B
bluebirdchaser
Guest
I can't believe someone as writing minded as me has neglected to utilize the blog entries. I mean honestly...
As an introduction, I am bluebird chaser. My real name is Jade, I'm from Illinois in the United States (it's sort of in the middle of the country but more north for those who don't know. If you know where Chicago is right around there) and that drawing in my profile pic is slightly off. My skin is not that dark, though it is still clearly African American. I've sort of taken greeting new comers to the site as my job because I think feeling welcomed into a Christian environment is important. Getting rained with God's love from the moment you step in I think should be something to strive for. I'm not always so good at it in real life (I'm rather introverted...) but it's easier for me on the internet so why waste the opportunity God hands you, you know? I'm not always the best in a crisis but if you ever need to vent I want to be there for you. God will give me the words to say in those cases
I like writing (mostly prose though I do poetry and lyrics too), singing, acting, drawing, reading, and nerding out. This I include just so if people with similar interests want to chat it up they know.
Onto my testimony testimony. There wasn't exactly a dramatic coming to Christ for me (well, dramatic in some's sense of the word. There's sort of a drama from going from death into life and becoming a new creature in Christ). I was raised in a Christian household though my faith didn't really phase me until somewhere in and around middle school, possibly with the realization that I didn't know what Easter celebrated. I sort of started to pay more attention to my faith then, eventually asking for a Bible for Christmas, my family checking out churches and such, and finally me getting baptized for the first time on August 25, 2008 I'm pretty sure. I think the real drama was keeping me not just in the faith, but in one piece so to speak.
I am an incredibly anxious person. It runs in my family, I'm very thought oriented, it's understandable. Of course anxious and emotion are words that seem to some not to have a lot of force. In my brain though they can grip you, throw your mind into a pitch black tempest, make you want to kill yourself. Oh yes, I have wanted to die. I was never really suicidal, I knew for a fact that I would never even seriously consider it but I've wanted to go away with God.
Then there's the self-loathing. Now most of us from what I can tell hate ourselves from time to time, but sometimes in the mind of a perfectionist, self-loathing can turn into a mental weapon of mass destruction. I've mentally kicked, punched, and done any number of violent things to myself, I've called myself all number of terrible names. I've thought more than once "You should die". These seem like just words, and for a while I sort of just thought that. Then one day as I was preparing for a Voice jury (a little thing that happens in voice lessons sometimes when you sing some of the songs you're learning for the faculty). I utterly procrastinated on a large portion of the paperwork I was supposed to do. As I rushed from place to place in performance attire to try to throw together as much of the paperwork as I could I hacked away at myself with a mental ax. Stupid, idiot, I hate you, I hate you so much etc etc
I hated on myself so much that before I could warm up for the jury I started crying and couldn't stop. An activity that requires your voice and complete breathing control and I had made myself cry.
Now, praise God because the teacher not only let me go later when I was pulled together, but let me turn the paperwork in later that day when it was finished, but it was then I realized that self loathing could disrupt your life and wanted to stop it.
All of these things I just mean to use as an illustration to how much my brain is apt to fall apart just to better appreciate how much God has kept me together. There are times when I've wondered if I should go on meds yet I never had to because no matter how bad things got God was there so it would never be too much. He was my hope that kept me from ever considering suicide. His spirit strengthens me when I feel like I can't stand to go on anymore. And his existence gives me hope when I'm taking classes like Humans and the Environment and Culture, Diversity, and Expressions that basically say how much humans have wrecked both the world and other people.
[Throwing this out here right now, I am not hating on people who need medication. There are plenty in my family that take it which is one of the reasons why I thought maybe I should too.]
I could go into more specific accounts, and God willing maybe I will at some point since I now have an outlet for writing specially what God does in my life, but we'll see. If you stuck through and read this then bless you, person, and I'm sorry but yes I am always this wordy.
Have a lovely evening y'all
As an introduction, I am bluebird chaser. My real name is Jade, I'm from Illinois in the United States (it's sort of in the middle of the country but more north for those who don't know. If you know where Chicago is right around there) and that drawing in my profile pic is slightly off. My skin is not that dark, though it is still clearly African American. I've sort of taken greeting new comers to the site as my job because I think feeling welcomed into a Christian environment is important. Getting rained with God's love from the moment you step in I think should be something to strive for. I'm not always so good at it in real life (I'm rather introverted...) but it's easier for me on the internet so why waste the opportunity God hands you, you know? I'm not always the best in a crisis but if you ever need to vent I want to be there for you. God will give me the words to say in those cases
I like writing (mostly prose though I do poetry and lyrics too), singing, acting, drawing, reading, and nerding out. This I include just so if people with similar interests want to chat it up they know.
Onto my testimony testimony. There wasn't exactly a dramatic coming to Christ for me (well, dramatic in some's sense of the word. There's sort of a drama from going from death into life and becoming a new creature in Christ). I was raised in a Christian household though my faith didn't really phase me until somewhere in and around middle school, possibly with the realization that I didn't know what Easter celebrated. I sort of started to pay more attention to my faith then, eventually asking for a Bible for Christmas, my family checking out churches and such, and finally me getting baptized for the first time on August 25, 2008 I'm pretty sure. I think the real drama was keeping me not just in the faith, but in one piece so to speak.
I am an incredibly anxious person. It runs in my family, I'm very thought oriented, it's understandable. Of course anxious and emotion are words that seem to some not to have a lot of force. In my brain though they can grip you, throw your mind into a pitch black tempest, make you want to kill yourself. Oh yes, I have wanted to die. I was never really suicidal, I knew for a fact that I would never even seriously consider it but I've wanted to go away with God.
Then there's the self-loathing. Now most of us from what I can tell hate ourselves from time to time, but sometimes in the mind of a perfectionist, self-loathing can turn into a mental weapon of mass destruction. I've mentally kicked, punched, and done any number of violent things to myself, I've called myself all number of terrible names. I've thought more than once "You should die". These seem like just words, and for a while I sort of just thought that. Then one day as I was preparing for a Voice jury (a little thing that happens in voice lessons sometimes when you sing some of the songs you're learning for the faculty). I utterly procrastinated on a large portion of the paperwork I was supposed to do. As I rushed from place to place in performance attire to try to throw together as much of the paperwork as I could I hacked away at myself with a mental ax. Stupid, idiot, I hate you, I hate you so much etc etc
I hated on myself so much that before I could warm up for the jury I started crying and couldn't stop. An activity that requires your voice and complete breathing control and I had made myself cry.
Now, praise God because the teacher not only let me go later when I was pulled together, but let me turn the paperwork in later that day when it was finished, but it was then I realized that self loathing could disrupt your life and wanted to stop it.
All of these things I just mean to use as an illustration to how much my brain is apt to fall apart just to better appreciate how much God has kept me together. There are times when I've wondered if I should go on meds yet I never had to because no matter how bad things got God was there so it would never be too much. He was my hope that kept me from ever considering suicide. His spirit strengthens me when I feel like I can't stand to go on anymore. And his existence gives me hope when I'm taking classes like Humans and the Environment and Culture, Diversity, and Expressions that basically say how much humans have wrecked both the world and other people.
[Throwing this out here right now, I am not hating on people who need medication. There are plenty in my family that take it which is one of the reasons why I thought maybe I should too.]
I could go into more specific accounts, and God willing maybe I will at some point since I now have an outlet for writing specially what God does in my life, but we'll see. If you stuck through and read this then bless you, person, and I'm sorry but yes I am always this wordy.
Have a lovely evening y'all
