Are Christian Men Cowards?

[agirlandherguitar]

I am very curious to hear what you guys have to say!

I haven't dated much, actually I could count on one had the amount of dates I've had in the past five years, no joke! So I don't have much experience with dating but it seems as though all the guys that fit the good Christian archetype are afraid of me!

Now I don't expect anyone to analyze me since you don't know me but I can briefly say that I'm not this crazy girl with tons of emotion baggage, nor am I covered in scales or addicted to drugs. I have great relationships with friends and family, yet somehow I feel shortchanged in the dating scene. I feel like the only guys who come up to me and actually have to guts to ask me out (or let alone flirt with me for crying out loud) are non Christians. On the other hand the Christian guys I've met seem to just shy away and avoid eye contact when I try to talk to them.

I could say maybe it's because I'm not bubbly and super girly and maybe that's what initially attracts men or something. I'm more laid back and casual and yeah, I can be shy and a little standoffish when I'm around people I don't know but yeesh. I feel like I have to do all the work when it comes to establishing something with a guy who looks like he wants to run away in the opposite direction as fast as he can.

I have a couple of Christian girlfriends who experience the same problem.

I want a cool Christian dude but only if it pleases God.

Ahh... really I don't even know. I'm more than willing to give a nice guy a chance but it's very frustrating!

So uh... thoughts? Single ladies, have you experience something similar? Single dudes... defend yourselves!

 

[Liamson]

"Good Christian Archetype"

^I'm not sure what this is.

On my planet I would say the stereotype is video game playing guy who plays music on Sundays in church. Not exactly leading Bible Studies or stealing the hearts right out of women BUT, he does what he can. He's also a virgin, shy and LOVES Mt. Dew. He has a Bachelors in English or Music Theory. The highlight of his day is having lunch with friends. Its a humble existence, but he doesn't know that. All he knows is that if he keeps playing those strained chords on his acoustic guitar, some girl is gonna fall in love with him, then he can show her what he knows on electric too.


If you want a cool guy, do cool stuff. Sitting around the house surfing the internet will plug you into loads of people who sit around and surf the internet. But if you want a cool guy who owns a motorcycle, buy a motorcycle. If you want a cool guy who runs all the time, go running all the time. If you want a guy who collects 70's music, collect 70's music.

Christians are everywhere and we don't just hang out in church and look at floor when you walk by. Some of us would rather be Mountain Biking Playing football or Rock Climbing or Snorkeling or Cliff Jumping OR volunteering or heading up a missions trip or just hanging out with the wrong crowd.

I guess the biggest thing I could say is that We guys have the same problem. Most of the women we meet in church can't swim for more than 5 meters, throw a Frisbee, or climb anything that is off the ground more than 3 feet. They love drinking coffee and talking about scripture or boys. They read the same Francis Chan books and debate the same issues but at the end of the day it seems like they are comfortable and I don't want to rock the boat. I tried dating one and changing her, that was a mistake.

The girls who know better, are gone. They are like Unicorns, we hear about them from friends of friends, rumors mostly. Something about how they moved to Miami, China, L.A. or India and never came home, don't have a facebook and don't really care. The occasional E-mail VOM, headline or tug on our hearts reminds us of the people that we ought to be, the sacrifices we ought to have made.

 

[kayem77]

Do you hang around non Christians all the time? that could be one reason. And as Liamson said, if you want to meet someone you like, a Christian man, go out there and go to places where you would like to find them. Does your church have fun activities? Do they make fun trips or stuff like that?

Just make sure you are out there, be sure you are easy to find while you are not looking . I don't know if that makes sense at all.Do things that you enjoy and you might find someone doing the same stuff you enjoy ''casually''.

Personally my problem is not finding a Christian man, but finding a Christian man who I find interesting...not just someone who goes to church and that's it. Sometimes I wonder if my culture is different and that's why I seem to not find people with similar interests, or if I'm just plain weird. Maybe it's both, but it doesn't apply just to men, I've realized that finding someone, anyone, who ''clicks'' with you is hard sometimes.

 

[Jullianna]

No, they are not cowards. It takes a MAN to be a christian. Always has.

From what I've read in these forums, women are often rude and abusive to them if they express interest, and we ladies have probably seen enough of our friends behave like this to know it's true.

Maybe it's up to us, as christian sisters, to show them how godly women behave so they can avoid the jerks who've treated them so badly for so long.

I've met a lot of interesting christian guys right here. They have amazing strengths, intellect, compassion, tenderness, boldness and are passionate about the things of God, along with a few surprises if you take the time to listen to them.

 

[1still_waters]

Some churches turn men in to nice, docile, non-aggrsessive people, instead of men that are conforming to the image of Jesus.

 

[Jullianna]

Stilly, I have heard my pastor say more than once that he wants our church to be the "manliest church in America". He, too, speaks of the feminization of the Church and says that he believes this is why more men don't attend church; and that if we can embolden the christian men of today to take their places as the leaders they should be, the Church would realize the revival it seeks. When godly men take the lead, families follow.

 

[agirlandherguitar]

Wow, those are some really great answers. Posted anywhere else people would probably say "you're just some bitter narcissist with too high standards" except poorly spelled and stuffed between several swear words. How refreshing! Clearly I've been on Youtube and IMDB for too long, haha...

Liamson
Well I don't think the "good Christian archetype" really exists, and if it does then it's just a lie. Really nobody can fit the mould that we shape. Although we should have high standards for our potential mate (did that sound too National Geographic?) we shouldn't be too picky. That's like just giving some poor guy/girl a change to screw up and let you down, which they will because they aren't God.

I'm not sure if the stereotype your describing is yourself since it's too specific to be fictional, haha, but I think we can agree that living a humble existence is sometimes the best we can hope for. Also... Mt. Dew is great on a hot summer day but I think it's appreciated in the States more than it is here in Canada IMO

Although I have to disagree with you on liking something just because some guy likes it, same goes for a guy whose trying to impress a girl. Don't stuff your head with anything Stephenie Meyer wrote just because a girl loves Twilight. I'd like to think that if a guy is super into sports and I'm not I could participate but not try to force myself to love everything he loves because I would go crazy! He can have his sports and cars and I can have my comics and movies. Should a crossover occur well then... yay for us?

In the end girls will be girls and drink their coffee and talk about how Crazy Love changed the way they view God and guys will be guys and play their frisbee and swim further than five meters. We can't change that and we shouldn't change that. Why would I want to date somebody who is exactly like me anyway? I would kill him, haha! There can't be two of us (shifty eyes)...

Liamson, if you are a virgin then shouldn't you be able to SEE a unicorn? What better situation to be in, amiright? Therefore they must exist. Those kind of girls are rare... but they exist I promise you.

Kayem77
I used to hang around more non Christian people before I went back to church and became involved in bible studies and such. I'm kind of not wanting to go to church to find a guy though, as now I feel I need to work on my relationship with God. It's not like I don't look because as a single girl I totally look but... I guess I'm at a difficult place right now where I'm trying to find balance and just focus on God. It's hard, especially when 90% of your friends are either in a relationship, married, getting married, have kids etc. I feel like there is a tiny hole inside me when I think about it. Why can't I just let God fill that hole? I really want that. It makes me sad.

Jullianna
YES. Exactly. It does take a man! I'm surrounded by little boys is what I feel like. Unfortunately I've met some pretty great guys that have been wounded in past relationships (or crushes) and they choose to friendzone every girl that tries to be nice and establish more than just a friendship with them instead of giving them a chance (true experience for me). In that case they are still boys and need healing from God before I try to heal them. I dust my hands off of those kind of guys.

1still_waters
True. Jesus wasn't exactly the "nice guy" and made friends with everybody all the time. Matthew 23:33 anyone? What a rock star!

 

[agirlandherguitar]

If some of you haven't seen this sermon by Mark Driscoll on dating then you should take the time to watch it: Dating | Mars Hill Church

It's an hour long but it speaks in volumes to single people like me.

 

[Jullianna]

They need healing just because they don't live up to the expectations of others? Could it be that their experiences have taught them the maturity of wisdom and discernment, so they wait and watch rather than pouncing?

 

[agirlandherguitar]

I'd like to think that, Jullianna, and good for them. Although a lot of the times these guys let the good girls slip through their fingers. By the time they become interested and make a move it's too late.

 

[djness]

I am very curious to hear what you guys have to say!

I haven't dated much, actually I could count on one had the amount of dates I've had in the past five years, no joke! So I don't have much experience with dating but it seems as though all the guys that fit the good Christian archetype are afraid of me!

Now I don't expect anyone to analyze me since you don't know me but I can briefly say that I'm not this crazy girl with tons of emotion baggage, nor am I covered in scales or addicted to drugs. I have great relationships with friends and family, yet somehow I feel shortchanged in the dating scene. I feel like the only guys who come up to me and actually have to guts to ask me out (or let alone flirt with me for crying out loud) are non Christians. On the other hand the Christian guys I've met seem to just shy away and avoid eye contact when I try to talk to them.

I could say maybe it's because I'm not bubbly and super girly and maybe that's what initially attracts men or something. I'm more laid back and casual and yeah, I can be shy and a little standoffish when I'm around people I don't know but yeesh. I feel like I have to do all the work when it comes to establishing something with a guy who looks like he wants to run away in the opposite direction as fast as he can.

I have a couple of Christian girlfriends who experience the same problem.

I want a cool Christian dude but only if it pleases God.

Ahh... really I don't even know. I'm more than willing to give a nice guy a chance but it's very frustrating!

So uh... thoughts? Single ladies, have you experience something similar? Single dudes... defend yourselves!

Every christian girl I have asked out gave me a worldly reason why I wasn't good enough for her.

So let me ask you this, if any christian fellow did ask you out in the last few years what was your reason for turning him down?

 

[Pheonix]

I am very curious to hear what you guys have to say!

I haven't dated much, actually I could count on one had the amount of dates I've had in the past five years, no joke! So I don't have much experience with dating but it seems as though all the guys that fit the good Christian archetype are afraid of me!

Now I don't expect anyone to analyze me since you don't know me but I can briefly say that I'm not this crazy girl with tons of emotion baggage, nor am I covered in scales or addicted to drugs. I have great relationships with friends and family, yet somehow I feel shortchanged in the dating scene. I feel like the only guys who come up to me and actually have to guts to ask me out (or let alone flirt with me for crying out loud) are non Christians. On the other hand the Christian guys I've met seem to just shy away and avoid eye contact when I try to talk to them.

I could say maybe it's because I'm not bubbly and super girly and maybe that's what initially attracts men or something. I'm more laid back and casual and yeah, I can be shy and a little standoffish when I'm around people I don't know but yeesh. I feel like I have to do all the work when it comes to establishing something with a guy who looks like he wants to run away in the opposite direction as fast as he can.

I have a couple of Christian girlfriends who experience the same problem.

I want a cool Christian dude but only if it pleases God.

Ahh... really I don't even know. I'm more than willing to give a nice guy a chance but it's very frustrating!

So uh... thoughts? Single ladies, have you experience something similar? Single dudes... defend yourselves!

For myself, I haven't taken anyone on a date in 10 years. not once. There are several reasons for that, primarily financial, but also I just haven't run into any women, christian or otherwise, who had any interest in me or had the same values I do.

I also can't speak for other men, but for myself, I'm the guy who would charge up a hill through a hail of bullets out of shear rage and obstinance, but women terrify me. Its simply the way I was raised. I didn't have a lot to do with females aside from my mother, or people in general. Add to that the fact that I've had a few bad experiences with women and throwing myself into a bucket of acid becomes something I'm reluctant to do.

 

[Pheonix]

Some churches turn men in to nice, docile, non-aggrsessive people, instead of men that are conforming to the image of Jesus.

yep, that sounds about the way I was raised. Be a good, quiet, obedient and submissive person. I must have missed the class on submission and conformity, but the rest sounds about right.

 

[Pheonix]

It's hard, especially when 90% of your friends are either in a relationship, married, getting married, have kids etc. I feel like there is a tiny hole inside me when I think about it. Why can't I just let God fill that hole? I really want that. It makes me sad.

Try being 30 and seeing a brother 4 years younger than you married and starting to have a family. Especially when 10 years before you were inches from having the wife and kids until things changed rather dramatically and to the worse from the relationship point of view.

 

[Pheonix]

They need healing just because they don't live up to the expectations of others? Could it be that their experiences have taught them the maturity of wisdom and discernment, so they wait and watch rather than pouncing?

Thank you for saying this jullianna. From my own experience, my ex-girlfriend and I got together when we were in high school. Both of us were young and stupid and madly in love. but time marches on, and eventually we started to outgrow the wild emotions of youth. in the end mistakes were made by both of us, but the most serious was hers, and it destroyed any hope we might have had of salvaging our relationship. This taught me to ignore the attraction and not listen to my heart, as so many people say. I learned to listen to my head instead. watch, learn instead of feeling. emotions betray you and cause us to do stupid things and get involved with people that quite frankly are bad for us emotionally, financially, spiritually. It took several other disasters before I learned this lesson. The result being, now I look at behaviour and attitude before anything else. I'm not saying attraction isn't part of the equation, but its not the most important part.

If I've confused you I'm sorry, but I've confused myself too.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I am very curious to hear what you guys have to say!

I haven't dated much, actually I could count on one had the amount of dates I've had in the past five years, no joke! So I don't have much experience with dating but it seems as though all the guys that fit the good Christian archetype are afraid of me!

Now I don't expect anyone to analyze me since you don't know me but I can briefly say that I'm not this crazy girl with tons of emotion baggage, nor am I covered in scales or addicted to drugs. I have great relationships with friends and family, yet somehow I feel shortchanged in the dating scene. I feel like the only guys who come up to me and actually have to guts to ask me out (or let alone flirt with me for crying out loud) are non Christians. On the other hand the Christian guys I've met seem to just shy away and avoid eye contact when I try to talk to them.

I could say maybe it's because I'm not bubbly and super girly and maybe that's what initially attracts men or something. I'm more laid back and casual and yeah, I can be shy and a little standoffish when I'm around people I don't know but yeesh. I feel like I have to do all the work when it comes to establishing something with a guy who looks like he wants to run away in the opposite direction as fast as he can.

I have a couple of Christian girlfriends who experience the same problem.

I want a cool Christian dude but only if it pleases God.

Ahh... really I don't even know. I'm more than willing to give a nice guy a chance but it's very frustrating!

So uh... thoughts? Single ladies, have you experience something similar? Single dudes... defend yourselves!

 

[Ugly]

You're talking about how non-Christian men are always 'bold' enough to approach, but the Christian men are 'cowards'. But have you ever stopped to think of the cultural difference behind the ideas of dating and marriage between Christians and non-Christians? In the secular community the concept is prevalent that you see some, find them attractive, and ask them on a date to get to know them. That on a whim, you act.
Meanwhile, in the Christian culture, there are mixed messages sent on dating. Some are that you shouldn't date at all. Or that you pray before approaching someone. Or get to know them Before you ask them out. There is a lot more variation in how dating is viewed, and much of that discourages walking up to people you don't know to ask them out.
So is it really likely that by becoming Christian men magically become cowards as well? Or is it more likely that the Christian culture teaches them different views on dating and how to proceed? I for one have never been the type to walk up and ask a girl out. I always took time to make friends, get to know her, and see if a connection was established before trying to take things to a romantic level.
Also, you have to consider, of these non-Christian guys, how many of them are approaching you for a date because they're truly interested in you? (total strangers, sure) and how many of these guys are asking you out in hopes that at the end of the night they'll be in your pants?

 

[RushBreeze]

qwertyuiop[] `

 

[Jullianna]

Thank you for saying this jullianna. From my own experience, my ex-girlfriend and I got together when we were in high school. Both of us were young and stupid and madly in love. but time marches on, and eventually we started to outgrow the wild emotions of youth. in the end mistakes were made by both of us, but the most serious was hers, and it destroyed any hope we might have had of salvaging our relationship. This taught me to ignore the attraction and not listen to my heart, as so many people say. I learned to listen to my head instead. watch, learn instead of feeling. emotions betray you and cause us to do stupid things and get involved with people that quite frankly are bad for us emotionally, financially, spiritually. It took several other disasters before I learned this lesson. The result being, now I look at behaviour and attitude before anything else. I'm not saying attraction isn't part of the equation, but its not the most important part.

If I've confused you I'm sorry, but I've confused myself too.

It's not confusing at all. And you're welcome. I've read a lot of heartache from both men and women in these forums, most of it between the lines...and I have learned a lot. Thank you all for that.

 

[agirlandherguitar]

djness
I guess the ONE christian guy who actually asked me out (he was more bold) is a noodle scratcher. He was perfectly fine and we had a lot of things in common but I guess the worldly reason was that on my part the attraction wasn't there. It sounds terrible but in the end he was more interested in me than I was in him and I didn't want to string him along. We're still friends and he has a girlfriend now, so I guess I did him a favour - he ended up with somebody better!

Phoenix
I don't blame your for being terrified of women. We can be horrible, horrible people. This is something between you and God and if you want to change the way you feel about women then ask God to help you put yourself out of your comfort zone and ease your fear of (wo)man. Caution: He WILL do it!! I've struggled with anxiety around men and social situations... it's not fun!

Ugly
You hit the nail on the head. Christian men and women have so much more to consider and there is much more pressure on dating compared to non Christians. There should be a happy balance where you're not just chasing somebody around so you can get your jollies on and where you're not planning your wedding after your first date. While I do believe that men and women should think before they act they shouldn't always hold themselves back and prevent themselves from stepping outside their comfort zone. There's taking it slow and then there's not moving at all. To answer the last question - the non Christians I dated never pressured me for sex but if I became more involved with them than I did I'm certain they would have because they were promiscuous in the past. I think deep down that may have been a big factor as to why I didn't want to continue dating one of them.