likely you will spend the rest of your life carrying him.
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very good advice i dont think you could put that better now days its hard to find someone who actually wants to work
 
canole1983 said:
My bf/fiance got fired from his job about three weeks ago. He just got a new job this week. We've been together off and on for ten years now and he has never been able to keep the same job for more than about 16 months. When he gets laid off or fired from a job I have to come up with a way to pay the bills all by myself. Today he asked me to ask MY aunt for gas money for him. I didn't want to but I called and left her a message anyways. I feel like the least he can do is have enough money saved up to put gas in his own car! I don't know where being supportive stops and enabling begins. I'm so tired of going through this but I've made a commitment to him. ANY ADVICE?
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Talk to him. I cannot answer anything about this for you.

The best advice I can give you is stop looking for answers outside of your relationship and start finding them with the person that actually matters.

You could speculate all day on this and come to nothing.

A partnership isn't a three way thing.

And don't listen to the people hinting at you to get a new partner. That's just typical of the world today, give up over a small issue.

Ten years is a long time. Haven't you ever tried to talk to him about this?

I'd say the best thing you can do is turn off the TV, make a nice dinner and sit down and get to the bottom of this with him as a human being. Share your feelings and let him share his. Quiet voices :)
 
canole1983 said:
My bf/fiance got fired from his job about three weeks ago. He just got a new job this week. We've been together off and on for ten years now and he has never been able to keep the same job for more than about 16 months. When he gets laid off or fired from a job I have to come up with a way to pay the bills all by myself. Today he asked me to ask MY aunt for gas money for him. I didn't want to but I called and left her a message anyways. I feel like the least he can do is have enough money saved up to put gas in his own car! I don't know where being supportive stops and enabling begins. I'm so tired of going through this but I've made a commitment to him. ANY ADVICE?
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I may be reading into what you wrote, please forgive me if I am, but you said when he gets laid off you have to pay the bills by yourself which is confusing to me.

If you both are not living together which should be a given fo any follower of Christ, then why must you pay his bills? I can see helping him out until he gets back on his feet as this is a good thing to do,unless he takes your money and spends it on foolish things that he doesnt need, the money you lend him should go for food, his rent, etc..and again I am assuming you both dont live together, because if you are you are not setting a good example, and also in sin especially if you are fornicating.

I dont know your complete situation, but IF you are living with your BF, and this is a common pratice of the lukewarm church and Christian, then first repent, live by yourself, live a holy life and example, and let your BF family help him if he refuses to repent and seek the mercy of God, especially if he is loosing jobs for being dishonest, lazy, tardy,etc..

Hope this helps.
 
canole1983 said:
My bf/fiance got fired from his job about three weeks ago. He just got a new job this week. We've been together off and on for ten years now and he has never been able to keep the same job for more than about 16 months. When he gets laid off or fired from a job I have to come up with a way to pay the bills all by myself. Today he asked me to ask MY aunt for gas money for him. I didn't want to but I called and left her a message anyways. I feel like the least he can do is have enough money saved up to put gas in his own car! I don't know where being supportive stops and enabling begins. I'm so tired of going through this but I've made a commitment to him. ANY ADVICE?
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Wow that's tough. It's sometimes hard to break away from these kinds of relationships. Went threw a similar one actually.

My advice is move on. It's been 10 years. Nothings gonna ever change. You're not helping him by staying. You're hurting him. Because he never has to man up because he has you as a fall back plan. If he has no fall back then he'll be forced to mature and grow as a human being and be responsible.

Like I'd encourage him if I were you to either go back to school and or learn a trade. Without knowing some specific way to make an income he's always gonna bounce around never finding a calling of something he's good at doing. At least with a trade he could start his own business if he has problems working for others as some people are like that.

Here's the thing, he's still a boy. A real man would never ask his girlfriend for gas money. Or any money, unless it was say some massive strange emergency. A real man has a steady job or business. Has income, savings, investments to fall back on. Even if it's not a lot. A real man doesn't make excuses.

It's unfortunate that as the saying goes why do the good girls always like the bad boys. Well maybe it's something to try but at some point you have to grow up too right. I'll pray for you both. God bless.
 
From everything you've said it sounds like you're living together. I agree with BarleyGurl. 10 years? Sounds like to me it's time to drop two bad habits...... living with guys, and living with a guy that won't support you. I know this sounds blunt, but you have brought this upon yourself. You should have never agreed to live with him in the first place. Then you would've found out how "committed" he really is. You could have saved yourself 10 years that you can never get back. Shacking up is a sin. It's time to repent.
 
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I see "troubled waters" ahead for a boyfriend that cannot keep his job. What will you do if you marry this person and he ends up on the couch while you work to support the whole family?
I was an employeer for years and I can tell you that we are looking for good responsible employees we can keep...not fire! Firing people is expensive, time consuming and a waste of training and resources for everyone concerned. Showing up late for work continually,bad attitudes,substance abuse, are some of the reasons an employee is let go, but there are many other reasons. Find out what the reasons are, it cannot always be "someoone else's fault"
An employee who does his work "as unto the Lord" is the BEST EMPLOYEE.
 
Your fiance need help to find out the root-cause and overcome his problem. Meanwhile, i think you should support him emotionally and financially. If can't, then better start to try getting rid of unnecessarily expenses. GOD BLESS.
 
Matthew 18:15-17 15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Galatians 6:1-2 1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. 2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

While praying for such situations is good, it is at best incomplete. What good is it to pray for someone who has a sinful problem without going to them as the Scripture says and telling them about their sin? No one can be restored who has sinned until they first repent. Until they know this, they cannot be restored. Thanks to the few who said the right things to show this lady what she really needs to do.
 
As with anything worth having You have to put god first before him and before yourself ....realize that nothing is as important as this one thing "PUT JESUS FIRST " jobs come and go times are seriously not easy out there if you do not love him enough to support him...should you need to . Then why be committed to him at all? He seems to try . what if he could not work? Why focus on what he can't do instead of being grateful he can try . 10 whole years off and on ....He is the same.....he wont be changing fast it appears . Try asking Holy Spirit to hover over him while he is at work to give him any help he might need. best job coach to have that Holy Spirit...but Gods will concerning this matter all the same.
 
Each of us has his/her personality issues. Some of us have more extreme issues. Unfortunately, society has stigmatized many because of labels, OCD, ADHD, bi-polar, etc. For that reason, people are often hesitant to seek guidance.

I have a very low tolerance for office politics and other such nonsense. I could probably be labeled as having OCD for a number of reasons, but I won't go into that. Anyway, I've found it difficult to work for others. I work well with others who carry their own weight in the working relationship, but that's about it.

Knowing how I am, I chose a career path in which I could work independently. I have my own business. If I didn't have my own business, I'd probably be best off working in a trade that allows me to work independently, electrician, plumber, etc. But what has really made the difference for me is the teamwork I enjoy with my wife, second only to our Faith in God and His blessings.

My business doesn't bring in much money, but it allows me the flexibility to tend to the kids. This in turn, has freed up my wife to pursue her career and bring in the bulk of the income. It works quite well because I'm much better with the kids and she's much more ambitious. I know it's not the traditional family dynamic, but I feel God has blessed us in this way. Fellas, don't hate. :)

I would encourage your boyfriend to find out what he can feel comfortable doing career wise and get the training necessary to fulfill that. And I would encourage both of you to seek God's guidance with regard to your relationship. Obviously, you're not married. And the relationship you have with each other may be impacting how God might bless you both financially and spiritually.
 
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