D
DanSF
Guest
I am writing to ask for urgent help for my Christian marriage and my beautiful Christian wife. My marriage is completely marred because of what I have done to my wife, yet we don’t want to divorce and I don't want her to feel hurt and wounded anymore. Because I still love my wife and I’m desperate, I cannot live without her. She is not right now financially independent from me, and I know this bothers her in a very serious manner. I know that also forcing her to divorce is another way to hurt her very deeply, and resent me, because she is a devout Christian. Until lately, I have not only been a very bad Christian but a very bad man and person. We’ve always prayed that our marriage didn’t end in this life and that we live together forever and in peace in Heaven, and I am simply unable to let go of that dream. I want her, I love her and I don’t want to lose her. But I don’t know what to do, I’m desperate for help. Please let me explain to you the case, I plead for your compassion and wise advice will be very much appreciated:
Both I and my wife have had extremely harsh childhoods and youths. Our parents are Christians, but they have not acted very righteously in front of God or in front of their children. My father has cheated on my mother all his life, still at his nearly 70 my mum is still struggling with this. He even cheats with a woman living right next door, and my mother cannot leave the house because he runs to his mistress. There are other things that I just cannot tell, even here anonymously. Mum is taking a lot of antidepressants and similar medications to put up with this. I am the youngest of three boys, none of our marriages have worked and none of my cousins’. It’s as if women just run away from us, scared for their lives. We are not mean but I am afraid that my fathers’ sins and bad example are affecting us. I adore my family, but being a man I looked up to my father as if he was a superhero, while I treated my mother in a similar way as he treats her, that is, very meanly. My brothers again are similar to me in this, and I just don’t know now how my mother can cope, she’s naturally very energetic and bright and positive and instead of taking this as a worthy virtue we sort of got accostumed that we could do anything to her that she just pulled herself together and in the end it was as if it nothing ever mattered. I’m utterly ashamed of all this now.
My wife was no luckier, my father in law never cheated on her mother, but he ruined the family once and again and again until the day he died. Some men gamble: my in law asked for bank loans and never paid them back. It was like a sick habit of his. My wife’s family has always been poor because of this behavior, and my mother in law has had to deal with it all her life. My wife is also the youngest of three, I barely know my brothers in law because they have completely deserted the family as soon as they could, they deeply despise their family of origin. My wife has been the only one who has taken care of her sickly father and desperate mother. Mu father in law was also addicted to drugs (not “normal” drugs like hemp or so, but medicines) and the mother drunk a lot (still does but much less) and also took some weird sort of antidepressant that made her lash against my wife unexpectedly, in unpredictable bouts of anger. She has left these pills recently thanks to my wife’s insistence to go to the doctor and she is much better now, at almost her 70s, but she is still a stubborn woman, hurt and difficult to handle. She is very kind hearted though, like my mum. My wife has been extremely poor all her life, abused by everybody because of her misery, she has endured all forms of bullying in her childhood and also mobbing in her adulthood. She says she is a true character from Dickens. In spite of that, she is a fighter, a winner. She has managed to get a BA, is highly competent in her work and is highly valued, although she doesn’t believe it so. Her only addiction is workaholism and trying to be the best person she can be every day in front of God and in front of people.
The day I met my wife for the first time we never separated again. She was 32 and I was 29, and neither of us had met anything similar to real love and care in our lives. My wife is so phenomenal that she alone was managing to take care of my sickly in laws entirely on her own, she never once has neglected them even when they were out of control, completely all alone. When I met her for the first time she was amazing, slim, very professional. She was a writer, worked for a magazine, the typical nerdy-looking girl, all books and unfulfilled dreams. She still works at that magazine and is also teaching at a university. She was truly infortunate with her friends, they took advantage of her and she fell prey to predators very often in spite of the fact that she is very clever, but she was so desperate to find somebody who loved her that people just took advantage of her many virtues. She was beautiful and bright and she fell for me entirely with a love that I know I didn’t deserve. Nobody has ever treated me like her, she treated me like a king, as if I was the most beautiful human being over the face of the world. She still does take care of me, in spite of all. She was hopeful, energetic, had plans, believed in hard work. But she was also broken inside, my poor girl, under that appearance. It was as if she was desperate to find somebody to just help her give the final step out of her sombre past into the bright and deserved future she had worked so hard, all her life, to achieve. And this final step was creating her own Christian family.
We got married, we took the Catholic vows. My wife was very bright, resourceful, made a lot of effort to get along with my very difficult family. She took an affection towards them the very first moment they met. There’s no limit to what she could do. She was extremely hard-working, she taught me to pray, took care of my health, dragged me to the dentist, to the ophthalmologist, took flawless, perfect care of me. She had studies, I’m just a security guard and I have never liked going to school, never cared about anything or anybody but myself, I love reading and writing and just cared about that and about doing what I fancied. When I met her I lived with my parents, I had had bad experiences with friends and girlfriends, and I just worked and slept and didn’t expect anything from life anymore, and I never prayed. She did have faith, and there was an amazing strength in her faith, in her hopes. I guess I just felt like crap at her side.
The first two years of our marriage I treated my wife in the worst possible way, in such a way that nowadays that I have changed I loathe myself, I really can’t understand why I did what I did. I behaved like a rebellious little child fighting all the time against a tedious mother. I thought it was enough to sit at her side and still do exactly what I did in my single years, that is go to work and sleep and little more. All my free time I dedicated it to the videogames, series, movies or books that I loved. I expected my wife to do what my mother did for my father, all the housework on her own, put up with everything and don’t bother me much. And as I was also used to quarreling a lot with my mother all the time, I always quarreled with my wife, about anything. I didn’t behave like a man, and she cried. Every single day, and not a few tears but very much, very desperetaly. She wailed, day after day. As I was used to seeing my mother also crying and making much drama every day I just did nothing, thinking that all women were just all the same, that that was just married life. Now I see I was behaving like a… it doesn’t have a name. But I really was not doing this because I am mean, this was just what I had seen at home and I was really sick in my head and thought that was just what was normal everywhere.
Both I and my wife have had extremely harsh childhoods and youths. Our parents are Christians, but they have not acted very righteously in front of God or in front of their children. My father has cheated on my mother all his life, still at his nearly 70 my mum is still struggling with this. He even cheats with a woman living right next door, and my mother cannot leave the house because he runs to his mistress. There are other things that I just cannot tell, even here anonymously. Mum is taking a lot of antidepressants and similar medications to put up with this. I am the youngest of three boys, none of our marriages have worked and none of my cousins’. It’s as if women just run away from us, scared for their lives. We are not mean but I am afraid that my fathers’ sins and bad example are affecting us. I adore my family, but being a man I looked up to my father as if he was a superhero, while I treated my mother in a similar way as he treats her, that is, very meanly. My brothers again are similar to me in this, and I just don’t know now how my mother can cope, she’s naturally very energetic and bright and positive and instead of taking this as a worthy virtue we sort of got accostumed that we could do anything to her that she just pulled herself together and in the end it was as if it nothing ever mattered. I’m utterly ashamed of all this now.
My wife was no luckier, my father in law never cheated on her mother, but he ruined the family once and again and again until the day he died. Some men gamble: my in law asked for bank loans and never paid them back. It was like a sick habit of his. My wife’s family has always been poor because of this behavior, and my mother in law has had to deal with it all her life. My wife is also the youngest of three, I barely know my brothers in law because they have completely deserted the family as soon as they could, they deeply despise their family of origin. My wife has been the only one who has taken care of her sickly father and desperate mother. Mu father in law was also addicted to drugs (not “normal” drugs like hemp or so, but medicines) and the mother drunk a lot (still does but much less) and also took some weird sort of antidepressant that made her lash against my wife unexpectedly, in unpredictable bouts of anger. She has left these pills recently thanks to my wife’s insistence to go to the doctor and she is much better now, at almost her 70s, but she is still a stubborn woman, hurt and difficult to handle. She is very kind hearted though, like my mum. My wife has been extremely poor all her life, abused by everybody because of her misery, she has endured all forms of bullying in her childhood and also mobbing in her adulthood. She says she is a true character from Dickens. In spite of that, she is a fighter, a winner. She has managed to get a BA, is highly competent in her work and is highly valued, although she doesn’t believe it so. Her only addiction is workaholism and trying to be the best person she can be every day in front of God and in front of people.
The day I met my wife for the first time we never separated again. She was 32 and I was 29, and neither of us had met anything similar to real love and care in our lives. My wife is so phenomenal that she alone was managing to take care of my sickly in laws entirely on her own, she never once has neglected them even when they were out of control, completely all alone. When I met her for the first time she was amazing, slim, very professional. She was a writer, worked for a magazine, the typical nerdy-looking girl, all books and unfulfilled dreams. She still works at that magazine and is also teaching at a university. She was truly infortunate with her friends, they took advantage of her and she fell prey to predators very often in spite of the fact that she is very clever, but she was so desperate to find somebody who loved her that people just took advantage of her many virtues. She was beautiful and bright and she fell for me entirely with a love that I know I didn’t deserve. Nobody has ever treated me like her, she treated me like a king, as if I was the most beautiful human being over the face of the world. She still does take care of me, in spite of all. She was hopeful, energetic, had plans, believed in hard work. But she was also broken inside, my poor girl, under that appearance. It was as if she was desperate to find somebody to just help her give the final step out of her sombre past into the bright and deserved future she had worked so hard, all her life, to achieve. And this final step was creating her own Christian family.
We got married, we took the Catholic vows. My wife was very bright, resourceful, made a lot of effort to get along with my very difficult family. She took an affection towards them the very first moment they met. There’s no limit to what she could do. She was extremely hard-working, she taught me to pray, took care of my health, dragged me to the dentist, to the ophthalmologist, took flawless, perfect care of me. She had studies, I’m just a security guard and I have never liked going to school, never cared about anything or anybody but myself, I love reading and writing and just cared about that and about doing what I fancied. When I met her I lived with my parents, I had had bad experiences with friends and girlfriends, and I just worked and slept and didn’t expect anything from life anymore, and I never prayed. She did have faith, and there was an amazing strength in her faith, in her hopes. I guess I just felt like crap at her side.
The first two years of our marriage I treated my wife in the worst possible way, in such a way that nowadays that I have changed I loathe myself, I really can’t understand why I did what I did. I behaved like a rebellious little child fighting all the time against a tedious mother. I thought it was enough to sit at her side and still do exactly what I did in my single years, that is go to work and sleep and little more. All my free time I dedicated it to the videogames, series, movies or books that I loved. I expected my wife to do what my mother did for my father, all the housework on her own, put up with everything and don’t bother me much. And as I was also used to quarreling a lot with my mother all the time, I always quarreled with my wife, about anything. I didn’t behave like a man, and she cried. Every single day, and not a few tears but very much, very desperetaly. She wailed, day after day. As I was used to seeing my mother also crying and making much drama every day I just did nothing, thinking that all women were just all the same, that that was just married life. Now I see I was behaving like a… it doesn’t have a name. But I really was not doing this because I am mean, this was just what I had seen at home and I was really sick in my head and thought that was just what was normal everywhere.