Am I right to feel hurt here?....

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V

Vidy

Guest
#1
#1
Ok, I'm going to do my best to keep my personal bias out of this and give the facts-

#1- I am in a long distance relationship
#2- BOTH of our parents support this relationship, and our moms our best friends from high school
#3- After we saw each other on Christmas, I begin trying to set up plans for a visit on Valentine's weekend
#4- About two weeks ago, her parents and my parents finally agreed on a plan
#5- About a week before the trip, my girlfriend's mom suggest my little sister come, since my little sister is my gf's little sister's friend
#6- Today, 3 days before the trip, she suggest that all my sibs come(my little brother and other little sister).
#7- My little sister happens to be friends with my girlfriend and she will want to spend time with her, and my little brother isn't' really friends with any of them


So am I right to feel hurt in this situation? Or am I just being "overly dramatic" or "overly possessive" here?
 
G

greatkraw

Guest
#2
#2
Vidy said:
Ok, I'm going to do my best to keep my personal bias out of this and give the facts-

#1- I am in a long distance relationship
#2- BOTH of our parents support this relationship, and our moms our best friends from high school
#3- After we saw each other on Christmas, I begin trying to set up plans for a visit on Valentine's weekend
#4- About two weeks ago, her parents and my parents finally agreed on a plan
#5- About a week before the trip, my girlfriend's mom suggest my little sister come, since my little sister is my gf's little sister's friend
#6- Today, 3 days before the trip, she suggest that all my sibs come(my little brother and other little sister).
#7- My little sister happens to be friends with my girlfriend and she will want to spend time with her, and my little brother isn't' really friends with any of them


So am I right to feel hurt in this situation? Or am I just being "overly dramatic" or "overly possessive" here?
Click to expand...
yes and yes

your girlfroendsmum is in effect your auntie
so they are all in effect HER neices/nephews
you will get some alone time
but you will also impress your girl if you organise some things for all the kids to do ie her sister and your siblings

do that and she will see you as father material
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#3
#3
greatkraw said:
yes and yes

your girlfroendsmum is in effect your auntie
so they are all in effect HER neices/nephews
you will get some alone time
but you will also impress your girl if you organise some things for all the kids to do ie her sister and your siblings

do that and she will see you as father material
Click to expand...
I think I left a few things out...

My family is a family of six, with 4 kids. Her family is a family of 8, 6 kids. Their house isn't exactly huge, and my sibligns are old enough to have a bedtime as late as mine... And the VTD date will be a double date with her parents, and we can't even sit at separate tables because it's "too intimate." Alone time is very unlikely, especially since my sister will try to spend as much time as possible with her friend =(

And as much as I love hanging out with my gf in general, alone-time is nice, and I wanted this trip to mainly focus on us ='(

Oh, just got some new info on the details of the situation, and this may or may not let bias in. The way things actually went down for the invitation thing-
Her mom invites my little sister since they "won't get in our way"
When my gf's other little sister finds out my sister's coming, she wants my brother to come too since she has a crush on him
Since us three are going, and my other sister is friends with my gf, she'd feel hurt if she couldn't come, so she gets invited too

=/
 
E

Ellie

Senior Member
#4
Dec 14, 2009
225
7
18
#4
Hi Vidy. Before even reading your post I wanted to say something about even just the title. I've spent some time in councelling and believe me when I tell you it's really important to understand that it is never wrong to feel anything. Hurt especially.

The decisions you make are your choice, and your attitude is your choice. But the way you feel, simply is what it is. If you feel hurt, you feel hurt. When pain exists, it hurts. If you scraped your knee, you could cry about it. Or you could choose to bite your lip and not cry. You could blame somebody, or you could decide just to believe that these things just happen and just shrug it off. But despite what you choose, it probably will hurt. It's just your body's reaction.

It's a similar story with emotions. Usually there is some experience or insecurity or sensitivity due to past hurts that will trigger you feeling a certain way in response to a situation, and at a time when you feel ready it is useful to examine those and try to process your reaction. But that doesn't make your emotional reaction wrong. It's your response to your reaction that you can control - what you do with your feelings, or despite them. Hard to do.

But yeah I just wanted to answer you with no, you're not wrong to feel hurt, becuase clearly you do feel hurt. So that is what it is. Once you can recognise and validate that emotion it might make choosing your attitude a clearer path if you can separate the two. I don't mean to sound like a phych, I just have a bit of a frustration with misconceptions on this subject.

Love
 
E

Ellie

Senior Member
#5
Dec 14, 2009
225
7
18
#5
I guess maybe what you really meant to ask is "do you think this is fair?"

I hope this statement doesn't hurt you even more, becuase you obviously are feeling frustrated about your lack of control over the situation...

It doesn't matter whether it's fair, unless there's something you can do about it. Understand what I mean. Injustice matters. Your feelings matter. Your interests matter. But what I'm saying is that you can't control what you can't control and what I perceive to be the way you are trying to deal with this frustrating fact is by looking for validation for what you feel is unfair. And that's ok, that's why I'm telling you it is ok that you feel hurt. It's ok to admit that "this situation sucks - for me. And I'm hurt that it is happening this way."

From there though, the only way to salvage any possibility of enjoying perhaps not what you hoped it would be, but what else it could become, is to separate your feelings from your attitude and make choices based on productive goals, not on emotions.

Love you lots. Hearing your pain, and caring

Feel free to tell me I'm wrong. I'm not a stuck-up, unteachable know-it-all :)

Ellie
 
C

collective

Guest
#6
#6
youl be right mate, just go with a clean heart and with Gods favour, some things that are not in your control you just have to trust.
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#7
#7
Yeah, I had a good weekend, though it definitely would have been better without my siblings... In fact, the two that weren't supposed to originally come were the ones who got in the way the most =( My girlfriend DID spend a large majority of the time with me though, and I'm very grateful for that ^_^

The situation still hurts, and I really think our parents could have handles the situation much better than they did... There are few things I hold onto, but this is one of them =/ I know I can't change it, and I know everyone makes mistakes, but they made this mistake, threw it in my face, had many opportunities to change it, and then didn't >=( The only other real problem like this I can think of is when my parents didn't let me go to a lock-in because my mom had an "uncomfortable feeling." REALLY?!? It was an event at another church, and I just wanted to go because we'd recently moved there and I wanted to show off ma video game skillz =P

I forgive stuff like this, and I love them regardless... But I don't forget it, especially if it's big. Is it right for me to still feel hurt by it even after it's done? They said they "acted in the best interest of everybody" (which I don't agree with) and that, "They were sorry I felt that way." Is this an apology or not?? I'm confused ='(
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#8
#8
Oh, and just so there's no misunderstandings, DURING the trip I was fine. I showed her parents respect and only made one or two occasional jokes about the "If THEY weren't here," thing... And even then, it was only when I was joking, and I wasn't TOO serious about it =P I enjoyed what I was able to get, and I'm happy for that.
 
loveschild

loveschild

Banned
#9
May 21, 2009
3,955
25
0
#9
Maybe the parents are trying to have their own happy valentines day with no kids?
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#10
#10
loveschild said:
Maybe the parents are trying to have their own happy valentines day with no kids?
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Nope. My parents (or at least my dad) were working on a Valentine's Day banquet for our church- The men cooked steaks for the women =P He was on that ALL of Saturday and Sunday, so I don't think that we would have been a problem to their weekend. Also, HER parents ended up going on a double-date with us, since they think single-dating is "too emotionally intimate" (bull). Also, for her parents, instead of having 8 children at her house (her 6 kids, me, and a family friend), they had 11 (her 6, family friend, and me and my 3 sibs).

I am NEVER having that many kids -.- lol
 
D

Dread_Zeppelin

Guest
#11
#11
Vidy said:
Yeah, I had a good weekend, though it definitely would have been better without my siblings... In fact, the two that weren't supposed to originally come were the ones who got in the way the most =( My girlfriend DID spend a large majority of the time with me though, and I'm very grateful for that ^_^

The situation still hurts, and I really think our parents could have handles the situation much better than they did... There are few things I hold onto, but this is one of them =/ I know I can't change it, and I know everyone makes mistakes, but they made this mistake, threw it in my face, had many opportunities to change it, and then didn't >=( The only other real problem like this I can think of is when my parents didn't let me go to a lock-in because my mom had an "uncomfortable feeling." REALLY?!? It was an event at another church, and I just wanted to go because we'd recently moved there and I wanted to show off ma video game skillz =P

I forgive stuff like this, and I love them regardless... But I don't forget it, especially if it's big. Is it right for me to still feel hurt by it even after it's done? They said they "acted in the best interest of everybody" (which I don't agree with) and that, "They were sorry I felt that way." Is this an apology or not?? I'm confused ='(
Click to expand...

Sounds like there are problems on both ends of the issue. As far as the "lock in" problem: Parents get to hear the horror stories of today (my 14 year old got pregnant, my son does drugs) and their response to them can be 1 of 3 things: fear which leads to lack of trust, trust in God and a conversation with their children, or ignore it and hope it all goes away.

Your mother having a bad feeling could be because she was afraid for you (lack of trust) or she actually heard from God. Either way it should have been talked about and I'm assuming they did the "and that's final" routine. If it wasn't God, do not resent your parents for the poor choices and lack of good judgment they act on because chances are they either 1. dont remember doing it or 2. think they're doing it for your own good (because yes they love you very much). Also harboring bad feelings is self destructive and frankly sinful.

The biggest problem between teens and parents is lack of trust, lack of communication, or just plain lack of control. Teens wanted to be treated like adults. They're not stupid so if you give a stupid reason or dont explain why you think the way you do, teens get angry and resentful which leads to rebellion.

If my parents had actually bothered to sit me down and talk to me like an adult, listen to what I had to say, and not dismiss me I think all our lives would have been a lot less complicated. It doesn't mean I was right- but I would have liked my thoughts and feelings to have merit and respect. If teens can't go to their parents for that reassurance how well do you expect them to function as adults?

You are 17 and before you know it you will be 21 and out of the house soon enough. Honor your father and mother as the Lord commanded and He will bless you. Put all your trust in God because He is the only perfect thing in your life that wont disappoint you. Your parents are people too.
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#12
#12
I'm out of the house later this year.... still at 17... Out of school early, barely missed the age deadline and made it in anyway XD I'll be 17 for my first month and a half of college lol. Anyway, I'l out of the house next year... But my girlfriend doesn't happen to be out of her house 'till I'm 21, so that's a good age to mention anyway XD

And yeah, I wish I could have that respect with her parents. I generally get it with mine, but her mom is super-authoritarian and, her mom just told me this a few days ago, my gf's dad refuses to stand up to her because her dad's dad abused his mom, and he doesn't want to continue that through generations (hope you could make sense of all those confusing pronouns lol). Like I said, I forgive them for it, but I still remember it. Since this kind of stuff is almost over on my part anyway, I can just keep it with me and prevent me from making those mistakes with my kids =P
 
MyBagsRPacked

MyBagsRPacked

Banned
#13
Nov 12, 2009
354
2
0
#13
Vidy said:
Ok, I'm going to do my best to keep my personal bias out of this and give the facts-

#1- I am in a long distance relationship
#2- BOTH of our parents support this relationship, and our moms our best friends from high school
#3- After we saw each other on Christmas, I begin trying to set up plans for a visit on Valentine's weekend
#4- About two weeks ago, her parents and my parents finally agreed on a plan
#5- About a week before the trip, my girlfriend's mom suggest my little sister come, since my little sister is my gf's little sister's friend
#6- Today, 3 days before the trip, she suggest that all my sibs come(my little brother and other little sister).
#7- My little sister happens to be friends with my girlfriend and she will want to spend time with her, and my little brother isn't' really friends with any of them


So am I right to feel hurt in this situation? Or am I just being "overly dramatic" or "overly possessive" here?
Click to expand...
So, if I'm reading this right, you girlfriend is essentially your step-sister...?
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#14
#14
MyBagsRPacked said:
So, if I'm reading this right, you girlfriend is essentially your step-sister...?
Click to expand...
No, not at all.

Her family includes her dad, her mom, her 3 little sisters, and her two little brothers (all adopted).
My family includes my mom, my dad, my little brother, and my two little sisters.

The only relation between the families was that my mom and her mom were best friends during high school, and are still best friends today. If all works out, her and I will be married putting another tie between our families =P

My little brother is also looking at her little sister Paige... it'd be so weird if they ended up together too XD But that'd be a sister-in-law situation, not a step-sister, and I doubt that's happening anyway lol.
 
QuestionTime

QuestionTime

Senior Member
#15
Feb 16, 2010
1,435
20
38
#15
Vidy said:
I think I left a few things out...

My family is a family of six, with 4 kids. Her family is a family of 8, 6 kids. Their house isn't exactly huge, and my sibligns are old enough to have a bedtime as late as mine... And the VTD date will be a double date with her parents, and we can't even sit at separate tables because it's "too intimate." Alone time is very unlikely, especially since my sister will try to spend as much time as possible with her friend =(

And as much as I love hanging out with my gf in general, alone-time is nice, and I wanted this trip to mainly focus on us ='(
Click to expand...
This answer may get to you too late - I don't know - so I'll tell you anyway...

My opinion is that if you go to visit her feeling this way then you are going to blow your top when you are there and it's not going to reflect well on you.

Why don't you tell your girlfriend how you feel? Telling her won't change the circumstances of the visit, but at least you'll be able to get this off your chest.

Quest

EDIT: I see you already visited her. Glad to hear you got some personal time.

As for me, I need to learn to read to the end of the thread before I post!
 
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S

squidmike

Banned
#16
Jan 13, 2010
98
0
0
#16
One, how long have you two been dating? Two, how long was the visit supossed to be? Because if it is only for one day then i see your point. But if she's there for more time then ,since she's friends with others in your family, thenshe can spend a little time with them ,since she is only your girlfriend and not your wife
 
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