D
DanSF
Guest
But this was not the worst problem of all, the worst was that I neglected my wife’s intimacy. I still kept doing what I did in my single years. That means, consuming p. I doubt that God ever forgives me for what I did. I pushed aside my healthy and extremely beautiful wife, calling her names, I called her bad names just for being normal and having a normal desire for intimacy with her legitimate husband, unlike me, who was a sick man. I did like to be intimate with her but I told to myself that I was “a tough guy” (which actually meant a cold and insensitive crap, but that’s the model that I learnt in my house from my father, who I looked up to until very recently) and never took care of her. I never gave her flowers or jewels, never took pictures of her, never posted anything cute for her on Facebook, not even let her take pictures of me. I told her she was very tiresome, day after day. Worst of all, she discovered that I kept pictures of other women and of me taken by other women, girl friends from my past. I didn’t want to touch my wife in public, to hold her hand, to embrace her, yet when we casually met one of these girl friends from my past I embraced them very fondly and happily, all in front of her. One day I even told my wife to leave me alone because I was talking to one of these women on Facebook, on my wife’s computer, while at the same time I didn’t want to post a single picture of the two of us on Facebook, I told her that that was stupid and and that I didn’t want my friends to see me doing that. Later on she saw me posting on Facebook for other women. Very recently I completely deleted my account and things have improved a little after that, at least, she says, now I’m not posting for her but neither for these other women. But there are so many other things that she needs to forgive… She also has seen me flirt with one of her own friends and watch p while I pushed her away as if she was trash. All the while, I neglected all the rest of my manly duties, never helped with the housework, never did anything that she liked, never did anything but playing my videogames, reading my books, taking care of my things. I also refused to go to therapy, just because it was her idea. Can you believe that in spite of that she is the only woman that I have ever loved? Now I see that I was behaving with her exactly like I did with my mother. I was stupid and oblivious and I just didn’t know what a woman was, and I just hate myself!! But I cannot go back in time.
My wife cried every day and as I said before I took it as what is normal for any woman to behave. After all, my mum was exactly like that. Until one day, after two years of putting up with this, I realised that something had changed. My usually extremely loving and caring woman did not react like before. She had loved to be intimate with me, now she never asked for it. My wife loved me even if I told her that I was tired to be with her all the time. Now she didn’t react when I touched her, she didn’t embrace me, she didn’t look at me, didn’t want to go out or do anything with me like before. I realised it was long since the last time she had asked (begged, rather) for intimacy, but how long? I couldn’t tell. I finally, at that stage, realised that there was some strange problem going on and I finally looked at her. My wife was now a completely different woman… she just was another person. She didn’t even comb her hair, barely washed her clothes, her eyes were always red and swollen from crying. And she cried, every day, every single day, and I finally realised that it is not normal for a woman, for any given person, to cry every single day of their life, so desperately. She had started eating too much, she was growing weight, she drank like her mother did, she barely couldn’t stand the vision of her own face in the mirror, she couldn’t stand do look at me. I still do look at her and find her the most gorgeous woman in the world, but whenever I tell her so she reacts as if I had just insulted her again. And again she starts crying.
It’s been two years after this and my wife hasn’t healed. I have changed, I hope you believe that I have changed. I am not an awful person, I was just like an animal without education. I learned about my parents, talked with my mother seriously for the first time in my life, for the first time I realised that my admired father was an utter piece of crap and that my mother was not a tiresome old woman but somebody that has suffered much more than anybody deserves. I never, ever cried before, never, now I cry every single day. I have cried for having been such an idiot with my mother, with my wife, for having these disgusting ideas about what it was to “be a man”. I have changed. I have learned to do the washing up, to cook, to pay attention to my now poorly wife, to look at her in compassion and care, not as if she was just some tiresome woman. I want her to heal. We went to a crappy sexologist and she was so crappy that she even said that my stance was better than hers because I just didn’t took things so seriously. Right before ending “therapy” with her, she told us that she was also on the verge of divorce. Talk about a therapist. We wasted a lot of money and all this made my wife sink even further into hopelessness and depression. My wife works using her brain and this is, as she says, the only think left for her that makes her want to go on living, apart from her cats (she is infertile, or so it seems). She has even fallen on her knees to beg me not to force medication on her that could numb her mind. She is very afraid because she has seen how medications poisoned the brains both her parents, and her stomach cannot even digest a painkiller. She’s got some allergy of sorts to everything chemical. She is just using St. John’s Wort but not often, she doesn’t take even this properly, she just neglects herself. Once she tried just a 1mg melatonin at night and it was a complete disaster. She cannot take medication, I wish it was I that just could take the medication for her.
I love my wife. I think of her every day at work. I look at the pictures she now cannot endure that I take of us together, but she agrees because she wants to be righteous, to accomplish with my whims. I ask myself why, just why I denied her the very simple pleasure of taking a picture together. I wish I had these pictures now, of the moment when she was fine. I tell everybody she is the light in my life. And she doesn’t believe it. She reminds me all the time of the fact that I didn’t want my Facebook friends to see pictures of the two of ust. Some of her friends put her down again because she posted messages for me and I ignored her again, publicly. I humiliated her in every possible way, even online. I tried posting pictures of the two of us on Facebook later on, and she was like who cares now, everybody already knows you don’t really love me, you are just doing some homework of sorts. But it’s not true, I do it for real, and I love our pictures, I love to tell people, but she doesn’t believe me. I finally closed my account.
My wife cried every day and as I said before I took it as what is normal for any woman to behave. After all, my mum was exactly like that. Until one day, after two years of putting up with this, I realised that something had changed. My usually extremely loving and caring woman did not react like before. She had loved to be intimate with me, now she never asked for it. My wife loved me even if I told her that I was tired to be with her all the time. Now she didn’t react when I touched her, she didn’t embrace me, she didn’t look at me, didn’t want to go out or do anything with me like before. I realised it was long since the last time she had asked (begged, rather) for intimacy, but how long? I couldn’t tell. I finally, at that stage, realised that there was some strange problem going on and I finally looked at her. My wife was now a completely different woman… she just was another person. She didn’t even comb her hair, barely washed her clothes, her eyes were always red and swollen from crying. And she cried, every day, every single day, and I finally realised that it is not normal for a woman, for any given person, to cry every single day of their life, so desperately. She had started eating too much, she was growing weight, she drank like her mother did, she barely couldn’t stand the vision of her own face in the mirror, she couldn’t stand do look at me. I still do look at her and find her the most gorgeous woman in the world, but whenever I tell her so she reacts as if I had just insulted her again. And again she starts crying.
It’s been two years after this and my wife hasn’t healed. I have changed, I hope you believe that I have changed. I am not an awful person, I was just like an animal without education. I learned about my parents, talked with my mother seriously for the first time in my life, for the first time I realised that my admired father was an utter piece of crap and that my mother was not a tiresome old woman but somebody that has suffered much more than anybody deserves. I never, ever cried before, never, now I cry every single day. I have cried for having been such an idiot with my mother, with my wife, for having these disgusting ideas about what it was to “be a man”. I have changed. I have learned to do the washing up, to cook, to pay attention to my now poorly wife, to look at her in compassion and care, not as if she was just some tiresome woman. I want her to heal. We went to a crappy sexologist and she was so crappy that she even said that my stance was better than hers because I just didn’t took things so seriously. Right before ending “therapy” with her, she told us that she was also on the verge of divorce. Talk about a therapist. We wasted a lot of money and all this made my wife sink even further into hopelessness and depression. My wife works using her brain and this is, as she says, the only think left for her that makes her want to go on living, apart from her cats (she is infertile, or so it seems). She has even fallen on her knees to beg me not to force medication on her that could numb her mind. She is very afraid because she has seen how medications poisoned the brains both her parents, and her stomach cannot even digest a painkiller. She’s got some allergy of sorts to everything chemical. She is just using St. John’s Wort but not often, she doesn’t take even this properly, she just neglects herself. Once she tried just a 1mg melatonin at night and it was a complete disaster. She cannot take medication, I wish it was I that just could take the medication for her.
I love my wife. I think of her every day at work. I look at the pictures she now cannot endure that I take of us together, but she agrees because she wants to be righteous, to accomplish with my whims. I ask myself why, just why I denied her the very simple pleasure of taking a picture together. I wish I had these pictures now, of the moment when she was fine. I tell everybody she is the light in my life. And she doesn’t believe it. She reminds me all the time of the fact that I didn’t want my Facebook friends to see pictures of the two of ust. Some of her friends put her down again because she posted messages for me and I ignored her again, publicly. I humiliated her in every possible way, even online. I tried posting pictures of the two of us on Facebook later on, and she was like who cares now, everybody already knows you don’t really love me, you are just doing some homework of sorts. But it’s not true, I do it for real, and I love our pictures, I love to tell people, but she doesn’t believe me. I finally closed my account.