Hi, I'm a Christian. Been one for many years. Baptized, read through the whole bible, been through miracles, all of it. So it really shames me to post the prayer request I am about to post. It represents the worst of me, the side I don't understand and always try to silence. But it's good to vent. I know there are billions living in worse conditions than I am, starving, suffering, quadriplegics, malformed, malnourished, just endless suffering. And me as an American with a roof over my head that I can pay for, I should just be the absolute most happiest being in the world, and anything else is selfishness and idiocy. But alas.
At age 30, I am so tired of life. Nothing is as I thought it should be, and I can't imagine why God has planned it this way. I know the lump of clay should not ask the potter what he's doing. It's futility.
Singleness is absolute trash, and nothing could convince me otherwise, and I've prayed and prayed and prayed to God for him to remove the desire to find love and a lifelong companion away from me. But no change. So therein is suffering. It's not like I'm ugly, or unemployed, or short or anything, but I have been stymied my whole life, and I've stopped looking anyways. I feel in general because of my poor upbringing, being a victim of narcissism, intimate assault, verbal abuses, and homelessness that I was powerless to help as a young teen, that many opportunities were stolen from me, and that there is a huge amount of time wasted and lost that I will never get back, and I mourn over that. I also feel like there is just no reason to try to do anything anymore. There's no joy in wasting time with hobbies on this decaying world. Heck, why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who feels like that anyways, ha. Oh I know I'm no catch, and I deserve to remain single. Part of me just wants to become a remote-job workaholic, move into a small trailer, plant it and myself deep in the woods somewhere and wait out life till I finally receive the gift of dying. But God probably wants me to help instead. And help I do. The only thing I'm actually any good for is people asking me to do this and that, and me doing it out of compassion or obligation. All we are told to do in this life is basically spreading God's word and treating others with love. I think I've got this down. That's not difficult. I'll gladly put others before myself. I'll let them trample over my life time and finances if it helps them.
I'm so embarrassed at how my life has ended up, that I never open up to anyone enough for them to actually know me. Even my church friends don't truly know me, I don't let people get close enough, and nobody tries very hard anyways. It is a vicious cycle. Whenever I give them a hint that something isn't right with me emotionally, all of them have some spectacular and intelligent advice that they feel should help. And sure, it probably would help any normal person. But I just think it would be nice if God would do away with me. Now I can't do that myself..not to God and the family that apparently cares about me, but I certainly would welcome a quick and simple means of passing away. But his will be done. It's certainly apparent that his will is for me to experience all of this, as there's no escape. Not even catching covid was enough to do the job. Whatever character of spirit he's trying to build, I hope it's working.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Or the next day. All of it is vain and "striving after the wind" and probably why I've never felt content.
Funny thing is, is that despite all of this, I'm acutely adapt at pretending to be normal enough to help coax people out of their own depression and get them to open up about themselves, without them ever even knowing that I was probably more down than they were. I've been told I'm emotionally intelligent. I doubt that highly. And who knows perhaps I help out of selfishness because it gives my own life a smidgen of purpose when I help people. Helping others, is actually the only potential reason to even be here. The greatest thing though, is that Jesus is coming back. Potentially soon. And then I won't have to worry about anything.
No, I'm NOT going to do myself in. This thread isn't to invoke a panic response or sympathy or mockery (though feel free to laugh, I know I had a good chuckle at the absurdity of it all already)
My prayer, I guess, is for internal peace. If I must live with all of this, and myself, at least let it be without the mental anguish.
As a heads up, I won't be replying here, if you guys are trying to talk to me, because it was already painful enough to write all of this and I don't want to cry even more. I joined the forum, just for a one time prayer request. Nobody needs a super downer/loser hanging around downing people. I would have to make a second account, some time after I've dragged myself out of this current ditch, before allowing myself to converse.
Your advice is all probably very sound and comes from a heartfelt place, but it's very likely to be inapplicable to the situation. Eventually I will tell myself enough lies to temporarily overcome my depression as I usually have to do every few months. And then it's all smiles and roses till the thin wall of illusion shatters once more.
I know I'm saved. There is good fruit being produced slowly, and I have every confidence that I would not be able to care enough to endure all of this emotional turmoil, if God had not called me to be strong. So with that, at least I have heaven to look forward too, even if I have to live another stinky 70 years.
Now that I'm done with that abhorrently disgusting pity party and display that makes me want to throw up, I will be showing myself the door.
Prayers are appreciated, I know you guys are busy though.
At age 30, I am so tired of life. Nothing is as I thought it should be, and I can't imagine why God has planned it this way. I know the lump of clay should not ask the potter what he's doing. It's futility.
Singleness is absolute trash, and nothing could convince me otherwise, and I've prayed and prayed and prayed to God for him to remove the desire to find love and a lifelong companion away from me. But no change. So therein is suffering. It's not like I'm ugly, or unemployed, or short or anything, but I have been stymied my whole life, and I've stopped looking anyways. I feel in general because of my poor upbringing, being a victim of narcissism, intimate assault, verbal abuses, and homelessness that I was powerless to help as a young teen, that many opportunities were stolen from me, and that there is a huge amount of time wasted and lost that I will never get back, and I mourn over that. I also feel like there is just no reason to try to do anything anymore. There's no joy in wasting time with hobbies on this decaying world. Heck, why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who feels like that anyways, ha. Oh I know I'm no catch, and I deserve to remain single. Part of me just wants to become a remote-job workaholic, move into a small trailer, plant it and myself deep in the woods somewhere and wait out life till I finally receive the gift of dying. But God probably wants me to help instead. And help I do. The only thing I'm actually any good for is people asking me to do this and that, and me doing it out of compassion or obligation. All we are told to do in this life is basically spreading God's word and treating others with love. I think I've got this down. That's not difficult. I'll gladly put others before myself. I'll let them trample over my life time and finances if it helps them.
I'm so embarrassed at how my life has ended up, that I never open up to anyone enough for them to actually know me. Even my church friends don't truly know me, I don't let people get close enough, and nobody tries very hard anyways. It is a vicious cycle. Whenever I give them a hint that something isn't right with me emotionally, all of them have some spectacular and intelligent advice that they feel should help. And sure, it probably would help any normal person. But I just think it would be nice if God would do away with me. Now I can't do that myself..not to God and the family that apparently cares about me, but I certainly would welcome a quick and simple means of passing away. But his will be done. It's certainly apparent that his will is for me to experience all of this, as there's no escape. Not even catching covid was enough to do the job. Whatever character of spirit he's trying to build, I hope it's working.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Or the next day. All of it is vain and "striving after the wind" and probably why I've never felt content.
Funny thing is, is that despite all of this, I'm acutely adapt at pretending to be normal enough to help coax people out of their own depression and get them to open up about themselves, without them ever even knowing that I was probably more down than they were. I've been told I'm emotionally intelligent. I doubt that highly. And who knows perhaps I help out of selfishness because it gives my own life a smidgen of purpose when I help people. Helping others, is actually the only potential reason to even be here. The greatest thing though, is that Jesus is coming back. Potentially soon. And then I won't have to worry about anything.
No, I'm NOT going to do myself in. This thread isn't to invoke a panic response or sympathy or mockery (though feel free to laugh, I know I had a good chuckle at the absurdity of it all already)
My prayer, I guess, is for internal peace. If I must live with all of this, and myself, at least let it be without the mental anguish.
As a heads up, I won't be replying here, if you guys are trying to talk to me, because it was already painful enough to write all of this and I don't want to cry even more. I joined the forum, just for a one time prayer request. Nobody needs a super downer/loser hanging around downing people. I would have to make a second account, some time after I've dragged myself out of this current ditch, before allowing myself to converse.
Your advice is all probably very sound and comes from a heartfelt place, but it's very likely to be inapplicable to the situation. Eventually I will tell myself enough lies to temporarily overcome my depression as I usually have to do every few months. And then it's all smiles and roses till the thin wall of illusion shatters once more.
I know I'm saved. There is good fruit being produced slowly, and I have every confidence that I would not be able to care enough to endure all of this emotional turmoil, if God had not called me to be strong. So with that, at least I have heaven to look forward too, even if I have to live another stinky 70 years.
Now that I'm done with that abhorrently disgusting pity party and display that makes me want to throw up, I will be showing myself the door.
Prayers are appreciated, I know you guys are busy though.
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